WWYD? She got money I didn't

[diamondchocolatestick]

My sister is two years older than me and two years ago she brought a flat with her husband. Her husband put down half the deposit and my parents gifted my sister the other half (£15k). My parents always said they would do the same for all of us, I have one other younger sibling.

My sister has been terrible with money over her teens and 20s but since buying has become very sensible. While at uni she would go into overdraft despite having plenty of income from her student loan and topped up by her parents. She would go on holidays, to concerts, buy lots of clothes, expensive nights out etc. I would really want to do these things but was saving up for a deposit. She had a great uni life and travelled to India, Canada, and Australia. I believe my parents ended up helping her out a lot financially when she couldn't get a grad job for a year and had no money.

I am mid 20s and am very sensible with money. I have worked hard and saved and I have £25k for a deposit for a house. I haven't been on holidays, I have been very careful with clothes, nights out etc. I do not have a partner.

My parents are well off but its hard to gage their exact financial position. I approached them to chat about getting a deposit for a house.

It turns out I very wrongly assumed that they would be helping me out. When I explained my situation, they decided I didn't need their help as I had my own deposit of £25k. But I was hoping to use some of this money to do up the place I get etc. I haven't responded back to my mum yet as this conversation was yesterday. But she told me if I didn't have the money she would give it, but since I do she won't.

I feel a bit cheated and that I am missing out for being the sensible one. I haven't raised how I feel yet because I wanted to see whether I was being entitled and if it was her money to do as she pleases or whether this would annoy you too?

I feel if I don't do anything I will feel a lot of resentment towards my sister and parents. I am already regretting saving so hard, because what was the point? I know I have been really fortunate but its the feeling of unequalness that has really frustrated me.

WWYD?

Sorry ment to say I do think its a bit unfair not dont.

My parent paid for years for my sister for everything whilst she was an uni and living at home whilst I had to pay rent to them. They even gave her petrol money for her to drive my car. I got one airplane ticket paid for when I moved countries ( for which i’m grateful) and aside from that always paid my own way. I went to uni later and am still paying off my loan whilst hers was paid by them. My mother however has completely rewritten history in her mind and says none of that happened! And she still helps my sister out with everything, even if not financial. It’s galling but won’t ever change.

I think it’s quite common as DH’s DB is bad with money and despite a good job was given a house as was in debt from holidays etc whereas his siblings weren’t. Luckily there’s no bad feeling but I can understand if it might cause upset when OP you’ve been the sensible one.

halo1234 that is a useful perspective and not one i’d ever agree with as essential you are enabling this irresponsible behaviour which can really destabilise families. I would rather our DC learn that they both need to be responsible adults and make sensible choices, or they will be left vulnerable. As one day we might not be there to help any more , plus as this thread shows it can cause hurt between siblings

Of course if one child had a disability or life had gone wrong of course I would understand, but I’d just be nervous of enabling bad financial sense or carelessness and surely it’s healthier to encourage self sufficiency and independence first before helping out

I would only send christmas and birthday cards/presents to one parent from now on, it might dawn on them then how hurtful favouritism is. I know it's petty but that's what I'd do in your situation.

@VirtualLearning I see your point. If it was an endless pot I would give them both the world.
What if they don't learn though. It is a clear cut choice to be sensible with money or are some of us just naturally better at it than others. Also I believe our Success in life is part down to luck. The people we happen to meet. The opportunities that are open to us. The right job coming at the right time. Being in the right place at the right time. There isn't an equal relationship with hardwork and success. One child may need more help through no fault of their own (I accept not in this case). And if I can help it neither of mine will be left vulnerable.
Happy to agree to disagree

halo1234 those are good points. I would feel ok with that as long as I could explain it as well as that to them and have DC who understood (ours are very reasonable so far )! I just know I have low self esteem and itcan be easy to confuse different treatment with being loved less when it’s not the case at all often

I have three siblings with my dad, and I was the only one to receive a house deposit (10k) as I was the last to buy a house and in the worst state financially - I was in my mid thirties when I bought. I was a student for seven years, worked abroad for a few years (which was expensive), and was single well into my thirties. I was really grateful and don't think my siblings resented it. They have since received gifts of money as and when dad thought they needed it - ivf, weddings, bailouts over job losses. I've not needed money for any of those situations so all good.

Maybe there will be a point in the future they help you out in other ways when you really need it?

@virtualLearning. Agree. I am perhaps a bit nieve to think that both of them will always know I love the bones of them both. Would hate to think I made one feel less loved than the other. There would need to be an explanation.

Sorry OP, that is unfair and can see why you feel very hurt. On the bright side - your capabilities will take you far :)

This is so unfair and I think it would be right to tell your parents that. I hope it works out but I am afraid that, if they think that, they may not be open to change. I am so sorry.

@diamondchocolatestick. That is harsh and as a parent I cannot fathom your mum's logic at all. I know it's her money and totally her choice but I think anyone in your position would be feeling hurt and disappointed. As others have said, though, it's not that parents should have to make sure that each child gets exactly the same amount of money, but it should be fair. If she (or they - is your dad in the picure?) had been a bit more aware of how things could be interpreted and had taken you aside and explained that they felt that your siblings needed more financial help and there was a legitimate reason for this (and, no, I don't feel that you should lose out because you've been sensible!!) you wouldn't have been put in the uncomfortable position of having to ask about your deposit... If it wasn't going to be forthcoming you should have been made aware of that (and why not) as soon as your parents knew you were saving up to buy a property.

That is very shit of them. I know what it's like to be penalised for being sensible - I have always been sensible and people don't seem to realise there were lots of sacrifices over the years to save.

I don't know where you live but £25k doesn't go that far in many areas, it wouldn't where I live (south), and unless you earn a lot of money, you are unlikely to get a mortgage on your own with only £25k deposit. And house prices have probably increased since your sister bought too. Maybe your parents are naive about housing costs? In their day £25k could buy a house, these days it's a very small percentage.