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Original poster

Hubby's Awful Mum After His Inheritance

107 replies

CoralieBeach · 06/02/2017 07:08

Been with my husband 9 years and we have a six yr old. I've never liked his mother, although I'm always polite and friendly - which is easier as we now live 2 hours away from her!

We have struggled financially over the years, my parents have always helped us out financially when we have been stuck, and the one time around 4 years ago he asked his mum for help (who is on a high salary and partner also in high salary), she didn't just decline (which obviously was well within her right) but was very nasty about both he and I. I never really got over that!

We moved out of London 2 years ago to save for a deposit and get out of the renting trap, and unfortunately due to ill health and lack of work, my husband has spent more time out of work than in. I'm self employed and fortunately have been doing pretty well over the last few years, so it's been no problem for me to be the main breadwinner.

We have a great relationship anyway, but since moving away it's been even better. Recently, his aunt passed away and left him some money, not a life changing lotto amount, but enough for a holiday and the rest of our deposit.

His mother (who sometimes goes 6 months without taking to him, and who he craves love from even as a grown man) had actually really been there since his aunt passed as he's been grieving, and I actually took my hat off to her. However, she has now asked him for £10k to do up her house. He said yes straight away and says she will pay him back. Apparently she has enough money in savings to do the work but doesn't want to touch it.

I'm pretty cross. It all seems a bit fishy, and I honestly don't understand why she would want to take money from her son who really deserves this little head start, when she's on a huge salary and so much better off than him! At the time of the conversation I simply nodded and carried on with what I was doing as I couldn't trust myself not to hurt his feelings, but now I really feel we need to discuss it.

Am I being totally unreasonable? He's very defensive of his mum even though he knows she's not been a great mum to him, so it's a sticky subject!!

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

ChangeTime · 06/02/2017 10:22

Yes he should: the MN term is "family money". Especially given that you financially support him!
Lol, it tends to be family money when it's the mans money but the woman's money when it's her inheritance 😂(I'm not actually joking )

OP, just a thought but seeing as this is obviously very odd behaviour from your DH do you think he might have had hand outs or loans from your MIL in the past that you don't know about?

Olympiathequeen · 06/02/2017 10:24

Your poor DH. I do hope he realised his mistake and keeps the money for your future as a couple.

Lowlandgarlic · 06/02/2017 10:26

Nope this wouldnt sit well with me at all, what she wants isn't necessary what you want is! Shes got her own home and wants to work on it you're trying to get your own home that's more important. Your DH needs to see that if he puts her first then I would question my relationship, her asking me to me is [Shock] when she obviously knows you need the money for deposit!

There are people who think because it's family you dont need to make it formal and you can lend them it and you'll get it back but the law will not be on your side. Don't let Dh fall into this trap.

If you dont have it in writing if something went wrong you will not see the money again and there is no way it will stand up in court. There are people who get caught out when it comes to loves ones and think having a paper trail (ie transferring someone the money) is enough proof but all it proves is you gave them it, doesnt prove anything about them paying it back and by when thats why a contract is a must. Plus It might be enough to put her off wanting to accept.

smearedinfood · 06/02/2017 10:27

Can you point out to him that you don't really have it to give...as you need to actually get a house.
Or get the MIL to put DP's name on the deeds of MILs house as he's financially contributed to their house.

tribpot · 06/02/2017 10:28

Btw 10K for an extension? My guess is that this is a deliberate low ball figure, so that then when it costs more she can come back for more, claiming the builders have overrun/costs have escalated. And your DH will feel obliged to cough up again because she can't live with a half-finished extension. It may not just be 10K you're pissing away. And this is all to save her using her own savings?

Incidentally, the aunt who died - it was her sister, I assume. Is this just an attempt to get what she feels was 'due' to her? The aunt could have left the money to her sister if she had wanted to.

JaniceBattersby · 06/02/2017 10:30

She doesn't want to touch her own savings but she's quite happy to spend yours? The whole situation is crackers.

ItsNachoCheese · 06/02/2017 10:38

Tell her to take a running jump and spend her own money the cheeky cow

Cakingbad · 06/02/2017 10:48

Having read all the comments I now think you should actually take charge if your DH won't (and I do understand how difficult it is for him. I would write to her:

"Dear MIL, we have spoken about the 10K and realised that we cannot lend it to you. We need it for a deposit on a place of our own. There is no longterm security in renting and this could be our only chance to get the security of a home of our own for our child. I am sure you will understand, your loving and dutiful DIL"

It is your money just as much as your DHs. You are married. You share your finances.

What's the worst that can happen? Would you care if she took offence?

SapphireStrange · 06/02/2017 10:56

For the love of God don't give her the money! You'll never see it again.

What are her savings for, if not to do the work on her own house? I bet she doesn't want to touch it –I''d rather not touch my savings either, but when the house needs work on it I do touch them; that's what they're for.

gillybeanz · 06/02/2017 10:57

It sounds like she is being nice to get the money.
I'd tell dh and rather have the fall out than see him used like this, irrespective of the money.

However, wrt the money, show him this thread.
He will never get the money back and your deposit will be put on the back burner again.

chocorabbit · 06/02/2017 11:03

You buying a house has priority over her doing her kitchen up

And like pp have said as a self-employed you can face many problems getting a mortgage. Also, you will probably enter a bidding war as there are many more people looking to buy than actual properties so the bank will obviously value your house much less than the price you agree and give you even less of a deposit so you will end up needing more deposit to make it up!! It happened to us and many people that we know.

