WWYD? She got money I didn't

[diamondchocolatestick]

My sister is two years older than me and two years ago she brought a flat with her husband. Her husband put down half the deposit and my parents gifted my sister the other half (£15k). My parents always said they would do the same for all of us, I have one other younger sibling.

My sister has been terrible with money over her teens and 20s but since buying has become very sensible. While at uni she would go into overdraft despite having plenty of income from her student loan and topped up by her parents. She would go on holidays, to concerts, buy lots of clothes, expensive nights out etc. I would really want to do these things but was saving up for a deposit. She had a great uni life and travelled to India, Canada, and Australia. I believe my parents ended up helping her out a lot financially when she couldn't get a grad job for a year and had no money.

I am mid 20s and am very sensible with money. I have worked hard and saved and I have £25k for a deposit for a house. I haven't been on holidays, I have been very careful with clothes, nights out etc. I do not have a partner.

My parents are well off but its hard to gage their exact financial position. I approached them to chat about getting a deposit for a house.

It turns out I very wrongly assumed that they would be helping me out. When I explained my situation, they decided I didn't need their help as I had my own deposit of £25k. But I was hoping to use some of this money to do up the place I get etc. I haven't responded back to my mum yet as this conversation was yesterday. But she told me if I didn't have the money she would give it, but since I do she won't.

I feel a bit cheated and that I am missing out for being the sensible one. I haven't raised how I feel yet because I wanted to see whether I was being entitled and if it was her money to do as she pleases or whether this would annoy you too?

I feel if I don't do anything I will feel a lot of resentment towards my sister and parents. I am already regretting saving so hard, because what was the point? I know I have been really fortunate but its the feeling of unequalness that has really frustrated me.

WWYD?

@EspressoExpresso

Are you living at home, heavily subsidised?

OP has already said that she has lived in horrible cheap accommodation. There's a facility to read just the OPs posts.

OK. So now you know!

You have lived too well, saved too much and not needed your DM enough!

That is a life well lived, isn't it?

Take a deep breath, You won't get anyone in your family to see what you mean. So don't waste your emotional energy trying to!

Maybe withdraw a little and certainly don't ever offer to help anyone out of a financial bind. You won't get it back as you 'are doing really well' - ask me how I know and I will tell you a 30+ year tale of fending of my parents and DHs family!

Best of luck coming to terms with it. It hurts like nothing else!

I’m sorry this is tough.

Like a PP my parents have convinced themselves they gave me financial support when they did not so thing. They have helped my siblings considerably over the years.

I’m in my 40s now are we’re very low contact. It suits me perfectly.

@notapizzaeater

It's hard when they genuinely can't see that they might be in the wrong.

Or they can see it, but refuse to admit it.

@diamondchocolatestick

thank you everyone. I am not sure if £25k is enough for a deposit. Its all the money I have so I would want to hold £5k back for moving costs, others fees, emergency fund if the boiler breaks etc. So it would be £20k and the cheapest flats where I live in this city are £140k This just means a few more years of saving saving saving

Then surely you reply and say no you misunderstand, I have 20k so I'm short X for a deposit

Sorry OP.

My SIl also received loads of top-ups when my ILs were alive. She was highly educated (Economics degree from Cambridge!) but has never consistently worked, and preferred to travel instead. We discovered that the ILs were giving her £2 k clear a month for decades. That;s fine. Their money and all that.

But when MIL died the first words out of SIl's mouth was about the will wnad what we thought she would get.

She's blown it all now and came to DH a little while ago pleading poverty. DH asked me if i thought we should sling her 50k out of our savings to help her out. I pointed out that as he is coming up to retirement age and that consisted of all our own nest egg we probably should let her sort it out herself.

You will always be able to stand on your own two feet. Because you are sensible and resourceful. That is worth it's weight in gold, even though it still feels (and is) grossly unfair.

Yes your parents are being unfair. Personally I wouldn’t talk again I would just send a very measured letter or text saying how hurt you feel, how they said they would help you all when they helped your sister with no mention of but not if you have amount.. I would tell them how you feel, that you have had minimum wage jobs and saved, how you haven’t had the experiences your older sister has had, how you know they have helped both siblings out, and how not all the money saved can be a deposit and that house prices have gone up since your sister bought, plus you are doing it alone. Please could they reconsider helping you as well

If it’s still a no, then sorry for me that would be it, they are saying my siblings are more important to them than me, so I would be going very low contact and providing no support to anyone of them moving forward as I couldn’t get past the hurt

Well isn’t she lovely and supportive!!
Sorry OP

I couldn't help myself - I'd want to type back "i'm not being greedy, I just wanted to be treated equally to my sister"

i'm not known to be one to follow their relationship advice.

