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Original poster

WWYD? She got money I didn't

89 replies

diamondchocolatestick · 29/01/2021 10:26

My sister is two years older than me and two years ago she brought a flat with her husband. Her husband put down half the deposit and my parents gifted my sister the other half (£15k). My parents always said they would do the same for all of us, I have one other younger sibling.

My sister has been terrible with money over her teens and 20s but since buying has become very sensible. While at uni she would go into overdraft despite having plenty of income from her student loan and topped up by her parents. She would go on holidays, to concerts, buy lots of clothes, expensive nights out etc. I would really want to do these things but was saving up for a deposit. She had a great uni life and travelled to India, Canada, and Australia. I believe my parents ended up helping her out a lot financially when she couldn't get a grad job for a year and had no money.

I am mid 20s and am very sensible with money. I have worked hard and saved and I have £25k for a deposit for a house. I haven't been on holidays, I have been very careful with clothes, nights out etc. I do not have a partner.

My parents are well off but its hard to gage their exact financial position. I approached them to chat about getting a deposit for a house.

It turns out I very wrongly assumed that they would be helping me out. When I explained my situation, they decided I didn't need their help as I had my own deposit of £25k. But I was hoping to use some of this money to do up the place I get etc. I haven't responded back to my mum yet as this conversation was yesterday. But she told me if I didn't have the money she would give it, but since I do she won't.

I feel a bit cheated and that I am missing out for being the sensible one. I haven't raised how I feel yet because I wanted to see whether I was being entitled and if it was her money to do as she pleases or whether this would annoy you too?

I feel if I don't do anything I will feel a lot of resentment towards my sister and parents. I am already regretting saving so hard, because what was the point? I know I have been really fortunate but its the feeling of unequalness that has really frustrated me.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 29/01/2021 15:05

On the plus side now you know who The Golden Child is you have a great excuse for not wiping dm's bum in the future.

Incrediblytired · 29/01/2021 15:08

I think you should show your parents your post. It’s very balanced.

Nopreservatives · 29/01/2021 15:12

I'd be upset too. My sister had some money from my parents so that she could put in an equal deposit to her bf (also helped by parents). She'd asked to borrow it initially and dad refused, knowing what a problem lending money to family can be. In the end he relented and gave the money to her, but he gave the same sum to me, even though at the time I had no particular use for it.

Sophiesdog2020 · 29/01/2021 22:01

Similar happened to me (it’s very common!) - house deposit given to DB (very much golden child) who has never worked, not mentioned to me and when I found out by accident, was told “but you never asked, you work etc”. Yes I work hard and so does DH, and we have always been careful with money, but I would never treat my own DC differently.

I went NC for a while, but DM was then diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I knew I had to do what felt right for me in her last year, ie helping look after her.

She did give me some money before she died, but it felt tainted by then, and I passed most on to my young adult DC.

It was never about money to me, we have more than enough - it was about the different treatment and how it felt that she loved me less. Plus the fact it was kept secret from me (but not from some cousins!) meant DM knew she was treating us very differently.

I have made my peace with it all now, 5yrs after she died, but unfortunately it tainted not only my memory of her, but those of my DC, who were old enough to understand what she had done and how it affected us (me in particular).

My relationship with DB was never that good, and we are very LC now.

I think, as others have said, you need to put your feelings down in writing to them, and point out that they are very much showing favouritism and going back on their promise.

You will find some people say their money, to do what they like with. I am guessing very few of those have been in this situation. It is hard to understand being treated so differently.

Then take a step back, and ensure that you are not the default carer in future years.

cracracatlady · 29/01/2021 23:04

Point them in the direction of their favourite child when they need their arse wiping in old age. You have your hard earned deposit and you owe them nothing. Win win

WombatChocolate · 30/01/2021 09:42

I think you should have the conversation but be very careful about the tone and direction it takes. Avoid;

anything negative about your siblings
anything which sounds entitled or whiny

You could say you were taken aback by the earlier conversation and wanted to talk about it a bit further. Try to arrange to chat with both parents and not just one. You can explain that you feel a bit penalised for being sensible and also that although you’ve saved a decent chunk it’s still not enough. Do t push the, for an answer there and then but ask them simply if they would reconsider.

One thing to think about is the fact they might not be as well off as you think. Unfortunately, but giving the money to sibling, they might have left themselves a bit short or simply not have the same amount available to give to you. That would be a real shame and would be a bit unfair, but it might be the reality. It might be that they are able to offer you something but it won’t be the same as sibling got. Again, that might feel unfair but you might have to just accept it, if more money just isn’t there.

I wonder if you caught your mum off guard when you had the conversation and she responded without thinking it all through? Perhaps you could mention that you’d like to talk about it as you were surprised by the last conversation and feel like they do t fully undertstand your situation. Then, before having the conversation give them some time to think and talk about it. Sometimes when people are not put on the spot, they react differently. It might also enable them to talk together, look at the issue from different angles and look at their own finances a bit more.

It all reminds me that it is very easy for bitterness to creep in about financial gifts and that playing scrupulously fair to all children is really important, because anything else can esily breed resentment, even when there seem to be good reasons not to treat everyone equally.

