SAHM - Living on parents income - how do you work it out?

[TeaBookcats]

I’m a stay at home mum and this month I had my last maternity leave pay from work.

how do you work out your money on one income?

my partner gives me £800 but after all of my personal bills, my food, the animals food, most of my daughters food, clothing, nappies, wipes, baby groups, toiletries, petrol, toys etc I am left with not very much.

my partner earns £4,500 a month. I know £800 seems like a lot but with the price of everything, I seem to struggle at the end. And he doesn’t struggle at all. The house and bills are in his name but he goes halves with his mum as she has shared ownership of the house. He will not open a joint account or withdraw a set amount of cash to use for our daughter every month. I have to ask him if I need more and he gets noticeably annoyed if I do. He’s saying “I can’t handle my money, people that don’t handle money well amount to shit”.

I never buy myself anything, my clothes are second hand. The money I spend goes on the house and our daughter.

All money is joint. That's it, bottom line.
He's paying you like you're his servant.

Oh, sorry, just to add, he buys us takeaway on Fridays and Sat, and we go halves on dinner throughout the week. I buy us a nice dinner on Sunday. If I ask and calculate how much I spend on the baby he will, eventually, send my half of it.

All money is joint
Look paying into a private pension for you
Or go back to work

Wtf, so you and your daughter and the animals in your home get £800 and he gets three times that amount for himself? Fuck that noise.

I've worked full time/ part time/ sahm-ed and, regardless, all our money goes into the joint account and we both have equal access and large purchases are discussed.

Go back to work. Why would you want to be dependent on this man who clearly doesn't want you to be?

Financial abuse plain and simple. Google it.

You need to get out of this arrangement. £4500 is loads, it should be joint family money.

Going halves on stuff is for dating nit family life. Very weird and controlling of him.

To give you an idea of what's normal I'm a sahm and dh and I have a joint account that his wage goes into. We both spend it sensibly and as we see fit. He sees it as my money just as much as it is his.

I’m concerned about your situation OP. You seem very vulnerable. You have no stake in the house in which you live, no legal contract to protect you as a lower earning partner in your relationship, you have sacrificed your earning role, and have to ask for money. If at all possible I’d be getting your job back/looking for a new one to have independent means. If everything is at is is in your OP, and your child are entirely unprotected from any relationship breakdown and vulnerable to financial abuse.

how much would your partner need to pay for a childcare place or nanny to look after your dc full time?

I would go back to work. So you're self sufficient when you have to dump his arse down the track.

OP assuming you have made this decision together to stay at home he should be supporting you. It sounds like financial abuse.

Unfortunately I think you might want to consider going back to work. This man sounds like he could potentially leave you with nothing. Please protect yourself and your child.

This is not ok. You should not be trying to live on £800 when your partner has £4500.

Is there a backstory here? Did he want you to go back to work and is annoyed you haven’t or something (not that this makes it ok, just trying to work out how you both got into this situation).

When I was on maternity leave I had equal access to all our money as a couple.

A normal arrangement for a SAHP would be a completely joint account or at a push the working spouse transferring money so that you each end up with equal disposable spending money after all bills are paid.

If you’re still officially on mat leave, is there time to ask your employer for your job back? He’s using money to control you and I’m assuming you don’t even have the protection of marriage as you say partner. You would be completely insane to make yourself financially dependent on him, please reconsider giving up work.

Can you explain a little more about how the decision for you to be a SAHM was made? I wouldn't make that decision unless my OH was completely on board and we had an agreed approach to finances. I was a SAHM for a while and as with PP we had (and still do) completely joint finances.

Don't give up your financial security without a very clear plan that will give you and your DC a decent life and a finanical safety net.

Money into a joint account then used as and when 🤔

You calculate the bills, that includes savings, groceries and nappies/clothes for everyone in the house.

Then you look at what's left and that is the household disposable income. You either leave it in a joint account and both use that or split it evenly and distribute to personal accounts.

