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Original poster

WWYD - DPs income

93 replies

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 13:58

Hi All! Long time poster but name changed as this could be outing..

My DP is self employed, and works from home. He is also doing our house up. Because of this we agreed that I would keep the place running money-wise while he completed the house and did a little work to pay for the renovations (house is mortgage-free in his name, he bought it before we met).

Seven years later.... The house is not done. Not one room is complete. We do not have a plumbed in bathroom so fill baths etc. from the kitchen tap. There are bare floorboards (carpets ripped up years ago), holes in the ceilings, all sorts..

Just did DPs tax return and his annual income last year was only just higher than my monthly salary, and not for the first time.

How to I approach the subject of 'I'm sorry, you're not upholding your end of the bargain so I'm not going to be financially responsible any more'?

I love him and we get on well, but this is really starting to grate on me..

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 21/01/2020 14:00

What's he doing all day??!!!!

He needs to get an actual job and not a hobby job (which his "business" is if it doesn't pay enough to live on) and pay for someone to finish your house.

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:11

He is an artisan - I can't say more otherwise any one who knows us will know!
He doesn't want to pay people to do it (I have said this), he doesn't think anyone else will do a good enough job..

I am at my wits end.

OP posts:

Citygirl2019 · 21/01/2020 14:13

How much have you paid over the seven years to run the home?

My guess is if your been saving the 50% he should of contributed you'd have a fair deposit towards your own home.

I'm guessing you are not named on the deeds. I'd seriously be reviewing my situation in your position

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:16

No, not named on the deeds. I've covered all of the bills and food, which works out cheaper than just rent where we are, but now it is also vehicle MOTs and repairs, family gifts, meals out, basically anything and everything that costs money.

Yes I probably could have saved a deposit but our relationship isn't bad other than financially, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 21/01/2020 14:19

Well, like most skilled craftspeople I know he will have to take a paying job to finance his craft - it's extremely difficult to make enough to live on and that' sad, but you're bankrolling his lifestyle - what's in it for you?

And surely the point is that anyone could do a better job at doing up your house than him given that he's not doing it?

There's nothing wrong with feeling like it's worthwhile bankrolling someone else's happiness and life satisfaction if you can afford it, but it sounds like it's getting to you so something has to change or I think you need to get out before you end up hugely resenting the vast sums he's taken from you without contributing to your ability to be comfortable in your own home.

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:31

@sleepyhead yes, you are absolutely right - anyone could do it better because they would actually be doing it!

The relationship is what's in it for me, I enjoy his company and we get on better now than when we first met - I know that is rare so I wouldn't chuck it all in to start again and be unhappy.

I know I need to tell him but I don't know how, it is very delicate and he gets frustrated himself at how slow he works (he is a perfectionist to the point of OCD - eg; it takes him a full day to put up 2 wall times, he also shapes each one individually(unnecessarily)). We have plenty of work from his clients in the house, just none of it is finding it's way to the workshop.

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 21/01/2020 14:33

Could you give him a date to get the bathroom done by? If he doesn't meet that date you will get someone in. At least then he can prove himself capable or have to accept he is not doing what he said he would do, can look for work and you get at least one room done. I would have left ages ago tbh... It woukd wind me up so badly

Whynosnowyet · 21/01/2020 14:33

Does artisan =arse sitter?

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 21/01/2020 14:36

Christ.

How much money have you put towards the mortgage? I can't believe you have paid that amount of money into a property that isn't yours. It must be thousands of pounds. I can understand you doing it on a short term basis, it's nice to be nice and an updated property would benefit the both of you. But seven years?

I can't decide if you're a mug or if he is a freeloader.

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:37

@Gizlotsmum I've tried that. The more pressure he feels under the slower he goes. He doesn't handle any kind of stress well and I think he's taken on more than he can handle with the house. Unfortunately he won't accept any help from anyone, I'm not even trusted to paint a wall..!

I have discussed it with his mum, he doesn't know that. I just know that he will explode and get wound up if I bring it up 'again'.

I'd just like one room to be finished.. my DB and DSiL did their house in a few months.. (with tradesmen helping of course!)

@Whynosnowyet it seems that way..!

OP posts:

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:39

@SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic there is no mortgage on the house, he bought it outright, I've covered all of the bills/outgoings (just to be clear; bills are £450 pcm and food £350, that is still £200 a month less than rent in this area).

No I do not have my name on the deeds etc., but I am not with him for that - if I was paying a mortgage, well, I wouldn't be unless it was in my name.

I am a mug, I know that. I just want a god damn hot bath!!!

OP posts:

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 21/01/2020 14:40

Get your name on the deeds, send him to a residential therapy centre for a month and get the house done while he’s there.

Gizlotsmum · 21/01/2020 14:40

Would he agree to a date in the future which he felt was realistic (being he has had 7 years already that could be tricky). He needs to accept this isn't working... And tough luck if he gets stressed... He could get someone in and relieve the stress...

