Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Ex moved abroad to avoid maintenance

85 replies

SarahFreshwater · 22/06/2022 19:12

My daughter is turning 2 next year and her father told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby once I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't support her financially but eventually helped out once she was born but didn't play an active role in her life until recently when he told me he was moving abroad and would no longer support us.

I had a look into what I could do to get some sort of financial support as times are tough and the cost of living just keeps rising, I'm worried I'll struggle to support us long term as we're really struggling now, does anyone know how the REMO process works? I have no idea where he's moved to and am terrified we'll be left to fend for ourselves in the long term. Will they locate him? Other forums have said the cms aren't detectives and won't locate him

OP posts:
Heytheredeliah · 22/06/2022 21:20

CaptSkippy · 22/06/2022 20:58

I am a little shocked as all these men just having a child and then bailing till the child is 18 so they won't have to pay. It's ultimately punishing the child for a mistake they made.

I agree. It's terrible

jmh740 · 22/06/2022 21:28

My ex moved to new Zealand and I never had a penny for our son. REMO will not find him for you you will need to provide them with all the details and they will try and get some money from him but tbh I wouldn't expect much

LaurieFairyCake · 22/06/2022 21:29

Well I think you're wrong he wouldn't bluff - it's mostly always a bluff - it's very hard just to bugger off abroad - if he's gone definitely chase him for the money

More likely he lives in Manchester and works online

He's a twat Flowers

ComfyChairPose · 22/06/2022 21:30

Has he just blocked you and all your close friends.

Get a stranger to search for him.

UserError012345 · 22/06/2022 21:31

What an absolute knob head. I have no words (other than those).

Quitelikeit · 22/06/2022 21:42

Why does he say that you tricked him into this?

I do think it’s relevant?

£200pw maintenance indicates he’s a very high earner

GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 21:45

Well he's lived up to his promise of not wanting anything to do with her, and not supporting financially. I'd strap in for a solo mission.

oviraptor21 · 22/06/2022 22:40

I assume you don't have any mutual friends.
Do you know what kind of work he does?

Luidaeg · 22/06/2022 23:36

bbqhulahoop · 22/06/2022 20:05

If he didn't want a child he should have taken steps to prevent one. He doesn't need to coparent but he does need to accept his responsibility

Show quote history

I agree he is an arsehole, but its not like he claimed to want a child and buggered off.

I know it is unfair and no one should be forced to have an abortion,

we wasn't in a long term relationship and he was clear he didnt want children but i thought he might change his mind which he never did, no one made him sleep with me though.

CaptSkippy · 23/06/2022 09:02

Luidaeg · 22/06/2022 23:36

I agree he is an arsehole, but its not like he claimed to want a child and buggered off.

I know it is unfair and no one should be forced to have an abortion,

we wasn't in a long term relationship and he was clear he didnt want children but i thought he might change his mind which he never did, no one made him sleep with me though.

Show quote history

His choice ends where his sperm enters her body. Whatever happens after, he is on the hook for, whether it is to cover the cost of an abortion or the cost of childcare. He doesn't like it, he should keep it in his pants.

Luidaeg · 23/06/2022 10:19

I'm not disagreeing with you - he should be paying for his child, but OP cannot claim she didnt know this would happen "her father told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby once I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't support her financially"

Yes he is an arsehole
Yes he should pay

No it is not a surprise that he hasnt paid

Quitelikeit · 23/06/2022 12:17

Captain skippy

what if this couple had an explicit agreement that there would be no children! What if they used contraception?

the op has said she knew he didn’t want children - if he feels like he was purposely trapped into fatherhood then I can understand his anger!

nowhere has the op said she is devastated that this man won’t be part of her daughters life - that is the sad part.

if the op did indeed knowingly create the pregnancy then she will have to live with the consequences of that decision.

there is a moral element to this. It is abhorrent knowingly trapping someone into fatherhood.

yes there’s a big school of thought on here saying if you dtd then you carry the risk but come on it doesn’t sound like it was a risk here it sounds like an agreement which someone changed their mind about!!!

