Am I mean, £1200 per month?

[hardwork4]

So, me and my partner are regularly arguing about money.

I am the main earner in our household, so I pay the mortgage, house insurance, life insurance, utilities, council tax, netflix, internet and both car insurance and tax. Basically all the bills. I also pay for any car repairs, holidays & house maintenance.

My partner has a low income of £800 a month from DLA, Child benefit and careers allowance. I also put £400 a month in to their bank account. Bringing it up to £1200 per month.

From that they have to pay for their mobile bill (£30pm), petrol, clothes, hair, nails and household groceries for use two and our autistic child.

My partner thinks this is not possible, but in my opinion a lot of people have no where near that much left after mortgage, etc and that should be manageable.

I'm actually quite offended that their unhappy and moaning at me, I cant help feel they are ungrateful. I want us to be able to save for unexpected bills, our future and pay off some debts, so am worried about money.

Am I being unrealistic in how far I think the money should go?

I think you should put it all in to one account and work from there so it is obvious where the money is going and what is left is spending money.

WHy haven't you done this?

That's my point hardwork her job is just as important as yours, without her sacrificing working outside the home you would not be able to earn what you do or work in the job you do doing the hours you do.

Due to that you both need to be financially equal.

That's not to say that she gets to spend £££ on treats for herself while all you get is a coffee once a week, it means that after as a team you both have paid for every household expense that then you get an allowance for treats if there is any money left over.

You should both have an equal amount of spending money. It doesn't matter what that oney is spent on, but both of you should have the same.

KissAss - you need to re read it, I don't have 1900 left...wish I did.

its between 500 and 1000 which is needed for car repairs, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, house maintenance, and repaying the £25k debt

Is there a reason you switched pronouns through the thread? Is she a she or a they?

Oops I want to revise what I said. Not only are you treating her like a child, you’re keeping all the money. I mistakenly thought the monthly outgoings didn’t include the £400 to your partner in which case I thought some months you’d only have £100 to save as a buffer. Yes you’re being mean and treating her like a child.

You want to save for the future. But you shouldn’t be making all the decisions.

its between 500 and 1000 which is needed for car repairs, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, house maintenance, and repaying the £25k debt

Yes, but why is that money under your thumb? Shouldn't it be family money?

OP does not have £1900 left for "fun money". OP wants to put some into savings (sensible as self employed) and said this also goes to pay some debts and holidays.

The OH, is paying £30 on phone a month - Food I would say £400 a month for 3 people is plenty and I wouldn't see anyone spending more than £200 a month on clothes. Petrol shouldn't be too much unless a lot of hospital appointments so maybe £100 a month. That leaves almost £400 a month for hair and nails (which are a luxury) and social occasions. Why isn't that enough?

Id dh pocketed a thousand pounds a month "for christmas and holidays" I'd be fucked off to the far side of Fucklandia.

Jesus you have 25k of debt!

Your partner (and you) need to seriously reign the belt in with finances. Can you try to go a year without holidays etc and frugal birthdays / Christmases to try and knock a few thousand off what you both owe?

Before we got together my partner had a lot more support through tax credits, income support, housing, etc. But all this stopped when we moved in together, which hasn't been easy.

So she was better off, but you give her 400 pounds now which will cover groceries for all of you and not much else, but you think she should be grateful??

Where did the 25,000 pounds of debt come from?

Yab extremely u with your op, classingda as your partner’s spends - as has been pointed out to you, this is money for caring for her child. Carer’s allowance is bob all and being a carer for a disabled child isn’t exactly a secure career with opportunity for progression and promotion. It’s hard work for not much money and in the current climate of austerity the work is getting harder and harder and the money is getting less and less. How actually dare you come on here trying to shame her talking about her getting her nails did and so forth? Playing the pronoun game. We see you with that shit.

^classing dla

Very sorry (genuinely) - I read the bottom line figure the wrong way- but you're still FAR better off than your partner!! How can you say that you think they're ungrateful when you have so much more money??

I've raised a child with autism. It costs so much more - DLA wouldn't come close. Clothes that get chewed through, activities where there are actually trained workers who know how to work with your child, special transport/food etc. These things cost a fortune and add up.

Why don't you have the attitude of "I'm so very lucky to have a partner who enables me to work even though we have a child with a disability. I could NEVER afford to pay for everything they do. I'm so grateful for this person in my life"?

As others have said - look at total monthly income, then prioritize: essential bills, useful things, leftover money. Then decide together how to use that money.

And yes, your partner may well be unhappy & sounding moany/ungrateful, but being the full time carer for a child with autism is incredibly hard, emotionally.

Perhaps think for a minute about how much it would cost you to replace your partner's work if something happened to them and you had to pay for everything. You say that they contribute massively by running the house - look into the cost of caring for a child with a disability. Your partner's labour is contributing more to the household than most people ever earn.

Tell her to do her own nails. £100 a week for food is a lot for you, and that is buying nice nutritious food.. That leaves her £200 a week to spend on herself.

I'm a SAHM and my husband puts £1200 into a bank account for me to spend as I wish. Obviously feeding the children and clothing them. I don't pay any other bills from that. He pays everything else including £1300 mortgage and the eldest Uni fees, horse livery, etc etc. I have money left over and spend it on my hobby. I think it's more than enough to be honest.

Agree with others who say you're treating her like a child by giving her an allowance. Is the 25k debts you have run up between you?

It sounds like you pay your bills and still have discretionary money left over, which you decide to save or do whatever with. Does she have access to this account?

Her money sounds all like bill money and caring for your child, and just because you say 'hair and nails' doesn't mean she's actually getting those things.

I don't think you just get to decide what she has to live off. You're not the lord and master of the house because you're the earner.

You pay the bills. Then you split whatever is left over 50/50. You decide on an amount to save together. Part of the problem is probably the control you are taking and giving her an allowance like a child.

Okay, but why isn't all your income joint income? You couldn't earn your salary if she didn't stay home with your autistic child. Pay the bills (including the debt), pay for food, and split everything else between savings and individual (but equal) amounts of fun money.

It seems broadly fair. I would need to know how much she has to spend on petrol though - if she is travelling long distances to take your child to appointments or specialist groups that might rack up the fuel costs. Also, how much does she have left after food and grocery shopping.

I agree with PP you should sit down together and look at what you are actually spending. You should both have the same personal spends each when all is paid for.

Finally - why are you saving money when you have CC debt?

I think the problem is here £1200 is fine for 2 adults and 1 child if it were not for the austistic - which is glossed over - how much of that goes on dealing with the child (and you assume as £700 of it is DLA and carers allowance quite a bit and probably added mobility issues)

Which means its £500 a month for everything else including groceries which seems a lot less

DLA isn't disposable income for her. Your finances should be shared with equal spending money and equal say. Why do you get to be boss?

Let’s do some maths (it’ll be fun honest)

400 x 12 = £4800
Divided by 52 = £92.31
Plus 64.60 carers allowance = £156.91

Carers allowance is payable for 35+ hours of care a week (although i have never yet met a parent of a disabled child who only works a 35 hour week). You give your dp £400 per month for the domestic labour she performs on top of these duties. Let’s be generous and say these work out at 7 hours, one hour per day

Your partner works a 42 hour week for £156.91

Her hourly pay is £3.74 per hour. On top of this she provides you with all meals and toiletries.

Who’s the mean one again?

Op I don't think you're being mean. My partner and I have a similar split for outgoings (although I don't buy much petrol or do my nails!) but my income is £200pw and I still have left over.... How the heck is your partner spending all that??