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Original poster

WWYD - DPs income

93 replies

OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 13:58

Hi All! Long time poster but name changed as this could be outing..

My DP is self employed, and works from home. He is also doing our house up. Because of this we agreed that I would keep the place running money-wise while he completed the house and did a little work to pay for the renovations (house is mortgage-free in his name, he bought it before we met).

Seven years later.... The house is not done. Not one room is complete. We do not have a plumbed in bathroom so fill baths etc. from the kitchen tap. There are bare floorboards (carpets ripped up years ago), holes in the ceilings, all sorts..

Just did DPs tax return and his annual income last year was only just higher than my monthly salary, and not for the first time.

How to I approach the subject of 'I'm sorry, you're not upholding your end of the bargain so I'm not going to be financially responsible any more'?

I love him and we get on well, but this is really starting to grate on me..

OP posts:
Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 14:57

@SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic I don't need to put money towards a property. I am in a lucky position with regards family property so that doesn't concern me. I would like to get a new car, go on holidays and treat myself to new clothes as and when I see them. In the position we are in with no mortgage, and with my income, I should be able to do this. DPs earning potential is £5k per month, though even just £1k would be a help!

He would not ever get builders in. We had builders rebuild a wall in the garden that he is not happy with and wants to re-do.

@Bluntness100 perhaps scared is the wrong phrase. I just don't want to argue. I have a chronic illness that is worsened by stress and this horrific guilt complex if I upset people - that is my issue but it makes me wary about raising difficult topics - I've always been like this.

I do feel like I plaster on a smile for other people. The situation is understandably getting to me. I am embarrassed to have people round, so much so my mum hasn't been to the house in years (I go to hers instead).

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caringcarer · 21/01/2020 14:58

Tackle it now before resentment builds up and you stop loving him. He is in a rut and needs shifting out of it. Tell him you can't go on without a proper bathroom. Tell him it is making you feel depressed. Give him option of doing it himself or getting someone in to do it. Suggest he goes out to work either at his skill or any job to pay for work on bathroom. Tell him you can't live like this anymore and suggest you move out and into rental accommodation until his house is finished. If need be you could rent and still date him. Perhaps he will appreciate you more when you are not there to pick up all of his bills. You are enabling him to do nothing.

flirtygirl · 21/01/2020 14:58

Op 1 year, 2 at a stretch but why have you let this go on for 7 years??

Be clear with him, you will no longer finance this pace of work or any work as you will start saving to afford a done house. He needs to work for money and work on the house weekends and evenings or pay people to complete jobs. He either completes the house within the next 6 to 12 months or you walk away.

Also you need to have a percentage of ownership transferred to you to show your input for 7 years, I'd work out the proportion of the house value you have subbed him for over the last 7 years. This is to protect you if you split up.

You need to woman up and if he doesn't agree to compromise on the work or money and/or your ownership of a proportion, then you need to move on.

You say you have a good relationship otherwise but do you know if he actually thinks and feels the same way? Many women (and men) have thought that and been blindsided and left high and dry.

Frenchw1fe · 21/01/2020 15:00

He may have motivational depression. My db has it and I sometimes think I do too. I have lots of projects in my head but I literally sit wasting time rather than forging ahead. If so he needs to see a gp( as do I).

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 15:04

You are enabling him to do nothing.

If you have a chronic illness worsened by stress, I cannot imagine it is sensible for you to keep living in a situation that sounds... stressful.

Bite the bullet.

If he's a good partner he should want to make you happy. And if that means he needs to push himself out of his comfort zone, and see someone to help with his issues, or put up with a builder, then that's what he should do.

You're making yourself low-level miserable (and ruining your financial future too) bankrolling him to do nothing.

flirtygirl · 21/01/2020 15:04

It doesn't matter what he has, if he can't do it then he needs to allow it to be done and get done in another way. He's is being selfish now.

A reasonable amount of time is fine but this length of time pushing it over into pure selfishness. He cares more for himself doing some work extremely slowly than he does for the comfort of the op.

Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 15:05

@NoSquirrels no, I wish I could! The more he is pressured the less he does.. I don;t know about ADHD, I suspect there is something there underlying everything, but he's in his 40s and never looked into anything, so I don't think he would now (and even then it might just be used as an excuse).

@sleepyhead I think you've hit the nail on the head!

@caringcarer he would call my bluff and end the relationship - he is the type to cut his nose off. And then I would worry myself sick about him!

@flirtygirl he is incredibly loving, affectionate and thoughtful. His view is it is his house (our home) that he will do up in his own unique way. I initially thought the bathroom, at a push, would take 6 months and was mentally prepared for this. I was not expecting to be looking forward to a shower at the gym, or having to 'wait' until I was at work or out to use the loo for unmentionables. I am not interested in a proportionate (or any) interest in the property. But you are right, I do need to give him some kind of ultimatum with regards getting the house finished (or at least let me help!)..

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NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 15:07

he is incredibly loving, affectionate and thoughtful

well, apparently he's not loving enough or thoughtful enough to consider your needs... and would split up with you if you disagree too much?