WombatChocolate · 30/01/2021 09:46

Try not to sound critical of them. It is their money and their choice in the end. Approaching this very carefully without criticism of anyone will make a big difference.
Come to it from the point of view of the huge benefit the money would be to your situation. Focus on that and that perhaps you didn’t make it clear to them how despite having saved hard, without help you will still struggle.
By not making it a criticism of them, you make it much easier for them to u-turn. People don’t like being told they must or should give money to people...it’s really important it feels like it’s their choice to do so.

windmill26 · 31/01/2021 18:13

I have been in your situation ,the only difference was that my sibling got the apartment fully paid for and I got nothing even though I was promised the same!
Obviously all this created resentment to the point I couldn't bring myself to speak to all of them (parents and sibling) for years.
We are now in contact but I have been very clear that my sibling will have to take care of our parents needs when they are older (whatever the needs will be!).

windmill26 · 31/01/2021 18:19

@cracracatlady

Point them in the direction of their favourite child when they need their arse wiping in old age. You have your hard earned deposit and you owe them nothing. Win win

Exactly what I meant in my reply above!

ssd · 31/01/2021 18:23

Aren't some parents just shit.
Dh and I got a £20 gift voucher when we got married, SIL for 1k.

ssd · 31/01/2021 18:23

From his parents I meant

Tier10 · 31/01/2021 19:20

I feel so sorry for you OP, I think I would write to my parents and tell them how I feel if it was me.
What a shitty thing for your parents to do to you.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 31/01/2021 19:35

There's nothing on earth that would make me treat my DC differently. My DH and I helped out our DS a deposit for his first property and even though our DD didn't need any money we gave her exactly the same amount to do with whatever she wants.
I'd say something along the lines of I have £15k for a deposit so can you help me with the same amount you gave DS please. When she asks where the rest is you say you've reserved it for home improvements or invested it in a pension or something

Original poster

diamondchocolatestick · 03/02/2021 11:55

update: I took all your advice and I spoke to my mother.

She was very offended and listed all the money she had ever spent on me. She has been very generous to top me up at university etc. She said I am being greedy.

That's that then.

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 03/02/2021 12:05

Well you need to start being mean with your time.
Imo.

mouldyhouse101 · 03/02/2021 12:09

@Santaiscovidfree

Well you need to start being mean with your time. Imo.

This.

notapizzaeater · 03/02/2021 12:12

It's hard when they genuinely can't see that they might be in the wrong.

Pantsomime · 03/02/2021 12:14

OP If she’s correctly kept a list to be fair to you both then I think you need to thank her and say you did t think of it like that and be happy she is being fair

lordyanothernamechange · 03/02/2021 12:23

I understand your feeling of being hard done by as my sibling was financially supported all the way through 3 failed uni courses while I worked; I got $5k for a flat and they got $20k, plus they lived at home rent-free for about 8 years while I paid rent for the 3 summers I was home.

It is upsetting and makes you feel less loved or worthwhile to be treated unfairly. While I've never said anything, their very blatant favouritism has let me to distance myself a bit. However in your case if she's been counting and trying to be fair, I think you need to acknowledge it and just move on if you actually have been treated equally.

EspressoExpresso · 03/02/2021 12:27

Are you living at home, heavily subsidised?

windmill26 · 03/02/2021 12:30

@diamondchocolatestick

update: I took all your advice and I spoke to my mother.

She was very offended and listed all the money she had ever spent on me. She has been very generous to top me up at university etc. She said I am being greedy.

That's that then.

Did your sister got the same when at University? When I mentioned to my mother that what was promised to me did not eventuate but my sibling got his half share (if not more!) I too got a list plus some stupid comments! What she listed to me amounted to "crumbs" compared to what was given to my sibling. Reality is we were treated differently and it will not be forgotten! At the end of it in my case is not the amount that counts but it is the stark difference in how I was treated!

Mrgrinch · 03/02/2021 12:35

Tell her you've spent it and see if she's willing to hand it over then, bet she isn't. This would make me resent her.

billybagpuss · 03/02/2021 12:36

do you honestly think she topped up your uni to the same value?

I’d keep a low profile for a bit she may well still be processing your conversation.

Sending hugs 💐

billybagpuss · 03/02/2021 12:51

@billybagpuss

do you honestly think she topped up your uni to the same value?

I’d keep a low profile for a bit she may well still be processing your conversation.

Sending hugs 💐

Just read she is a graduate too so presumably had similar help?

Is it possible something has happened to your dps finances that they haven’t shared with you?

Motnight · 03/02/2021 12:53

Op this could be the conversation that is the turning point in your relationship with your parents.

Many years ago I had a similar conversation with my mother. She couldn't see that the fact that she had given my brother a very very expensive watch for his graduation and nothing to me for mine(or even acknowledged it) was wrong or hurtful. That was just a small example of the different ways that she treated us.

I knew by the end of that conversation that she just didn't really like me or have any interest in my life and it set me free. We went very low contact, there was no drama, just an understanding between us that I was no longer willing to be treated so differently, and she wasn't willing to change. She's dead now and for the last few years of her life expected my brother to be at her beck and call which caused him no end of stress. Nothing was asked of me

It might be a very different situation with you. I hope it is but you do need to be aware that any more conversations could just upset you further.

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