Hubby's Awful Mum After His Inheritance

[CoralieBeach]

Been with my husband 9 years and we have a six yr old. I've never liked his mother, although I'm always polite and friendly - which is easier as we now live 2 hours away from her!

We have struggled financially over the years, my parents have always helped us out financially when we have been stuck, and the one time around 4 years ago he asked his mum for help (who is on a high salary and partner also in high salary), she didn't just decline (which obviously was well within her right) but was very nasty about both he and I. I never really got over that!

We moved out of London 2 years ago to save for a deposit and get out of the renting trap, and unfortunately due to ill health and lack of work, my husband has spent more time out of work than in. I'm self employed and fortunately have been doing pretty well over the last few years, so it's been no problem for me to be the main breadwinner.

We have a great relationship anyway, but since moving away it's been even better. Recently, his aunt passed away and left him some money, not a life changing lotto amount, but enough for a holiday and the rest of our deposit.

His mother (who sometimes goes 6 months without taking to him, and who he craves love from even as a grown man) had actually really been there since his aunt passed as he's been grieving, and I actually took my hat off to her. However, she has now asked him for £10k to do up her house. He said yes straight away and says she will pay him back. Apparently she has enough money in savings to do the work but doesn't want to touch it.

I'm pretty cross. It all seems a bit fishy, and I honestly don't understand why she would want to take money from her son who really deserves this little head start, when she's on a huge salary and so much better off than him! At the time of the conversation I simply nodded and carried on with what I was doing as I couldn't trust myself not to hurt his feelings, but now I really feel we need to discuss it.

Am I being totally unreasonable? He's very defensive of his mum even though he knows she's not been a great mum to him, so it's a sticky subject!!

Any advice greatly appreciated!

I don't think it's cut and dried whether an inheritance forms part of the marital asset in a divorce (not the OP is wanting to divorce her DH but as an example of how the money might be thought about legally). It seems to be assessed based on whether the needs can be met with or without its inclusion. As the breadwinner, OP might therefore not have a claim on it.

However, the fact remains the money is earmarked for use by his own family, to contribute to their needs.

OP, I worry that when his mum goes mad because her 'request' has been refused and disappears out of your DH's life again, he is going to blame you for it. I would talk him through her previous behaviour, particularly her attitude to lending you money in the past. Ideally he needs to connect the dots himself that the only reason she has been in touch now is to get her hands on some of the inheritance.

I feel very sorry for your DH, his mum seems to have done a belter of a job ruining his self-confidence that he can't even say No to her without fear or repercussions.

Definitely hang on to the money for your family.

I share the concern about an inheritance not necessarily being part of the shared assets. I remember a case involving a friend where it wasn't a shared asset but can't remember the circumstances, or whether the inheritance was received before or after marriage. Too long ago now. Athough I didn't say, one reason I suggested a formal mortgage was that the OP and DH would be joint lenders, which would clarify who the money actually belongs to if needed later on.

How to you make sure money stays with who you want. Henrietta?

I inherited & some money went on the house-so my husband also benefitted.

How do you prevent that for example, or if I bought my husband a car?

trib, most families need an inheritance as part of the marital assets in order to house children so very likely particularly after time passes that it is part of assets to be divided. i know there have been some family law cases where it's been kept separate but they are the exception not the rule.

Lower earners wives get cross about this - they think it's fine they take half or more of their husband's money but if their parents die and leave them money they think it's fair it's kept out of the marital pot. Usually they are wrong.

Coralie -- you are a star!

Well done you.

Your DH should be proud of you for looking out for you all.

I wish you every success with your business and I hope that the hard earned home you are beavering away for comes to you soon.

Don't worry about the MIL - pre-empt the eruption, bluster and rage - tip off your DH and both sit back to watch the predictable behaviour.

Good luck to you....

Well done Coralie.
We got caught in a similar situation and a couple of years later, we know we won't be getting the money back. I won't let us get financially distracted away from dc's future again...