Not sure how to feel - AIBU

[Sarahzzx]

Hi

me and dh have been married for 10 years and together for nearly 20. We are 41 and 42 with one DS.

dh handles the bills etc. he earns 3x my wage and pays the majority. I contribute £250 to our joint account towards the bills and mortgage etc.

we Built up quite a bit of debt about 5 years ago in the region of 50k. Not going into how/why but we both agreed that it needed to change. Dh was particularly worried as he had tried to shield me from the full extent. He ended up on anti depressants etc.

last year I ran up a bit of extra debt which he balance transferred for me and aid off.

yesterday I found out that we still owe about 30k in total. I raised this with dh and I admit I was a bit angry.

he feels that I’m being unreasonable for the following reasons-

1. I never ask him about the debt, or show any interest
2. I have been happy for him to pay off additional debts etc that I have accrued
3. he makes all of the payments from his Salary
4. that I need to accept that it’s a joint issue and not money that he has spent on personal frivolity 5

AIBU to feel annoyed with him?

You need to adult up and have a full understanding of an

I know you said you don't want to say how why the debts came from but feels relevant sounds like you are both holding onto what's gone before.

Yup

£1300pm will barely scratch the surface of repaying your debts, how much is interest and how much the debt?

What on earth are you both buying that you are both racking up debts of this magnitude?

That to me is the most worrying issue regardless of who contributes £x or £y.

You've got 2 choices

• continue to be annoyed and leave him to resent having to resolve the debt on his own.
• take some responsibility and sit down with him to understand your finances and make a joint plan to manage your money and clear the debt.

I promise you it isn't

I ashamed to admit that I don't really know. I do know that the majority of it is at 0% or low interest. Some of it is also a loan which has a fixed payment.

It was a combination of home improvements, IVF and general overspending. I know it's a lot of debt and I do feel very ashamed.

I am going to try and talk to him about it today. DS is going to grandparents for a few hours later.

I can see that I have been unfair and I do want to change this. I just got into the habit of letting him get on with it. I also think that it was probably easier for him to not share the full details with me as it tended to lead to difficult conversations.

I know that I am part of the problem as I have encouraged him to put things on credit cards etc, despite the fact that we are paying the debt off.

For those of you who have asked about my income, and contribution to the debts - I take home £1400 and my total outgoings are £450.

I think that part of the probem is that despite the debt ,we actually live fairly comfortably. We do have some disposable income, however I can see that this needs to be put towards the debts.

I feel like I might have been a little selfish.

How can he afford £2300 a month, and you only £250? I understand that he earns significantly more than you, but you should be paying a third of what he does into the family pot. You say upu are ashamed, but you're not, you are angry at the one person that is doing something to get you out of this mess. Where does the rest of your wage go? If it's nursery fees, food shopping etc, then you are contributing more than £250.

What happens to that extra £1000?

And why are you only putting that much towards it?

You need to BOTH sit down and work out exactly what your debts are, what comes in and what goes out and exactly how much you have to spend.

BEcause it sounds like you in particular are leaving beyond your means and your DH has been unfairly shouldering it all and now you are unhappy at him

Does that #450 outgoings include your £250 contribution towards the joint household expenses? Or is your total monthly commitment £700?

Either way, I think you have been grossly unfair to your DH. You have £700 per month disposable income yet know that your DH is paying off huge joint debts.

If I were your DH, I'd be absolutely furious with you, resentful, angry and let down. You are not behaving as a partnership. He is carrying the burden you both took on, while you keep £700 per month for yourself.

I'm sorry OP, but this is an unforgivable way to treat your husband.

It's unbelievable.

So you have 1400 a month and pay out 450, leaving you with 950 a month for yourself? This would pay off your 30k debt alone in less than 3 years. What do you with the 950 every month?

You need to sit down with your husband and go through a budget. List your incomings and all of your monthly outgoings, build in a buffer and throw the rest off your debt. I never understand people who don't know where their money goes.

