WWYD? She got money I didn't

[diamondchocolatestick]

My sister is two years older than me and two years ago she brought a flat with her husband. Her husband put down half the deposit and my parents gifted my sister the other half (£15k). My parents always said they would do the same for all of us, I have one other younger sibling.

My sister has been terrible with money over her teens and 20s but since buying has become very sensible. While at uni she would go into overdraft despite having plenty of income from her student loan and topped up by her parents. She would go on holidays, to concerts, buy lots of clothes, expensive nights out etc. I would really want to do these things but was saving up for a deposit. She had a great uni life and travelled to India, Canada, and Australia. I believe my parents ended up helping her out a lot financially when she couldn't get a grad job for a year and had no money.

I am mid 20s and am very sensible with money. I have worked hard and saved and I have £25k for a deposit for a house. I haven't been on holidays, I have been very careful with clothes, nights out etc. I do not have a partner.

My parents are well off but its hard to gage their exact financial position. I approached them to chat about getting a deposit for a house.

It turns out I very wrongly assumed that they would be helping me out. When I explained my situation, they decided I didn't need their help as I had my own deposit of £25k. But I was hoping to use some of this money to do up the place I get etc. I haven't responded back to my mum yet as this conversation was yesterday. But she told me if I didn't have the money she would give it, but since I do she won't.

I feel a bit cheated and that I am missing out for being the sensible one. I haven't raised how I feel yet because I wanted to see whether I was being entitled and if it was her money to do as she pleases or whether this would annoy you too?

I feel if I don't do anything I will feel a lot of resentment towards my sister and parents. I am already regretting saving so hard, because what was the point? I know I have been really fortunate but its the feeling of unequalness that has really frustrated me.

WWYD?

Oh my goodness, I would also feel upset by this situation. I agree that it seems you are being penalised for having been sensible. I mean, of course it’s her money to do as she pleases, but she should treat you all fairly. I would try and explain your point of view in a very calm and considered way and ask if she can see this from your perspective. Go from there.

What I would say is try not to resent your sister as she has not made this decision.

I'd accept their decision.
But it is hurtful and I'd tell them so. It isn't actually about the money. It's about how it makes you feel when your parents seem to favour one sibling over the others and maddening when irresponsibility is rewarded.

But at the end of the day, it's their money and their choice.

I would be remembering it when the time came that they needed my help though, they'd be told that they should rely on the favourite!

I think it's OK to neutrally tell them how you feel. It is unfair, but it is their choice. Something like 'Thank you for talking money with me the other night. Always uncomfortable! I understand that you don't think I need your support. I do though! I'm doing this on my own, not with a partner. I was expecting that you would do what you said you would and contribute to my deposit as you did for sis, and I am deflated to find out this is not the case, as though I am worth less or less deserving somehow. I know this is going to rankle with me and I don't know what to do about it except tell you how I feel. I will get past it but its a huge blow and I can't pretend I am OK with it.' but phrase it better than me so there's room for them to rethink.

I'd be upset too. Yes, their money their choice- but their choice is to be unfair and unkind and to leave you feeling hurt and less cared for.

I think it’s reasonable to calmly tell your parents that you feel it’s unfair that your sister got the money and that you feel penalised for being sensible .

Me and DH bought our first house with no help from anyone. We found out later that SIL was given her deposit . It was supposed to be a secret but BIL blurted it out while drunk
SIL is intelligent but very lazy and totally lacking in ambition and had a very low paid and undemanding job after Uni. We both worked hard and saved for our deposit so I do feel we have been penalised. When they decided to move MIL virtually gifted them a house.
However, it’s always been the same - we had very little childcare help or help of any kind because according to MIL “we are very capable”
Let’s just hope SIL is “very capable” of looking after mil when she gets older

Yes, I would calmly say what you have said here. Get it out in the open otherwise the resentment will eat away at you if you try to hold it in.

Tell your parents. Set out what you want to say and say it by email if you don't feel like having a conversation about it.

YANBU to feel upset, but when you say you feel you have to do something, what exactly is that 'something?'. You can't exactly demand money from them, can you?
Whilst it is crap that you are essentially being punished for being careful, you are in the very privileged position of saving £25k whilst in mid 20s, that is virtually unheard of. You must be a very high earner to have saved that over a few years, no one saves that amount by simply not having nights out and not buying clothes. Maybe this is why your dp's feel you don't need the money?

You need ti tell them.how you feel. It i a shit that her irresponsibly has been rewarded.
Are you sure your parents can afford to give you the same as your sister though?

Yes, I agree with other posters. It's their decision but it would be a good idea to calmly explain what you've said in your OP so they understand your point of view.

You're right to feel cheated, but you have built your own financial future independently and you should feel very proud of that.

