How do you split your bills...

[GAL8]

I earn £1200 working 3 days a week. I was full time, have been part time the last 18 months since DD was born. Partner earns just below £4K a month. He pays all household bills, including mortgage. I buy food which is around £600 a month & pay the car tax. I have my own outgoings of £350 a month for an old loan & credit cards, phone bill, etc. Anyway I'm left with just under £250 for myself & DD, (I buy all her clothes, toys etc) & put petrol in the car. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week. Partner pays the bill (works out at just under £200 a month)

Due to working hours, we need DD in nursery another day & a half a week. Partner is looking to me to pay half, which will work out at just under £200. Leaving me £50 a month or so. I feel guilty but I can't afford to live off £50 a month. Is it unreasonable to think he should foot the whole bill? His bills come to just under £2K a month. I do totally appreciate he's very kind in letting me just pay for food & car tax, but it's times like these I miss having a full time wage, as I'm down £500 a month but still incurring the same monthly costs. I just wondered how any one else split their bills?

Thank you @Alarae - we have very strong communication, but I suppose I've always treated my money as my own, & him the same with his.

I will talk to him.

@VodselForDinner Thanks so much.

In answer to title

All into joint account
Everything comes from there
I generally handle the finances

In case it's relevant I earn about 2x what he does.

@NiceGerbil Thank you - this is the sort of straight forward answer I was looking for.

There is a really rational and fair way to manage this . You sit down and list your collective core monthly costs. This includes child care. Let's say these amount to 2k per month. His take home pay is x4 yours. You pay 25% of core costs into a share 'bills' account ie £500, he pays 75% ie £1500. You are both paying proportionally the right amount of cash towards your shared outgoings. You both get to do as you wish with any remaining cash that doesn't go in to the 'bills' pot. If he's not up for this he is not a good partner.

[quote GAL8]@VodselForDinner It is in fact, a multi million pound asset.

Thank you for your thoughts. [/quote]
That he’s paying a mortgage on? On a salary of under £75k.

Uh-huh.

Sounds like you’re counting some chickens before they hatch. If his family are wealthy, none of that is his until he inherits it. If he does inherit it, it’ll be his and not yours.

@VodselForDinner I never said it would be mine! Jesus.

[quote GAL8]@VodselForDinner I never said it would be mine! Jesus. [/quote]
You literally said-

he has recently done a will to which I am the beneficiary in case anything happens to him

@VodselForDinner correct but not for the whole estate. 2 properties within the estate.

Good night 😘

Only read your posts OP!

My thoughts.

I was fiercely independent too. Lived by myself for a decade. Loved it.
When children arrive all bets are off. That changes everything.
You're working 3 days a week because of childcare I assume? Because it fits with the family. That is work. And it's got value.
You are not taking anything from him. You are a team. You pull together to do the best for the family unit.
If you were working FT and he was 3 days a week and the wages were reversed, would you think it was fair for him to have very little disposable income? I doubt it.

I know a lot of couples do your current way but it's frankly very unfair.

Two ways I have seen.

1. Chuck it all into one pot, we discuss larger spends etc. Doesn't work for everyone.

1. Put it all into one pot (childcare hols etc come out of that too) and have separate accounts for yourselves with the same going in each month depending on what's left over.

In the end for me. When kids you're a team. You pull together.

If he lost his job or was told to go 2 days. You wouldn't start a tab on the bills he usually covered would you.

IMO fairness and equal access to the disposable money is the only way to do it.

[quote GAL8]@DGFB Yes I agree. He's already paying most of the bills.. that's where I feel guilty as I essentially live rent free. [/quote]
You’re not living rent free, you need to put a value on the child care that means you’re not working full time, and so does your DP.

Does he understand the financial saving you working part time is creating?

I’m guessing not by your responses so you need to have a much more open and honest discussion with him about the split of your finances, you’re not getting a fair deal here at all.

None so blind indeed.

@VodselForDinner ❤️

@LawnFever @NiceGerbil . I agree we need a chat. Thank you both so much for your comments, they've definitely made me think of it differently. Thanks for being kind also.

We’ve always paid everything into a joint account.

[quote GAL8]@Graphista Nonsense? It's not nonsense. A child is certainly more commitment than a marriage. You're linked for life. Marriage, not necessarily so.

I'm not sure if you missed the bit where I said to another PP that he has recently done a will, I'm the beneficiary of all his estate, etc.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time.[/quote]
Nonsense? And yet you say yourself…

of course you can never say never, my own Dad left my mum with 3 kids & just walked one day, so I'm not naive.

So forgive me if I say you do sound naive, he’s paying the mortgage on a house in his name protecting his assets while you work only part time providing free child care for your joint child.

If you split tomorrow you’d be left with nothing, you’re worried he won’t even contribute proportionately to joint bills like child care, what makes you think he’d look after you financially if anything else happens?

[quote GAL8]**@LawnFever* @NiceGerbil* . I agree we need a chat. Thank you both so much for your comments, they've definitely made me think of it differently. Thanks for being kind also.[/quote]
I don’t think anyone is trying to be unkind, they’re just being honest and would hate for you to be left in a difficult position financially in the long term which could be avoided.

@LawnFever This post isn't about if we split. I just wanted to know how other couples conducted their finances. If we split, I'd be left with nothing, absolutely. I'm not naive, I know that, I don't think it'll happen but I could be wrong. He would have no duty to support me financially. I know he will always look after DD & that's what matters. At the eve of the day, you just cope with whatever situation you find yourself in don't you.

