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Original poster

Help got myself into such a mess

88 replies

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 08:40

I've named changed, mainly out of sheer embarrassment but been here a long old time.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just some support in what the hell I should do, whether anyone has been as stupid as me and how they got through it and any advice.

I'm currently on maternity leave, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I'm already on a management plan, I can't survive month to month, and I've stupidly thought gambling would help if I did little bits here and there which has now resulted in me feeling like a massive dick by losing more than I should.

I can't tell anyone in real life, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, scared, I just want to start again but I don't know how, I can't see a way out of this mess.

I just see this as how the rest of my life will be now, I don't want that but I don't know how to change it

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2020 11:09

OP you can’t support yourSelf if you incomes are less than your outgoings- speak with your partner or this gets worse

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:11

I just need to look for ways to get myself out of the hole I'm in, people advised to look at step change but that all points to DMP so I will speak to the company I'm with to see what they can advise.

I'll close the gambling accounts too.

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 07/09/2020 11:11

I would just ask him to pick up the bills that you normally pay while you're on Smp.

You going to have to gave far worse conversations than that if you cant even ask that.

Figgygal · 07/09/2020 11:11

You only lost £25 so stop catastrophising

Agree with others you should talk to your dp urgently he needs to understand what’s going on

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 11:12

Well unfortunately your not in a position for that to be an option. You need to be upfront and tell him what is going on!

Fine you don’t want him to sort it then he needs to know the full extent so he knows why you what and need to go back to work. That way he can pay for the childcare that will be required And all the house expenses so that your able to use your wages to sort out your debt issues yourself.

I don’t think he’s finically abusive it sounds like you’ve not told him the full picture so he’s planned things on the information he has, which isn’t the full truth, and I fact your situation is different.

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:14

Thank you for taking the time to "listen" to me ramble

OP posts:
Gazelda · 07/09/2020 11:16

@timetoflyto

This is so much messier than I can explain, I've put myself in this situation, I appreciate everyone trying to help with advice re my partner, I know things don't add up there but I don't want to rock that boat because the waves will just get bigger and I just need help with my situation right now so that I can get myself sorted
But it's not possible for you to get yourself sorted if you're not earning. You either need to earn or he needs to pay a fairer share of the family's costs. That's not your fault. That's just the reality of family finances. And it's his fault for not appreciating the burden you're carrying. First, stop the gambling. Delete the apps. Write off the £25 (mentally). The £300 was never yours, so you've not lost it. Then, list your income. Then your expenses - the bills you pay, average weekly shop, agreed debt repayments. How did the income figure IMO are to the expenses? I bet there's a shortfall. Then speak to your DP about the shortfall, how it has caused you to dip into overdraft and impact the payments you're making to the debt management plan. He'll then show you what sort of man he is
  • apologise, pay off the debt and agree a fairer financial set up
  • criticise you and let you carry on struggling
  • criticise, begrudgingly pay off the debt then keep bringing it up

If either of the second 2, he's not good enough for you and your DC

Doyoumind · 07/09/2020 11:20

Good grief, OP. You can't possibly be expected to make debt repayments and cover food and bills on maternity pay. The baby is your baby between you. He should be paying for as much as possible. You should in no way feel like you are struggling each month. It's not about him paying off your debt. It's about him taking responsibility for his family. His career and savings will likely flourish if you stay at home. This really isn't a healthy situation, even if you can't see it.

You are in an incredibly vulnerable situation financially. You would be be secure financially married to him, or away from him completely.

greengreengrass14 · 07/09/2020 11:23

I'm not sure how much this will help OP

but there is an organisation called Gamcare. I think they have a website where you can ask for help with this. Hope it helps a bit
gg

Sonmi451 · 07/09/2020 11:24

But you're not asking him to clear your existing debt, are you? You'd only be asking him to cover the shortfall on current household expenses, which he has already said he's prepared to do? I don't know if I've missed something, but what is the "hole" that you need help getting out of?

