WWYD - Dp suddenly and unexpectedly seriously ill and reliant on me financially

[DevilAvocado]

We had been going out 18 months when we moved in together. Dp had a v good job and had been in it for 5 years. 3 months after he moved in with me, the owners of his company changed and they sacked him. He was busy fighting it through tribunal when he started getting sick. The GP wrote it off as IBS and he even had one trip to A and E in complete agony where they sent him away.

He was on his way to a job interview when he collapsed unconscious in the street. The a and e consultant told me they saw people with blood results twice as good as dp's who died and to call all his dcs and prepare for the worst. He was operated on (bowel obstructions and acute pancreatitis). Against all odds, he pulled through but he is still not well.

So here we are today. It's now a year since Dp had a job. He is completely financially reliant on me. He has no savings left and his only asset is the house he owns with exw - he has agreed with her that it will be sold this year and his equity will be put in our joint account.

The doctors have warned he could get sick again. In the meantime, because he's unable to do a lot, he's still v tired and his pancreas is not sorted, he's put on a lot of weight. I don't care about that from a fancy him point of view but the problem is it makes his condition worse. He has promised that from
now on, he's going to go to gym and make an effort with his health but the near death experience has taken him a long time to get over.

I do believe all if that - but what worries me is the financial implication of this all. I hope he gets better but the reality is he may not and what happens if I have to keep paying for him? In his mind, the equity from the house sale will compensate me (and it is a big sum) but there's no certainty that the house will sell or when that will be. And Dp is not someone who is that careful with money.

Wwyd in my shoes. I do love him btw but I feel had we been married 20 years I wouldn't even be pondering this but because this is still a relatively new relationship, it's all a bit more tricky.

I didn't move in until we were married, and once we were married I really meant the "in sickness and in health" bit, so I would stick with him no matter what.

But after 18 months, would I have been prepared to marry him? Hmmm. Tricky.

I think you either commit to him or don't. If you see yourselves together forever then I think you just accept that this is your joint life now, and you live within your means as best you can. If not, then I think you have to break up with him, it's not fair to stay only half committed.

But others probably see it differently, that's just my perspective

Thanks doyouremembertheinnMiranda. I kind of feel the same way and it's useful to hear your thoughts - we've been seeing each other 2.5 yrs now but he has been seriously unwell for almost a year of that. It's tricky - I do love him and I think if the roles were reversed, I would be devastated if my partner kicked me into touch at this point. I guess this wasn't what I was expecting but then again, it could happen to anyone.

I take it he has no critical illness insurance or anything like that?

Is he entitled to any benefits as he's unable to work?

Do you actually want to be with him and accept that this is how it is? Or do you feel trapped and that you'd be the bad guy if you end things now?

I've got to be honest, after just over 2 years I wouldn't be signing up for this.... especially with someone who you've said is not that careful with money.

Can he not look for jobs working from home?

Would you be ok with his illness if he was helping bring money in? Or do you think you want to get out as you don’t fancy the prospect of a future with a sick man?

No judgement by the way? I think I’d be wondering about my future.

There's a complicated equation going on in your head at the mo which factors in sunk costs, financial debts, efforts made, love etc - with a side of "if the situation was reversed would do things differently with regard to trying my hardest to get better and not waste money" but it all boils down to - is this the man you see a future with. The man in front of you now, who is happy to spend your money and not in a considered way.

It really depends on how much you love him and the level of commitment you have towards each other. Would he do the same for you?
Imho, there is no measuring stick where this many or that many years into a relationship full support is expected/required. It’s up to you.
I don’t know what I would do because I’m not his partner or in your relationship.
I will tell you that I supported my partner for 18months while he was processing a visa that would allow him to work. I never thought about asking him to compensate me or pay me back any money though. I viewed my income as our income.

I think the main issue here is the not that careful with money trait.
Has he acknowledged that he no longer has the income he was used to and is unlikely to again?
Or is he continuing to live and spend as if his old lifestyle will return?
Is the house equity money all owed to you at this point? So your ongoing living expenses will be funded by you with no future income from him?
Or is there a portion you should be entitled to and he could invest and live off the rest?
It is really hard even within a twenty year relationship for adults to adapt to having to compromise on spending/lifestyle when they previously could make their own decisions based on their own income.
I have dropped income a lot in the past, a combination of spending less and some financial input from my DH has got me through. But I am fiscally conservative and don't expect/ask him to cover household bills while I spend on unnecessary things for myself. He doesn't begrudge me anything but it would be wrong for me to live a more extravagant lifestyle then him when he is part funding it.
That's the key to not building resentment. If you can't holiday/buy clothes/upgrade tech but he is then it can't last.

