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Original poster

Help got myself into such a mess

88 replies

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 08:40

I've named changed, mainly out of sheer embarrassment but been here a long old time.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just some support in what the hell I should do, whether anyone has been as stupid as me and how they got through it and any advice.

I'm currently on maternity leave, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I'm already on a management plan, I can't survive month to month, and I've stupidly thought gambling would help if I did little bits here and there which has now resulted in me feeling like a massive dick by losing more than I should.

I can't tell anyone in real life, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, scared, I just want to start again but I don't know how, I can't see a way out of this mess.

I just see this as how the rest of my life will be now, I don't want that but I don't know how to change it

OP posts:
emmaluggs · 07/09/2020 08:43

Did you arrange the dept management plan yourself or through a company? Maybe contact step change, for some help and advice. This can be sorted, no more gambling this isn’t going to help. Be kind to yourself and make that first call

nannynick · 07/09/2020 08:46

m.youtube.com/watch?v=o_8ebac0ZWc

Many people have been in a lot of debt and have got out. Watch this video to help give you Hope.

Start following a plan to get out of debt. Your DMP is a start but you need to change your mindset around money... you may have experienced the I've Had It moment and are now ready to make changes in your life. Take things in little steps
www.daveramsey.com/dave-ramsey-7-baby-steps

Alfiemoon1 · 07/09/2020 08:47

Can you speak to who ever your debt management plan is with and say it’s not affordable for you. They maybe able to reduce the payments
Stop gambling it isn’t the answer

Check you are receiving any benefits you maybe entitled to and that you are on the best rates for utilities and insurances

When are you due to go back to work is this just a temporary situation while on maternity leave

HermioneMakepeace · 07/09/2020 08:49

Friends of ours saved for 3 years for their dream wedding and honeymoon. A few months before the wedding, the friend discovered that his fiance had spent every single penny on fruit machines. It amounted to over £20k. They put it behind them, had a much smaller wedding and she never gambled again. He forgave her.

The point is, you need to forgive yourself and move forward. Try to get help to negotiate everything you pay out so that you have enough money to live on.

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 08:57

My debt management plan is through a company, I feel like I've been paying in back for an eternity and I've still got so far to go.

I'm now having to use an overdraft just to make it through the month and it's not enough

I put £25 on a well known gambling site, had it in my head I wouldn't put more on and I'd withdraw what I win, so I played and at one point I had over £300 in my winnings, I should've just walked then, I would've cleared half my overdraft, but I just couldn't stop, I kept thinking just a few more "spins" and I could end up with more than the £300, what resulted is me getting down to zero, withdrew nothing, lost everything and I just sat in the bathroom and cried, I had the money there, I could've cashed out, I could've slept easy last night knowing my overdraft would look better but instead I've been awake all night, panicking that I'm not only lost the £300 but I also haven't got the £25 that I put in and I need it

It's just the realisation that I'm losing control, I need help

OP posts:
Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 09:24

I've messed up my babies life haven't I, shes 5 months old and already had the terrible start and now I'm failing her.

I've let everyone down

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 07/09/2020 09:29

Deep breath op. It isn't the end of the world and losing 25 pounds on top of your winnings is worth it if you have learnt the lesson to avoid gambling at all in the future.

Plod on with your debt management plan and you will come out the other end though I second getting independent debt advice from a charity who may be able to come up with better options.
You haven't ruined your baby's life. It will be okay so be kind to yourself x

rottiemum88 · 07/09/2020 09:30

*I've messed up my babies life haven't I, shes 5 months old and already had the terrible start and now I'm failing her.

I've let everyone down*

Are you saying this because you want people to tell you it isn't true? Because unfortunately, if you don't get a grip on things, it really is true and will only get worse.

First off, the gambling isn't going to achieve anything, so stop it. Second, you need to speak to the company you have the debt management plan with and explain you've gotten yourself into an even bigger mess and ask for their help. I'd also suggest speaking to your GP to be referred for counselling, though there's likely to be a significant wait.

If you don't want your child to grow up impoverished and living on the breadline along with you then you need to end the pity party, take responsibility for your own actions and learn to live within your means. It might feel like paying off the debt takes forever, but look at it another way; if you stop accruing any more and stick to the payments on your plan, it could all be cleared and in the past before your daughter is old enough to understand the concept of money being an issue. Then you can genuinely model positive financial behaviours to her, having learned from your own mistakes.

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 09:40

I appreciate everything everyone's saying, I'm honestly not looking for people to feel sorry or say it's okay, I know it sounds like a pity party, but I think it is the realisation that I've just thrown it all away, I know I have no one to blame but myself.