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:28

I'll have a look at GamCare thank you

I just need to stop the cycle

OP posts:
maras2 · 07/09/2020 11:30

Try going to Martin Lewis's Money Saving Expert/Debt Free Wannabe site.
Plenty of people there have had the same situation ie. feeling that they can't tell their partners about debt, gambling etc.
These folk are very supportive and the forum guides are knowledgeable,kind and non judgemental.
Best of luck. Mx.

fairydustandpixies · 07/09/2020 11:33

You mention that you're using a company for your DMP. I was in your situation ten years ago and also used a company - a fifth of my repayments to creditors went to them to 'manage' my plan. I then discovered a template letter on the Martin Lewis website to write to all my creditors myself, I ditched the DMP company and used the money I was paying them to up the amount I paid back to the creditors. Took five years to clear my £17k debt but it was much quicker and cheaper doing it myself. Might be worth doing, OP?

Mintjulia · 07/09/2020 11:34

OP, regardless of who pays, you have a child together with your other half. That's more of a commitment than marriage. You can't dissolve a child.

If that commitment and that relationship is going to survive, you have to be honest with each other. If you don't tell him, he has every right to be pissed off at being kept in the dark.

You are a partnership, regardless of 'other issues'. Talk to him. Don't ask him for money. He's very switched on financially. Ask him for advice. xx

combatbarbie · 07/09/2020 11:36

You need to tell him OP. If he wants you at home he needs to step in and help you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2020 11:39

I'd take myself of to the MSE website.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

Debt free diaries will give you masses of examples of what you can do. Start your own diary and you will be given advice and help. Don't take things personally though. Most people on the site have been where you are or somewhere close, despite this a few wear those annoying judgy pants.

Starlight39 · 07/09/2020 11:43

I'd do two things. One speak to the DMP, they may be able to reduce what they take just while you're on maternity leave? Secondly, I'd say to your DP that you are struggling with bills and food now you are only on maternity pay. You don't have to go into detail about the debt if you don't want to, he surely will expect that you will struggle with the reduced income and be happy to step up and pay a bit more?

Don't do any more gambling, that's never going to be the answer either long or short term. You can get through this - you just need to get a little bit of help from DMP and DP, which is totally normal during maternity leave anyway!

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 07/09/2020 11:43

You are a family, a team, when you were working you could pay a bit off your debt, but you are now not working so you can’t, that debt is still there, so as a couple you have got to sit down together and go through it all, it’s sortable if you both just talk. Stop being so mean to yourself and accept you can’t cope alone and need help. Denying you’re partners choice or chance to help you is unfair. He has the right to say yes or no.
If you feel gambling may be a problem for you there is gamblers anonymous.

FAQs · 07/09/2020 11:46

There was a similar post the other day, with the husband and the debts and the general advice was she shouldn’t bail out his debts as they were his responsibility, sell what he could and get a second job.

Can you go back to work in reduced hours?

FAQs · 07/09/2020 11:48

Oh the other thing said was to establish exactly the debt and for her to control his spending, cash only and no access to cards etc.

Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:51

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate it

I just want this black cloud over me to go, I know £25 is nothing to some people, but the realisation that I blew that £25 and now I haven't got it, really has hit me hard.

This time last year I wouldn't have bat an eyelid at £25, now it feels like £25 is make or break, is sad that something so small, has such a hold.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2020 11:51

There was a similar post the other day, with the husband and the debts and the general advice was she shouldn’t bail out his debts as they were his responsibility, sell what he could and get a second job completely different situation - yes OPs debts are hers if she was working ft- but she’s on mat leave raising their child and she can’t manage the outgoings from not working

Kaktus · 07/09/2020 11:53

@FAQs

There was a similar post the other day, with the husband and the debts and the general advice was she shouldn’t bail out his debts as they were his responsibility, sell what he could and get a second job.

Can you go back to work in reduced hours?

Yeah, it would be the same if the man in that thread was at home looking after the baby while the wife was telling him not to go back to work.
Original poster
timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 12:12

I'll try and talk to DP later, I like the idea of wording it as wanting his advice, he may be more okay with everything that way

OP posts:
Kaktus · 07/09/2020 12:14

@timetoflyto

I'll try and talk to DP later, I like the idea of wording it as wanting his advice, he may be more okay with everything that way
Why would he be not ok with framing it in another way? Simple facts. Your incomings don’t currently cover your outgoings as you are on reduced pay while you are at home looking after your shared child. He needs to support with that.
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