Where are posters seeing that the OPs partner has wasted money and is responsible for pancreatitis?
Unless her partner is an alcoholic, he did could not have caused pancreatitis through lack of taking care of his health.

Yes I am wondering about my future. Thanks, these are all really useful questions. In a way, the last 9 months were a blur as I didn't think he was going to make it and it was so upsetting and stressful. But I suppose now it looks like he will, it's just brought all these questions to a fore.

He is trying to start up some work from home but so far hasn't managed to do much. He's still very tired.

Would he do the same for me? That's a very good question. I would hope he would. I think what this has shown me is his different attitude to money to me which wasn't apparent when we were both earning. He is the type where money burns a hole in his pocket. His phone bill is higher, he has a nicer phone etc etc he just generally spends more.

But yes, I do think he's the man I want to spend my life with - it's just a different life than what I thought a year ago.

Does he not receive any sickness benefits if he can’t work?

It’s not what you signed up for but you are not married and I think like a pp says, it depends how much love and commitment you have towards him.

What is your life likely to look like if you stay together and do you want to live like that?

What a rotten situation. You only have one life, if, for all the reasons you have stated, this situation is only offering you a very poor second best, I would recommend you move on - you are not married. My sister was in a similar situation, after five years it broke her own health.

I do agree you have to have a conversation about budgeting and reducing day to day costs. When we decided to emigrate back to my home country, we had no idea the visa for him to work would take so long. We believed the website with the 90day processing time. What a joke. We both were equally frugal and careful because our income was easily half what it was before. I hate debt and did not want to just live the same lifestyle and accrue debt. My partner was more than willing to be frugal.

Is he claiming any sort of PIP?

Why isn’t he receiving any benefits?

How old are his kids?

What is actually stopping him from working now ? You say The doctors have warned he could get sick again which indicates that he is not ill at the moment but that he "might" in the future. I'd say that perhaps he'd benefit from some counselling to get past his fear of falling sick again. Plenty of people have a near-death experience and then go back to work ( me included ). Sorry but this inability to work could end up being a lifetime situation , with you having to support him.

He should be claiming benefits esa, pip. If not needs to do this ASAP.
Perhaps counselling would help one or both of you. Serious illness needs to be processed.
You probably need a sit down and go through money and make a plan. Maybe look at a benefits calculator as part of this.
As someone who has been through sudden illness which now means I'll never be able to work again I understand the difficulties if after the above you are still unhappy illness or not you may want to separate as I wouldn't want a partner to stay with me because I'm ill.

Why did he not go home to live with his parents.
Why did he just assume you would financially support him
If I had been him ,I would not of assumed a partner of 18 months would support me ,that’s early days in a relationship,and your not even married.

Could he not buy a small flat for himself and claim benefits? Removes the financial pressure on you and you can continue your relationship.

Why has he a better phone ,when your paying for it?
Why is he not careful with money ,when your earning it .
Sorry ,I think he’s using you
I think you haven’t had a chance to get to know each other properly before he was ill ,and you have been left with no choice but to support him.
He could of gone back to live in his house with his ex wife and kids ,.i think that’s what he should of done ,he is not your responsibility
He’s also slow to start working and earning again ...I expect he’s in no rush to earn ,while you meet all his financial needs .
I don’t think he’s being fair to you op

What happened with the tribunal after he was sacked?

He should claim contributions based ESA asap as it will depend on NI contributions paid in the last 2-3 years so the longer he leaves it, the more likely he is not to qualify. PIP may or may not be appropriate, it isn't dependent on his illness or but rather how it affects him.

What does he feel about it all and relying on you financially?

has he changed his spending habits at all?

I think you need a long hard chat about this now that the worse is over as this isnt sustainable

What was the tribunal outcome?
Is he claiming benefits? Is he too sick to work now ?