Reallyreallyborednow · 23/06/2022 18:03

yes there’s a big school of thought on here saying if you dtd then you carry the risk but come on it doesn’t sound like it was a risk here it sounds like an agreement which someone changed their mind about!!!

i agree if he didn’t want kids that much he should have abstained, and now there’s a child he should be paying.

however, o/p proceeded with the pregnancy knowing he didn’t want the child and explicitly said he wouldn’t contribute financially.

so it should be no suprise that he’s pissed off to evade paying, and she should have made sure she had the ability to provide for her child without him. If he did pay up, bonus

blublub · 23/06/2022 18:14

I will never understand why men can’t accept responsibility for having their end away. Maybe it’s because there are no consequences for them in this country and by the replies on here women are mostly quite happy with this.
No sex is risk free, even with contraceptives. If you’re having sex you have to deal with the consequences, not get to walk away.

sorry OP I think if he’s well off he has even more ways of hiding his cash and cms are useless.

morekidsthanhands1 · 23/06/2022 18:20

My ex doesn’t pay me anything. When he did at the start, he would withold money until I was begging him to pay the mortgage and help me with the bills as I was trying to get straight. He then stopped paying and He told me to take him to court but the stress and cost would have taken its toll on me. I’m proud to say it was the drive I needed to sort out my finances. I got a new job, remortgaged, bought my ex out the family home. I don’t get a penny and I don’t ever want to be reliant on him. Feels good to to be fully independent. Honestly he is doing you a favour in the long run. Once you are financially independent you’re totally free!

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 23/06/2022 18:29

Given the circumstances I wouldn't bother chasing him. Accept he's not bothered and focus on doing your best for your child. My ex has gone to great lengths to avoid paying child support. I've rumbled his latest ruse and reported him to CMS. I don't expect to get a penny out of him ever again but knowing he's been caught out lying about his earnings and employment status is compensation enough for me 🙂

LilyMarshall · 23/06/2022 18:34

he feels ive tricked him into fatherhood

how did you get pregnant? I don't know how he could be tricked unless you poked holes in condoms.

Original poster
SarahFreshwater · 23/06/2022 18:48

LilyMarshall · 23/06/2022 18:34

he feels ive tricked him into fatherhood

how did you get pregnant? I don't know how he could be tricked unless you poked holes in condoms.

I was on the pill but forgot to take it a few times, it wasn't intentional but I don't regret becoming a mother at all. He was aware I was on the pill but wasn't aware I'd forgotten to take it

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 23/06/2022 19:20

There are many many nrp not paying their way. I have £20k of arrears in my account and my youngest is 9. Ex doesn't engage with Cms. So it rolls on. I don't expect for one min to see a penny. Ex moves. Changes jobs. Goes self employed. Or just doesn't work. Why they can't just deduct the money direct from his account I don't know as he would soon be on the phone to them then.

So in a nutshell. It is highly unlikely you will see any money from him if he is so determined to not pay. Rubbish as it is. It is easier once you make your peace with it.

Whitehorsegirl · 23/06/2022 20:06

''we wasn't in a long term relationship and he was clear he didnt want children but i thought he might change his mind''

Are you surprised that he is not interested in supporting this kid?

You had my sympathy until I read the above. You knew this would happen.

Luidaeg · 23/06/2022 20:41

I was on the pill but forgot to take it a few times, it wasn't intentional

so if he put some holes in the condom unintentionally and you got pregnant, would that be OK?

bg21 · 23/06/2022 21:08

SarahFreshwater · 23/06/2022 18:48

I was on the pill but forgot to take it a few times, it wasn't intentional but I don't regret becoming a mother at all. He was aware I was on the pill but wasn't aware I'd forgotten to take it

Show quote history

Well you pretty much did , and now you need to learn how to be self sufficient and raise your child alone

blublub · 23/06/2022 21:42

Putting holes in a condom is a deliberate act. Forgetting a pill isn’t. If he was so concerned about not being a father why didn’t he insist on condoms or get the snip? Why is a woman always responsible??! It takes two people to make a baby! Unless she raped him he is 50% responsible.

Luidaeg · 23/06/2022 23:20

blublub · 23/06/2022 21:42

Putting holes in a condom is a deliberate act. Forgetting a pill isn’t. If he was so concerned about not being a father why didn’t he insist on condoms or get the snip? Why is a woman always responsible??! It takes two people to make a baby! Unless she raped him he is 50% responsible.

If she said she was on the pill, then he should be able to trust her

She has said he didn't want dc, that he said he wasn't interested in dc when she got pg,

Are men expected to treat all women as liars and idiots who don't take their pill properly?

" yes I love you but I don't trust you to take the pull properly..."

Luidaeg · 23/06/2022 23:21

And further to that, op was quite happy to "forget a few pills"

Swipe left for the next trending thread