How do you split your bills...

[GAL8]

I earn £1200 working 3 days a week. I was full time, have been part time the last 18 months since DD was born. Partner earns just below £4K a month. He pays all household bills, including mortgage. I buy food which is around £600 a month & pay the car tax. I have my own outgoings of £350 a month for an old loan & credit cards, phone bill, etc. Anyway I'm left with just under £250 for myself & DD, (I buy all her clothes, toys etc) & put petrol in the car. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week. Partner pays the bill (works out at just under £200 a month)

Due to working hours, we need DD in nursery another day & a half a week. Partner is looking to me to pay half, which will work out at just under £200. Leaving me £50 a month or so. I feel guilty but I can't afford to live off £50 a month. Is it unreasonable to think he should foot the whole bill? His bills come to just under £2K a month. I do totally appreciate he's very kind in letting me just pay for food & car tax, but it's times like these I miss having a full time wage, as I'm down £500 a month but still incurring the same monthly costs. I just wondered how any one else split their bills?

Sorry, op, but you sound so bloody naive. You are afloat in a boat full of holes, and you refuse to see it. You think marriage doesn't matter and you're so, so wrong. Your partner is taking total advantage of your position.

Others seem to be going off track & just reek of their own bad experiences for which they seem very bitter

I'm very happily married with a great bloke.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

OP may start a business or get an amazing job down the line and be the serious earner.

He could be made redundant or something could happen so he can't work.

It cuts both ways.

If DH and I split then I assume he'd do pretty well out of it!

[quote GAL8]@DuesToTheDirt He pays the mortgage, & all household bills. Car insurance too. He currently pays our childcare bill (£200 a month) if he does pay this new bill, that'll be £400 a month. I can't ask him for anything further if he does pay that.

It's my pride & embarrassment that stops me asking for help, not that I ask him for it & he rejects me.[/quote]
Why do you have such low self esteem? I expect my partner to share everything whether I’m working or not! If I’m looking after our children, that’s contributing too.

You are kidding yourself that a child is a commitment. So many men prove every day that it isn’t, not to mention the literally billions the uk govt wiped in unpaid accrued child support. billions of pounds representing a fraction of the load of raising a child that women are owed from the fathers of their children and that said fathers have walked away from.

@Aquamarine1029 I didn't say marriage didn't matter, I just don't want to do it. It doesn't appeal to me. I don't think I'm naive. But if saying that makes you feel better, crack on.

If this is how he treats you when you're together and in love, imagine how he'll treat you if you separate...

Why don't you pool money, then each take half of what's left after bills, food, childcare, child expenses, savings... but leave out your personal debt repayments which you'd pay out of your play money?

I agree it's not on him to pay back your historical debts.

You're enabling him to have the career he has so it's not "taking his money"

[quote GAL8]@Nsky he has recently done a will to which I am the beneficiary in case anything happens to him.[/quote]
He will change that if you split though

Based on the numbers given it takes around 3000£ a month to run your home. That’s including your daughters childcare, clothing, and toy expenses. You make 23% percent of the household income. If you two had a joint account for expenses your contribution would be 690 with your debt payments coming out of your remaining money. That’s fair if he’s not willing to pay off your debt. I don’t think he should have to subsidize your debt, and I know if he was the one in debt no one would be telling you that you need to pay more to cover his debt. Do you have much longer until you pay it off?

OP my DH and I earn very different amounts. (He earns about 3X my salary)

There was a time when we were first married that he earned nothing, and I was the earner.

He pays for more stuff than me, but I manage the finances for the family- budgeting and keeping track of all spending.

When I first had kids I earned nothing. I never considered that I was living 'rent free' or not contributing. I was contributing the childcare and running of the household.

We actually have separate bank accounts, but all money is considered to be 'ours'.

Stop feeling guilty. Presumably you chose to have a child together- that has a financial impact and commitment.

What in the ever loving fuck are you buying every month that warrants a £600 food bill? That's absolutely insane?!

Joint account - put in proportionally to what you earn, Joint savings that you both have access to. Both left with equal spending money.

Not being married with your current set up leaves you in a very vulnerable position.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Others seem to be going off track & just reek of their own bad experiences for which they seem very bitter

I'm very happily married with a great bloke.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Same.

It happens, on here and elsewhere, over and over and over and over again. "Marriage is just a piece of paper." "He'd take care of me even if we split." "We'll get married... some day." Then the split (usually; very very occasionally he dies, but usually he just fucks off) and soon he has a new partner, and it's no house, no pension, no or minimal child maintenance, and looking at a life of struggling with no assets to fall back on.

I want women to protect themselves and think smart. If you don't want to pool assets through marriage, do not make ANY sacrifices in your earning power. None. Because you'll get jack shit back for them.

I think this is worrying It's my pride & embarrassment that stops me asking for help, not that I ask him for it & he rejects me

You chose to have a child with this man, you have been together years and yet you cannot even have a conversation about finances.

When Dh and I moved in together, before marriage, despite both being graduates he earned a bit more than me so we put everything in one pot, left ourselves with the same amount of money each for spends, out of that one pot came bills plus money into a savings account.