I do our budget every few months and I'm due a pay rise this month so I will re- do it then but rising mortgage rates will probably swallow that up. Anyway sit down and have that conversation. Everything on the table and work it out together. Leave yourselves with a few hundred each month for work lunches, getting your hair done etc and everything else goes into the family pot.

What was the secondary debt you built up for?

YABU and there’s a reason people are suggesting reverse because it’s so unreasonable. You’ve built up joint £50k debt and your contribution to clearing it is to… decide it must change, wash your hands of it mentally and practically, and add to it, and get angry at your DH who’s taking on the sole financial load (your £250 really doesn’t count in the face of his contribution and the extent of the debt), to the extent he’s had to take antidepressants just for this issue.

You need to sit down with him and understand exactly what and where the debt is, what the interest rate is on each part, what the monthly household outgoings are, and how long it’s all going to take to clear total. And, barring any drip feed about how you can’t earn and therefore contribute more, start paying more than £250 into the pot and also stop spending money.

Everything you think you can afford is a lie when you’re in debt: you don’t have £4 spare for a fancy coffee at the end of the month, you’ve got -£30,000. Every time something non-essential comes up or you’re tempted to use a credit card (unless it’s to use it for payment protection and you have the money to pay it off straight away), start adding £30,000 to the cost: new cheap jumper for £20? It’s £30,020. Little magazine treat for £4.99? £30,004.99. You can’t hope to get a handle on money and debt if you live in denial as you have been.

What are you doing with your leftover money? Could you use that savings pot to clear the debt?

I’d just started typing a long reply, but @stuntbubbles has absolutely nailed it.

So you have £950 spare each month to yourself yet you have £30k debt? Give yourselves £200 each for personal spends each month and throw all the est to paying off your debts

What the hell are you both doing to run up so much debt? And why did you run up more debt last year when you don't have the means to repay it but expect your husband too?

You both have 1 child, unless he is ill and you are running up debts for extra medical care for him then I can't see how you are running up so much debt. Obviously there is way more to this story, gambling or drug addiction maybe?

If he only earns 3x you then with tax etc he must have no money left compared to your nearly 1k a month. Where does it go?

I'd be livid in his shoes, he's paying almost ten times what you contribute despite only earning three times as much as you, you were complicit in accruing the debt. You seem to have a large amount of disposable income recharge month and instead of throwing that at the debt, type having a pop at him, despite the fact he's paid off 20k in two years on his own, whilst also covering almost all household expenses. FFS.

Were you expecting that he would have single-handedly paid off £50k (plus additional debt that you created) within this 5 years? YAB massively U. Sounds like he is trying his best and you are not helping at all.

I actually can't believe that in 2022 I'm reading this.

At first I thought it was a reverse but as OP has assured us it isn't I have to take that as fact.

How unbelievably entitled to allow your husband to become ill over the debts that you have accumulated- not helping or supporting him with what must be an enormous stress.

How on earth can you let him "look after it all?".
Aren't you a team? If you were my spouse I would have actually made sure the debts that you had accumulated were in your name and then divorced you and left you to grow up and pay them.

You're lucky he is willing to help you. I wouldn't.

I know that I am part of the problem as I have encouraged him to put things on credit cards etc, despite the fact that we are paying the debt off.

Who pays off this credit card that you are encouraging him to put things on? I’m guessing it is him?

So in the last five years he:-
Paid £750 a month towards the basic family needs
Paid £20k off the original debts
Paid off your other debt (how much?)
Paid off all the credit card bills that you agreed to run up

You:-
Paid £250 a month towards basic family needs
Ran up more debt
Enjoyed living comfortably

And you are angry at him????

I feel like I might have been a little selfish.

More than a little.

5 years ago you owed £50,000 as a couple.
You pay £250 per month to the household, so that’s £15,000 over 5 years. You ran up additional debt too.

And you’re ANGRY with him that as a couple you still owe £30,000?

Whilst he’s ALSO paid all the living expenses?