Am I mean, £1200 per month?

[hardwork4]

So, me and my partner are regularly arguing about money.

I am the main earner in our household, so I pay the mortgage, house insurance, life insurance, utilities, council tax, netflix, internet and both car insurance and tax. Basically all the bills. I also pay for any car repairs, holidays & house maintenance.

My partner has a low income of £800 a month from DLA, Child benefit and careers allowance. I also put £400 a month in to their bank account. Bringing it up to £1200 per month.

From that they have to pay for their mobile bill (£30pm), petrol, clothes, hair, nails and household groceries for use two and our autistic child.

My partner thinks this is not possible, but in my opinion a lot of people have no where near that much left after mortgage, etc and that should be manageable.

I'm actually quite offended that their unhappy and moaning at me, I cant help feel they are ungrateful. I want us to be able to save for unexpected bills, our future and pay off some debts, so am worried about money.

Am I being unrealistic in how far I think the money should go?

Keep the £400 but pay for groceries and petrol

I don't understand why you split things this way. Why don't you just have a joint account that covers all of your joint costs, plus a joint savings account. Anything left over gets split equally for individual spends. Surely that is the fairest way to approach things??

And also, it's not like you're retaining money to spend on yourself, if it's true you are using the remainder to save for you all and but hols etc I really don't see how you are being labelled mean? Surely you're just being prudent?

WHy not just "let" her get a job? ANd then work out money from there. Did you ever notice that women are always the ones who have to give up work because it works better for the family that way?

Exactly. I got a job full time and never stopped and ended up earning 10x my husband - it rocks!

From your update, I get the impression that as she previously got tax credits, housing benefits, etc that the child isn't yours, is that right?

It sounds like this is about her feeling she doesn't have any control. When she was on her own, there's no way she'd have been better off, but probably felt like she was as she had control of her own money. Are you constantly on her case about money and her spending?

Is the house in joint names or just yours?

Is the debt joint debt?

its between 500 and 1000 which is needed for car repairs, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, house maintenance, and repaying the £25k debt

your way of budgeting is doing nobody any favours.

Open an account - joint.

Put all the income in.

Take all the bills out of that one account.

Look at the remaining £, and work out a payment plan to get rid of the debt.

If you have that much debt, you can't really afford too much monthly spends to be honest. Give yourselves the same amount and stick to it.

This is a man, writing about his wife or live-in girlfriend.

I am so offended by his deliberately and carefully hiding his and her sex that I struggle to get past that. fancy calling the woman you are supposed to love "they"!

Whether £1200 a month is fair for her depends on YOUR income.

If you also are left with about £1200 a month it's fair.

If you have £5,000 a month then it's unfair. She's sacrificing a career to stay at home and raise YOUR kid and clean up after you and should be compensated by you to the best of your ability.

Is this a partnership or is she your au pair and you think £1200 is her salary?

@Southfields totally agree. I'm pretty sure there's a massive back story behind the OPs "I just want the best for us."

and someone who thinks that DLA and Carers Allowance should be part of the pool towards groceries

Is the 25k a joint debt? If so, then surely you need to have all money going into one account and agree on a plan to repay the debt.This then comes straight out of the account on pay day. Transfer out a set amount for personal spending into individual accounts, making sure you both get the same. Use the joint account for all bills, groceries etc. Transfer anything left over at the end of the month into joint savings. Surely this would be more fair whilst also making sure the debts are getting repaid. Paying the minimum amounts each month is a terrible idea.

Hmm I don’t really have enough data to say, as you don’t indicate how much of that £1200 goes on looking after DC and how much is for non-essentials (hobbies, treats etc) or how much you’re spending on non-essentials. Given that most of your DPs “income” is actually benefits for DC, presumably quite a lot of it is specifically for their care and covers the additional costs of caring for a child with autism?

Have you sat down with DP and listed out all your expenses vs your income for the 3 of you?

Think you need to sit down together and have the chat no one wants to have, 25k is a lot of personal debt on top of raising a family with 3 kids. From the odd bits I've read-

1. Cut out Netflix, look to cut back both phone contacts
2. Nails are a luxury not a necessity, knock that straight on the head
3. Holidays need to stop until you have a proper plan
4. Christmas/birthday spending needs to be little or nothing, your not the beckams household, £50 each and the outer family cut right back. We have stopped buying for adults in our family just the children as it was getting out of hand!!

Sorry OP yanbu but both of you need a reality check that it's a team effort in finances!

£25k debt and £££ is being spent on holidays/ Netflix/ broadband/holidays/Christmas.

Go to money saving expert.

Do a family budget and but her a nail file!!!

Oh be real all you puritans saying get rid of broadband/netflix

Internet is an essential these days esp if she may need it for easier grocery shopping and dealing with dwp/hmrc

Netflix is cheap entertainment for people whose lifestyles mean they are often stuck at home, often with children. It’s not like she’s smoking crack

As to the getting nails done, op doesn’t mention if this is a weekly, monthly or ‘she once had them done for a wedding three yeas ago and i haven’t stopped going on about it because i am the sort of tightarse who thinks giving my dp £400 for groceries is some kim and kanye level largesse’ type expense arrangement

Cut out Netflix

Really? Why? It's £7 a month, it's hardly going to mean they can suddenly pay off all their debts overnight. Personally I think Netflix is a damn cheap way of providing entertainment for a household - you can watch anything on there as many times as you like, films and TV shows, stuff for kids and adults, and it's a damn site cheaper than even one cinema ticket.

