Am I mean, £1200 per month?

[hardwork4]

So, me and my partner are regularly arguing about money.

I am the main earner in our household, so I pay the mortgage, house insurance, life insurance, utilities, council tax, netflix, internet and both car insurance and tax. Basically all the bills. I also pay for any car repairs, holidays & house maintenance.

My partner has a low income of £800 a month from DLA, Child benefit and careers allowance. I also put £400 a month in to their bank account. Bringing it up to £1200 per month.

From that they have to pay for their mobile bill (£30pm), petrol, clothes, hair, nails and household groceries for use two and our autistic child.

My partner thinks this is not possible, but in my opinion a lot of people have no where near that much left after mortgage, etc and that should be manageable.

I'm actually quite offended that their unhappy and moaning at me, I cant help feel they are ungrateful. I want us to be able to save for unexpected bills, our future and pay off some debts, so am worried about money.

Am I being unrealistic in how far I think the money should go?

If you remove the DLA from the equation the partner gets approximately £720 a month to cover food, petrol (could be excessive with a child with autism), phone - all these are bills not personal spends. It's entirely possible that the op also has expensive tastes and drinks a £40 bottle of whiskey a week which would be included in groceries. It's possible that the partner ends up with only personal spends of £10 a month after all costs are taken out of the money she receives. It's possible she's bad at budgeting but it's also possible that the op is mean.

It also wouldn't be unusual if the DLA didn't cover all the additional costs associated with a disabled child so the partner would need to fund that from the money as well.

I wonder whose the £25k debt is andwhat it is for

The op is written is such a biased fashion i can’t help thinking that it must be his, otherwise he would have no doubt specified that his spendthrift dp spent it on hot tubs, eyelash extensions and swan butties

Doubt he will be back to elaborate tbh he hasn’t exactly made himself look great

Your obviously not happy at hearing the opposite of what you wanted as you are mostly glossing over any question and have since disappeared from the thread.

Either your a team or your not and if your not then move out so she can have control over her own income

With a disabled child and one parent being a full time carer I think joint account is going to be the fairest way of doing things. How about each month you and DP each keep £400 in personal account for personal mobiles, clothes and hobbies, rest of your income and benefits goes into joint account to cover bills, food, petrol, child's clothes and other family costs. Any left over in joint account at the end of the month goes into family savings for holidays and things.

I'm not saying you'll end up with less spending money this way, you might end up with more. But it makes much more sense for the stay at home parent to have access to the bill account so they can organise tradespeople etc, and for family costs like food to be coming out of a family account rather than trying to weigh up him paying the rent and garage Vs her paying the groceries and petrol.

Depending on the source of the debt, and you'll need to discuss this together, you might also agree a set amount each month to go towards paying it down to be taken off your income before paying into joint account.

Hiding gender is so tiresome - it often reduces the readability of a post (you get to ‘they’ and think - uh? Who’s the other person I missed?) and frankly it’s offensive to us reading that you don’t trust our responses.

And - it’s bloody pointless if you’re going to talk about nails which makes it very very very likely the SAHP is female. Plus, you know... number of men vs women carrying the can for full time of autistic child?

I don’t know whether you, OP, are female or male - but funnily enough that has fuck all to do with my answer

IMO Your girlfriend should have weighed up her previous benefits situation. She’s lost by moving in with you. That’s hard for her to adjust, but it was her choice and she shouldn’t be better off than you now, even if she’s worse off than she was.

I actually think it’s fine to put DLA and carer’s allowance into one pot. I look at “where are we as a family” not “which penny was provided via what means”.

So after all income is pooled, and bills paid, I’d expect you to have equal spends.

I would count as a “bill” all child costs. Clothes, classes, and yes - any additional cost due to autism - sensory rooms, therapies, hospital appointment parking. That all comes out as a bill before the even split.

Now, this £25K debt. That depends whose that is. If it was run up by one person, then it doesn’t get paid as a bill - it gets paid from the debtors spends. Because effectively the debtor drew their spends in advance. Otherwise, it’s a joint bill.

It’s really very simple - everything into a pot, deduct bills and if affordable joint savings, split the rest.

When I was with my XH (we didn’t split over money!) the only bills that we put under spends, were those that varied widely for one partner. He wanted a £500pcm fancy lease car, I bought my 10yo Fiesta outright. Similarly different insurance - spends. I did pay half of the most expensive Sky package having never watched even basic TV, but that was my choice and there’s only so far I’ll take the detail when I love someone! (he ate more than me too 🤣)

mrsm43s
Your splitting of the money sounds as if it could be off to me. Fine for an nt child perhaps. Ops partner has £800 in benefits to look after a disabled child. This money needs to be ring fenced specifically to look after the child. Being disabled is incredibly expensive. That money or a large proportion should be used for disability care, not £333 with £666 to be handed over to share between the adults.

