Help got myself into such a mess

[timetoflyto]

I've named changed, mainly out of sheer embarrassment but been here a long old time.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just some support in what the hell I should do, whether anyone has been as stupid as me and how they got through it and any advice.

I'm currently on maternity leave, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I'm already on a management plan, I can't survive month to month, and I've stupidly thought gambling would help if I did little bits here and there which has now resulted in me feeling like a massive dick by losing more than I should.

I can't tell anyone in real life, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, scared, I just want to start again but I don't know how, I can't see a way out of this mess.

I just see this as how the rest of my life will be now, I don't want that but I don't know how to change it

Put the gambling behind you but please speak to DP to sort out how he will support the family financially if he doesn't want you to work

£25 sounds like a lot when you can't afford it, but can you reframe it as a £25 course in the importance of not gambling and in learning to talk to your DP about money and forming a joint plan? Without this crunch time you could have wandered on for another few months getting further into debt before confronting it, so maybe it is £25 well spent.

OP your finances need to be shared. Let me tell you my story.

In my mid 20s, I had built up around £25,000 by living beyond my means, including travelling around the world on my credit card.

I met my now dh shortly after that. When we moved in together, we shared finances. I carried on with paying off my debt. A few years later, we were able to get on the property ladder. If I had been saving that money, instead of paying hundreds of pounds a month in loan repayments, we would have had a bigger deposit and lower mortgage repayments, but my DH never once made me feel bad or refused to share money.

Later, Dh went into full time education and his income dropped. We continued to have joint finances. Later, my career developerld faster than his, and I was earning nearly than double he was. We continued to have joint finances. This was all before her had dd.

Now, I'm pregnant and unemployed! We continue to have joint finances.

If my DH was in your position, I would be sharing finances.

Imagine the situation was reversed OP. Would you really think it was fair or reasonable to watch him struggle knowing you could sort it out for him, and put an end to the huge amount of stress he was under? If you have had a baby together and live together, you should be a team, which means helping each other out when necessary. He must be incredibly hard hearted if he can watch you struggle and not want to help.

Thank you for all your advice.

I'm working through all the incomings and outgoings now

Good luck with this OP. This is a discussion that every family needs to have. I only got SMP of £500 a month and it’s taken me 2 years to get back to full time work, my partner was paying over 80% of all our joint bills at one point as he was earning a full time wage, say he took home £1700 and I took home £500. Our joint bills are: housing, council tax, water, gas/electric, food, childcare, child’s clothes, equipment Eg car seats, high chair, entertainment eg soft play, swimming, baby group, house repairs eg plumber, car costs including petrol and parking, joint slush fund for other random joint stuff eg new frying pan or duvet cover. So out of my ‘own’ money (SMP & child benefit) I was paying a contribution that went towards all that (20% of the total) and left me a bit of money left over for my own phone, clothes etc and him his own spending money too.

Who exactly is the DMP with? You say you've had it for 3 years but it doesn't really sound like you're getting anywhere with it. Has the interest and any charges been stopped? If they haven't and it's a commercial company, you could plug away for years and not really get anywhere, and they will make a shedload of money out of you in the meantime.

You're also struggling to keep up the DMP payments and pay for bills and food out of a reduced income. This is not sustainable and you have the added difficulty of being in a vulnerable position due to being an unmarried SAHP. I'd also question whether you paying for food and bills is fair,given your disparity in income. He's a high earner, you've had a child together and you're doing all the childcare, you shouldn't be struggling like this and perhaps he should be paying more than he currently is.

Your DP might think that he is putting the family's best interests at heart by wanting this, but it doesn't stop the impact on your personal finances, future career prospects and pension provision.

When in problem debt, making the debt priority is the wrong way round. You should work out what you need for food, bills, reasonable personal spends and the creditors get what's left. If it isn't enough, you pay them what you can, or you take a more formal solution, which might be a debt relief order or bankruptcy. Have you asked for your payments to be reduced given your drop in income?

However, things are complicated by your high earning DP. If he's amenable, it might be better for him to pay all your debts off, you sort your joint budget by covering all joint costs, including a pension for you while you are a SAHP and then you both take personal spending money, and you could have less to reflect him paying off your debts, so you feel like you are paying him back.

Your DH must be an absolute piece of shit to be letting you struggle with food and bills whilst on maternity pay. He will know you are struggling with all of that and debt repayments on top. How could he not? Its disgusting you are in this position when he has a good wage and savings. When you live together and have a child finances are shared and total bills paid proportionately to what you both earn. Me and DH have both been through periods of unemployment, maternity etc and neither of us would dream of letting the other get into debt or worry about how to pay bills.

Have a look at IVA's and Debt Relief Orders.
Naturally it will affect your credit score but that's already fucked.
Also address the gambling as some debt counselling services will refuse to mediate with your creditors if you are continuing to gamble.
Make sure that the debt counselling service is free. Eg CAB or Money Advice Service.

Everyone's comments have made me take a long look at the scenario I'm in and I think you're right there are bigger issues than just my debt that need looking into and addressing

Oh OP, I really feel for you. It's not the actions of a loving and decent partner to watch the mother of their child struggle financially while she is on maternity pay, it really isnt. Especially when he is sat on savings and earns a good salary.

To me it sounds are though op does not let her partner know as she feels a sense of shame. Also that she has not fully discussed all this with him. I don't think he knows how she is struggling so it seems unfair to blame him.

Op you need to be honest and tell him he needs to pay for food and what you have been paying for to allow you to use your smp on your day to day expenses and on small debt repayments.

It sounds like you have been sold the story that many younger people are that they must always be fully independent and that their partners money is their own. It is their own money until you have a child and become a family and then it is family money. Many people are now slagging him off but from what the op has said, she has not said to him, she has not discussed it and also she has been the one not wanting to take more from him. She has said this a few times on this thread.

Your mindset needs to change op as it is family money and he needs to support you and your child, it sounds as though he would.

I don't get women feeling shame to be supported when they have had a baby, surely that's what being a family is all about. We take the toil on out bodies, physically and mentally, we take the baby hit to our careers or jobs, even if we have a short maternity leave. We are the one usually left holding the baby if and when things go wrong. Financial support in a family is the least that the non child bearing partner can provide.

I dont believe that the DP has no clue flirtygirl. The OP describes him as 'very very well off' yet he is expecting the OP to pay for food and bills from maternity pay in the knowledge that she also has a big debt to pay off. Pretty horrendous really.