How do you split your bills...

[GAL8]

I earn £1200 working 3 days a week. I was full time, have been part time the last 18 months since DD was born. Partner earns just below £4K a month. He pays all household bills, including mortgage. I buy food which is around £600 a month & pay the car tax. I have my own outgoings of £350 a month for an old loan & credit cards, phone bill, etc. Anyway I'm left with just under £250 for myself & DD, (I buy all her clothes, toys etc) & put petrol in the car. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week. Partner pays the bill (works out at just under £200 a month)

Due to working hours, we need DD in nursery another day & a half a week. Partner is looking to me to pay half, which will work out at just under £200. Leaving me £50 a month or so. I feel guilty but I can't afford to live off £50 a month. Is it unreasonable to think he should foot the whole bill? His bills come to just under £2K a month. I do totally appreciate he's very kind in letting me just pay for food & car tax, but it's times like these I miss having a full time wage, as I'm down £500 a month but still incurring the same monthly costs. I just wondered how any one else split their bills?

You need him to put more money, as you don’t have it, sorted.
So you refuse marriage ok, get a good will, from him, and treat you as if you were his wife, in the meantime get an arrangement set up if you split up

@0DETTE I wouldn't normally rise to comments such as yours but that's vile. It his decision to end the relationship, yes, & even though she worked full time he felt guilty & wanted to help her out, but that's still not good enough, deluded? I'm not even sure how that works with that situation. When my own Dad left my Mother with 3 kids, he tried to take AWAY our home. He didn't try to help. But yet as I said in my previous comment, someone will always pick holes in something good!

He's also the 'kind of father' who dotes on his child, & looked after her when she was in ICU for 18 days after she suffered a stroke at birth when I was unable to cope. Who looked after her when I suffered a break down from PTSD. I'm all for people putting constructive comments but just remember there is a person in this you are talking about.

@Nsky he has recently done a will to which I am the beneficiary in case anything happens to him.

I think you need to discuss this with him. Does he know how you feel and can you agree a new fairer way of doing things?
I used to earn less than DH so I used to pay the smaller bills like water, council tax etc while he paid the bigger ones like the mortgage. Times have changed and we earn about the same but still pay the same bills. I’m the one that is putting money in savings or pays for holidays etc.
The savings are for both our benefit so it does feel fair.

Hi @Dailywalk thank you. I'll have a chat with him I think. If he does agree to pay all child care, totally £400 a month that I suppose is as much to ask from him as I feel comfortable with seeing as he pays mostly all household bills.

I would go back to working full time and then split the childcare costs more evenly. But maybe you don't want to work more than part time? (No blame there, I chose not to work full time hours)

I don't think it sounds like he's a bad man, but it does sound like he is in a very strong financial position, and if that was a woman on mumsnet everyone would be shouting at her not to get married.

You need to be really careful. Make sure your pension is looking good. Pay extra in if you can. I’d be inclined to get back to full time work.

You could be really stuffed further down the line if you continue as you are.

You're so right @suggestionsplease1
I have thought about going back 4 days a week, as long as DD settles ok in the new setting in Sept. I'd like a day off to spend with her in the week still.

The child is more of a commitment than a marriage will ever be.

Nope! Who taught you that nonsense?

Men in this country walk right away from their dc all the time without a backwards glance.

Are you aware how vulnerable you are only working part time and not being married?

It's not just if you split its if he becomes incapacitated or dies too.

The current situation you have is unfair and untenable

You are a family, dd is BOTH of yours. When you write it down in black and white does he really pay at least half of all your families costs INCLUDING dds costs? "Toys etc" are not free/cheap, child care certainly isn't!

If he won't marry you or you won't marry him (which I personally think is foolish in your situation) then you need to seriously consider returning to full time work.

I'm divorced but ex and I did same as many here - one pot, bills etc covered this included dds costs, what was left over half was saved (when WE could afford to) the other half split between us as personal expenditure "pocket money"

Sometimes I earned more, sometimes he did, sometimes I wasn't earning at all as I was a trailing spouse and it takes time to find a new job (and gets harder the more new jobs you've had!). He would never have left me short and I wouldn't have left him short.