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 14:43

My DP is self employed, and works from home. He is also doing our house up.

Well, actually it seems he's not working, and he's not doing the house up!

Can you agree to take a week off work and crack on with the house alongside him?

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 14:45

Sorry, I see you say he "won't accept help from anyone".

I would get tough, honestly.

He can either let you help and get some jobs finished, or you will consider moving out.

I would, if I were you! OK, you get cheap rent but you are also paying 100% costs to live in a shithole...

Tartyflette · 21/01/2020 14:46

I appreciate it's his house -- but you are keeping him!
What would he do, how would he survive if you moved out, even temporarily (to give him a bit of a kick up the arse....) ?

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 21/01/2020 14:46

Ok if it's less than the rent you would otherwise pay, then that's doesn't sound like too bad a deal.

However, you're obviously really unhappy with the deal. I guess you need to think about what you want to happen. He's had 7 years and it doesn't seem like a lot has been achieved in that time.

Do you want to start putting your money towards your own property, while still contributing towards bills? What is the shortfall that DP needs to cover for that to happen?

Do you want to stop living in a building site, and DP to get builders in? How much money will DP need for that to happen? (Because you're not putting your hand in your pocket for a property you don't own).

Has DP progressed at all with his self employment? You could tackle it from this angle, that his time and effort is better spent building up the business and using the additional funds to pay people to do the work.

Good luck. But yes, you need to stop putting your hand in your pocket for stuff that isn't bills or your half of shared expenses.

Bluntness100 · 21/01/2020 14:46

It's not ok you're scared to raise this because he will explode.

He's taking the piss and is a lazy bastard. Artisan my arse. He's sitting about doing what he wants, when he wants and lettting you pay to keep him, for the privalge of living on his shit hole. It's been seven years.

I don't understand how you can say you get on well but on whay is fundamentally a critical issue in your life you're scared to raise it. Can you not see the disconnect there?

Sit him down and say you can't live like this anymore and want a solid plan of action. And that if he explodes and scares you then you both need to revisit the relationship.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 21/01/2020 14:47

Are you worried about bringing things up in case it leads to confrontation with him I'm general or mostly about this issue?

How are you with other people?

This seems like a hellish situation to tolerate for 7 years.

Tartyflette · 21/01/2020 14:48

Honestly I think I'd consider renting somewhere for a couple of months -- at least you'd have decent plumbing 😉

sleepyhead · 21/01/2020 14:49

Sadly you won't always feel like that. Eventually the frustration will turn to contempt and then the relationship will be dead.

It's not ok for you to be unhappy in order for him to remain in his comfort zone and it's not sustainable for you to accept all his quirks long term without some sort of accommodation to your needs. It may be that you need to live apart and with separate finances in order to continue to have a relationship - if he can't manage that then I don't know what the answer is .

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 14:49

It would be understandable if he was finding it hard to work on the house because he was overwhelmed with self-employment and clients.

But he's making no money.

So he needs to make progress on the house.

There really is no excuse on that. Either he is capable of doing it - in which case he needs to do it - or he is not capable of doing it, in which case he needs to do more paid work and get someone in to do it.

Original poster

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:50

Thank you everyone..
@SeasonallySnowyPeasant I do not want to be on the deeds - I do not want responsibility for the house (at present if I have to stop paying etc. for whatever reason it;s not my problem). He won't go for therapy! We have been there, that discussion did not go down well!
@Gizlotsmum I am going to try and suggest this again, he just sees it as pressure that he can't deal with. I think he has a mental problem that he won't admit to that causes a lot of this.
@NoSquirrels Yes, that is the problem. He does neither. Or both - the thing is, he does work, just painfully slowly. This doesn't bother me when it's work for clients, it does bother me when it's the house. He will work solid at something for a week, then get distracted and start on something else. Currently he is tired because he's not sleeping well, and so not in the right frame of mind. I offered to take leave last spring to get the garden done, but that never happened. The garden was also torn apart and is now a depressing weed-pit with cracked slabs all over the place. He does not want any help from anyone. I do not know why!

The whole thing is so depressing. I'm dreading the kitchen being done - I might say I'll move out when he does that and be back when it's finished, perhaps he'll do it quicker..

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 14:52

Can you schedule him?

I wonder if he has some sort of executive functioning issue e.g. ADHD.

You probably just have to become a broken record and pressure him.

He must know it is absolutely unreasonable of him.

sleepyhead · 21/01/2020 14:54

Actually, horrific procrastinator that I am, I probably know why he doesn't want any help from anyone. Once you accept help then you have a timescale and demands for action and a schedule of what needs to be done when.

Much more comfortable to be able to continually putting it off and telling yourself that you'll start tomorrow, you're not in the right headspace today, you'll do a better job if you just do these pointless busy work jobs first...

(And with that, I'll get off Mumsnet and back to some actual work )

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