WWYD - Dp suddenly and unexpectedly seriously ill and reliant on me financially

[DevilAvocado]

We had been going out 18 months when we moved in together. Dp had a v good job and had been in it for 5 years. 3 months after he moved in with me, the owners of his company changed and they sacked him. He was busy fighting it through tribunal when he started getting sick. The GP wrote it off as IBS and he even had one trip to A and E in complete agony where they sent him away.

He was on his way to a job interview when he collapsed unconscious in the street. The a and e consultant told me they saw people with blood results twice as good as dp's who died and to call all his dcs and prepare for the worst. He was operated on (bowel obstructions and acute pancreatitis). Against all odds, he pulled through but he is still not well.

So here we are today. It's now a year since Dp had a job. He is completely financially reliant on me. He has no savings left and his only asset is the house he owns with exw - he has agreed with her that it will be sold this year and his equity will be put in our joint account.

The doctors have warned he could get sick again. In the meantime, because he's unable to do a lot, he's still v tired and his pancreas is not sorted, he's put on a lot of weight. I don't care about that from a fancy him point of view but the problem is it makes his condition worse. He has promised that from
now on, he's going to go to gym and make an effort with his health but the near death experience has taken him a long time to get over.

I do believe all if that - but what worries me is the financial implication of this all. I hope he gets better but the reality is he may not and what happens if I have to keep paying for him? In his mind, the equity from the house sale will compensate me (and it is a big sum) but there's no certainty that the house will sell or when that will be. And Dp is not someone who is that careful with money.

Wwyd in my shoes. I do love him btw but I feel had we been married 20 years I wouldn't even be pondering this but because this is still a relatively new relationship, it's all a bit more tricky.

Good point. Legally if he doesn’t have a will, his children will inherit the money. You need proper legal advice on that. Also what are the guarantees she would ever sell the house in that scenario?

Is he one of those people for whom nothing is his fault, and when life isn't smooth, he does little to mitigate the situation?
Not his fault he lost his job. (maybe)
Spends beyond his means.
Doesn't eat well, although this certainly impacts his recovery.
Ditto with exercise (is he even just getting out for a short walk)?
At his age he should have a network of contacts to help with future employment. If not, he could at least be planning for when he's well enough to work. Updating CV etc.

Undoubtedly he's had a horrible time, but is he genuinely trying to improve the future, or is he being passive, or acting like a victim?

I'd be interested in whether his ex wife is surprised by his current attitude, or whether she has seen similar (but in smaller ways) over the years.

It sounds like nothing much will change in the next year, so at least if you decide this is what you want, you know what's on offer.

While anyone can have an accident or a serious illness, it's the person's attitude and how well your values are aligned that's probably most important.
If you were ill, do you think you'd have broadly acted the same, or done things differently e.g. reduced your outgoings, been more proactive about a healthy diet?

“You can’t claim housing benefit unless your state retirement age, living in temporary accommodation or special needs” where on earth did you get that utter nonsense from?!

Also cab are shite on benefits (are you a cab advisor?)

Best for benefits advice ime are your local councils welfare advice office that’s who I use every time for claims and reviews, I’ve just moved from DLA to pip and got the pip without a f2f assessment.

In terms of the pancreatitis gall bladder issues and alcohol are the most common causes but there is also the genetic type which afflicts people who are otherwise fit and healthy and it comes out the clear blue sky! This has been the case for a few of my relatives on one side of my family, it’s often missed because they’re not alcoholics, fat, poor diet etc so they don’t fit the “typical” presentation of a patient with pancreatitis.

It's completely reasonable for you to view his different attitude to money and the lack of financial partnership here as a deal breaker, irrespective of his health situation, sad though that is. It sounds as though his attitude towards money was being masked early on in the relationship by the fact he was earning well.

You may live together but he's not acting like he's part of a 'team'. He hasn't taken the most basic steps to help your joint financial situation (claiming benefits), and he is allowing you to fund his life without reducing his spending, or giving you the protection of any future claim on his assets should he die or you split up. I am not surprised you sound resentful. I can't believe that you haven't had a conversation about this!