& to be honest he's a good man. He would never see me out on the street

Famous last words op! Do you really think the MANY of us that this DID happen to thought it would?! There's a touch of arrogance mixed with naivety there.

Not only did I not think ex would be an arse when we split none of his family and friends thought so either, they were shocked at just how awful he was!

If we'd not been married the money he took out the joint account days after we split leaving me with a toddler and NO MONEY to feed us I would never have seen again!

and no have to pay you a penny over CMS rates for your daughter. even cms is no guarantee they're pretty crap actually

my own Dad left my mum with 3 kids & just walked one day, so I'm not naive.

Yet the exact same could happen to you

My cautionary tale I share on such matters :

Relative partnered but not married, 2 dc, sahm, partner died very suddenly. House in his name, no will (under 35). Partners family took (albeit legally) all the assets including the family home. Relative had to find a new home, go back to work full time, arrange childcare etc all while grieving and dealing with grieving children.

Else we'll see you back here in 5 years with the "he left and I'm in poverty and he doesn't even pay CM" thread.

Highly likely I think

You're not just ignoring general good advice but the evidence of his actions NOW while you're in his good graces. Once you're out of favour it'll be a whole other ball game!

Marriage is a legal contract it's only fairly recently that love even came into it!

Are you on the best deal for your debt? Have you had debt advice?

Without marriage wills, trusts etc can be changed without your knowledge or agreement. You have zero claim on him financially. With wills his blood relatives could challenge it which even if you were successful could be very expensive

He would never have left me short and I wouldn't have left him short.

While we were married

I’m not married but I have got the financial set up listed above to protect myself. Joint property, work FT, savings.
You are 24 so there is time to work these things out. But for how you should absolutely be pooling money and having the same spare to spend each month. It’s only fair

@Graphista Nonsense? It's not nonsense. A child is certainly more commitment than a marriage. You're linked for life. Marriage, not necessarily so.

I'm not sure if you missed the bit where I said to another PP that he has recently done a will, I'm the beneficiary of all his estate, etc.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time.

Despite the fact he earns a great deal more than me I pick up the bill when I can if we eat out or go out for the day, just because I like to think I'm 'doing my bit'. I also think she's OUR daughter so I should be paying half but it's pretty impossible right now.

The way you deal with finances is absolutely crazy. You are earning less because you only work part-time, looking after his daughter, yet you feel you need to contribute equally. You can't, and neither of you should expect that.

I do totally appreciate he's very kind in letting me just pay for food & car tax, but it's times like these I miss having a full time wage

Seriously, you think he's very kind? . He has 2k a month after bills and you have 250? Much of which goes on his daughter? Not what I'd call kind.

@DuesToTheDirt He pays the mortgage, & all household bills. Car insurance too. He currently pays our childcare bill (£200 a month) if he does pay this new bill, that'll be £400 a month. I can't ask him for anything further if he does pay that.

It's my pride & embarrassment that stops me asking for help, not that I ask him for it & he rejects me.

[quote GAL8]@Nsky he has recently done a will to which I am the beneficiary in case anything happens to him.[/quote]
Are you aware that he can change this will at any time without notifying you, let along consulting you?

Do you know about the tax implications of inheriting from someone to whom you are a stranger in the eyes of the law?

Someone on here once said something very wise-
having a child is a commitment to the child, having a marriage is a commitment to the mother.

He pays the mortgage, & all household bills. Car insurance too. He currently pays our childcare bill (£200 a month) if he does pay this new bill, that'll be £400 a month. I can't ask him for anything further if he does pay that.

Of course you can. Though you shouldn't need to ask him. Don't judge by what he pays for, judge by what he's left with and what you're left with, i.e. next to nothing.

@DuesToTheDirt True. I just try to be as independent as I can. I always have been & I don't want him to see me as a financial burden, that's probably me overthinking it.

