SAHM - Living on parents income - how do you work it out?

[TeaBookcats]

I’m a stay at home mum and this month I had my last maternity leave pay from work.

how do you work out your money on one income?

my partner gives me £800 but after all of my personal bills, my food, the animals food, most of my daughters food, clothing, nappies, wipes, baby groups, toiletries, petrol, toys etc I am left with not very much.

my partner earns £4,500 a month. I know £800 seems like a lot but with the price of everything, I seem to struggle at the end. And he doesn’t struggle at all. The house and bills are in his name but he goes halves with his mum as she has shared ownership of the house. He will not open a joint account or withdraw a set amount of cash to use for our daughter every month. I have to ask him if I need more and he gets noticeably annoyed if I do. He’s saying “I can’t handle my money, people that don’t handle money well amount to shit”.

I never buy myself anything, my clothes are second hand. The money I spend goes on the house and our daughter.

Remember if you do work he needs to pay half of childcare and not let it all come out of your salary. You shouldn't have to live with second hand clothes if your partner has such a good wage. He is not a good man and nothing will change.

In our house all money is joint. DH earns £1800 per month. £1500 goes into the "bills account", which pays all bills/expenses (including £90 per week for food). We get £50 each to spend on ourselves (a hobby for DH and little treats for me, like lunch out with a friend)
The other £200 goes into the "extras account" which is for the occasional treat or day out.

Do not leave your job. Sort out childcare and return ASAP.

Oh OP, have an un-mumsnetty hug I hope you can find the strength to leave, for you and your daughter.

I’m a SAHP. All money is joint money. All savings are joint savings. All food is joint food. DH’s salary, DD’s disability living allowance, and my carers allowance all go into a joint bank account. All spending is done on a joint credit card. There is no yours/mine, it’s all family money.

You need to focus on leaving first - while you still have a job - and then healing yourself afterwards.

It's not possible to heal and recover while you are still being injured by his ongoing abuse. Same as a physical wound doesn't heal if you keep poking at it and opening it up. You won't get anywhere with CBT if you are living in a mentally unsafe situation like this.

Women's Aid and Freedom Programme can support with leaving and recovering afterwards.

As already suggested, don’t resign from your job. Also, you said you had looked into a cheaper property. Did you find anything suitable?

This is financial abuse and telling you to get out of his house is emotional/psychological abuse.

He won’t change so don’t waste your energy trying to please him in the hope that he’ll change his attitude.

Get your ducks in a row, documents for the DC and any financial documents you can access. Make steps to leave but do not tell him. Do you have a siblings or parents who could help you?

My DH doesn't earn nearly as much as that. I'm on maternity but will probably be a SAHM at the end too). It's all shared. I can spend as much as I want (I am a thrifty person who doesn't like to spend money, mind)

Your DP is a selfish mean entitled fuckwit. You're being treated appallingly. Men like him make me so angry.

You need to work. You cannot become reliant on him or you'll never get out, especially as you'll be in a very vulnerable position if you're not married.

I assume he's not paying into a pension for you or anything if you're not going to be working?

If you're working full time the childcare should be split which of course he can afford.

The thing is, however much people may say he's nasty etc, the reality is that if you're not married, he has no responsibility to support YOU. He has a responsibility to pay half the costs of your joint child, and that is it. Legally that would be covered by the CMS calculation if you split up, which would likely be less than the £800 he gives you, and he'd not have to pay anything else towards living costs.

You're not financially joined, you are not committed as a couple. He doesn't have a responsibility to support you. Personally I'd not stay with someone like that, but that's your choice.

Until he's prepared to legally financially join with you and give you full financial support, you need to continue to work FULL TIME. You split the child care costs between you, and split any other costs relating to your joint child between you.

Time to see the relationship for what it is, and make sure you keep your own financial independence.

I hardly think that marrying ("legally financially joining with") someone already known to be abusive would be an ideal plan. Rather misses the point.

Besides which, human responsibilities and relationships are defined in ways beyond mere legal compliance.

Isn’t it obvious that the answer is that most people have joint accounts?

You are not marrieed
Your name is not on the house
You are just a live in au pair presumably giving him sex too
You can be chucked out tomorow you have zero rights

So leave on your terms and get child maintensnce

Terrible idea to be dependent on a boyfriend, you urgently need to get your job back, and find somewhere to live, the boyfriend has already threatened you with homelessness, the relationship is obviously over.

I think you need to go back to work, OP. And when that happens he needs to come up with at least half of the childcare costs. Do not let him con you into paying for childcare costs on your own.

This is not a normal or healthy position to become a SAHM in. Don't give up your job. You need to be self-sufficient.

I'm a SAHM: married, joint account, I'd say equal spending, but I spend more on children & myself. Money has Never been used as a weapon or threat or grudgingly towards me. And now I'm starting work again soon because I'd like to.

OP is not married.
So it leaves her very vulnerable. The dynamic is odd so your partners mum pays half towards bills for some where she doesn't live?

WITHOUT telling your partner I would register for a council house and start bidding...you have a lot of take away twice in a week. Then Sunday? But you can't afford childcare between you?

Go back to work OP ASAP. Half the childcare bill..

Excellent point you will get a decent amount of CMS on that salary.

He's treating you like a maid looking after his children. On his salary he should be paying for everything and covering your personal bills or you have access to the joint account. Not giving you £800 a month and expecting you to find what you do.

I'd go as far as to say you are being financially abused.

Why do so many men think that the child is only the womans responsibility in every way and financially?

Hes £4500 to contribute towards nursery fees. Go back full time, and leave and claim CM of him.

Reading so many of these threads every single day makes me so glad I am single, employed, home owner and my son and I rely only on me.

Are you claiming child benefit? Have a look at entitled to and see what you might be able to claim if you left him. He is abusing you and you deserve so much more

Wtf OP. That's terrible. Joint surely?! I think you may need to go back to work

Read the rest of your posts. 100% financial abuse. I would go back to work and plan my escape. You can't live like that.

You’re in a very precarious position OP. You’re not married, not on the deeds of the house so he can kick you out when he feels like it and you won’t get a claim on anything. Or it’s a complicated court process to make a claim.

Giving you a measly ‘allowance’ this is financial abuse.

regardless of whose choice it was for you to stay at home I personally would get a job or not leave your current one, get him to pay for half the childcare, make sure any child benefit goes into your account. You’re going to have to be ruthless if you decide you stay with this man. If he wants to keep you poor like this then you need to start thinking about your welfare and that starts with earning money. And if you’re out working he needs to be doing half of the domestic work as well as the childcare. Ofcourse he won’t like it, he’s got a nice set up here. But you need to safeguard yourself and finances cos clearly he’s only bothered about himself and not about the mother of his children and therefore doesn’t give a stuff about them either because if were to drop dead tomorrow, you’d be in trouble. Don’t leave your job at the very least.

You are being abused.

you need to go back to work full-time. He needs to pay for child care proportionate to his income. Don’t ask. Just do it. You can’t let yourself be financially dependent on a man like this.

in a normal, healthy relationship, every penny he earned while you were caring for a shared child would be considered joint earnings.