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Original poster

Help got myself into such a mess

88 replies

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 08:40

I've named changed, mainly out of sheer embarrassment but been here a long old time.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just some support in what the hell I should do, whether anyone has been as stupid as me and how they got through it and any advice.

I'm currently on maternity leave, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I'm already on a management plan, I can't survive month to month, and I've stupidly thought gambling would help if I did little bits here and there which has now resulted in me feeling like a massive dick by losing more than I should.

I can't tell anyone in real life, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, scared, I just want to start again but I don't know how, I can't see a way out of this mess.

I just see this as how the rest of my life will be now, I don't want that but I don't know how to change it

OP posts:

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:47

But I would never ask or take his money, he worked hard to get where he is, he shouldn't have to use his money to bail me out

OP posts:

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:48

Well then you need to tell him ASAP.

If he wants you to stay home and not want he needs to accept the household financial responsibilities so take on all household expenses and also work our as a partnership what to do about your debt.

If he doesn’t want to take in those responsibilities then he needs to accept that you will be working.

Kaktus · 07/09/2020 10:49

@timetoflyto

But I would never ask or take his money, he worked hard to get where he is, he shouldn't have to use his money to bail me out

No. But then he doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t go to work. You can’t afford to live in your current situation, so you need to work. If he doesn’t want you to work, he needs to help with your outgoings.

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:50

But I feel like that's unfair on him for him to carry all the burden of paying for everything

OP posts:

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:51

He’s not bailing you out. You have a child together and as such should be a partnership. He can’t expect you to stay home and not earn but still pay for things / manage your debt all alone it’s not possible.

I’m finishing my maternity now and my husband & I have made the decision I’ll be staying home but in doing that we fully looked at all the finances and worked out that it was possible for him to cover all the family expenses.

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:51

He's not saying I can't work full stop, he's saying he doesn't want me going back early - I'm not due to finish maternity leave until February

I just can't see how to get through until then

OP posts:

Kaktus · 07/09/2020 10:52

@timetoflyto

But I feel like that's unfair on him for him to carry all the burden of paying for everything

And unfair on you if he is not allowing you to work, meaning you are carrying the burden of the debt. Why can’t you see that? He doesn’t want you to work, then he has to enable that financially. If he doesn’t want to do that, or you don’t want him to, then you need to work.

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:52

Sorry if I'm a bit all over the place, it's quite hard to talk about but actually a relief to let it out

OP posts:

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:52

@timetoflyto

But I feel like that's unfair on him for him to carry all the burden of paying for everything

Well if he wants you to stay home then that’s his choice and not unfair. If he doesn’t want to shoulder the whole burden you need to have a job. Pretty simple

You do need to be honest tho because it sounds like he’s made a financial choice (you staying home) based in misinformation. He needs to know all the details of your debt / gambling

Kaktus · 07/09/2020 10:53

@timetoflyto

He's not saying I can't work full stop, he's saying he doesn't want me going back early - I'm not due to finish maternity leave until February

I just can't see how to get through until then

Well then he has to help with finances until feb. He’s aware of course that you’re on maternity pay? He needs to make up the shortfall. I’m not sure what sort of man wouldn’t offer to do that anyway. We have three children. In my periods of mat leave, DH has covered the financial shortfall.

IveSeenThings · 07/09/2020 10:55

There's no "his money" any more- it's family money. When you go back, who is paying for the child care?

But I feel like that's unfair on him for him to carry all the burden of paying for everything
Do you feel it's unfair that you're carrying all the burden of the child bearing?

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 10:55

Deep down I feel like we're just from two very different worlds money wise and I think I always knew it would come to a head at some point, I've always struggled to keep my head above water, he worked hard and the domino effect on that has been amazing for him, I just wish I knew how to do it for myself

OP posts:

ShellsAndSunrises · 07/09/2020 10:57

But I feel like that's unfair on him for him to carry all the burden of paying for everything

You're £14 thousand pounds in debt, with a 5 month old, a growing overdraft and the start of a gambling problem... in the nicest way, you can't afford those morals right now.

You chose to have a baby together. I earn more than my husband - we've just got married - and he was unemployed for a bit last year. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting him to struggle on while I kept all my money. That's not love. I couldn't watch him struggle... I expected him to be looking for work, and to not be pissing all the money up the wall, but that was it.

You need to talk to him. He knows about the debt, so at least that won't be a big surprise! Tell him that it's getting worse because you can't afford to service it, and that you've felt desperate enough that you've tried gambling to try and make more money. You either make a new arrangement for finances for a while, which probably does mean he takes more of the financial load but he gets you at home with the baby, which is what he wants; or you go back to work. Talk about it together. Find the solution that suits you both. If he feels strongly about having you at home, and you agree with that, and he makes good money, he may find it a very easy decision.

You're supposed to be a team. You can't just be a team for the good parts.