The more I think about this, the more I think that he has been pretty irresponsible.

He chose to conceive a family that is significantly larger than average.

He divorced, with all the upheaval and consequences that entails.
He was sacked - what part did he play in that?

Yet he would rather sell his children's home and be supported by a woman who is not his wife than go through the embarrassment and hassle of claiming state benefits?

The message I would take from that is that his pride comes first.

I think you need to work out a scenario that you would find acceptable (him living within his means / claiming benefits) and if he is up for it. If not, you’ve got your answer.

I wouldn’t like this whole him putting the house sale proceeds into the joint account. It’s like he can make a one off payment for unlimited time / spending. I would rather he kept it and you worked out how much of a contribution you would need from him per month (and also a lump sum to cover the last year). He can then see for himself how far his money will go.
What about your house and will? Will he expect a claim on your finances?
What pension provision does he have, and when does it kick in?
There are a lot of big questions and decisions.
By the way, when I had known my DH for 2.5 years, we’d already been married nearly 2 years, so I think the time thing doesn’t so much matter as the fact you are questioning all this and feel it’s a relatively new relationship.

He should be claiming benefits, because even if he isn't awarded much money. He should have his National Insurance 'stamp' paid which goes towards state pension & other benefits & help to find a job

How is he going to pay for 4 children if he isn't working ?

I would give a month to sign on at job centre or no support from him

Why are you so keen to support/rescue him
?

He can apply for UC online here www.gov.uk

A month - or no support from you !

I know this is a money forum and not relationships, but can I just say, fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd be out quicker than I could disentangle a joint account with someone I wasn't married too .

You only have to put up with the temporary guilt you need to assuage to get out of this shitstorm and in return you'll rescue the rest of your life as a carer to a man who makes shitty decisions.

Get him to apply for new style ESA ASAP. It's not means tested. He can ask for it to be backdated for up to three months (assuming he was ill during this period). If his clam starts in 2019 then he will be assessed based on the NI conts in 2016/17 and 17/18 tax years. If his claim starts in 2020 it will be the 17/18 and 18/19 tax years.

Not a huge amount of money but it will help.

That sounds like a great plan MiniMum, hopefully he'll be able to do that.

To get new style ESA the will have needed to have made sufficient National Insurance contributions over past two years

Graphista I don't know where you live but my local Citizens Advice is great on benefits and there is no such thing as a local council welfare office - the the borough council is one of the biggest funders of the CA.

I'm in the west of Scotland now where there's no citizens advice here anyway.

But I've actually tried cab on the subject in several other locations around the uk and every time the advice was not just inadequate but outright wrong and on one occasion could have landed me in trouble!

Which council are you that they have no welfare rights office? Again my experience is they all have one, sometimes the name is slightly different. They're usually part of the social services dept. All the ones I've dealt with (again several different councils) have been spot on with their advice and guidance and even helped me with appealing dwp decisions.

He needs to start the benefit ball moving, assuming it is the same with a large amount of people (especially with PIP) he might not get it for another 2 years, once he has been refused, appealed, been refused again and go to tribunal.

If it is not needed he can cancel the process but its not an easy and simple thing to get, no matter how much your illness impacts your life

Oh, OP I have had the same kind of crap as your DP...bowel obstructions from adhesions after other emergency surgery..still getting ongoing symptoms..

We had small DC and are married, my DH is self employed and it has hit us both, I do get PIP and ESA now (but also have a MH condition) it is not easy to claim unfortunately, I had to appeal even with the consultants letters etc.

I feel for you both, it is horribly painful and stressful think I have a kind of PTSD after it too.

a man who makes shitty decisions

this kind of thing is bit harsh. No-one chooses to have horrible and life threatening stuff like this man has.

Benefits and work site good for PIP / ESA

What would he do if he wasn’t in a relationship with you? He should do that.

If I were you I’d be running a mile.