WWYD - DPs income

[OriginalTaste]

Hi All! Long time poster but name changed as this could be outing..

My DP is self employed, and works from home. He is also doing our house up. Because of this we agreed that I would keep the place running money-wise while he completed the house and did a little work to pay for the renovations (house is mortgage-free in his name, he bought it before we met).

Seven years later.... The house is not done. Not one room is complete. We do not have a plumbed in bathroom so fill baths etc. from the kitchen tap. There are bare floorboards (carpets ripped up years ago), holes in the ceilings, all sorts..

Just did DPs tax return and his annual income last year was only just higher than my monthly salary, and not for the first time.

How to I approach the subject of 'I'm sorry, you're not upholding your end of the bargain so I'm not going to be financially responsible any more'?

I love him and we get on well, but this is really starting to grate on me..

He treats you like this, and yet you love him?
Forget therapy for him, get therapy for you.

He doesn't respect you and that's probably because you don't have any respect for yourself, otherwise you would have put a stop to this nonsense years ago. Throughout this thread you have made excuse after excuse for his behaviour but 7 years later nothing has changed. If he loved you, he would treat you with the respect and consideration you deserve, rather than treating you with utter contempt and laughing at you for paying all his bills for years and years, and keeping him and enabling his freeloading bulls*it. If the situation has not changed in 7 years, it will never change. You are better than this. Walk away and don't look back.

I don’t think OP will follow through to leave, how can you be treated like this and despite the support and advice given here she ‘gently tried to speak to him’ clearly she knows his response will be fuck off and she’s rather take the crap than reply right I’m off.

I can't leave straight away, even if I wanted to, as there is the need to save a deposit and all the expense that comes with renting (furniture etc.).
I want to help DP, I understand, from reading all of the replies here, that he is extremely unlikely to respond to any help, or go looking for it himself.
Yesterday I got home and he had been repairing a musical instrument. It means a lot to him, granted, but that's what weekends are for.
It has riled me and made me angry and pissed off. I was so fed up last night we hardly spoke.
I think seeing all of your comments has made me see yes I am a mug, I am continuing to be one.
Sadly I can't move to mums and commute (too far - 3 hours each way!) so instead I've said I'm cutting down to just getting the basics food wise and no treats/birthday gifts (his family have three coming up), fuel only in my car for work.. I should be able to put myself in a position to leave that way after two more pay days..
Thanks to you all for making me see, it's not about his income or what's getting done and what isn't, it's about how he feels about me and 'us'..

He spent time repairing a musical instrument after you talking to him? My dh can stick his head in the sand but this is is a new level.

Sounds a sensible plan @OriginalTaste - good luck. You always hope for a happier ending but sometimes you just have to say enough.

Well done, Original. He has the choice to earn more or do more. If he chooses not to you don’t have to enable that.

And please never again put yourself in a position where you have no money saved for yourself.

If it hasn't happened in seven years then you have to face up to either living like this for the rest of your life or making a different life for yourself. Don't worry about him, as you say he has earning ability he just chooses not to. If you aren't there to fund him he will choose to work rather than starve.

See if you can find lodgings for a few months, no need for a deposit or furniture etc while you save some money. There are some websites that specialise in week time lodgings, you could stay during the working week and head off to your Mum's at the weekend.

How's it going @OriginalTaste? Feel for you after reading the thread x

Are you still there or have you moved out?

I hope to god you leave the cocklodging bastard

Suggest moving somewhere affordable. How in hell's bells did he rope you into this. Has he got a workshop there,?
I've been in a similar situation

Did you solve this OP? Did you move out in the end or did he get his act together?
Sending hugs.

@OriginalTaste how did this turn out?

Wow that's so sad op I really hope you get your own home one day where you can be safe and warm and have a toilet and a bath.

I am from a family of artisans - they take pride in their WORK and the things they PRODUCE - your ex isn't an artisan, he's basically someone on the dole, but with your support rather than UC.
I'm sure he has a mental condition, but I'm not sure you should give up basic living
standards to provide him with a crutch for the rest of his life. What are you going to do when you are a pensioner and you can't go to the loo at work? Drive to a supermarket and use their loos everyday?

I don't think I'd be happy to carry on indefinitely with this arrangement as there seems to be no end in sight. You need to decide whether you are ok with this or not. Look ahead five ten years will you be happy that you decided to stay or would you wish you'd called it a day.

He doesn't want help from anyone ( ha, ha, ha)

But he is happy for YOU to work full time and pay ALL the bills & food
You are helping him 100 percent

You said, you wanted someone to go on holiday & enjoy life

You are stuck in an undesirable property & an undesirable relationship

Save up the deposit and rent somewhere else, end this relationship

You deserve so much more !

Why ?
Why ?
Why ?

I know that this message is posted some months after the original posting, but I nearly fell off my chair when I read the message thread.

I was in a relationship which had many similarities. Artisan; owns the house outright. He was a hoarder who didn't want to do up the house, really (suspect that your chap might be, too?). I suspect he doesn't want you to have a hold over the house, as it's worth money, is without a mortgage, and funds his lifestyle. He doesn't need to work, other than on his terms. It's a shame, really. He's not forced out of his comfort zone and you're on his territory. Probably he doesn't notice that he's living in a slum and he won't budge for you, I'm afraid.

Best to leave, although I know how hard that is. Trust me. Very painful. But sometimes we have to take painful decisions to recover. He's probably very charming and kind in lots of ways. Think about it this way: he's not really looking out for anyone but himself, and that might be harming your health (dustmites; dirt; lung problems). Like you, I had to start thinking through my position when I came to the sad conclusion that I had to have a comfy chair for an evening sit down when I came back from a difficult day at work, or to invite friends round. These days I appreciate the simple pleasure of a hot bath, and am so grateful to have it! I have also realised that, if I have a future significant relationship (this was a marriage), I need to be very up-front in what I need, even the basics, not in the interests of self, but in the interests of happiness and health.

I would appreciate knowing how you are doing. Remember that you have friends and family who are probably waiting in the wings to help you, when you say the word, because they have noticed what's going on. He is his own responsibility first and foremost and there is some truth to the assertion that people have got to want to change for themselves before they do.