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Original poster

Ex moved abroad to avoid maintenance

85 replies

SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 19:12

My daughter is turning 2 next year and her father told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby once I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't support her financially but eventually helped out once she was born but didn't play an active role in her life until recently when he told me he was moving abroad and would no longer support us.

I had a look into what I could do to get some sort of financial support as times are tough and the cost of living just keeps rising, I'm worried I'll struggle to support us long term as we're really struggling now, does anyone know how the REMO process works? I have no idea where he's moved to and am terrified we'll be left to fend for ourselves in the long term. Will they locate him? Other forums have said the cms aren't detectives and won't locate him

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/06/2022 19:20

Mine did the same to avoid maintenance and I never got any. He came back when DS was 18 and I reported him then for back pay. Nothing was done. I dont think you will ever get any money tbh.

Raspberryjam22 · 22/06/2022 19:24

Mine did the same , returned when DC had finished education. He now wonders why they aren’t interested in having a relationship with him.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 19:24

I know CMS won't track him down, but can't REMO do anything to locate him?

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Marchmount · 22/06/2022 19:29

Which country is he moving to and how will he be earning money whilst there?

fallfallfall · 22/06/2022 19:31

best to be prepared to be fully self reliant.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 19:32

I have no idea, he won't tell me

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Gymbunny101 · 22/06/2022 19:40

Hi, has he already moved? If not how long until he does and would he be likely to correspond to them?
Had a similar situation myself years back, opened a case with CMS and he moved to Australia for a few years, however he had not corresponded with CMS previous and they had had confirmation from a company he was working but self employed with his job role before he left, i informed then what he had done and they kept the case opened and allowed the debt to build until he returned as they had said they had had no communication from him so they were unaware, a few thousand had built up by the time he returned..

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 20:02

The CMS worked out he owed me nothing because he became unemployed before breaking the news, do you think he did that so cms wouldnt build up payments if he ever came back?

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Luidaeg · 22/06/2022 20:05

He said he didn't want a child. You knew you would be on your own.

It's tough, but not a surprise though?

bbqhulahoop · 22/06/2022 20:05

I'd consult a solicitor on their free 30 minutes. There are very few western countries where he'd get away with not having to pay maintenance. You'd need to go to a UK court to enforce it but it's relatively cheap and will go in your favour. The complication os not knowing where he's gone but I can't believe nothing can be done ahout that. Hopefully he's gone somewhere like the US where non payment will have consequences, unlike here!

Gymbunny101 · 22/06/2022 20:05

SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 20:02

The CMS worked out he owed me nothing because he became unemployed before breaking the news, do you think he did that so cms wouldnt build up payments if he ever came back?

Sounds like it yes, is he definately not working? Can you prove he is if he is working? I had managed to find a company logo from a work t-shirt and had provided the contact details to which the CMS contacted and they had confirmed but had said he was self employed, which was when they did an estimate of earnings and let the amount build up.. I would definately start trying to gather any information now

bbqhulahoop · 22/06/2022 20:05

Luidaeg · 22/06/2022 20:05

He said he didn't want a child. You knew you would be on your own.

It's tough, but not a surprise though?

If he didn't want a child he should have taken steps to prevent one. He doesn't need to coparent but he does need to accept his responsibility

Reallyreallyborednow · 22/06/2022 20:07

best to be prepared to be fully self reliant

this.

check entitledto.com, and do everything you can to bring in your own income.

does he have ties to any country? Post brexit it’s not that easy to up and emigrate, especially for someone unemployed. Unless he has a skill that’s particularly in demand somewhere.

he must have been planning this though. I don’t think you’ll get anything out of him so get your strong independent head on and get on with your life.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 20:08

No, he quit as soon as he got the letter from cms, he paid initially but then they worked it out that he was unemployed and not on benefits so I don't get a penny from him now. I don't know if he's moved yet is there anything cms or remo could do? i saw somewhere else that i'd need a private investigator?

