WWYD - Dp suddenly and unexpectedly seriously ill and reliant on me financially

[DevilAvocado]

We had been going out 18 months when we moved in together. Dp had a v good job and had been in it for 5 years. 3 months after he moved in with me, the owners of his company changed and they sacked him. He was busy fighting it through tribunal when he started getting sick. The GP wrote it off as IBS and he even had one trip to A and E in complete agony where they sent him away.

He was on his way to a job interview when he collapsed unconscious in the street. The a and e consultant told me they saw people with blood results twice as good as dp's who died and to call all his dcs and prepare for the worst. He was operated on (bowel obstructions and acute pancreatitis). Against all odds, he pulled through but he is still not well.

So here we are today. It's now a year since Dp had a job. He is completely financially reliant on me. He has no savings left and his only asset is the house he owns with exw - he has agreed with her that it will be sold this year and his equity will be put in our joint account.

The doctors have warned he could get sick again. In the meantime, because he's unable to do a lot, he's still v tired and his pancreas is not sorted, he's put on a lot of weight. I don't care about that from a fancy him point of view but the problem is it makes his condition worse. He has promised that from
now on, he's going to go to gym and make an effort with his health but the near death experience has taken him a long time to get over.

I do believe all if that - but what worries me is the financial implication of this all. I hope he gets better but the reality is he may not and what happens if I have to keep paying for him? In his mind, the equity from the house sale will compensate me (and it is a big sum) but there's no certainty that the house will sell or when that will be. And Dp is not someone who is that careful with money.

Wwyd in my shoes. I do love him btw but I feel had we been married 20 years I wouldn't even be pondering this but because this is still a relatively new relationship, it's all a bit more tricky.

I would be starting proceedings against the GP and A&E dept.

Dp is terminally ill because doctors not only missed all the signs of bowel cancer but dismissed him as talking nonsense when he asked if his symptoms were bowel cancer.

Are you now covering his mortgage and child support?

Gosh

I wouldn't stay with a man who can't face facts and who can't handle money

He should have applied for benefits and he should drastically curtail his spending.

In addition He should get a full and in depth understanding of his health and not think 'it's fine' because let's be honest - it isn't at all

When you Add in the illness I'm afraid , after such a short relationship and his unfortunate failings with money - he'd have to go (end relationship) because it won't work for you long term imo

"He isn't claiming benefits because he totally 100% believes he will be back at work soon"

That would piss me off. He rather depend on you then claim the money he is entitled too.

Just as a side note, the general consensus regarding tribunals is that it's really not worth taking an ex-employer to court due to cost, stress & likelihood of getting an outcome.

OP is painting a picture of a man with a lot of denial in his life: inability to face up to job loss, illness & finances.

These things do not make a life partner, sorry OP.

I think you need to put a timescale on this & see what happens when you ask him to take action.

Unfortunately at the moment you are enabling him.

Your update didn't make him come across any better, OP.

If anything, he sounds like he has his head in the clouds, no concept of the reality of his future, and he's full of promises that he can't deliver.

I hope you're not contributing to his mortgage and bills now his savings have run out.

*And yes I would accept if he proposed smile. He can be a fool but he is the kindest, most caring man I know.
Fair enough. But I am baffled then that you have started a thread about him then?

So plan of action is needed, you need to talk

You need to actual have an informed chat about benefits and how and when you can claim them. The only way to gain correct information about this is to visit cab and get some really decent advise and use the Internet

You can’t claim housing benefit unless your state retirement age, living in temporary accommodation or special needs

Council tax reduction if on low income is a possibility?

Pip you need to get advice

ESA contribution based possibly

ESA possibly

You can’t bury your head in the sand and ignore this, as it’s a bit like burning a £5 note everyday...which is foolish

Once his house is sold, you need to think very carefully about the capital. If he isn’t going to have you in his will then don’t buy a property with him as ultimately it could leave you in a predicament

I understand completely what’s going on with his health, I have a close family member who has been through exactly the same - 9 months on and he still isn’t back on his feet, still having operations, blockages etc etc.

He part owns the company he works for so financially has been a bit better off, so his partner has only had to deal with the stress of the frankly very frightening situation with his health. He spent 5 months in hospital and is only just slowly being able to take an interest business again.

What it sounds like to me is that while you are partnering him, he is not partnering you - and he has no incentive to do so while you are footing the bill. I agree that you are enabling him. I’m also doubtful that the house equity will come to you. He should be claiming benefits - I bet an extra £400 a month could help ease things. His is excuse for not doing so is crappy and thoughtless, he would rather you shouldered the financial burden on the promise of a lump sum in the future rather than try and contribute what he can. Sounds like a Ponzi scheme! I can imagine him never getting another job and it being everyone else’s fault, and not wanting to claim unemployment benefits because they will expect him to look for a job.

This is a window into your future with him OP - the resentment comes across loud and clear in your post and it will only grow.

pancreatitis is dangerous and there is no cure for it

Pancreatitis is indeed dangerous but that isn't exactly true about there being "no cure".

OP you say he has acute pancreatitis but it sounds more like chronic pancreatitis? Acute pancreatitis is generally short term and you can recover from it as long as doctors are able to identify and treat the cause (most commonly gallstones/gall bladder issues).

Many years I had acute pancreatitis and was taken to A&E. It's a long, appalling story of misdiagnosis (both private and NHS) before I ended up in A&E where they wanted to send me home at 5am because they didn't know what was wrong with me. Thank God a consultant overheard the nurse doing this and stepped in. I was later told that if I'd gone home, I would have been dead within a few hours. It was a terrifying experience, especially when I was alone.

