Am I mean, £1200 per month?

[hardwork4]

So, me and my partner are regularly arguing about money.

I am the main earner in our household, so I pay the mortgage, house insurance, life insurance, utilities, council tax, netflix, internet and both car insurance and tax. Basically all the bills. I also pay for any car repairs, holidays & house maintenance.

My partner has a low income of £800 a month from DLA, Child benefit and careers allowance. I also put £400 a month in to their bank account. Bringing it up to £1200 per month.

From that they have to pay for their mobile bill (£30pm), petrol, clothes, hair, nails and household groceries for use two and our autistic child.

My partner thinks this is not possible, but in my opinion a lot of people have no where near that much left after mortgage, etc and that should be manageable.

I'm actually quite offended that their unhappy and moaning at me, I cant help feel they are ungrateful. I want us to be able to save for unexpected bills, our future and pay off some debts, so am worried about money.

Am I being unrealistic in how far I think the money should go?

Sounds like your partner is taking the absolute piss!

£1200 a month to pay a couple of bills and food??!

I have £1200, £700 of that is rent. Then the rest on bills and food.

Tell them to be grateful.

Do a joint budget that includes everything you both spend money on regularly. That's the only way to agree what is reasonable.

My DH and I have done this for years, as it's the only fair way to ensure we have roughly the same 'spare' personal money.

The fact that you can account for your spend. Ask your partner to do the same. That's fair. You should have equal amounts and definitely should try for more than min CC payment each month

Explain that you need a buffer as self employed.

It sounds like neither of you is being completely upfront with the other partner and so you are both left feeling resentful.

Draw up a proper detailed budget together covering absolutely everything you are spending money on including haircuts, beauty treatments, food, kids expenses and clothing and then look at what you've got leftover. You both need to be completely honest with each other for this to work.

As you're self employed it would make far more sense to ensure your credit card debt is paid off in full so aim to pay it off ASAP and then set a credit card budget and pay it each month in full.

Also, you really should set aside a sensible amount for savings to cover emergencies and sickness. Absolutely essential when you're self employed.

If you can't talk openly and honestly about basic issues such as finances, your relationship is going to continue to struggle.

**Sounds like your partner is taking the absolute piss!

£1200 a month to pay a couple of bills and food??!

I have £1200, £700 of that is rent. Then the rest on bills and food.**

^I completely agree. You OH is taking you for a fool.

You need to set up separate accounts

Bills account - all bills
Savings account
Variable house hold account - clothes shoes school trips - etc

It's hard because in my head we need say August - school uniforms
September onwards thinking of Christmas -
Road tax

So one offs that add up and not in a monthly budget

Get her involved in the accounts and what goes where rather than set amounts each month because you both currently have different priorities

I bring a child up on less than 1200 a month before housing and bills.
Doesn’t sound like things are tight!

Nevertheless all money should be pooled, bills deducted and then split.

Your partner doesn't have £1200 though really. If it's your DC's DLA, that's money for their quality of life not, your food bill. So your partner has carers plus £400 top up for family food bill and living like clothes and socialising. I'd imagine that the majority of that money is absorbed by the food bill. Leaving your partner with less than £100 in an average month.

Well if she is having nails done (£30 a go every 3 weeks or less) and you are in debt is that wise first of all.

So after all your expenses you have roughly £600 to £1100 pound that's "yours" every month (excluding trips or unexpected repairs etc)

How much is your partner left with? It sounds like probably nowhere near 600-1100 p/m

Your partner by the sounds of it is unable to work due to the caring responsibilities of having autistic children and so her/his only chance of income is benefit entitlement and anything you decide to top up.

How would you feel if you were the one forced into a position where you had no control over the money you received or no chance to increase it because you were the one unable to go out to work?

The solution is to pool money pay for everything together including debt/saving/trips etc then at the end of everything that is when you both look at what's left as "fun money"

Lots of people live on lots less but that's not the point you both have important roles within your family so both of you should have equal access to all money coming in to the househol.
It is unfair for one partner (either partner!) to end up with lots more money at the end of each month

YANBU - your partner needs to do a cost of what she spends then both of you can look at reducing your debt

What sort of things are you eating?

On another note though the dla is not household income that is there to help with the multitudes of extras your child's disability produces like taxis because your child has had a meltdown and can't get on the bus etc

Another one questioning the use of DLA for food shopping, hair and nails. I have an autistic child and receive £400 odd per month DLA - it is spend directly on improving the life of the child. Raising a disabled child is expensive, and this balances out the additional costs.

There is a thread today where the wife is the main earner and the husband contributes no where near as much. There have been a lot of comments telling her to leave him.
it is never easy to share if one partner does not contribute at all. Perhaps when your dc starts school, your wife will be able to work. It is horrible to be completely financially dependent on someone else. It is bad for self esteem and can make both partners feel resentful.

I would agree with others that you need to put your heads together financially. You're paying a fuckton of debt off but still having trips away? Are you both OK with that? Credit card minimum spend is a worry, how much debt are you actually in? Looking at your costs, in theory some months you have £1000 unallocated money - what do you do with that? Where's your budgeting for Christmas, holidays, clothes? Do you as the primary earner have income protection insurance?

I'd have a talk about financial goals. When d

Its in not feasible for her to work due to the extra care having an autistic child requires, and she does contribute massively by running the house!

The SAHP needs to lay out all the expenses that person pays too, then together you can agree what expenses should be and set a reasonable budget. Try to pay more than then min on the cc too if you have any leftover.

Why are people so righteous about spending money on nails? She is caring for an autistic child, it doesn't sound like there's much in the way of money for clothes, nights out or holidays. So what if she wants to get her nails done once a month?

I think the lack of transparency is the issue here. She may have a perception that there's a lot more money floating around than there actually is. Why do you give her an allowance? The money should be family money.

On the months you earn £3000, you have £1000 a month left after everything, what do you use that for?

Why don't you have a joint account? All monies in (so wages, DLA, carers allowance, child benefit) - bills come out, then split the remainder between personal spends, savings and food/child related expenses.

OP - has 1900 left per month for fun money. OP thinks this makes things 'tight'.

Partner has maybe 100 left over after paying bills, groceries, clothes & raising a child with disability.

OP wants to know if they're mean, and thinks partner should be more grateful.

To answer your question, OP - YES YOU ARE MEAN.

DD has ASD and her high rate DLA (and then some) is all spent on private behavioural therapy and speech and language therapy.

I want to have a healthy excess income to pay off debts and save for the future.

I think we have an fairly good net income, a nice house and should be just about have enough to save for the future.

Before we got together my partner had a lot more support through tax credits, income support, housing, etc. But all this stopped when we moved in together, which hasn't been easy.

The £800 isn’t an income. It’s the benefits and allowances she receives. You give her £400 when you take home between £2500 and £3000 pcm and expect her to feed you.

Rightly or wrongly she is aggrieved. You are treating her like a child for not sitting down, crunching figures together and discussing the whole financial situation with her. This isn’t pocket money, this is her life. Cashwise what is and isn’t fair is hard to tell but what is sure is her feelings are closely linked to the way you treat her. Start acting like a life partner instead of a parent.

I think she's taking the piss a bit. For our family of 4 groceries come to about £400-450 a month. Assuming she needs a couple of hundred for petrol / clothes etc each month, then a bit more for her phone, then £700 should easily cover what she has to pay out for each month, with £500 a month left over for herself / doing fun stuff with your child.

If you have credit card bills etc that need paying off then you really both need to cut back on the 'fun stuff' and luxuries and try to clear that really.