How do you work your finances?

[chocolate26]

I'm interested to know how you and your partner/husband/wife organise finances if one of you stays at home with the children or works part time and earns very little compared to your significant other? Do you have just the one bank account you both spend from? Or a separate bank account for all bills and then split what's left over?

I'm in a bit of a debate over how me and DH should work our finances. I've always earned much less than him and I'm currently pregnant due to go on maternity leave in May 😊

We have an account each that we are paid into. All the bills come off DH's account as he earns more than double what I do. I then use my account and my wages to pay the credit card, give us pocket money, pay for DS's things and save. We have access to each others accounts and the cards for each float about between us both. They are basically both joint accounts in a sense.

We decided that when we had DS and I would go on maternity leave/return part time, DH would take care of all the bills including food shopping and my wage was basically fun money, to buy DS's stuff and save for holidays etc. So we could do without my wage just about but it would mean no fun and no holidays really!

Chocolate I apologise if I am blunt but I have seen so many threads like this recently and I just do not understand why any woman would live with someone so mean let alone have a baby with them.

You really need to reassess very quickly before you become one of those woman who has one bra, two pairs of knickers and holes in shoes whilst your husband has a massive disposable income. You should NEVER have to go cap in hand to your life partner for money, the financial side of your marriage should be fair and allow dignity for both.

Do you really want a baby growing up in a household where one person holds all the financial power? Please think about this very carefully.

^ doodley has it spot on. You sound a little naive and like you are worried about discussing this with him. You should never have decided to have a baby with him in this situation, as you are now even more vulnerable. Hopefully he will change his ways and not be a dick and keep making you ask for money.

chocolate why do you only have £800 per month atm? Are you working full time? Is he taking £450 off you for something?

Regarding child benefit remember you won't be entitled to this if he's earning £3000 per month im assuming he's earning over the threshold.

Everyone is entitled to claim child benefit. If there is someone in the household who earns over £50k then some has to be paid back via a self assessment tax return. Once they reach £60k it would all be paid back

You’re married. It’s all shared money.

Three main accounts: joint for bills & family expenses, 2x individual accounts with the same disposable income per month. Joint savings accounts for big stuff - cars, house stuff etc.

If he is a good man and not a financially abusive misogynist who thinks you’re worth less because you earn less then he will agree.

If he doesn’t agree you need to think really, really hard about the decision not to work much when your baby is here.

Please have your eyes open.

Alternatively, if they earn over £60k , you can claim child benefit but opt out of payment so as to get NI credits for the lower earner/sahp

You earn 1/6 of what he does. Hence you should pay 1/6 of the bills.

My DP and I don't have a joint account, I am the main earner and he contributes in proportion with his income. If I had him pay half the bills he'd be permanently skint.

DP and me , no kids yet, together 4 years and relocated together and decided at that point to share all money. One spend account, one save, card each. He earns more then me plus lots of OT but I do more house chores. Works well for us!

We both had individual accounts that salaries went into as well as a joint account.
Joint account had all household expenses and we paid in a set amount to cover. Paid in set amount to joint savings too.

My DH earns significantly more than me- we have a joint account that all household expenditure comes out of and all income goes into. From this anything our children need also comes out of it, I have a DS (18) and he has a DS (21)and a DD (19). He transfers a very generous sum to my personal account every month so that I can buy anything for myself- clothes, hair, etc without asking plus I have access to the joint account for anything I want to get for the house, food, pet stuff etc.

Why don't you have a joint account and allocate an amount that each of you can have to spend on themselves and put that into your own accounts. Then he can spend this as he likes without you "checking" his spending but you both have the same disposable "fun" income.

One account. DH earns much more than me now. I tend to take responsibility for finances though (not deliberately, just how it worked out). He never questions it. It's family money. One day I'll be back working full time, with potential to earn more than him. Equally, that will be family money. I can't understand keeping finances separate. Especially when you have children together. You're meant to be a team! All things equal. One person having control over the other financially is pretty shocking imo

If he really must have some separate money so you can't see what he's spending, why can't you just have a joint account that your salaries are paid in to, and then his own account that he can transfer a few hundred out of each month? So the majority of funds are available to both of you? In truth I think he's probably one of those men that thinks you aren't contributing financially and he doesn't see why you should have HIS hard earned cash

I knew I would be corrected, ffs, posting on Mumsnet is like testifying on oath! Yes entitled to apply thank you for the emphasis in italics!! But will have to pay it back. That's what I meant

Separate accpunts and married for nearly 30 years. DH from about 4 years into marriage has earnt significantly (10 times some years) more than me. When i gave up work he took over all bills. I paid for all stuff: children's clothes, food, petrol, haorcuts, window cleaner, swimming, coffee, occasional lunch, days out with dc, etc. I put all the receipts in a box on top of the breadbin with a monthly note of all expenses. At the end of the month he wrote me a cheque to deposit in my bank account.

When I went back to work on a tiny fraction of his salary we agreed he'd pay me a monthly allowance and I would pay for my own hair, clothes, petrol, etc.

Helped that we have similar attitudes to spending but he never, ever questioned anything I spent. Had he done so, I guess the relationship may have crumbled.

He has no idea what I spend and I have no idea what he spends. If I want a pair of shoes for £150 I'll buy them - neither did I consult when I bought my car - with my money.