When I went on maternity leave and then part time all our money was pooled, our bills mortgage etc all paid, we had equal spending money each and what was left was our savings. Because we were a family and partners and equal in all things.

I would never have gone part time, downgraded my career etc or in fact even had a child without the security of marriage. Even then when I got divorced it still impacted me much more than him financially, but at least everything was owned equally so even if my career wasn't what it could have been, I had a home and pension. Children get much more expensive as they get older and you want to be able to do nice things with them so I am glad I am not struggling.

You seem to be offering all the benefits of marriage to this man without getting any of the benefits yourself. Free rent is a meaningless benefit when you are earning 20% less to provide all the childcare and housework and your job or career is at a standstill working part time. If you left him on your PT salary you would get about £600 in child support, about £600 in universal credit and 80% of your childcare subsidised. Honestly all this support you think he is giving you, its really not that much. And you are very much underestimating what you are giving up - career progression, pension, home security.... I wouldn't want to be in your shoes...

Thank you @Ohsugarhoneyicetea - I think there's worse shoes to be in but thank you.

DH and I pool our money, but we have discussed that if we ever felt the need to separate our finances, the goal would be equal amounts of fun money and equal contributions to pension and savings. The separation would be purely so that the fun money category was completely separate. It would also never include any spending on children. That always comes out of joint funds even if it’s an outing planned by one parent because inevitably more of those things be up hosted by one parent than the other.

Yes nonsense because there is nothing to make him stay in contact and be a decent parent if you split in law and even the cm regs are pretty worthless.

As I said, MANY men (inc your own father) walk away from their dc without a backwards glance!

Wills can be changed at the drop of a hat - you have zero control over his estate if he dies. Zilch!

He pays the mortgage
Presumably his house? Suits him to pay it himself as then no chance of you having a claim on your and your dds home. He literally (to use your own words) could put you out on the street with no notice, you have no more rights than a lodger, less probably.

& all household bills.

As for mortgage - it's in his interest to do so in order that you have no claim

I can't ask him for anything further if he does pay that.

Why on Earth not?

Seriously, sit and write down everything he pays and EVERYTHING you pay AND account for the childcare you provide as he is a working parent and has 50% responsibility there.

It's my pride & embarrassment that stops me asking for help, not that I ask him for it & he rejects me.

If he were a truly decent man, partner and FATHER you wouldn't HAVE to ask!

Others seem to be going off track & just reek of their own bad experiences for which they seem very bitter

See how YOU feel when he leaves you and your child homeless and penniless when he goes off with someone else!

I don't think we're bitter I think we're experienced!

I was 33 and married 10 years together 13 when my ex and I split. I'm now 49 and that experience PLUS reading and hearing of others experiences means I think I have a better handle on this than you seem to

It's no skin off my nose if you continue to allow him to mug you off. You asked for experiences - that's what you got!

I always forget the tax implications too as that's not something that will affect me. Sounds like it will you though. And that's if you stay together until he passes and does everything he's "supposed" to - other than marrying you of course and ENSURING you and your joint child will be ok no matter what.

he sounds selfish and financially abusive.

I agree

Eg your debt - from the sounds of things he could easily and comfortably pay that off and AT LEAST save you the interest...

It is in fact, a multi million pound asset.

To which you have NO GUARANTEED ACCESS

and are just coming across as childish and petulant
Yep

It's NOT just if you split. If he dies I reckon you'd have a fight on your hands with his very wealthy family over his assets which they would likely consider "family assets"

I know he will always look after DD & that's what matters.

But you don't know. Any more than I did, or your mum or the MILLIONS of other single mums dealing with deadbeat dads

At the eve of the day, you just cope with whatever situation you find yourself in don't you.

No - you hope for the best BUT prepare as much as you can for the worst, and far as I can tell you're not doing that because you're blinkered and refusing to listen to almost the whole thread saying you are very vulnerable and he is not a fair man.

No probs OP if he's a reasonable chap then it makes sense so he should just say fine.

Remember
Now you have s kid you're a family unit. A team.
You work 3 days because you have s child together. That is work and it has value. It's not just about cash. The childcare money. Is to allow BOTH of you to work. Not just you. Children are the responsibility of both of you.
As a team the old way of keeping 'own money' doesn't make sense. You're in it together. It's family money.
Having v different levels of disposable income will be noticed by your child as well and what message does that send? (If your DH is interested in that sort of thing).

I hope it goes well!

I do know some couples IRL where their pre children arrangements carry over and I just in the ones I know I think it's awful.

Some are married some not.
Only cash income is counted as it were.
The women as so often is usual drop hours to do childcare etc. Usually because the man earns more and they both think it's good to have a parent around in the week at least sometimes.
That work and the money saved is not counted.
The man carries on as before with little to no interference to his job.
The man ends up accruing savings or spending big, while the woman is living on a tight budget.

I can't understand how a man with a partner and child he's supposed to love can do that. Loads do though.

@GAL8

Thank you *@Ohsugarhoneyicetea* - I think there's worse shoes to be in but thank you.

You are right. But you are undervaluing yourself and your contribution. I think you have had some harsh responses because so many of us older women have paid a huge price for this ourselves, and don't want any more young women to fall into the same traps.

@Reallybadidea

He would never see me out on the street. Easy to say, but when you know, you know.

He's happy to see you with just £50 a month to spend, yet you're confident that he'll see you're OK financially if you split up? Not sure how that follows.

This x 1000.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper-you sound very naive.

Partner is looking to me to pay half, which will work out at just under £200. Leaving me £50 a month or so

Your boyfriend sounds like he would leave you high and dry if you split up.