WWYD - Dp suddenly and unexpectedly seriously ill and reliant on me financially

[DevilAvocado]

We had been going out 18 months when we moved in together. Dp had a v good job and had been in it for 5 years. 3 months after he moved in with me, the owners of his company changed and they sacked him. He was busy fighting it through tribunal when he started getting sick. The GP wrote it off as IBS and he even had one trip to A and E in complete agony where they sent him away.

He was on his way to a job interview when he collapsed unconscious in the street. The a and e consultant told me they saw people with blood results twice as good as dp's who died and to call all his dcs and prepare for the worst. He was operated on (bowel obstructions and acute pancreatitis). Against all odds, he pulled through but he is still not well.

So here we are today. It's now a year since Dp had a job. He is completely financially reliant on me. He has no savings left and his only asset is the house he owns with exw - he has agreed with her that it will be sold this year and his equity will be put in our joint account.

The doctors have warned he could get sick again. In the meantime, because he's unable to do a lot, he's still v tired and his pancreas is not sorted, he's put on a lot of weight. I don't care about that from a fancy him point of view but the problem is it makes his condition worse. He has promised that from
now on, he's going to go to gym and make an effort with his health but the near death experience has taken him a long time to get over.

I do believe all if that - but what worries me is the financial implication of this all. I hope he gets better but the reality is he may not and what happens if I have to keep paying for him? In his mind, the equity from the house sale will compensate me (and it is a big sum) but there's no certainty that the house will sell or when that will be. And Dp is not someone who is that careful with money.

Wwyd in my shoes. I do love him btw but I feel had we been married 20 years I wouldn't even be pondering this but because this is still a relatively new relationship, it's all a bit more tricky.

You need a frank discussions about money, finances and cutting his cloth accordingly now tbh.

If he can't live within his means (stat sick pay??) then what is your future like?

Has he put it in his will that the money from the house goes to you? Worst case scenario and he died are you compensated?
Sounds like you could do with some professional help to work through all these things. Without honest conversations resentment will accumulate.
Hope he feels better soon

The resentment and doubt have already started. I would be ending it.

He isn't ill now though is he OP, he's just tired. I've worked with a couple of people who have suffered with this, they've both had a few weeks off and then come back to work.

You say you think that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, the "think" is very telling.

The illness I could probably deal with but the wreck less attitude to money, well I'd have to ask him to leave but that might stop you from getting the money you are owed.

Is there any sort of loan agreement in place?

Is he actually divorced? Was there a financial settlement at the time?

It seems very vague about why he suddenly lost his job, OP.

And he's not making good decisions about his food intake which is in turn affecting his recovery?

And he's spent all of his savings..........

I'd have less qualms about supporting someone who was doing everything in their power to make their life better.

If he proposed tomorrow would you say yes?

Do you rent, mortgage or own

What figure are we talking from the house sale £50k £100k £200k bracket?

Sorry to answer with more questions and obviously ignore if you choose not to answer

Sorry I was out all day!

Dp is genuinely ill, it isn't just tiredness. He may need another operation - we will find out in a few weeks. They are trying to get to the bottom of the blockages as those can be fatal on their own. It's not alcohol driven pancreatitis but pancreatitis is dangerous and there is no cure for it - when he gets the attacks, it's a drip and pain relief and that's it.

He isn't claiming benefits because he totally 100% believes he will be back at work soon and in the meantime, when the house money comes through, that will effectively plug the gap (in his eyes).

Reading your questions and thinking about it further I think there are 2 issues - 1 is that he seems not to grasp the seriousness of his health situation at the moment. He's one of those 'it will all be fine' men - before he collapsed, he had been to the GP once in the last 5 years so he is not used to being unwell. And because of 1 he is carrying on as if the future will be fine whereas I am thinking of the worst case scenario. And I think that is what is probably bothering me the most.