You aren't greedy. Don't let her believe you are - you just thought that your parents would treat you equally.

I would send my mum a message and just state that I was sorry if I offended her and ‘ I had just always thought you were going to help all of us out with a deposit. I hadn’t appreciated that that wasn’t the case. I have been saving very hard over the last x years to ensure that I can afford the best property possible and that my income won’t support enough mortgage to secure a decent property. I in no way meant to come over as greedy but just wrongly assumed they would offer you the same as your sister as I can recall a conversation to that effect. I apologise if my enquiry came over as greedy and I really appreciate the help you gave me whilst at uni.’

After that I’d probably go low contact.

Sometimes I feel like the sibling my parents help but I make sure the equivalent is earmarked for my sibling in the event if my parents death and they know if they need funds they will be helped.

I do wonder if some parents really convince themselves they have been "Fair"! It seems strange that she seems to think this .Almost talked herself into it. I would perhaps remind her that you have no partner and have scrimped and saved .However you cant make her change her mind.Maybe she is not as comfortable as when she was helping DS out? At the end of the day you can go NC with her or just accept it and move on.Look at it this way DS has been unwell ,your health is good (please God) and hers less so .Therefore you have been able to work hard and save for the future .Do you get on well with her ? I think it would be a shame to fall out ,even though I understand this is hurtful to you

@Hoppinggreen

^However, it’s always been the same - we had very little childcare help or help of any kind because according to MIL “we are very capable”
Let’s just hope SIL is “very capable” of looking after mil when she gets older^

This in spadefuls. DH’s sister keeps on getting huge financial handouts from her parents and DH gets overlooked each time. His parents are always visiting SIL, running around after her, helping her, phoning her etc. and he is largely ignored; the explanation for this being that she needs help and he doesn’t. We don’t need (or want) the help or money, but it does makes him feel second best.

PIL are getting very needy and demanding as they get older and I just hope they keep all their attention focused on SIL and don’t expect DH (or me!) to jump in.

My mum buys me a box of biscuits for Xmas if I'm lucky but my youngest brother gets roughly £150 of gifts. (He's in his 30's he isn't a child). Its always me the entire family come to if they get stuck with money - I've bailed them out to the tune of thousands over the years. flighty brother can barely hold down a job and lives at home but access to mums purse is readily available for him.

I would feel like you do OP - it does feel unfair to be the sensible one with money, the one who saves, when you see your flighty siblings getting what you don't. It feels horrible and I totally understand your upset with them.

The only thing I can suggest is what I've done - remain proud of what you've achieved yourself, go low contact, and when they are old and need a nursemaid - you're too busy remember?

@EspressoExpresso no I don't live at home. I haven't lived at home since school

@billybagpuss no she has spent way more on my sister over the years who also went to public school when I didn't. That was because she failed at the state school I was at so I think that was the right decision for her and I never resented it. She would have done the same for me if I had failed.

My mums case for not giving me more was that because I lived in a much more expensive area while I was a student, and my mum covered our rent while we covered everything else with a loan, my rent added up to be more than my sisters rent. Rent when my sister went to university was very cheap. I lived in the middle of a city so even sharing with five others was expensive. They have given my sister lots of top ups and a car since, and the wedding costs etc. But my mum justifies it all with the fact that my rent was more expensive that my sisters.

I know its her money and I don't need to feel like we got exactly the same but I do feel very frustrated that I spent all those years saving when I could have had fun like my sister.

@Getoutofbed25 thank you for this very helpful

@dottiedodah I think my mum makes a decision and then backs to up with any logic she can find.

Both my siblings were very ill when they were born and my sister has life long health complications. My parents love to remind me of how lucky I am to not have these and I do think they are compensating

Family dynamics can be very complicated. This is an all too common one I have seen in my own family. It definitely sounds like your mum is overcompensating. She thinks of your siblings as wounded birds who constantly need help and nurture - whereas you have flown the nest and are thriving on your own.
It's very unfair as I imagine you were sidelined as well during your childhood, due to the (necessary) attention spent on your unwell siblings. Of course you wouldn't want health issues - but surely your mother wouldn't want that either so it's unfair to throw that in your face too.

I think you know the deal now, and I can only advise that you draw a line under it and live your best life supporting yourself as you have. Don't allow bitterness to take over.

Your parents are making a duff decision, but! Wow! You have the satisfaction of standing on your own two feet and knowing that you have earned and saved for your place. It is an amazing achievement!

I would never treat my children unequally in any respect, but especially financially. Your parents are barmy, but don't let them spoil your achievement and enjoyment buying your first place.

I think that your parents ABVU.