We both agreed for me to stay at home due to child care costs. I haven’t officially given up my job, they have offered me a part time work which will only be £600 a month and my job is an hours drive away. I feel very vulnerable. I have no family to turn too. I’ve been completely stupid. I have applied for cheaper housing near my location of work. My “partner” has told me to leave this house multiple times and then apologised. He isn’t here much as he trains Jiu jitsu and is currently doing up his own jiu jitsu gym, which he is pouring money into. Last month I needed a £100 advance on my mat pay from him and then he deducted it from this months pay. He’s tipping the people doing his gym £60 here and there, even paying for his friend to compete in a competition. He makes me feel like I am being extremely ungrateful for the £800 he’s giving me. He’s buying himself new mugs, new jiu jitsu stuff, hair cuts, coffee machines etc. He uses the I buy us takeaway card every time I mention it.

I really need to leave and I am really really trying to build up to it. I feel like I need counselling before. I think I have really unhealthy attachment issues that stem from my childhood where both of my parents died from alcoholism and a overdose. I am becoming more and more closer to actually leaving. I am starting to detach myself, for the sake of my daughter. I’ve just finished a course of CBT which has worked wonders.

It's reassuring to read how everyone else works out their money. Now I don't feel like I'm being ungrateful.

You don’t have separate money when you are a SAHM, one bank account two cards for the bank account you spend what you need, he spends what he needs. Me and my DH usually say any major purchases over £100 have to be talked about.

All money in joint acc with equal access. We're married with 2 kids and all money earned is family money, it doesn't matter which one of us earned it.

Is the child his? Why are you not married? Has there been any conversations about what happens with finances etc. Also concerned you won't be paying into a pension and as you're not married won't be entitled to his. No stake in the house either.

We had our own accounts and a joint one. His salary went to his (he had an ex and older kids to pay for), then put an amount into the joint. He paid for mortgage and school fees and pensions and other things from his, household bills and food and stuff for our kids from joint. I was secondary person on his credit card and had my own which he paid. If there was a big purchase (like a TV) we discussed it.
He never questioned what I spent money on. I am not the type of person to go out and buy an expensive handbag or whatever - I was used to a much lower income when single. It did feel odd at first but my job paid less that what the childcare fees would be so we jointly decided that I would stay at home (I was also 43 when my second was born which is when I have up work).

TBF £800 a month, with no need to pay for housing or bills does seem like it should be enough for your day to day expenses. What are you spending it on?

Realistically the problem is the lack of transparency. On an overall family income of £4500, £800 personal spends each doesn't seem far off the mark to me. That would leave £2900 for housing, bills, savings, holidays, cars and transport etc, which doesn't seem far off the mark.

I think another problem is that your DDs needs are being paid for by your spends, rather than being seen as a family spend, and taken out "your" pot, rather than the "family" pot. Perhaps sort out a separate account for your DD's expenses, which is separate to your own spends (remember you can claim CB even if your DP is a high earner, he just needs to pay it back via his tax return).

It just doesn't seem like I have much left after all of my bills, car, petrol, food, animals food, daughters clothing, house hold stuff etc

The money left over has nothing to do with me, doesn't go towards us going away, only goes towards HIS savings, nothing to do with my daughter and I. He would never have a family pot as he considers everything as separate. He said he choice to earn well, not me, that's my problem. I would love for my daughter to have savings account. I'm still left with debt from our last place and I'm the only paying it off. It just doesn't seem fair really as it's meant to be a partnership

Everything should be joint, none of this “he gives me” rubbish.

I think you need to leave. You sound terribly unhappy and vulnerable. As a couple with children all money should be joint, he shouldn't be giving you a (small) set amount while he's rolling in 3 times that amount.

Please continue to work on your self confidence and esteem to get away from this man. You can do it, you really can, you sound strong underneath the worries. Keep your job and make sure you are not financially dependent on him. You really will be better off without him, financially and emotionally. When you leave do not let him convince you to stay be saying things like you won't cope without him or he'll take your child - neither of these is true.

Wishing you strength, do it for you and your child.

So you’re in a relationship allegedly strong enough to commit to a child, but not financially? Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Please don't leave your job. You cannot rely on this man for financial support.