HecateAntaia · 06/02/2017 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnormousTiger · 06/02/2017 11:07

Good point - if he lends £10k for house extention then like a bank he shoudl insiste he has a registered charge/mortgage over the MIL house. See what she thinks about that - to secure repayment. Also have a short loan agreement setting out the interest rate and when interest is paid and when the full sum is repayable. Mightb e simpler for family harmony though just to make her an out right gift of £2k or £500 or nothing if it cannot be afforded.

Pickitup · 06/02/2017 11:15

Clearly your dh is seeking his mothers love. Does he understand the implications do you think?
Just after dh and I got married, he swapped jobs and he filled in a form for his death in service benefit. I happened to mention it to him at the time and he had put his brother on the form as equal benefactor to me.
I questionned his decision by pointing out to him that me and our dc might be financially struggling whilst his brother had a super fancy new guitar. (His hobby at the time)
It turned out his mother suggested it (brother lives with her) and thought my dh should leave something to his brother. In theory absolutely fine, but not at the expense of a young family struggling.
You really need to point out to your dh in a way that he wont get offended at, that the 10k will benefit you all.
Would you be in a position to fund a weekend away for your mil as a "gift" rather than the 10k to do up her showhouse? This way, she cannot say he doesnt care or is mean etc.

Viviennemary · 06/02/2017 11:44

This is entirely and absolultely unacceptable. The money should not be lent. Your husband must be made to see that housing his family should come first before lending money to somebody who doesn't even need a loan. If he cannot see that then if I were you I'd think does my future really lie with this person.

chocorabbit · 06/02/2017 11:49

Sorry, I meant that the bank will offer you a much smaller mortgage so you will require to raise an even larger deposit than you had originally calculated. Estate agents have started asking prospective tenants round here for annual salaries over 40,000 for a mother with 2 children to make sure that she could afford to pay her rent. It was in the newspaper and other EA sadly confirmed this. How do you know how much your rent will be in 5 years' time?

Surreyblah · 06/02/2017 12:09

Legally, thought inheritance belongs to both partners if married.

YY to having a proper loan agreement in writing: Judge Rinder always emphasises this! Bet MiL wouldn't agree to this.

EnormousTiger · 06/02/2017 12:59

Legally inheritance does not belong to both partners if married actually. we have separate ownership by husband and wife and it was only up to the Victorian age that the married women's property act had all the family assets in husband's name.

However it is true that if you divorce later it does not matter whose name assets are in in terms of division of those assets between the couple on divorce so to that extent it is true.

another20 · 06/02/2017 13:23

Would advise to deal with this assertively, calmly and with clarity.

Don't even entertain any compromises around loans and contracts etc.

"No" is a complete sentence - this is soooo wrong on soooo many levels.

You need to step up and step in to safeguard your family.

Your DH is exposing your family to even more financial risk and uncertainty than exists presently.

He is not thinking clearly - he is responding to FOG.

ENinthePWert · 06/02/2017 13:36

Ask if she'd go to a bank to borrow this money? If not, why would it make sense to borrow it from someone less well of than she and her partner.

What if it's lent, spent and she dies leaving everything to her partner?

My advice is never to lend more than you'd happily gift, but if you must, a proper signed and witnessed agreement drawn up by a lawyer is the only route to go, ensuring the start and end timeframe for the contract of repayments.

ENinthePWert · 06/02/2017 13:38

less well off

I think she has the most awful cheek and her recent niceness was obviously ulterior motivated. DH and I would say no.

Inertia · 06/02/2017 13:40

I think in your shoes I would call MIL directly myself, and tell her that the money has already been accounted for and you don't have it available.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 06/02/2017 13:45

What the fuck?! She has the money but would prefer that her son pays for her house renovatoin rather than touch her own?

She is a right piece of work. This is an absolute NO. houses are bloody expensive things to buy, not only do you have the deposit, but stamp duty, conveyancing fees etc. THIS should be your priority, not giving his mother cash that she already has!

EatsShitAndLeaves · 06/02/2017 13:47

Why does she not want to use her savings?

Presumably she doesn't want to lose the interest from the bank.

Yet she is happy to prevent her son having access to any interest (such as it is) and prevent him from having the funds.

She has a choice re: savings - by the sounds of it - these are the totality of your spare cash.

The situation is ludicrous. He should say no.

However at the VERY least you should make sure this loan is made with appropriate legal documentation (that she should pay for) specifying the duration of the loan, terms of repayment, penalties for late payment and ideally interest charges for the period of the loan - which should equate to what you would get if the money was in the bank.

KickAssAngel · 06/02/2017 14:26

There are tax implications, for both of them, if he does this. I've tried getting a quick answer from the internet, and there isn't one, BUT it could be that both your DH and his mother become liable for tax on that amount of money. So it will actually COST money to do this. All the info I looked at referred to inheritance tax, but each individual is only allowed to gift up to 3K a year. It gets even more complicated if she does pay him back. He isn't a licensed money lender, and this could be seen as money laundering. I know that people do things like this all the time, but if you're self employed then you're not just using simple PAYE and your accounts are more likely to be looked over.

You could be saying goodbye to as much as 14,000, and his mother having to pay income tax on this amount as well. You need to point this out to him. If he's really determined to write his mother a cheque for ten grand there's not much you can do to stop him - but point out that the tax office will then be after him for giving away part of his estate. It may deter him if he thinks it will get you into debt.

But this has nothing to do with savings/interest/tax etc. She is just using him.

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