Not sure how to feel - AIBU

[Sarahzzx]

Hi

me and dh have been married for 10 years and together for nearly 20. We are 41 and 42 with one DS.

dh handles the bills etc. he earns 3x my wage and pays the majority. I contribute £250 to our joint account towards the bills and mortgage etc.

we Built up quite a bit of debt about 5 years ago in the region of 50k. Not going into how/why but we both agreed that it needed to change. Dh was particularly worried as he had tried to shield me from the full extent. He ended up on anti depressants etc.

last year I ran up a bit of extra debt which he balance transferred for me and aid off.

yesterday I found out that we still owe about 30k in total. I raised this with dh and I admit I was a bit angry.

he feels that I’m being unreasonable for the following reasons-

1. I never ask him about the debt, or show any interest
2. I have been happy for him to pay off additional debts etc that I have accrued
3. he makes all of the payments from his Salary
4. that I need to accept that it’s a joint issue and not money that he has spent on personal frivolity 5

AIBU to feel annoyed with him?

@Onceuponawhileago
I know right??

I can't believe op is even considering it's ok to behave like it eh.
And all the people being so gentle in response.
Makes me laugh.

All these years of women fighting to be equals in every sense of the word and then you get a poster that thinks only paying £250 a month to live a lifestyle is friggin ok

I'd say cocklodger

Blimey. Sounds like you couldn’t give a toss about him. He’s literally being driven to mental illness by your ridiculous spending and hands off attitude to grown up stuff like finances and you’re angry with him?! You are taking the piss. He should be fucking furious but I expect he’s just been worn down by your horrible behaviour and feels desperate and fearful. Some marriage.

Your husband earns 3x what you do but pays out almost 10x and you think that's fair?

I think that part of the probem is that despite the debt ,we actually live fairly comfortably. We do have some disposable income, however I can see that this needs to be put towards the debts.

No shit!

You have £950 to spend on yourself a month, but despite the that you are still using credit.

You are paying a tiny, tiny amount of your own living expenses.

You are encouraging your husband to use credit.

You have me idea how much of debts that you have run up has been paid off or how long it will take.

I bet you are comfortable!

So you barely contribute, take no interest in improving the situation and run up more debt, and this is your husband's fault? Yeah YABVVVU

It is, and OP needs to get a clue before the husband's resentment leads him to leave.

Contributing £250 is hardly anything. Why didn't you/couldn't you pay more to the family finances? And that leaves a lot of disposable income on your part - what did you spend it all on or did you save any of it? I paid double that when I first moved in with my partner before we even got married/had a joint mortgage! You've had it very easy by the sounds of it and now it's time to face up to the consequences, which is a massive amount of debt.

Agreed

How can you justify spending almost a thousand pounds a month when you have such massive debts?

How can you hand over money for a jumper or pay for a meal out knowing you owe thousands and thousands of pounds?

So the reality is that your husband has been enabling your family to live beyond its means. Sadly I suspect many families are in your position and that position is about to bite hard.

You and your husband need to sit down and work through a reasonable budget on Micawber principles.

Every expense needs to be reviewed and minimised with a clear budget and pot for household maintenance.

Phones
Insurances
Pets
Cars
Hair treatments
Nails
Clothes
After school activities
Household essentials
Holiday budget - one holiday pa - probably camping
Outings - modest

Your take home is £1400, you contribute £450. In my opinion, your husband needs to take credit cards off you entirely and via something like Monzo give you access to £75 per week for small top up shops, child's bits and your personal spends on hair/make-up, etc. That means you contribute £1100 to the debts you have encouraged and built up personally. Eating out and takeaways need to cease until the debts are repaid.

Your sound profligate, entitled and spoilt and need to be empowered to se the reality of your financial position.

I hope some of the budget can be spent on something to support your husband get through this bleak time.

It's disappointing that you have not responded with direct answers to direct questions intended to help you.

IVF is expensive (and emotional debt) as home improvements can be BUT you need to stop the spending now and get on with clearing that debt before it overtakes you.

£30k debt

Your income £1400, house account £250, other spends £200, remainder £950

DH income 3x so £4200, house account £750, debt £1300, other spends £200? Remainder £1950

You could have a spend free 12 months and up the repayments to £2500 to clear the lot... £3500 a month would have you clear for next Christmas if it remains 0%

I would suggest you aim for £3500 given your income. Which gives you £350 a month spends each, plus your £200 personal bills each. £1100 a month spends for 3 of your should be doable and will make you much happier in the long run. To do this you will need to cut up the credit cards, and committ to heavily reducing your lifestyle/spending. Can you pull it off? I hope so as otherwise you'll be in a bigger mess with that level of spending.

When you sit down and talk to him you need to admit you have been blinked to the financial mess your in . You have a lot of disposable income, circa £950 , you need to offer most of this towards the dept .

Yabvu.
Did you need the home improvements? Or were they done to show off to people?
Forget trying to impress people and learn to live within your means. The only way forward is to not buy any non essentials until these enormous debts are paid off in full. You need to support each other and work together to sort this mess out. Racking up more debt when your Dh is paying down the other debts is beyond irresponsible.

Might have been a little selfish....? 🙄

Yes you are being unreasonable.

You aren't paying your way (yes you are putting in 250 but that isn't proportional so he is subsidising you and paying off the debts, plus with costs of everything going up your contribution will barely cover anything) you are running up additional debts and you seem to see it all as his problem to sort out.

It looks like you have a lot of disposable income and are quite happy spending freely so I suspect he is quite stressed about it and you aren't helping.

Well done for acknowledging that you have been selfish, have the conversation and start seeing it as your problem to sort out as much as his

You are angry at him despite being the last person to run up more debt! You're nice aren't you? Get working harder and contribute more if you want to spend!

Am I reading this right? Your dh has paid off 20k of joint debt over 5 years, to which you have contributed nothing, and you're pissed off with him?!

New here what's a reverse?

I'm mostly shocked this isn't a reverse

You've been extremely selfish. And you're being very ungrateful for not appreciating dh
What do you spend your other 1k on if you're only outgoings are £450?

No wonder your poor DH has been on antidepressants!
You need to get your head out of the sand and take responsibility for this mess and jointly come up with a plan
Treat Debt as a priority and pay every spare £ you have after covering the necessary bills
Everything else is just trappings which you can't afford
You need to become an adult
He is parenting you and shielding you from responsibility
You're more than a little selfish!

A reverse is where you present the problem from the other side. So, in this case, it would be the character paying more / taking control posting, but pretending to be the naive/selfish character.

I say ‘character’ deliberately because I really hope this is a troll.

Troll. Or reverse. It’s blatant.

Thanks for the explanation

YABVU

That explains why it was oddly disjointed.