The op is written is such a biased fashion i can’t help thinking that it must be his, otherwise he would have no doubt specified that his spendthrift dp spent it on hot tubs, eyelash extensions and swan butties

Ooh can't be a nice swan butty

If I could spend £300 a month on food I'd be made up.

Nails £20 every other week.

How much does her hair cost monthly?

@Mummyoflittledragon but isn't DLA paid to the family, with a lot of it intended to compensate for the lost earnings of the care providing parent, and the extra household costs? I don't know, I can't see £800 worth of direct costs that would be needed to provide for an autistic child, although I can see that when including indirect costs (i.e. loss of earnings/more expensive food bills/more repairs needed in the house/specialised holiday accommodation needed etc etc) it would be well in excess of £800, but most of those costs would be borne by the household budget. I would think that £333 would cover an awful lot of extra clothes, trips and activities each month. If there is a specific need (i.e the full £800 spent on SEN therapy sessions etc) then of course that should be covered,and everything else adjusted accordingly, but in general I think that the DLA can't be seen in isolation from the rest of the household money, and a lot of it will need to cover additional costs to the household.

Before we got together my partner had a lot more support through tax credits, income support, housing, etc. But all this stopped when we moved in together, which hasn't been easy.

Going by op's post his/her partner already had a child before they got together.

What isn't clear though is whether or not that child is the autistic one op refers to as 'theirs' or whether they had another child together.

I don't think op is male.

Interesting everyone saying income should be pooled. We have always had very separate finances and paid equal contributions to a joint account for household expenses. At times we have each earned more or less than the other, and have very different hobby related expenses (the better half spends £850 a month on their hobby).

I think if a man chooses to live with a single parent then he should meet the shortfall of what she'd lose and they should then split that money equally. Otherwise the only person gaining is the man. The woman and child will be much worse off.
You are being tight and trying to keep the money separate as you think you're doing a massive favour giving 100 a week 'spending money'. You'd pay much more for an escort to provide you with sexual services. The DLA is for the child and nothing to do with your partner's living costs.

I'm actually quite offended that their unhappy and moaning at me, I cant help feel they are ungrateful.

You actually think you're doing them a favour don't you. Wow.

The financial communication here is crap. I don't think it's necessarily the case that money always has to be pooled, though I suspect it would be the best way here, but what sings out is that neither of you seem to have the full picture OP. There's a disabled child in the family and 25k of debt, poor communication is not a luxury either of you can afford. Also, the DLA is not her income. And how did you manage to run up that level of debt?

Before we got together my partner had a lot more support through tax credits, income support, housing, etc. But all this stopped when we moved in together, which hasn't been easy.

So the 'state' was paying her before, and now you're pissed off that you have to pick up (some) of that? If you love her and her child - which I assume is not yours - then crack on being a decent partner. If not, then you are using her for sex, companionship and household chores and you should be paying far far more than £400 a month.

Tosser

Genuinely cannot believe some of the comments on here.

1200 a month is plenty. If she is that aggrieved - get a job. Obviously this becomes hard if she has kids to care for but this is life.

What was she 'earning' before?
I also hate using the term earning because it isn't earning, it's governmental support.

If she didn't have you, she would also have rent and bills to pay, NO WAY was she on enough before to live the same lifestyle.

So yes she should be grateful.

And the hiding of the gender!!?????????????? Not using gender pronouns might be necessary in this case based on preferences or respect - stop reading so much into it.

Seems like a lot of scorned women on here.

Basically, the money you have left each month is for a rainy day. It's the support you may need to fall on, it'll also be used to pay any extra bills or holidays and all presents. I genuinely don't believe she has anything to argue on.

I am a full time working woman, when I come home and do the laundry and clean the house and cook my dinner, do I expect to be paid? no. Because it's a life chore. It's not going to go away.

She would literally be doing the same without you but have one less meal (doubling up portions isn't hard) and maybe a tiny bit extra cleaning but not that noticeable when there's kids.

I find this whole brigade hilarious. £1200 NET is what some people live on with bills full stop - she is lucky.

The £1200 income when all bills are paid is a bit of a spin really. £800 of that is DLA, child benefit (for which you are probably over the threshold but not sure if that counts if you aren't the father - if that's is the father paying maintenance?). With some child care and extras that really isn't much and if nails and hair help your partner stay sane then I've no beef with that as looking after a disabled child takes its toll.

You haven't said what is left after support for the child is paid for or how much the additional support costs. It's simplistic in the circumstances to expect your partner to just get a job.

I imagine there's between £300 to £500 left to cover groceries and personal expenditure. What do you have left for personal spends after essential expenses. I don't count holidays and big christmas's and birthdays as essential. Your debt is but I don't think it's unrealistic to save a aet amount regularly to fund emergencies (boiler, car repairs, washing machine, etc) to avoid tanking up more debt at those times.