I don't understand people saying things like that, or "get rid of the internet" - I mean, yes, if they were on the bones of their arse, by all means, but they're not, and again, the internet is a cheap source of entertainment for all the family, and means you can do things like online shop (often cheaper than going in person), pay bills and sort out things like insurance.

I'm not sure if the OP is looking for ideas on how to reduce their entire household expenditure (in which case, drop Netflix, drop the manicures, drop a brand at shopping, look at deals for car insurance, utilities etc); or looking for advice on how to manage the reality of different level incomes (in which case, joint finances are the way forwards).

DLA doesn't have to be spent on therapies for the child - it goes towards the increased expenditure of raising a disabled child, which can include therapies but also includes things like having to spend more on groceries due to a very restricted diet; buying wipes (you can get nappies but nobody ever thinks of the wipes) and then paint to repaint the walls when they smear; replacing furniture that gets damaged more often; having a second car as one goes to work and the other is needed to get to appointments; providing sensory equipment in the home and especially the garden as the child is unsafe in a public playground ....

You don't have to have a joint account to have joint finances, you just need to be good at monitoring the account balances and be incredibly honest about what gets bought. I juggle money between myself and DH's account (he's also SAHP to autistic child) every couple of days to ensure we both have the same amount of 'spends' .

OP mentions a debt of £25k - I'd be interested to know if that is the OP's debt, their partner's debt, or taken out jointly since they got together.

I think you sound awfully mean , op. you have s high income and your DP has a low income. It actually shod all go into.onr pot and be family income...

I have been a carer for my autistic child and it is bloody hard. If my DP would have treated me like a that, I wonder have walked out.

why don't you put it all in one pot. he is looking after your autistic child and therefore not working. it is bloody hard and isolating. society judges you but I wouldn't treat my partner in similar circumstances like that at all. horrible, sorry .

Noticeable that you consider your fuel and mobile as "bills", but her fuel and mobile have to come out of her "spends".

What you need to do is pool all the household money. Put a set amount into the bills account to cover bills (including groceries, and either both of your fuel and mobiles or neither of them). Then put a set (agreed) amount into an account to cover debt reduction, holidays, car repairs and unexpected household expenses. Then take the remainder, and split it 2/3 to your wife to cover her own spends, and spends relating to your son, and 1/3 to you to cover your own personal spends.

Based on your figures and a £3K p month salary, plus £800 benefits it would be something like:
£3800 IN
(£2300) Bills account (includes food, but excludes your fuel and mobile)
(£500) Savings (debt reduction, unexpected bills,holidays)
Leaves £1000 to be split £333 to you for spends, fuel, mobile, and £666 to your wife for child expenses plus spends, fuel,mobile.

Then, it will be equal.

Before we got together my partner had a lot more support through tax credits, income support, housing, etc. But all this stopped when we moved in together, which hasn't been easy.

^ This nails it.

She was better off on benefits than she is now in a family set up with one sole earner and she's struggling to adjust.

Is her autistic child yours?

With £25k debt to deal with, frankly I'd be cutting the £400 payment to her right down - she needs to learn to budget and live within her means. Hair & nails are a luxury not an essential!

I'm not an advocate of "family money" and don't think I ever will be but then neither am I an advocate of all the keeping tabs on who spent what to make sure everything is "fair".

When DH and I first started out we split all outgoings according to income split, so in your case 75:25.

If I were you I'd open a joint account and set up all your regular monthly payments to come out of that plus work out how much you spend on shopping so that you can put extra in to cover it. This also needs to include paying off your £25k debt.

You put 75% of the amount in each month and your partner puts 25% in.

Whatever each of you have left is your own to spend on "luxuries" (and this includes things like mobile phones, hair, nails and hobbies) as long as bills, family expenses and debts have been paid first.

I would however say that any ad-hoc type things like car maintenance and trips away you should pay for as you are the main earner and you say your partner can't work due to looking after a child with additional needs.

Is her autistic child yours?

OP mentions 'our autistic child' earlier on. so I guess so. based in that I think yabu, Op.

DLA is mostly for the child (therapies, taxies, 1:1 swimming lessons, certsins foods etc). it's not household money as such.

I don't understand why you don't pool the money. you have a disabled child together and the Sahp's contribution isn't any less than yours just because they bring on less money in cash terms.

I do think you sound financially controlling and I would not have any of it.

Id be stopping Netflix and and hols too until your debt is paid. Hair and nails also should be luxury not essentials. But i think all money should be in one pot

Have you used the MSE budget planner? If you use it together you can really get on top of your spending habits.
I'd go for a joint account for all joint expenses - mortgage/rent, bills, food. Two savings accounts that you put a little each month in - one for holidays & one for big expenses. Then you each have a personal account for things like hair & nails. You each get the same amount unto it.
What are your plans for paying off your debt?

When your arguing about money though you do need to weigh up what's optional in life or what's keeping up with the Jones