He is definitely divorced. Me and his exw actually get on quite well. He has 4 dcs and in the divorce settlement they agreed he would get 50% of the equity and he's continued to pay 50% of the bills/mortgage. The reason he doesn't have any savings other than the house is that he barely had any disposable income after paying rent for himself, child maintenance for 4 dcs and half the mortgage on his house (I pass no judgement on that, it's just a fact and an explanation as to why he doesn't have money put aside). I'm not his beneficiary in the will - exw is because of the mortgage and that can't change till the house is sold as I understand it.

His parents are dead btw (we are both late 40s/early 50s). In fact his dad died at a similar age to his age now and they are looking to see if there might actually be some sort of genetic condition that may have lay undiagnosed.

Sorry I may have not answered everyone's questions. plan I think I am v similar to you and your attitude to the visa. I am a big planner and like to know that if there is going to be an issue ahead that I'm prepared financially. I think that's made me realise how I need to sit Dp down and explain this. I want to prepare for the worst, he wants to prepare for the best and we need an honest discussion about what both options might mean.

And yes I would accept if he proposed :). He can be a fool but he is the kindest, most caring man I know.

(I mean before the stomach issue started occurring he hadn't been to the GP for ages)

He should have been claiming benefits long before now. A year is FAR too long & I wonder why you have put up with this for so long?

He hasn't worked for a full year, so I'm assuming he has not contributed during this time either?

Does he contribute in other ways eg online food shop, household tasks/admin?

Sorry to hear about this.

Is he fully sharing the household chores/admin/DIY burden as much as he can or are you shouldering most of it? What about driving etc?

That's insane. Do you realise how much he's missing out on by not claiming ESA and PIP?
Insist he does it, that's what benefits are there for. It's very selfish of him not to. Not just for you but he has 4 kids!

Makemelarge is correct, why hasn’t he been claiming contribution benefits which aren’t means tested? Why hasn’t he sort advice on this from welfare at either council or cab

It’s fine for him to live on savings or in your house but he needs to be claiming money he’s entitled to, otherwise it’s unfair on you

It doesn't matter that he thinks he will be able to get a job he needs to claim sickness benefit for your sake and not leave it all on your shoulders. You need to sit down and discuss finances because you could end up resentful of the situation. Yes he's ill but he needs to be less selfish and grow up a bit.

I think you need a chat about what he’s entitled to. From what you’ve written he sounds a lovely man

What is your housing situation like? I’d be concerned he’d just fritter away his bouse equity and then there would be nothing again and he’d be relying on you. At least if he had enough to pay off your mortgage or but a place for the two of you that would be something more solid.

It seems like there's still uncertainty over his future health, which may be giving him an excuse for inaction.

I understand not claiming benefits in such a situation. Benefits for jobseekers are very demanding nowadays, he'd be expected to basically treat looking for work like a full-time job itself. And sickness benefits interrogate the heck out of you and I reckon would probably deny him for something that's still not fully diagnosed and has been uncertain.

He may need another operation - we will find out in a few weeks.

I would say encourage him to make a decision after this. If he feels he can work now, he needs to start applying for appropriate jobs. It might mean a change of career or part-time hours. If he feels he can't work, it's about time he applied for appropriate benefits.

Also encourage him to reduce his expenses, though I know that can be easier said than done. Some people get stubbornly set in their ways.

He really can't rely on the house equity for living expenses. That could easily disappear in a few years or less if he's not got any income. Especially if he supports his children reasonably rather than paying the bare legal minimum.

Oh, and if you think he's a spendthrift then make sure he can't spend your money or run up debts you'll have to pay!

PS: I'm guessing the employment tribunal are saying they've found against him because he didn't fight his case (because he was damn near dying in hospital!) If that's happened, is it possible to appeal.

Also, it might seem distasteful but needs must, has he or you considered making a medical negligence claim? From what you've said there were multiple opportunities to spot his condition before it reached a critical point.

Time for a sit down with a budget talk.
He is relying on the house sale to pay you back and it may not sell that easily.
Budget for what you have now, not what is anticipated.
Then if the house sells it is a bonus.