Since then and marriage Dh has gone on to increase his salary, I reduced mine after having Ds1 but we had a full conversation about money etc and how we would fund my maternity leave and how it would work with my part time hours afterwards before we had a child together. Since then I became a long term SAHM when Ds1 was a toddler as I am partially disabled and we went on to have Ds2.

I did feel like a burden to him but he never made me feel that way, I went from having earned my own money from 14 years old to zero. I found it hard. I have access to the joint account, I am the additional card holder on his credit card as it earns us points and I am free to spend whatever I want.

I have savings in my sole name as does he but mine has more in it. We have been married 21 years. Every year we have a financial meeting and discuss what we have spent over the last year and on what, what our plans are for the next year for spending. In previous years this has included the renovation of our house so new boiler, radiators, double glazing, new bathroom, kitchen extension etc.

You need to be able to talk about money. If he is as good a man and partner as you say he is he should be mortified that you have far less money than him every month, but also, why hasn't this occurred to him?

I have been on MN for 15 years, I wish I had a pound for every thread I have read where women get royally shafted by a partner or husband after they separate, hence why people are saying marriage is important when you are working part time, reducing your own pension contribution whilst he is paying into his and you have no claim on it. I know you say you have family to move in with should things go pear, but family circumstances can change too and you might not have somewhere to go.

If things change at some point, heaven forbid he gets sick and can't work and you have to become the bread winner for example, could you imagine having £2000 a month and leaving him with £50?

Not sure if you have answered this but is the house in joint names ?

I have been on MN for 15 years, I wish I had a pound for every thread I have read where women get royally shafted by a partner or husband after they separate, hence why people are saying marriage is important when you are working part time, reducing your own pension contribution whilst he is paying into his and you have no claim on it.

This a thousand times over.

@AllosaurusMum

Based on the numbers given it takes around 3000£ a month to run your home. That’s including your daughters childcare, clothing, and toy expenses. You make 23% percent of the household income. If you two had a joint account for expenses your contribution would be 690 with your debt payments coming out of your remaining money. That’s fair if he’s not willing to pay off your debt. I don’t think he should have to subsidize your debt, and I know if he was the one in debt no one would be telling you that you need to pay more to cover his debt. Do you have much longer until you pay it off?

This post is the clearest answer to the practical question and the fairest. Pay in proportion, your debts are your own.

If debt repayments mean you have very little play money left, that’s just how it is I’m afraid.

@AllosaurusMum

Based on the numbers given it takes around 3000£ a month to run your home. That’s including your daughters childcare, clothing, and toy expenses. You make 23% percent of the household income. If you two had a joint account for expenses your contribution would be 690 with your debt payments coming out of your remaining money. That’s fair if he’s not willing to pay off your debt. I don’t think he should have to subsidize your debt, and I know if he was the one in debt no one would be telling you that you need to pay more to cover his debt. Do you have much longer until you pay it off?

Very sensible suggestions here.

Is the house in both names?

I work 3 days a week, my partner is in full time work.
He tends to pay for everything except:
Most of the food (which comes to about £500 per month for the 4 of us), holidays, clothes and coffees out, things I want and costs associated with my car.

I am happy with this. He gives me £200 per month. We don't have a joint account.

You will have more money when you have cleared your debt, which I think is reasonable for you to be responsible for.

Splitting the household costs only makes sense if they are splitting the household assets, which means she gets to be proportionally gaining equity if she pays some of the mortgage. I'm willing to bet he doesn't want this.

@GAL8
I know you don’t want to get married for financial reasons but you focus on you splitting up.

Have you consider what happens if one of you dies and you are not married?

I live on my own so can't give you a personal example but I do want to reply because I have noticed on MN that's it's quite frequent for the woman (or stay at home partner) to pay for food and the man (or partner who earns more) to pay the other bills.

I get that it's more practical if one partner does most of the shopping but I often think there are a lot of women who would have more money if all the bills were split proportionately. The difficulty is that food prices have risen in price quite a lot over the last few years and if you are not the one doing food shopping regularly it is so easy to get out of date on prices. In reality, food is often the biggest single expenditure each month after the mortgage/rent.

Does your partner know how much it costs to feed the three of you? He may see £1200 and think you have more left than you do.

Following on from Allosaurusmum's post calculating that your bills would be £690 if you split your household expenses proportionately, that would be fairer and should stop you feeling guilty (which you shouldn't be doing anyway). Some jobs pay better than others. Even if you worked full time, you would still have a very different income.
Why should you feel guilty? We wouldn't expect a nurse married to a City lawyer to feel guilty that she earned less.

The debt is your own business and there's no need to explain it but I would ask yourself if it came from any inequalities in the way you divide your money, eg you paid for an expensive holiday that you both went on.

The point made by others about pensions is really important. Assuming you still stay together, how would you fund your retirement? Or another period of maternity leave?

You say he is a good and fair person so if you can get over your reluctance to talk about how two people with very different incomes can live fairly together, he will understand. I do wonder if he gives out a vibe that his money is his money.

50/50 pre marriage, I’d expect to pay no less and certainly wouldn’t fund a bf/gfs costs as they worked less. We only pooled once married.