There's a reason you came here to ask, you're being incredibly naive. Maybe try to be less defensive and actually listen to the very wise advice given to you by many many posters.

I hope it works out for you.

@Scende In some people's eyes, I suppose I am naive. I appreciate everyone's comments & some of them raise some very good points. Others seem to be going off track & just reek of their own bad experiences for which they seem very bitter. Thanks though!

Why would you need to ask your partner to cover the childcare bill for your joint child I can't imagine having a relationship where I'd have to ask this (regardless of who earns more/less - you're a partnership with a child, those kind of decisions should be joint). The money we earn goes into one joint account and we budget every month to make sure every pound is allocated out - it doesn't matter to us who earns more. The person earning less (me at the moment because I'm working reduced hours, but up until recently I worked more and earned more) contributes in non-financial ways that are equally as important (mainly childcare). We also make sure that our savings are equal (for example, person working reduced hours doesn't take the hit through reduced pension contributions). Have you had a discussion with your boyfriend about medium to long term financial goals?

I just read your post about your daughter’s health. I hope she’s doing better now.

If, heavens forbid, your boyfriend was hit by a bus tomorrow and had done everything he could to look after you (leaves his entire estate to you, though assuming he’s around your own age, that’s probably not a multi-million pound asset), you need to know how much it would cost you to remain in his house.

I’m not in the UK so sketchy on the inheritance tax bands, but I would strongly encourage you to do your sums. A quick Google shows that, after the first £3k, the estate would end up paying 40% tax.

So, for a house valued at £500k, it would be reduced by almost £200k. That money would need to be liquid in order for the tax bill to be paid. Unless you have that kind of cash having around, the house would likely be sold.

That would not benefit your child.

You say that his family has property in trust for her. Again, it’s tenuous and there’s no guarantee that it will be there when she needs it.

If you and your boyfriend did split and he ended up married to someone else and have more children, you might find that his family is suddenly less generous towards your child.

Anyway, I feel like I’m wasting my thumbs and battery here. You won’t listen. You’re being extremely foolish and naive, but I hope you do reflect on this and protect yourself and your daughter. You’re in a very vulnerable position and, looking from the outside in, I disagree that your boyfriend is a “good man”, he sounds selfish and financially abusive.

@paisleydot I'm not able to put much in to the pot each month, & I certainly because of this don't feel I can just take a large chunk of his salary out.
To be honest I expect he will end up paying the childcare bill, for which I feel incredibly guilty I cannot contribute towards to.

You need to sit down, swallow your pride and have a sit down with this man you call lovely. If he helps in the way you've described, he wouldn't want to see you stressed to the eyeballs trying to stretch the measly amount you have leftover.

Unfortunately, due to your other bills doing proportionate amounts to cover joint bills wouldn't work as you would only be marginally better off (£100).

You need to lay it all out. All bills, food, an additional allowance for spends on your DD, everything. Work out what would be reasonable for you both to pay without leaving you destitute. You are working part time to look after your daughter and shouldn't be penalised for that.

You don't have to have a piece of paper legally linking you if you have good communication and don't bottle things up. Let him know your worries. Let him help.

@VodselForDinner It is in fact, a multi million pound asset.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Others seem to be going off track & just reek of their own bad experiences for which they seem very bitter

If you were my friend, I’d want to give you a shake for that comment.

Don’t dismiss the experiences of others as bitterness. You’re doing yourself no favours and are just coming across as childish and petulant.

In my case, I’m very happily married, and have been for a long time. We married young without a pot to piss in but shared everything from day one. We’re now lucky to be high earners and have a lot of jointly-owned assets, savings, and investments. Everything is transparent, we have strong plans in place for retirement.

I feel it’s hugely unlikely that we’ll ever split up, but if we did we’re both protected. If I dropped dead tomorrow, he wouldn’t have to deal with inheritance tax and other potential legal issues on top of his grief.

I loved him enough to marry him and protect him, and he did the same for me.