He needs to be told that he needs to start claiming sick benefits. It is what these things are there for.
Without the illness, he would be called a cock-lodger.

Relying on the house is ridiculous.
There's no saying it will sell soon
There's no saying the day the funds come through, he dumps your ass.

Yea I know he's tired. Yea I know he's had a near-death experience and needs more surgery. You would be surprised how many are in the same, or worse situations and they are still dragging their asses off to work because it's not financially viable.

I would give him three option -
Claim the benefits
Get a job
Go and leech off someone else.

Staying inactive isn't going to help him. He could volunteer to get his energy built up in preparation for going back into paid employment and claim PIP and/or ESA.

So what is happening with mortgage payments and child maintenance at the moment?

What a difficult situation.
Could he find some sort of part-time home -based job, even if it is only minimum wage, so that at least he is bringing some money in? I do understand that it's very hard to be looking for work when he feels so tired and unwell, it's not the same as negotiating reduced hours or adjustments in an existing job.

“He isn't claiming benefits because he totally 100% believes he will be back at work soon and in the meantime, when the house money comes through, that will effectively plug the gap (in his eyes).”

He needs to get real!

He’s not earning currently and is very unlikely to be earning enough to live on for some time yet.

The pancreas never really recovers once it’s suffered due to illness or injury it’s also an incredibly tricky organ re transplant. Few pancreatitis sufferers are suitable for transplantation as the causes of pancreatitis are rarely purely pancreas issues but actually part of a systemic issue.

He needs to get his finger out and apply for any benefits he is eligible for because it takes time for claims to be processed but if he is eligible it’s not only the direct disability benefits which help but all the associated stuff which helps - eg free prescriptions, medical supplies, transport discounted passes, you may get help for housing benefit and you’d also get a council tax reduction.

“they are looking to see if there might actually be some sort of genetic condition that may have lay undiagnosed.” More common than people realise with the pancreas.

“I understand not claiming benefits in such a situation. Benefits for jobseekers are very demanding nowadays, he'd be expected to basically treat looking for work like a full-time job itself. And sickness benefits interrogate the heck out of you and I reckon would probably deny him for something that's still not fully diagnosed and has been uncertain.” I disagree - speaking as someone on disability benefits and who’s gained a lot of experience regarding them. For something like this with clear, physical, proven symptoms and outcomes it’s likely to be easier for him than it is for many others.

He’s ill fair enough but it’s not acceptable of him to expect you to completely support him financially with zero from anywhere else when he may well be eligible.

He also needs to review his spending if it’s excessive. Renegotiate contracts if possible, get rid of any unnecessary luxuries, reduce spending generally.

If he’s a flash phone that’s near end of contract once the contracts up he needs to go on sim only deal which can be as little as £7.50 a month but he keeps the phone - he doesn’t need a new phone. Tv & internet package can be reviewed etc

Basically all the usual advice for cutting a budget but mainly he needs to accept he’s not in the financial position he was!

Coming from a very practical if not harsh point of view op

If the bottom line is you quietly have reservations about potentially being his long time carer and supporting him in every way.
If you are think to yourself I'm not sure I want this, but feel awful about
Thinking this, how about he took his equity and set himself up somewhere else?

You didn't sign up for this, it's not anyones fault, and you shouldn't quietly maybe feel forced to do it, because of how it might look if you don't want to.

You are entitled to have a life how you want it, this isnt a long term marriage or years together, it's a fairly short one that's been interrupted by something awful for him. Harsh as it may seem, there is nothing to say you now have to accept this
His equity could be your get out jail free card, otherwise you could be left in another kind of jail, when it runs out.

OP, you aren't married? If he dies without a will, you will not see a penny of the equity. I'm sorry to be so blunt but he is expecting you to support him, without the benefit of a wedding ring.

If he is entitled to appeal his case or get benefits, he should be doing that. Unless he is happy to rely on you to pay for everything?