Reddog1 · 07/09/2020 10:57

You shouldn’t be a SAHM unless you’re married. It’s too vulnerable a position otherwise. I think you should find a job. Good luck OP.

MyCatReallyIsAGit · 07/09/2020 10:57

You’re looking after your baby, though - it’s not like you’ve decided you can’t be arsed to work. Sounds like you need to be covering expenses in proportion to your income at least - so if you’re bringing in 10% of the household income, you pay 10% of the costs. You can’t be expected to keep contributing financially at a level you can’t afford when you have no income.

HeeeeyDuggee · 07/09/2020 10:58

Did you not discuss finances before having the baby? If he wants you to stay off until Feb he must know that you’ll be on smp or nothing. He cannot expect you to carry on finically the same as if you were working.

You need to be honest with him. Stop making excuses about different financial situations or backgrounds. You have a child together you are a partnership

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/09/2020 10:59

We rent, he pays the rent, and pays for the car, I pay the bills and food, which was fine before I went on maternity but now I feel like I'm on a sinking ship

How does this work out proportionally? He should be paying proportionally towards all of the expenses, based on how much your mat leave is paying you v how much he earns.

When you go back to work, you may find that a lot of the extra burden of childcare falls to you and that your career progression is affected by having become a mum. If he expects you to fund childcare from your income or at least to be the primary parent in terms of taking time off for illness/school holidays etc then he needs to think again. This is the real source of the gender pay gap, and why its so important that you maintain your career independently of him, especially if you aren't married.

If he wants to dictate when you go back to work and how your baby is cared for then he should be marrying you or at least supporting you financially to make those decisions. He can't keep his income largely to himself and still insist that his child has a stay at home parent.

If he doesn't want to share finances then he definitely has to be open to a different division of both incomes to make sure that you're not disadvantaged by becoming a parent, while he reaps the benefits of having children while his money and work are largely unaffected.

As for your debt, its a big sum, but not ridiculous. Forget the gambling amount, as that sounds like peanuts, and there's nothing you can do about that now, except to close your accounts and don't get sucked in again. Mentally writing off the £300 you 'lost' to save yourself the guilt and stress of "what if"s will be worth it. The rest, just keep chipping away at it, a bit at a time. Your debt management company should be able to make sure its on interest free or at least the lowest amount of interest that you can pay.

Your job now is to make sure that it only goes down and not up, which you could do a lot more quickly if you were back at work, with your DP contributing fairly to all bills - including childcare.

RedCatBlueCat · 07/09/2020 11:00

Ok. If you wont let him pay for everything, get him to "pay" you for childcare. A nursery is about a grand a month - or more. So he needs to transfer you half of that. Your earnings are down because you are doing the bulk of the childcare.
Please stop struggling. You need to work as a team, not keep trying to go it alone.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2020 11:01

Wait so you raise his child, he builds his savings and you don’t have enough income to cover the family outgoings?
OP WAKE UP
There are two issues: yes your gambling but separately their is no unity in this partnership- how did you expect to cover bills without pooling money?

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:03

This is so much messier than I can explain, I've put myself in this situation, I appreciate everyone trying to help with advice re my partner, I know things don't add up there but I don't want to rock that boat because the waves will just get bigger and I just need help with my situation right now so that I can get myself sorted

OP posts:

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:04

I'm painting him in an awful picture and I don't want that, he always said that he knew he'd have to top up when I went to SMP, but I don't want to ask him for money - there's other issues both sides on that - i don't want to be reliant on him, or having to ask him, I want to be able to support myself but I can't and I don't know how to

OP posts:

Kaktus · 07/09/2020 11:05

@timetoflyto

Help with your situation is what people are trying to provide. You need to talk to your partner. What other help can people give you?

FancyPuffin · 07/09/2020 11:05

Either you’ve internalised this so much that you’ve created an impossible situation in your mind and have inadvertently become a bit of a martyr (this is not a criticism).

Or, your dp is financially abusive and is letting his partner suffer while he builds up his savings.

If you’re sobbing in the bathroom because you gambled away a desperately needed £25 while your dp is ‘well off and has loads of savings’ something is very fundamentally wrong in your relationship. You should be able to tell him everything that is happening and he should be fully supporting you. If he doesn’t know about it then he doesn’t have the opportunity to help you. You need to get out of the mentality that you’ve got to suffer alone in this.

Lucked · 07/09/2020 11:06

If what you need to do is go back to work then that is what you have to do and, unless your partner wants to step up and pay more of the outgoings, He is going to have to suck it up.

Start to organise going back to work ASAP.

Original poster

timetoflyto · 07/09/2020 11:09

He's not financially abusive, he pays for the house over my head and pays for our car and everything to do with that.

Yes he could resolve all my money problems without it having any noticeable impact on his money BUT it's not for him to solve, and I don't want to have that resentment from him that what he worked hard for, he's having to use to sort my mess.

OP posts:

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