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Original poster

Does it seem fair to you- money

76 replies

Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 09:41

Hi just wondered what others thought about this. DH thinks it is unfair the way our money is divided, I think it is OK.

We have separate accounts, I have long term health conditions and get PIP and cont based ESA. In total about £800 a month along with child benefit of £140 (two DC)

The mortgage is paid off and the main bills and council tax are around £500 a month. He pays this.

I pay for food shopping and any health / dental plans, DC school lunches etc from my account - around £500 a month at least.

He earns quite a bit more than me, however he rents a premises for his self employment which is about £500 a month.

Anyway this weekend he has been complaining I don't contribute enough.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/03/2021 09:50

Depends how much he earns and more importantly how much he has left over

Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 09:57

About 40K a year. Writing it down makes me realise actually. He does tend to pay more towards holidays. My benefits are non means tested btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 09:58

After tax and paying for the premises, yes he would have more than me left over.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 23/03/2021 10:00

What is he wanting you to contribute towards?
How much do you get annually compared to his £40k?

titchy · 23/03/2021 10:00

@Namechangesensitivemoney

After tax and paying for the premises, yes he would have more than me left over.
The it's unfair on you. You are both equals and should have the same 'spare' money each month.
HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 10:03

So you and he pay around £500 per month and yet he thinks you should pay more?

EatTheCakeBarry · 23/03/2021 10:03

You should both be left with the same amount of money per month. What you choose to spend that on then should be up to you as individuals.

But make sure that all stuff for the DCs are paid for jointly, same with saving toward holidays etc. After all those things, then you should be left with the same amount.

Firststariseetonight · 23/03/2021 10:03

Rent is a business expense and not part of joint finances so is irrelevant. It sounds like the rest is split 50:50 despite him having much higher income than you. That isn't fair no, he should be paying more.

dancemom · 23/03/2021 10:15

Rent is a business expense. Does he earn £40K after this expense is deducted?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/03/2021 10:22

So you have £400 max and he has c. &1k- what’s the holiday cost? Also are you sure the bills total £500?

blue25 · 23/03/2021 10:31

Is he starting to feel resentful? It can be hard living with someone who can’t work and contribute their own money to the family pot.

Sorry I don’t mean that to sound harsh. I understand you have health conditions but I’ve been in a relationship like that and it can be difficult when you see there’s no possibility of promotions or pay rises from your partner and everything relies on you working.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/03/2021 11:12

How are housework and childcare split? If you're doing a lot of this, it should be recognised as a contribution to the household.

Although if your health conditions prevent you from housework/childcare, this should be accounted for.

Agree that you should have the same amount of personal spending money, although if you need taxis, for example due to health issues, this is a household not a personal discretionary cost.

NekoShiro · 23/03/2021 11:13

Honestly to me this isn't fair, the fact that you're on PIP means you most likely can't work in a 'normal' capacity. I'd like to believe he is under pressure due to the pandemic and lashing out but I don't know your life. Can you remind him how you contribute in other ways? Housework, childcare, taking care of household finances?

Viviennemary · 23/03/2021 11:17

I agree with blue25's post. I'd feel resentful too if I could see no prospect of anything changing.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 23/03/2021 12:22

Sounds like you are already contributing more to the family expenses than he does, on a much reduced income.

What exactly is he after?
You having absolutely no disposable income?
Why is that?

Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 16:31

@Firststariseetonight

Rent is a business expense and not part of joint finances so is irrelevant. It sounds like the rest is split 50:50 despite him having much higher income than you. That isn't fair no, he should be paying more.
Yes that is what I said
OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 23/03/2021 16:34

Then counter offer

I’ve realized you have x for personal spends and I have Y. To make it fair as you suggested you need to contribute Z towards the shopping.

That’s great

Bagelsandbrie · 23/03/2021 16:37

We have very similar finances to you down to the PIP etc and the way we do it is pool all our income and give ourselves a same, set amount of spending money. It’s not for everyone but we’ve been married 10 plus years and it works for us! We see ourselves as a team and both contribute in different ways so even though technically dh puts more in he’s happy to do this (we have two dc, one has special needs and I have chronic disabilities).

Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 16:42

@BluebellsGreenbells

Then counter offer

I’ve realized you have x for personal spends and I have Y. To make it fair as you suggested you need to contribute Z towards the shopping.

That’s great

Good plan.
OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 16:44

@Bagelsandbrie

We have very similar finances to you down to the PIP etc and the way we do it is pool all our income and give ourselves a same, set amount of spending money. It’s not for everyone but we’ve been married 10 plus years and it works for us! We see ourselves as a team and both contribute in different ways so even though technically dh puts more in he’s happy to do this (we have two dc, one has special needs and I have chronic disabilities).
That's nice to hear Flowers
OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 16:45

@blue25

Is he starting to feel resentful? It can be hard living with someone who can’t work and contribute their own money to the family pot.

Sorry I don’t mean that to sound harsh. I understand you have health conditions but I’ve been in a relationship like that and it can be difficult when you see there’s no possibility of promotions or pay rises from your partner and everything relies on you working.

I am contributing also We have no mortgage to contribute to...
OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangesensitivemoney · 23/03/2021 16:46

Although I appreciate what you mean blue25 and think this is the way he feels sometimes. However having low outgoings means it is easier in some ways

OP posts:
ShakeaHettyFeather · 23/03/2021 17:15

Either you're a team and both of you contribute what you can and each deserve similar amounts of fun, or he doesn't think of you as his equal, life partner, etc.

Hopefully it was just an expression of frustration and when he thinks, he'll realise what is fair.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/03/2021 17:30

How did you pay off the mortgage? Or did one of you inherit? Just curious as to who paid for your home.

You absolutely both should have the same amount of personal spending money each month.

mrsm43s · 23/03/2021 17:33

Who pays for car/petrol, holidays, meals out, clothes, mobile phones, house repairs, school trips, music lessons, Christmas and birthday budget, new washing machine, new carpets, boiler repairs, long terms savings, pensions, kids activities, days out, pets/vet bills, life insurance, school transport etc? Do you always expect him to pay for everything bar food/dental plan?

On the face of it, you personally actually have quite a large amount of disposable income (£400+ per month) plus very few responsibilities. It may not be about the actual amount of money per se, but about the fact that he has to always be responsible for finding the money for everything. To him it might seem like his money is "family money" to be spent on everything needed for the family, and your money is mostly your own pocket money for you to spend without having to worry. It might make it easier to arrange money differently. All money into one joint account, and then say £200 a month each into your own "personal spends" accounts. Everything else sent by DD to bills account/savings account/tax account/groceries account etc so its easier to see that the majority of money is "family money" and you have equal "spends". You can then both take equal responsibility for budgeting and dealing with savings/large bills and repairs. No-one then gets stressed if the washing machine packs in etc as there is joint money saved to deal with it.

I wouldn't expect a family with one person on £40k and one on disability benefits to be able to afford for any one person to have £400 per month as personal spends, although I guess being mortgage free may make that more possible.

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