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 21/01/2020 15:09

"DH I'd like us to sit down and talk about the renovations. Sunday would be good for me, how about you?"

Unless he's really dim he must know he's taking the piss.

Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 15:10

@NoSquirrels He would just say if I'm that unhappy I should leave - he would ask me not to and promise to get things done but then we'd be back at square one..
@Frenchw1fe It could very well be, but he would never admit anything. He has health anxiety which I now ignore/don't mention as it creates more reasons to not to do things.

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JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:10

In your shoes I’d sit him down and pre warn him you won’t accept ‘exploding temper’, be very frank and tell him that 7 years without a functioning bath/living in a mess is damaging your health; physically & mentally. If he doesn’t finish the bathroom in 4wks you will be leaving and taking your financial support with you. You are funding his laziness, no way would anyone choose to live like this!

Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 15:11

@TheOrigRightsofwomen Yes, it should be that simple shouldn't it..!

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Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 15:13

@JKScot4 I know that's what I should do. I do not want to leave him though. Although I do recognise that maybe I might need to, for his good as much as mine.. I sometimes consider going part time and saying I had to, so he would have to do more and I would be at home more to 'help'

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:13

OP
Why are you so worried about his reaction?
This isn’t a loving caring partner, he’s using you to fund him and doesn’t give a guck about you and your comfort, you’re not his mother to be worrying about him if you leave!
Christ woman have some pride, unable you shit in your own home, what a joke! Your bar is very low 🙄

LawsonsSnow · 21/01/2020 15:14

I enjoy his company and we get on better now than when we first met

I should imagine he is less stressed, due to not working.

I just know that he will explode and get wound up if I bring it up 'again'

He is keeping you bobbing along, not questioning him.

Or rather you are keeping him.

None of this is fair OP.

JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:15

*to shit not you
You don’t want to leave him? I’m struggling to find any reason to stay with this shiftless lazy selfish get!

JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:16

Also, he obviously worked enough to buy his house but no need to now that he’s got you shoring him up 🙄

LawsonsSnow · 21/01/2020 15:17

I doubt very much he would want you to go part time. You would be in his way, with less money.

skiptheskip · 21/01/2020 15:21

He's mugged you off for 7 years.

He's not an "artisan", he's a wanker.

He doesn't have a 'job', he doesn't "work from home", his annual income is the same as your monthly income.

Face it - You are basically funding his life to enable him to have a full time hobby.

He knows you don't want to leave, he's a master manipulator and I guarantee you're going to end up funding the full refurb - after which point he'll end things or you'll catch him shagging someone else and you'll be out on your ear and won't have a pot to piss in.

Original poster
OriginalTaste · 21/01/2020 15:25

He didn't work for the house, it was inheritance...

He wouldn't want me to go part time, no. We have a very comfortable life (building site aside). He just can't see how much nicer it would be if we both worked, and had a working bathroom and actual flooring down.

@skiptheskip yes, I am funding his life, and letting him not work. But I don't know what option (other than walking out) I have? I can't not pay the bills or buy the food..

I just don't feel he is upholding his end of the bargain and is letting me down hugely

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JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:26

@skiptheskip
I was trying to be reasonably restrained
he’s a wanker 🤣🤣
A true artisan would have a beautiful home, not a ramshackle shit tip.

JKScot4 · 21/01/2020 15:28

Ultimatum followed by WALK OUT.
Up your standards and stop being a doormat to this using arsehole.
Why are you so scared of leaving him? No good points outweigh his selfish disrespect for you, your friends and family probably are mystified by your behaviour.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 15:28

Have the talk, be ruthlessly honest.

Let him say "if you're that unhappy, you should leave."

Tell him "I do not want to leave, I just want a functioning bathroom and for you to uphold your end of the bargain."

Be clear - "it feels to me that you do not consider my needs".

Leave plenty of silence.

Be prepared to leave if you need to.

If he cares about you he will sort himself out.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 15:31

I don't know what option (other than walking out) I have? I can't not pay the bills or buy the food.

You can actually refuse to pay the bills or buy the food - you are not required by law to feed him, and the house is in his name, so you are in effect just a lodger. Lodgers don't have the bills in their name or buy their landlords food.

You could agree to pay him "rent" instead. But at market rate for what you're getting ... and as it is substandard accommodation that won't be too much...

skiptheskip · 21/01/2020 15:48

I just know that he will explode and get wound up if I bring it up 'again'

He won't go for therapy! We have been there, that discussion did not go down well!

he's in his 40s and never looked into anything, so I don't think he would now (and even then it might just be used as an excuse).

he would call my bluff and end the relationship - he is the type to cut his nose off.

He would just say if I'm that unhappy I should leave

The answers are right there ^

^You can't talk to him because he'll explode, he won't go for counselling, he'll make excuses, he'll end the relationship, he won't compromise.

His response will be - "if you're not happy then leave".^

Time to put up or shut up.

Shit in your toilet at work because you haven't got a functioning loo at home, or get off the pot.