OP it's a shame this financial situation wasn't resolved before you fell pregnant but now that you are please prioritise and insist this is sorted out with your 'D'H.

One of my friends is married to man who controls all aspects of their finances which worsened after they had children. He insisted she returned to work PT after she had their DC but she also had to pay 50% of bills despite the fact he was working FT and earning 3x her salary. This left her with £0.

Her life is restricted in so many ways, some of which could be seen as 'first world problems' but I think they are dehumanising for a grown woman to endure. For example they have visited the same place on holiday for 15 years because it's a location that suits his specific sporting hobby and they can stay free of charge with family. He refuses to pay to go anywhere else for a family holiday (but will pay for himself to go elsewhere with his friends on separate breaks because he needs child free holidays). She absolutely hates it. His family is unpleasant, it is in the middle of nowhere and he refuses to allow her to spend money on driving lessons so she spends 3 weeks every Summer trapped in the holiday home.

She is only permitted to buy food for her & DC from Iceland & Lidl whilst he buys organic food only for himself. Her career has nose dived as she has reduced her days & hours - he won't pay for pre or after school clubs so she has to do the school run.

Despite all of this she does not recognise she is in a financially abusive marriage and told me her DH feels sorry for my DC because I work FT and therefore "put money before my family". I feel so sorry for her that I couldn't even be bothered to argue about this comment and just nodded. She also describes him as a lovely man

Eastie, that is just dreadful! We have one account that everything goes in and out of, plus a credit card each (with a low limit). We have been through stages of me then him as higher earner, me then him not working etc. It's one pot. We agree large purchases, but day to day coffees, clothes, child expenses we don't discuss. We are lucky though that we have more than enough to get by and whilst there's a budget, no-ones going to starve if new shoes are needed.

Op, please do not give up your job once the baby comes, keep your income, however little it may be and don't become dependent on him. I'm sorry but he does not sound "lovely", he sounds mean. There is no way I would watch my other half struggle for money while I'm sitting pretty on loads of disposable income every month. Him not wanting you to see what he spends on would ring alarm bells for me too. How do you know it's nothing dodgy? The fact that he shuts you down when you try to have the discussion about money is worrying too. You do realise this is how financial abuse starts? I can tell you know that this will all get a lot worse if you become a SAHM. You'll be begging him for money and he'll become resentful and grudge paying it. Just read some of the other similar threads on here or look up financial abuse. Please protect yourself.

Joint account. Then we each transfer a weekly amount in to our own accounts for spending.

I don’t understand how a couple could have a good relationship when one controls the other financial. It’s abuse.

...(continued) Since you asked though, this is how DH and I do things: We do have semi-independent finances but we've only been married a year. When we moved in together I bought the flat and put down the deposit, we hadn't been together all that long at the time so everything was in my name (the flat, all the bills etc) and he paid me for his share of the bills. We both earn the same so we just split everything 50-50. We've kept this arrangement going because it's too much faff to change it all and it works for us. Now that we're married we added his name to the flat and we have joint savings, which pay for things like holidays, house repairs and currently we're saving to help us upgrade to a family house for when our baby comes. I pay more into the savings as I've paid off my student overdraft/credit card debts and he's still paying his off. But it's all joint money. If one of us runs out of cash at the end of the month we help ourselves to this money.
When we buy a house jointly we'll have to review how we do finances, they'll probably become more merged.
We've already agreed he'll have to be the bread earner while I'm on mat leave, I don't know about after as I'm not sure if I'll work full or part time. But we've always had open, respectful discussions about money, and if one of us is struggling the other will automatically pay for things with no need to ask and no score being kept.

I’ve never understood the seperate finances thing, especially once you have kids.
And in these situations it always seems to be the mother as the lower earners who then had to pay for everything child related! Kids are expensive. The man just carries on as before kids paying his share of bills and spending his vast disposable money on himself!
Once you have kids someone normally has to go part time this means they bring less money to the table but in return they bring savings on childcare, take up more of the housework and cooking etc

In these situations I think they should present thier other half with a bill for thier share of the childcare/cooking:cleaning/taxiing that they are doing and so saving the household money!

I would be concerned that he doesn't want you to see what he spends. Best case scenario is that he just doesn't want to feel like he is under scrutiny and wants some freedom to choose what he spends on. However he is forcing you into a worse position where you have no financial freedom. There could be all kinds of reasons for hiding his spending - maybe he has debts you don't know about, or a gambling problem he is hiding, or other things he thinks you'd disapprove of. Or maybe he's just a selfish spendthrift you indulges himself whilst you are going without.

You need to be assertive on this - I would be asking that you sit down together and work out all of the outgoings now and what they will be when the baby comes. Put all income together - deduct all outgoings and then with what is left decide on an amount that is fair for each of you to spend on incidentals with anything remaining being saved up in an account you both have access to.

If he doesn't want a joint account then he will have to accept that more of the bills may need to be moved to his account or he will need to send you a monthly top up into your account to make things fair.

You have a right to know what the family finances are and are as much a part of the partnership as he is, he doesn't get to just shut down the conversation and keep being financially abusive. If he really is as great as you say he is then him agreeing to the bills all coming off his account or sending you a payment every month really shouldn't be a problem for him. You might want to show him this thread so he can see that what he is currently doing is unfair.