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Original poster

WWYD - DPs income

93 replies

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 13:58

Hi All! Long time poster but name changed as this could be outing..

My DP is self employed, and works from home. He is also doing our house up. Because of this we agreed that I would keep the place running money-wise while he completed the house and did a little work to pay for the renovations (house is mortgage-free in his name, he bought it before we met).

Seven years later.... The house is not done. Not one room is complete. We do not have a plumbed in bathroom so fill baths etc. from the kitchen tap. There are bare floorboards (carpets ripped up years ago), holes in the ceilings, all sorts..

Just did DPs tax return and his annual income last year was only just higher than my monthly salary, and not for the first time.

How to I approach the subject of 'I'm sorry, you're not upholding your end of the bargain so I'm not going to be financially responsible any more'?

I love him and we get on well, but this is really starting to grate on me..

OP posts:
ToLiveInPeace · 21/01/2020 15:54

This sounds pretty awful... and it's also exactly what happened when a relative of mine with ADHD attempted to build a house. About 15 years on, it's a half-built ruin, falling apart already but never going to be finished.

You don't need it done to perfectionist-level, you just need it done. I don't know the answer but I'd be asking myself and him how long I could be expected to live this way. You deserve an easier life. Has he ever heard all at once the multiple ways it affects you?

PatriciaHolm · 21/01/2020 16:01

You don't have a partner, you have a temperamental child. Who you enable.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you really want from this thread. There is no way of solving this, as he simply doesn't care enough to keep you happy. He knows the situation and he's confident you aren't going to leave, so he doesn't care.

It does indeed sound like there are possible mental health issues involved, but he has to want to address those. His life is just fine thanks . Can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life?

SouthernComforts · 21/01/2020 16:28

The pair of you would drive me up the wall in real life.

He is a lazy workshy arsehole who thinks everyone else should fund his existence because he's such a special snowflake and you're an absolute doormat for doing it.

Move out and see how fast he manages to earn some money when he's got no food in the fridge.

makingmiracles · 21/01/2020 16:37

I think the crux of it is he is never going to finish the house, no good holding to the thin thread of hope he will, he hasn’t really progressed with it in 7 yrs so it’s highly unlikely it’ll ever be finished. The question is can you live like this forever? What happens if one of you falls into bad health or illness?

Maybe renting somewhere else whilst he sorts it out will be the kick up the Arse he needs, if not at least you’ll be somewhere that’s not ruining your mental health and social life.

Ifeelinclined · 21/01/2020 17:01

Why are you tolerating this, OP?? You don't deserve to love like this! Get some counseling and work on your self-esteem if necessary so you can work up the courage to leave. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing. Do you want to live this way the rest of your life? He is using you, then bullying you when you complain. This is sadly one of those situations that you can't fix alone. It sounds like he does have some mental health issues, but has no incentive to change as long as you enable him. You need to give him and ultimatum and then be prepared to follow through with it.

username9959 · 21/01/2020 17:20

@OriginalTaste why not write a letter or an email, no face to face confrontation but say how you feel - I’d get him to move to his mums, get all the work done whilst he’s not there and he can redo it strictly one piece at a time over the next 30 years whilst you enjoy not living like a camper.

username9959 · 21/01/2020 17:21

Writing it down works well with my dh, it’s time, it’s been too long. It’s definitely stressful living like that - 7 years, you must be amazing.

user3575796673 · 21/01/2020 17:27

So, if you won't leave, is your plan to live like this until the end of your days?

katy1213 · 21/01/2020 17:40

Rent somewhere for yourself. Even a bedsit with a functional bathroom will be a step up. And he'll have to crack on with paying work if you're not subbing his food/living costs. If you enjoy his company you can always see him on dates!

jay55 · 21/01/2020 17:48

You need a deadline after which he has to contribute his half the bills and food. He has to agree that house done or not he will start to contribute financially at that point.

Fivetillmidnight · 21/01/2020 18:07

Then if you really do love him as much as you say, AND he is t taking you for a ride... then he won't have any problem at all, trotting off to the registry office and signing a marriage or civil partnership certificate will he ?

Because the thing is this ... ALL his time and money has gone on HIS investment, whilst all yours has gone.. never to return. YOU have funded HIM to build his investment. It doesn't matter if it's renovated or not, property IN REASES in price, there's a 'return' .. there is absolutely NO return on the electricity and food bills !!

