Ex moved abroad to avoid maintenance

[SarahFreshwater]

My daughter is turning 2 next year and her father told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby once I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't support her financially but eventually helped out once she was born but didn't play an active role in her life until recently when he told me he was moving abroad and would no longer support us.

I had a look into what I could do to get some sort of financial support as times are tough and the cost of living just keeps rising, I'm worried I'll struggle to support us long term as we're really struggling now, does anyone know how the REMO process works? I have no idea where he's moved to and am terrified we'll be left to fend for ourselves in the long term. Will they locate him? Other forums have said the cms aren't detectives and won't locate him

It’s unlikely you’ll get any money from him. It’s depressing, so many men who think they can have kids and not support them at all. Disgusts me.

And not tell her sexual partner about the "forgotten" pills.

Not taking the pill is a deliberately act. If OP wasn't grown up and organised enough to maintain this there are other options.

I don't think it's a stretch to belive she did this on purpose.

OP, you acted immorally by not taking the pill regularly, not telling him when you didn't and not going for the morning after pill when you knew he didn't want to be a father, yet decided to hold on to hope he would change his mind. Nevertheless, you acted within your rights.

He is acting immorally by not paying towards a child he conceived, but within his rights to alter his life as he wishes so that he legally doesn't have to pay.

I feel sad for your daughter who will be growing up without her biological father and not as we off as she should, but I do feel for him as he was lied to and ultimately manipulated.

She forgot a few pills

He had sex thinking she was on birth control

Is that fair or right?

No birth control is a hundred percent effective, you do know that? Have sex enough times and you’re going to get pregnant using birth control. My living proof is at school currently.
What I am saying is ANYONE who engages in heterosexual sex has to be ok with conceiving a child. As a woman that means abortion or having the kid and as a man they need to be extra careful as they don’t get an option as it’s not their body (but still it’s still their responsibility by engaging in an act of procreation). Don’t want consequences don’t have sex.

What I am saying is ANYONE who engages in heterosexual sex has to be ok with conceiving a child

Yes, but is COMPLETELY wrong to tell someone you are on birth control when effectively you are not!!!

More fool him for not taking responsibility for his actions. I bet you if it was legally enforceable that men had to pay x amount per child per month and not based on earnings we would see a lot less of this situation and a lot more marriages staying together. There’s no consequences for men, that’s the problem.
And OP said she forgot. Not deliberately lied.

If you do not want to be pg - you dont 'forget'

And when you do forget you do the decent thing and tell your partner so that he can make an informed decision. There's a big difference in the risk of getting pregnant when the birth control is used reliably and when it isn't.

I bet you if it was legally enforceable that men had to pay x amount per child per month and not based on earnings we would see a lot less of this situation and a lot more marriages staying together

no, we’d see a lot of lower earning men homeless and higher earning men happily skipping off to their new lives paying a pittance.

out of interest, what would your “x amount” be? How would you arrive at a number? If it isn’t earnings based should a man earning 200k pay the same as a man earning 20k?

you do also realise women also choose divorce? You want to keep them in a relationship they don’t want to be in?

@Luidaeg she said they hadn't been seeing each other long, so unlikely to be in love. I think on that basis, yes a man should be taking his own separate precautions. I had a casual fling with a guy once who said he'd had the snip. I still keep taking the pill and made him use a condom because I absolutely was not going to trust what this relative stranger said given the consequences.

SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 21:17

we wasn't in a long term relationship and he was clear he didnt want children but i thought he might change his mind which he never did, no one made him sleep with me though.

she doesn't say she didn't know him long, it's possible based on the above, although it may also mean they were fwb?

I agree he should have used other protection, but there is no defending the op here, she out and out lied. She clearly wanted a child.

But you did tricked him. You wanted a child. He didn't. You have what you wanted. Now have some pride and provide for the child yourself. You are not getting anything from his big salary. You will have to learn to live within your means.

Oh poor men. Guess women better carry the can instead, as we currently do. I have no sympathy, the child created is completely innocent, not the one half that made it. That was a choice.
Well I guess you could say a reasonable figure for raising a child then half of childcare costs on top if he isn’t taking physical care of the child. This also limits women tremendously as they can’t take quite a lot of jobs due to solely being responsible for childcare. Instead of expecting the state to pay, maybe the other half of the child’s creator could?

I'm not defending the op. I think she was careless and proceeded knowing it was highly unlikely he'd want to be involved. But ultimately, the child who has been created deserves to be supported by both parents and as the father clearly took a gamble on the ops integrity and capacity to remember the pill, it's equally on him to provide maintenance. He absolutely could and should have looked to his OWN contraceptive methods, especially as he is so sure he doesn't want kids.

@Saiorse81

Relevant how??

You are forgetting she wanted a child. She said she will struggle without his payments. She wanted a child and someone else to pay for it. Ideally someone with a high salary. This is clearly a trap. He is within his rights to move wherever he wants. I am sorry for the child. An unscrupulous woman as a mother and a heartless man as a father.

I really wouldn’t bother. If he can just up and move whatever paltry sum you might (but probably won’t) be able to squeeze from him won’t be worth the trouble you go to to get it.

Did you deliberately get pregnant?

Completely separate query;

• Is he on the birth certificate.

If he is then can you go to a solicitor and see if you can get a quick court order confirming your DD's living with you and all practical day to day parental responsibility is yours. Because in the future you might wish to go abroad on a holiday and you legally cannot without his consent. If you can't find him and have no contact with him then it might be an issue.

Better to sort that logistical bit out now.

As for the maintenqance, others have had better advice, but at best any attempts to locate him and mnake him pay sound like they will be difficult.

Very best of luck.

This is false. You don't need the other parent permission to go on holidays.

He is physically free to abandon his child, but should be made to financially support them. It’s to support the child not give money to the mother. The child is innocent. As soon as you have sex there is the possibility of pregnancy. Even with contraceptives. If he was so bothered he should have taken extra precautions (which still might have failed) or abstained.

www.birketts.co.uk/insights/legal-updates/taking-children-abroad-parental-permission

It is not false.

The most annoying thing is they turn up after all the hard work is done expecting to be treated as a father just because of the sperm they contributed...its just sickening!