Dh and I saved for our house deposit and wedding. We were persuaded to get a 3 bed semi-d rather than 2 bed "mid terrace" (8 houses formed a block, 4 along front and 4 along the back - so you only actually had windows on the front of the house as the corner ones were already gone). A DAunt/DUncle and DPILs both loaned us extra to cover larger booking deposit - we had paid back DA/DU before we actually completed on house, and DPILs just after the wedding 6 months later. And paid most of the wedding ourselves (DPs announced a week before that they were covering hotel so meal etc but we had budgeted for that and only booked a very very cheap 1 week honeymoon to allow for that). We shared DHs car until after DD was born (8 years after I left uni and started working). DF did guarantee a bank loan for final year uni fees - a loan I paid back in my first 4 months on very low wage job and paying rent etc as well.

The rest of my DSiblings had loans from "Bank of Dad" for cars, deposits for rents, etc as needed. Physical cash. Some repaid over time, some written off. Never any interest charged.

DF is convinced he paid deposit on our house - and won't be told otherwise. But we've never actually had any money. And although he offered to pay school fees for dd (and all DGCs), DM has made it VERY clear that we should not take that up as our circumstances are so good.

Our circs are stable and we have good jobs but we have worked very hard and saved very hard for what we have so that shouldn't be a reason to treat us differently to the rest - we don't need loans, but chose DD's school in part based on no need to worry about fees and only looking at what would best suit DDs needs - so we are scrimping to afford it but can't ask for a contribution without seeming churlish towards the you fees who have already got so much

thank you everyone. I am not sure if £25k is enough for a deposit. Its all the money I have so I would want to hold £5k back for moving costs, others fees, emergency fund if the boiler breaks etc. So it would be £20k and the cheapest flats where I live in this city are £140k This just means a few more years of saving saving saving

I would 100% raise this but you need to make sure you do it in a very measured way so you don’t sound entitled or whiny. “I understood when you helped sister out that you would do the same for all of us. I’ve been really careful with money to save this extra deposit, not going on holidays/clothes/etc for years. I feel like I am being punished for being prudent with money. This will also send youngest sibling the message that if they’re not careful with money they’ll be rewarded. I acknowledge this is completely your decision but I’d like you to reconsider in light of the above”

My only thought is is there something you aren’t sharing here, such as the fact you’re in a well paid high flying career (eg lawyer, financial services in London) with an expectation of earning a silly amount within a few years and your sister is a nurse or on minimum wage or something and will never earn anywhere near what you do? I’m in a situation where I earn multiples of what my sister will ever earn and wouldn’t be too resentful if my parents helped her and not me; but I’m the oldest so no precedent has been set.

@notalwaysalondoner no I have a starting grad job salary in an industry where my boss is probably only on £40k. I have just saved and saved. I have been on minimum wage for the last four years. I have just lived in horrible cheap accommodation.

My parents also paid for my sisters wedding £10k on the premis that she can't afford it, so I feel this rational will run for a long time and applied to other situations.

My younger sibling is also the baby of the family and has already received alot more financially than my sister or I just in small amounts here and there. He invests alot and shouts out about how much he has made with bitcoin (very impressive numbers) and it's looking like my parents are getting him a car because he has asked for one. They gave my sister a car but she really needed one to get to work. I didn't get a car but I didn't need one I just wanted one.

My sister has had a hard time in life with health and being very unwell. I think my parents overcompensate for that with financial input.

OP there is no way you could save £25k on a NMW job in several years simply by living in inexpensive housing

Send your a link to a 25 k car which you have ordered today..
And thank her for the deposit she promised...

@breatheslowandtrust for the last year I have been on £24k - a grad job starting salary. I have been able to bring my monthly outgoings to £800. I have saved over £10k in the last year. And I have been full time on a minimum wage salary for four years before that but I also had savings from my teens where I worked and saved up £2-3k each summer. It is totally doable but enormous sacrifices.

@Santaiscovidfree I thought about booking myself a £25k round the world trip

I think your parents a being unfair as a mum i will treat all my children the same. we have helped them all out at various times with small amounts as and when needed. Also gave them all £5000 each when my mother died from the inheritance. You should write to them and tell them how you feel.

Your parents can do with their money as they wish. But it is absolutely unfair that you are being ‘punished’ for knuckling down and saving - when you were told you would all get the helping hand.

It seems desperately unfair to me.

This really does seem that you are being treated differently to the others.

I do thinking you should say something to them, but plan it calmly, and work out what you want to achieve, do you want them to give you something, or do you want to just let them know so you don’t keep letting it fester.

I never understand why parents do this, we are paying ds driving lessons( when allowed ) as no part time jobs about for him to contribute , he has paid some from bday/ xmas money.
Ds2 started a little job before lockdown though a mate and if goes back by time he can drive in a year he will have some money put aside. But we have already said we will pay for same amount of lessons / tests regardless as only fair .
I would speak to them say how you feel that you have sacrificed to get that amount and it doesn't seem right , you understand its there decision and money but you feel hurt all the same.
Going forward don't tell them
What money you do or don't have .

I don’t have particularly useful advice but just wanted to add that I also think your parents are being unfair and I would be upset in your position.

I would also tell them how you feel and how hurt you are by it, but then accept it as their decision and don’t let it impact your relationship with your parents or sister.