Sounds as though you were both better off living apart which is sad but I suspect the benefits of that would be short term for both.

We have never had a joint account. When I stopped working and only had child benefit (which was spent on DC) I bought what we needed and put receipts (or a note) in a box on the sideboard. On the last Sunday of the month we added them up and DH wrote a cheque. He never once questioned what had been spent. I am not the last of the big spenders but with groceries, petrol, haircuts (me and the dc), clothes, towels, the odd lunch out, children's party presents, school trips, swimming, football, ballet, etc, it was about £900pcm in 2003. I went back to work in 2003 and dh started giving me £500pcm for groceries a d bkts and pieces because that's when the school fees kicked in which paid in full along with mortgage, council tax, utilities, cars, household repairs etc. Back then without a disabled child I had about £1100 to play with, including non school related activities and personal expenditure. I didn't have much left.

DH was the investor and saver (although I"ve always had a bit of personal money to play with). Back then he earnt twice what you are earning at least. Having equal spends never bothered me - probably because he didn't spend much although he used to worry about the unfairness of hime spending £1200 on a suit, two shirts and a pair of shoes but his profession required that standard and it wasn't discretionary except that many did it much more expensively.

Are you mean - yes I think you are both financially and emotionally because you should have an open approach to incomings and outgoings over which you have ownership, transparency and fairness.

She hasn't got £1200 a month though helloworld. A chunk of that is DLA and thus not hers to play with. OP has also been quite clear that it is unfeasible for her to work due to the child's autism.

I think the top and bottom of this is that OP sees the only contribution in relationships, after getting sex, as financial. So the woman is not bringing much, but what is for her child should be taken into account as her spending money and therefore reduce the amount she should receive from the man. The man was happy when he got sex but the state paid for his partner, but now he is having to live with her it doesn't seem a fair split, because he doesn't want to keep her despite her being in that position before he met her.
The truth is she would have been MUCH better off before, whereas OP would have been about the same.
100 pound a week is less than most stay at home parents get in housekeeping. I wonder if he would be so quick to moan had the child been his, or not disabled.
Disgusting attitude, entitled, misogynist and tight.
I bet she's having second thoughts. I hope she didn't give up a council house because that would have been a mistake.

Miladamermalada

Agree with you

Totally disagree with Miladamermalada. That post is so full of misogynist stereotypes, it's really sad that some women still think like this.

The issue comes to only one thing: what does she spend the money on. Surely if she is complaining that she doesn't have enough, she needs to justify why. You mention hair and nail, not sure whether that was to make a point that you think she is spending her money on frivolous things or she is really spending a lot of the money on these things.

The bottom line is if the DLA is going on private therapy for the child, communication devices, special equipment that she can't get on the NHS, and the rest goes on petrol to take him to appointment etc... then it is possible that she indeed doesn't have much disposable income at the end.

If however, the issue is that she is a spender and has expensive taste, only buy designer clothes for herself and child, at the hairdresser every month, buying loads of beauty products, out for lunch with friends every other day etc... then clearly she needs to accept that she can't afford that lifestyle.

Without knowing which one it is, it is impossible to say whether she is reasonable or not.

OP You haven't given anywhere near enough information for any of us to more than broadly surmise what the finisncial situation is. So it's a bit pointless.

You could be being unreasonable, 'they' could be being unreasonable, or both of you could in different ways.

Not sure why you have written things in such a cagey way unless you are trying to only reveal some things and not the full picture.

You mention hair and nail, not sure whether that was to make a point that you think she is spending her money on frivolous things or she is really spending a lot of the money on these things.
But likely he likes her doing these things because he finds them attractive. So it's mutually beneficial.

You haven’t mention who pays for your child’s clothes and activities OP? That alone for us amounts to over £200 for 2 under 4s.

We are a family of 6 (3 adults, a teen and 2 toddlers) sometimes eight (two teens) Our monthly grocery bill is £600 a month- usually it comes to about £120 a week to feed us all, £150 odd if SSs stay as we buy extra treats and then household and a couple of bottles of wine/a crate of beer a week is included in that. So the mind boggles as to why people think 2 adults and a child need £100 a week to eat.

I get my hair blown weekly at the cost of £15, so call it £60. It’s another £80 every 6 weeks for colour so call it £100 odd a month. Nails and lashes every two weeks at £40 so that’s £80 a month.

Me and DH get Our wages paid into a joint account. Once all bills, savings, debt payments etc are paid off what ever is left is split 50/50.

The mind boggles as to why anyone does it any differently

You need to add in day to day costs. So kids clubs/entertainment.

Where did the debt come from?

I vote put all cash in one shared
Account then divy it out for exact use. Then have the same amount each for spends (nails) - say200 each. Also a separate spends allocation for the kids.