SallyLovesCheese · 21/01/2020 18:45

You work full time and you still did HIS tax return?!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/01/2020 20:52

I do not want to leave him though.

The whole scenario makes me wonder if he wants OP to go. I see the later post which says he'd just tell her to bog off anyway.

I could reasonably assume he's trying to drive her out by making her home a shit tip. Cowardly but easy.

Original poster
OriginalTaste · 22/01/2020 09:41

Thanks for all of your replies.

I did bring it up, gently, several times last night. It just fell on deaf ears. There is no point in me giving him a timeline, or a deadline. It won't work and I feel he would miss it on purpose. I had a heart to heart with my mum today and I am going to give myself a timeline, if things haven't moved on by then he will get my ultimatum. Realistically a bathroom can be done in a week, so I will tell him he has two (it is all plumbed in, just not tiled/floored and no appliances hung, so unusable). After that time I will shift off to my mums for a month. If he gets things (more than one!) done in that month then fine, if not I have a months worth of salary to get my own place.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly your post has really struck a chord; maybe he does want rid of me, but doesn't want to say it because he's living so bloody comfortably!!

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 22/01/2020 10:13

Sorry I hit that chord, Original. It's not a nice thing to consider, and I hope you can resolve this in a way that makes you happy.

PragmaticWench · 22/01/2020 10:47

I think you might feel more positive having a plan in your mind, and might focus more on what you need to alleviate your own health issues, rather than on his issues.

JKScot4 · 22/01/2020 10:54

Why gently? He’s not a fragile little child ffs
I’m sorry but this is why he walks all over you, stop pandering to him, it’s quite pathetic that you live like this.

HelloYouTwo · 22/01/2020 10:56

I’d move out into your own place whilst not ending the relationship. So just have your own places with your own bills which you pay for yourselves. Meet up for date nights. Let him stay over at yours very very occasionally. Don’t give him a key. Never ever stay at his house. Don’t subsidise him at all. He’ll soon find the energy to do more work if he has to fund himself. If he doesn’t bother with his house, that’s up to him.

HelloYouTwo · 22/01/2020 10:58

You do know that if he gets stuff done when you’re not there, he won’t carry on once you’re back? And if he can get stuff done, why has it taken so long?? He doesn’t care about you or your health or your feelings.

Honestly, dial it back to separate household and fun times together. This guy is no good as a live in partner because he doesn’t step up to his responsibilities as partner while you fulfil all your part.

Ariela · 22/01/2020 11:00

@OriginalTaste
Can you organise with work to take a semi-sabbatical and go part time for 3 months or something at a quiet time of year for work? Then present it to your DP as 'work is quiet so my hours are reduced to 2.5/3 days', and you can then help with the house DIY stuff while he works more?

username9959 · 22/01/2020 11:21

that seems sensible @OriginalTaste, whatever the reasons he's doing what he's doing, you can't go on living like that and you can't make him seek help. It's time to protect your own health.

I'm not sure why you're waiting though - why not go to your mums now and see whether he gets a working bathroom done? He's absolutely not listening to you.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2020 12:00

Sounds fair enough, Original. A deadline for yourself is a good idea.

I would also take it back to separate living places. He'll have every opportunity to step up.

He really is being extremely selfish, no matter what his justifications, preferences or difficulties. And that's not a good thing in a life partner. I wouldn't want to have no say at all over my living environment in the long term, regardless of anything else.

MaybeDoctor · 22/01/2020 12:22

I think that some people actually like living in a state of non-completion, because if they did complete a treasured project it would never quite match up to their dreams/aspirations.

Fine if it's a painting or a sculpture. Not so fine if it's the place where you actually need to live.

I think the advice to move out and just date him is good. But whatever you do, don't let him move in to your place!

username9959 · 22/01/2020 13:34

sometimes with anxiety there's a bulge after completing something where you fret about the things you got wrong and re-question every decision - all of that as it is, you can't force someone to address their MH you can only look after your own.

Sadik · 22/01/2020 13:46

I know three men in almost identical set ups, one of whom is on his second paying paying partner. From what I've seen, I'd suggest you have two choices:

  1. Accept this is how your life is. This is what he wants to do with his life, and you won't change it. Your choice is to accept things as they are, and make your peace with it, or not.
  2. Leave.