They eventually worked out it was acute pancreatitis (caused by gallstones), although part of my pancreas had started digesting itself by this point so permanent damage was done. I was in hospital for 2 weeks and off work for several months. Eventually I was well enough to be operated on and have my gall bladder removed (although the surgery has complications so I was in there for 5 hours and now have a big scar from open surgery).

The whole episode was terrifying, especially as I was alone (had split up with my boyfriend a few months earlier). When I first came home from hospital, I was scared being on my own at night in case it happened again. So I do understand your DP's fear and the pain he goes through. BUT....the difference is that I got my act together. I changed my lifestyle completely and lost lots of weight by eating very heathily. I know it's different for everyone but usually unless it's chronic pancreatitis due to alcohol abuse, you do recover. Yes you may have to make some lifestyle changes but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Wow @HundredMilesAnHour

Serious respect

So are you paying his child maintenance and mortgage now?

Ultimately, you have to forget about what you have paid up till now - presumably you were happy to do it at the time. It was a gift, he valued it and it cannot be taken back.

The future is a different story. You could cease supporting him tomorrow if you wished. He would be forced to make other arrangements.

What I would say to you is to remember that ultimately he is a single man. He agreed to end his marriage where his wife would have reasonably been obliged to provide this support. It is sheer good fortune that he found you at the right time, yet he owes you no obligation whatsoever. If he died tomorrow you would have no legal recognition.

He is able not to claim benefits because you are supporting him. He's unwell enough not to work but not unwell enough to claim benefits? Fuck that.

He's behaving like a cock lodger, albeit one in poor health.

Tell him he needs to get on benefits till he finds work. He is entitled to them

He isn't claiming benefits because he totally 100% believes he will be back at work soon and in the meantime, when the house money comes through, that will effectively plug the gap (in his eyes

This is bonkers. Yes it is a tough (ish) process making a claim, UC and if not eligible PIP, but it is worth a try. Especially when the alternative is your partner if 18m bearing the financial load or selling the house your kids live in.

And especially given the house / finance circumstances and his uncertain health.

How did the tribunal turn out?

Sorry OP, I think he is not facing up to reality. If you would marry him I assume this is in the understanding that he might never earn another penny? And you might be financially responsible for him and his taste in phones for the rest of his and your life.

Does he have a pension? How was that treated in the divorce settlement?

You need to sit him down and explain it to him in black and white. If he doesn't agree to claim/rein in his spending, he's using you.

@DevilAvocado
This sounds scarily like a situation i had a few years ago.
here is what i would do now (hindsight is amazing):

Was he sacked or made redundant? if sacked - why? if redundancy - what sort of pay off did he get?
Who is paying the child support now? if you are, stop.
Get that house sold as a matter of urgency.
Why have you got a joint account? he is benefiting from you.
get him to apply for benefits. they may even backdate them.
if he wont, why?
Talk to his exw, ask her what she would do.

that'll do for now, i am probably jaded my my experience.
my ex got very sick, mystery illness. i nursed him for three years.
i had a stroke. he said "i didn't sign up for this" and walked out after emptying the joint bank account.

of course your DP is lovely, you have taken all responsibility away from him. you have a fully grown, fully dependent child.

Ultimately, you have to forget about what you have paid up till now - presumably you were happy to do it at the time. It was a gift, he valued it and it cannot be taken back

This is probably the best piece of advice on this thread. I think the loan may be clouding your judgement here.

If you did view it as a gift and weren't expecting a penny back, would you still be with him?

Why has his ex-wife agreed to sell the house now? What’s in it for her when presumably she is living in it with four children? How old are the dc?

Just wondering if that is a firm agreement or if the house is to be sold one day/when the dc are 18? What does the financial settlement from the divorce say?

I'm really sorry to hear about his illness, that sounds dreadful

I am wondering what he would do if you weren't in the picture and how he pays for his expensive phone etc.

I know of someone who wasn't married to her DP. He fell very ill with a condition which required long term care. She sold their home and now lives in a bedsit so he can live in a better quality residential place. She is okay with that because she was in it for better or worse, together 20 years or something, but in a new relationship, I can't lie - I'd be advising a friend to move on.

I'm guessing he can't claim benefits because you are classified as his partner?

I just think potentially the strain on you is immense. It's hard enough to do for someone who has contributed to your life and so on for years and years. but for a new man?

PS I would also ask to see paper evidence of the divorce tbh. it's become absolutely standard to lie about this sadly.

You need to talk finances you have no option. He needs to be claiming benefits while he’s not working, again there Is no option. He has 4 dc and needs to be able to pay living costs for himself, again no option.

You want to be in a relationship with a man, your peer and equal, who can see his current circumstances and proceed accordingly. He’s got health problems but he hasn’t lost capacity to be a grown up has he.

You are already being amazing and supportive but don’t let it carry on because you will end up supporting him and his family financially and being long term care for him if he can’t return to work and that’s a lot to ask of someone who’s been married 25 yrs never mind only had a year before illness took over.

Your partner's health crisis was a devastating misfortune, but his reluctance to face financial reality is is a serious flaw in a potential life partner. He sounds like a modern day Mr Micawber-remember how that worked out for Mrs Micawber?

Have you encouraged him to claim any benefits he is entitled to? How does he react to frank discussions about finances? If I were you I would get the agreement that you will be paid back from the house sale in writing, including an acknowledgement from the ex wife that should the worst happen (God forbid he die from complications during another OP etc) that the amount you are owed would still be owed to you from the proceeds of the sale...