I know financially my baby will be okay, because her dad, my dp, is very very well off and sees her right, she will never go without, my thinking of me ruining her life is more that she won't have a mum around because my dp will leave if he knew the full extent.

I want to go back to work but I can't because my partner wants me at home with baby, so I can't see a way out, only that this will get worse as the months go by

OP posts:
Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:20

Everything seems to point to DMP but I'm already on that, can anyone recommend any websites I can look at ?

OP posts:
Kaktus · 07/09/2020 10:23

@timetoflyto

I appreciate everything everyone's saying, I'm honestly not looking for people to feel sorry or say it's okay, I know it sounds like a pity party, but I think it is the realisation that I've just thrown it all away, I know I have no one to blame but myself.

I know financially my baby will be okay, because her dad, my dp, is very very well off and sees her right, she will never go without, my thinking of me ruining her life is more that she won't have a mum around because my dp will leave if he knew the full extent.

I want to go back to work but I can't because my partner wants me at home with baby, so I can't see a way out, only that this will get worse as the months go by

Hang on... do you have a wealthy DP who doesn’t want you to work? Does he know about your debt?
Doyoumind · 07/09/2020 10:24

Well, that's a bit of a drip feed that you have a DP. Aren't finances shared?

TokyoSushi · 07/09/2020 10:27

OK, how much is the debt? Are you in a relationship with the wealthy DP? How wealthy is he? Could he pay off the debt? Would he? You never really had the £300 so no point thinking about that.

IveSeenThings · 07/09/2020 10:36

Why don't you have shared finances with your partner?
How do you even have a debt management plan- why didn't he pay off the debts?
I think perhaps Relationships might be better board for you in the long term. A joint baby is a joint cost.
Good luck!

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:37

It's not so much a drip feed, just that obviously he's not responsible for my debt so his earnings etc aren't mine to use, I'd never ask him, I just said about him being around and having money as a poster said about my baby and I didn't want people to think she was at risk

But yes, he is well off, he's done well for himself and has a lot of money in savings and earns well.

We rent, he pays the rent, and pays for the car, I pay the bills and food, which was fine before I went on maternity but now I feel like I'm on a sinking ship.

He doesn't want me to go back to work early from maternity leave, as he feels she needs me, which is of course true, she does

OP posts:
Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:38

My debt is about £14000

OP posts:
Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:40

We're not married, have been together for 3 years, the debt and plan was in place before we were together, it's just getting worse as I'm not earning

OP posts:
Kaktus · 07/09/2020 10:40

@timetoflyto

It's not so much a drip feed, just that obviously he's not responsible for my debt so his earnings etc aren't mine to use, I'd never ask him, I just said about him being around and having money as a poster said about my baby and I didn't want people to think she was at risk

But yes, he is well off, he's done well for himself and has a lot of money in savings and earns well.

We rent, he pays the rent, and pays for the car, I pay the bills and food, which was fine before I went on maternity but now I feel like I'm on a sinking ship.

He doesn't want me to go back to work early from maternity leave, as he feels she needs me, which is of course true, she does

If he doesn’t want you to work, you need to be sharing finances. If he doesn’t want to share finances, then you need to work. It’s simple.
HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:41

You need to be honest about the debt. If he wants you to stay home then he needs to accept the financial responsibilities of that.

Eventually you’ll have no income of your staying home so he’ll need to cover all expenses. Once he knows about the debt he can decided if he still wants you to stay home and help you pay it off or if it would be better for you to return to work and pay off the Debt.

IveSeenThings · 07/09/2020 10:42

This is not a partnership. Is he even aware of your debt?

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:43

Also it sounds like he has no idea about the debt? So he went into this relationship / parenthood with a different idea of your financial status? You need to be honest with hi ASAP! I’m sure his opinions would be different if he knew the extent of your debt.

IveSeenThings · 07/09/2020 10:45

Sorry- that was blunt, so sounded harsh.
You must be so stressed about this- you need to share that burden with your partner. You can't bear something like that alone, especially not with a small infant, lack of sleep, rundown from pregnancy etc etc.
Please talk to him- he needs to know this.

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:45

He knows about the original debt and plan

He doesn't know im gambling to try and make ends meet or that I'm now sinking into an overdraft

OP posts:
IveSeenThings · 07/09/2020 10:46

He knows about the debt, you both decided to have a baby, but he has savings and didn't sort the debt first?

As I said- you need the relationships board Sad

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:47

I know I have no one to blame but myself and I fully accept that I need to hear the harsh

OP posts:
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