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Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 20:10

Reallyreallyborednow · 22/06/2022 20:07

best to be prepared to be fully self reliant

this.

check entitledto.com, and do everything you can to bring in your own income.

does he have ties to any country? Post brexit it’s not that easy to up and emigrate, especially for someone unemployed. Unless he has a skill that’s particularly in demand somewhere.

he must have been planning this though. I don’t think you’ll get anything out of him so get your strong independent head on and get on with your life.

No ties to any other countries that I'm aware of, he definitely has employable skills though so finding work wouldn't be an issue for him

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tribpot · 22/06/2022 20:10

This looks like the process for a UK resident with the other parent overseas. The onus is on you to find out which country he's in. REMO isn't an organisation, it's an agreement. A friend of mine used it to obtain child support from an absent father in the UK (she is abroad) but she had to use a private detective to track him down first as she needed an address.

Keep in mind he might be lying about moving abroad so that you give up on chasing him. I would talk to a couple of private detective agencies and get a quote - for finding him in this country or for finding him abroad.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 20:48

tribpot · 22/06/2022 20:10

This looks like the process for a UK resident with the other parent overseas. The onus is on you to find out which country he's in. REMO isn't an organisation, it's an agreement. A friend of mine used it to obtain child support from an absent father in the UK (she is abroad) but she had to use a private detective to track him down first as she needed an address.

Keep in mind he might be lying about moving abroad so that you give up on chasing him. I would talk to a couple of private detective agencies and get a quote - for finding him in this country or for finding him abroad.

knowing him, i seriously doubt he'd be lying about moving, it wouldn't make sense for him to quit his job if he wasn't as he was paying me over £200 a week so he had a very well paid job. I honestly don't think I could afford a private detective as i haven't got savings. do I just give up then? even if they did locate him, i imagine he'd just move again

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BiscoffSundae · 22/06/2022 20:50

My ex is in the U.K. and I’ve never managed to get a penny from him, I’ve given up and accepted it

Saiorse81 · 22/06/2022 20:55

How long had you been together when you got pregnant? Was it a long term relationship? Had you spoken about children?

CaptSkippy · 22/06/2022 20:58

I am a little shocked as all these men just having a child and then bailing till the child is 18 so they won't have to pay. It's ultimately punishing the child for a mistake they made.

Longdistance · 22/06/2022 21:04

He’s probably bluffing and moving 100miles away. What’s his job role? (Apart from being a useless father).

ComfyChairPose · 22/06/2022 21:06

They don't see it as punishing the child though. They see it as punishing the mother.

My x paid, sporadically, and I worked full time. I was earning 500 a week net after tax roughly and he gave 500 a month but when he saw I had braces, he said to my daughter, ''I paid for those''. My daughter said nothing but got the full measure of who he is. Now he's moved house and he thinks we don't know where he lives but we do. I choose not to pursue maintenance for the younger child who is under 18. My x would just love it. Another opportunity to say no. To BEAT me. To win.

Sadly @SarahFreshwater although you deserve better and your child deserves better I would try your level best to go it alone.

Perhaps get a private detective and TRY first, so that you know that you did try. So that if your child every asks ''why didn't you try?'' because small children just want your love of course but teenagers can be materialistic and want to ''get money from Dad''. So if you tried, before you accepted you would be doing it alone, you'd be prepared for 1) doing it alone and 2) the questions

Heytheredeliah · 22/06/2022 21:10

How awful for you. I can really sympathise. You could look at his LinkedIn to see his job role and location if he has got a LinkedIn profile. You could also have a look on his social media pages to see if they give any clues to his location or workplace.

Steelesauce · 22/06/2022 21:11

From personal experience, it is not worth the stress and heartbreak trying all different ways to make them pay. Stick your claim in with cma and just let it run on and don't expect anything. Focus on bringing up your child single handedly and be proud of that. Deadbeats will always be deadbeats, don't go spending your own precious funds or wasting mental energy on that idiot. Life is much happier when you stop caring about them.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 21:17

we wasn't in a long term relationship and he was clear he didnt want children but i thought he might change his mind which he never did, no one made him sleep with me though.
He's not on any social media platforms, he's deleted them all now except messenger so I won't know anything but he wouldnt bluff, im not sure if its him not wanting to pay or him not wanting to be anywhere near our daughter as he feels ive tricked him into fatherhood

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