Not sure how to feel - AIBU

[Sarahzzx]

Hi

me and dh have been married for 10 years and together for nearly 20. We are 41 and 42 with one DS.

dh handles the bills etc. he earns 3x my wage and pays the majority. I contribute £250 to our joint account towards the bills and mortgage etc.

we Built up quite a bit of debt about 5 years ago in the region of 50k. Not going into how/why but we both agreed that it needed to change. Dh was particularly worried as he had tried to shield me from the full extent. He ended up on anti depressants etc.

last year I ran up a bit of extra debt which he balance transferred for me and aid off.

yesterday I found out that we still owe about 30k in total. I raised this with dh and I admit I was a bit angry.

he feels that I’m being unreasonable for the following reasons-

1. I never ask him about the debt, or show any interest
2. I have been happy for him to pay off additional debts etc that I have accrued
3. he makes all of the payments from his Salary
4. that I need to accept that it’s a joint issue and not money that he has spent on personal frivolity 5

AIBU to feel annoyed with him?

I can assure you all that this is 100% not a reverse.

We managed to have a conversation about it all yesterday afternoon thank for GP's babysitting for us.

I have underestimated the amount of stress he has been under and I do feel truly sorry for that. I think that I just got so used to him dealing with it that I feel into a selfish state of mind.

We have agreed that he is going to make the debt payments as he is organised and on track, however I am going to save my disposable income so that we have an emergency fund. We will then use some of this money to pay something off etc

We have a lot of work to do but I think that we will be ok

Sounds like the start of a good plan. Hopefully your DH is feeling more positive about it all too.

I feel sorry for your husband tbh. It seems you are taking him for granted.

paying 250 a month!!! And he pays for everything else plus you have enjoyed 50k worth of debt and no coincidence you don’t want to talk about it.

At least you have woken up to the situation.
If you can save £950 a month you can have £11000 in savings in just one year , that's a huge chunk of your debt.
Depending on the interest rates on your dept you need to look at if your better of saving or paying extra off each month.
Maybe sit down and review every 3 months show your husband what you have saved show you are serious about doing your bit .

So he carries on paying and you carry on not paying?! Instead of saving, help pay off the debt!!!

I don't see how this agreement will give your husband any more peace of mind. By agreeing he's the organised one, you're still abdicating all responsibility for dealing with with debt, while somehow he's supposed to trust you that you will save your money and not spend it. Isn't there a more equitable way you could do this?

Whoa. You need a proper family budget with every pound you both earn accounted for. Head over to Money saving expert and their debt free wannabe board and do some reading. Listen to Dave Ramsey Podcasts.

You're still not taking responsibility at all.