DH's parents are scrupulously fair. When they gave BIL £5,000 for his wedding they gave DH the same so that he could put it away for ours. We get sums every now and again which is when they've had to sub BIL again.

If they had simply decided not to help you out that because you didnt need it thats one thing. Mildy annoying but life goes on.

Them telling you they will be doing the same as they did for your sister and then going back on there word is the main issue here. Thats hard to take if you have planned financially on the assumption you will be gifted £15k at some point.

I have a friend with a few other siblings and she went through something similar. My friend thought well maybe I have not been treated fairly here so she told me all that happened. When she told me her story I could not get over what she told me.
Basically she was left to deal with several situations where her family could have given her a bit of help and money which would have made her life far easier. She had been promised things but then these were convently forgot about.

Her family are comfortably off but have chosen to ignore her as much as possible. Her mother has done a lot for some of her adult children over the years and as a result some of them are now on the way to being very comfortably off.
When my friend asked for some financial help they were told you will be looked after but this will be after the death of at least one parent. I said to her you could be 60 before you get any inheritance after as both parents are in good health.
My friend is living on a limited state payment but had planned to make a few changes before the whole covid situation. She is doing things now that will help when the covid situation improves.
My friend said well I have to think of myself now and I just hope my siblings understand down the line that I won't be in a position to mind their elderly mother.
One of the other siblings has got a raw deal as well. My friends mother has done and said several things over to them past few years that were uncalled for. This sibling will be very busy in the next few years also.
My friend and their sibling have decided that the siblings that have been looked after can mind their elderly mother.

Favouritism is common and manifests itself in time, effort, thought as well as money. It exist in DH’s family and all you can do is distance yourself and lower your expectations - you’ll be less disappointed. MIL occasionally gifts us some money (well, £30 for DC’s birthday/Christmas) but it’s obvious that it’s out of guilt and solely because she has gifted tens of thousands to SIL, the golden child who isn’t feckless or disadvantaged in anyway - merely entitled! It sometimes leaks out months later from SIL like a bomb. I really rather not know but it has completely influenced how I see MIL and I definitely don’t feel at all generous towards her. I’m not inclined to do her any favours or accede to demands to go on a mass family holiday. SD restrictions have been kind to us in this respect. 😀

@sansou

Yes to the guilt.

We used to go and take DM out for a meal around her birthday, always us treating her for her birthday.

One year she was very insistent that she pay, and started to say something like ‘I owe you...’ and then clammed up. She made sure that she paid that year and I thought about how strange it was for a while afterwards. I now wish that I had mentioned it to one of my cousin, who knew the story!

Only when I found out about the house deposit and monthly payments for my DB, did it make sense, I am sure it was the birthday after she paid him the deposit money....she had been sworn (or rather blackmailed) to secrecy by DB but obviously felt some guilt!

I have told both mine that they will be treated the same as far as possible (there will always be differences eg one has not yet gone to uni and may not, so hasn’t needed that help) but certainly where birthdays, Xmas, first cars and other gifts are concerned, they were/will be treated the same.

I'm sorry @diamondchocolatestick that sounds very unfair, and of course about much more than money. I think you have good reflections about why this may be - sickly children, needing Mum more etc., but that doesn't make it fair or not hurtful.

You've done very well and should be very proud of yourself. Being in a low paid job, saving, then getting a higher paid job and staying committed to saving for your own flat, shows such maturity. It is a very good idea to keep some money aside, especially as a single person, to cover a decent emergency fund.You ideally should keep at least 3 months expenses aside, and have a goal to bring it to 6 months.

Keep saving, maybe a weekend or evening job if you can, if your flat is 2 beds you could rent out a room too.

You have a bright future ahead of you. Remember this experience with your parents, but also hold your head high and move past it when you can. My Uncle and Aunt did this to their 3, strongly favourite 2/3 financially and in every way possible. Irony is, which child is there to help them in their old age? Who brings them to appts and gets shoppin in? The one they completely ignored and in honestly treated very unfairly.

You should be really proud of how mature you’ve been saving up and how balanced you’ve been in this thread. It’s very tempting to print this off and send it your parents.

Have you spoken to her since your update?

Going against the grain here but does fair always mean equal??
Your parents see u are sensible and can make it own your own. They maybe don't trust your sister to do the same.
Ultimately my goal as a parent is to grow old knowing both my children have a secure place to call their home. If one is trust worth to make it alone and I help the other one. It doesn't change the fact I love them both equally just means one is sensible with money and the other isn't. Selfishly if I knew the both had a nice life regardless of who I helped most it would make me enjoy my retirement and be more relaxed.
Not sure if I am making sense but hopefully u understand what I mean. I dont think in your circumstance its a bit unfair. But without knowing their finances its hard to know for sure. Well done for doing it yourself.