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Original poster

Hubby's Awful Mum After His Inheritance

107 replies

CoralieBeach · 06/02/2017 07:08

Been with my husband 9 years and we have a six yr old. I've never liked his mother, although I'm always polite and friendly - which is easier as we now live 2 hours away from her!

We have struggled financially over the years, my parents have always helped us out financially when we have been stuck, and the one time around 4 years ago he asked his mum for help (who is on a high salary and partner also in high salary), she didn't just decline (which obviously was well within her right) but was very nasty about both he and I. I never really got over that!

We moved out of London 2 years ago to save for a deposit and get out of the renting trap, and unfortunately due to ill health and lack of work, my husband has spent more time out of work than in. I'm self employed and fortunately have been doing pretty well over the last few years, so it's been no problem for me to be the main breadwinner.

We have a great relationship anyway, but since moving away it's been even better. Recently, his aunt passed away and left him some money, not a life changing lotto amount, but enough for a holiday and the rest of our deposit.

His mother (who sometimes goes 6 months without taking to him, and who he craves love from even as a grown man) had actually really been there since his aunt passed as he's been grieving, and I actually took my hat off to her. However, she has now asked him for £10k to do up her house. He said yes straight away and says she will pay him back. Apparently she has enough money in savings to do the work but doesn't want to touch it.

I'm pretty cross. It all seems a bit fishy, and I honestly don't understand why she would want to take money from her son who really deserves this little head start, when she's on a huge salary and so much better off than him! At the time of the conversation I simply nodded and carried on with what I was doing as I couldn't trust myself not to hurt his feelings, but now I really feel we need to discuss it.

Am I being totally unreasonable? He's very defensive of his mum even though he knows she's not been a great mum to him, so it's a sticky subject!!

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralieBeach · 06/02/2017 14:28

To add a little more info:

-She defo earns as much as she says, she has a really good job and they have 2 Caribbean holidays a year (she mocked me relentlessly when I said we were going to Tenerife 4 years ago)

  • The exact reason that I'm so angry is that it wasn't discussed with me, and although he was put on the spot I still feel he should have spoken to me first (he spoke to me straight after the conversation)
  • we aren't going to be applying for a mortgage for another year at least as I need another year of accounts behind me as I'm self employed, and husbands job isn't permanent. However, even if she DOES intend to pay it back, I feel it should be gaining interest in our account and there in case we need it if circumstances change.

We have since spoken about it and I've said that I don't think it's a good idea, he is gobsmacked that I have suggested he won't be paid back. He says that she will pay it back within the year before we need it.

He has said he won't go against me and if I say no, then it's no. He's obviously upset about it, even though he says it's fine!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/02/2017 14:50

Why on earth doesn't she use her savings then if she intends to pay it back in a year anyway? You are the breadwinner and you guys sound like it would make a huge difference to your deposit.

I'd remind him of how you were made to feel when you asked for a loan from her a few years ago.
I don't normally interfere with family stuff with OH but in your position I would stick to my guns.

BofAlorsStance · 06/02/2017 14:56

You won't see it back.

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/02/2017 14:57

I would be angry about him effectively placing the responsibility of saying no onto you, but at least he's not doing it now. Will he stick to it? I wonder if it might be better to put the money somewhere it can't easily be accessed?

SapphireStrange · 06/02/2017 15:01

He has said he won't go against me and if I say no, then it's no. He's obviously upset about it, even though he says it's fine!

Good for you standing up to her/him. He's just going to have to be upset, isn't he?

fuzzywuzzy · 06/02/2017 15:05

Ciarlievwhat part of her historical behaviour has lead your DH to believe he'll ever see the money again?

He's very naive where his mother is concerned! Maybe she cold cut back on a holiday this year and put it towards her precious extension.

Bambamrubblesmum · 06/02/2017 15:06

Your MIL is a selfish woman. What grandparent would deny their grandchild the opportunity to have a stable home so they could have an extension Confused

I feel sorry for your DH, his heart is in the right place and he is being cruelly manipulated.

Stand firm and give him lots of TLC. Don't let her divide you.

I would suggest when he calls her he does it on speakerphone so it's from you both. Then she can't try to manipulate him. Plus she will get the message you are a team.

Meridien · 06/02/2017 15:44

If she's that well off and it's for property improvement, she can borrow it from any one of a large number of mortgage lenders. Have you tried using a mortgage calculator to see how much £10,000 would cost her per month on a repayment mortgage over the time she said she'd pay it back over?

You can find out how much debt she has secured on her property by doing a search at the Land Registry, it only costs £3. You need to look at the Charges Register section of the title, you don't need the plan. My guess is she's up to her eyes. You'd also need to do a credit check (see my earlier post). If she wants money from someone she thinks isn't likely to check on her, my guess is that her credit report isn't great either. Those Caribbean holidays could mean her credit cards are maxed out, this would show up on a credit report.

How can she deny her own family this money? It's a lost opportunity for you especially if she defaults, and that costs you interest at a lot more than the miserable MLR we have at the moment, more like 5% or even 6%. You're a business person, did you think about lost opportunity cost?

Stay strong, your DH is wrong and you're right, OP.

Ceaser1981 · 06/02/2017 15:53

Sorry if already mentioned but to say she doesnt want to touch savings? Why? Does she have some secret high interest account nobody else knows about? Be lucky to get 1% interest just now. I think shes a cheeky cow and would tell her where to go

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/02/2017 16:06

To be fair, it's possible to get a bit more than that, especially if you tie the money up for a fixed period. Which maybe she has. Regardless, DH still shouldn't have promised it to her and she should never have asked for it in the first place.

diddl · 06/02/2017 16:10

Just tell him no then.

She has access to the money through her own savings, so it's not as if him saying no means that she can't do what she would like.

She won't love him anymore & will probably respect him less.

dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 16:55

Would it really matter if she blames you? I'd take all he blame for dh's sake if I were you. You tell her.

Inertia · 06/02/2017 18:31

He should be upset! He agreed to something without consulting you in order to try to please his mother, when the impact of that choice has a huge negative impact on the financial security and stability of his family. Even if he isn't the main breadwinner, he is just as responsible as you for ensuring that his own children are adequately provided for.

Frankly, I'd be more than willing to cop the blame from MIL for this.

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 00:57

It's his money. He is upset because he wants to lend his mum the money. I think it is his call not the wifes. HIS inheritance are the key words, it means he can do as he wants.

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 01:00

If he decided to buy himself a Porsche, would that be ok? Is it just because its his mother he wants to give it to? If he wanted a Porsche he is quite entitled to buy one from HIS inheritance, the same way he is entitled to do as he pleases with it. The entitlement by partners is off the scale these days. I'll bet if the wife won a few thou at Bingo, the hubby wouldnt see any of it.

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 01:04

In my will I have stated that the only beneficiaries are my children, not the spouses. I have no intention of leaving to the spouses, just my children and grandchildren. There are ways to ensure that it stays with the one inheriting should they have a controlling spouse who wants to decide what is done with MY money. Like it or lump it... my money goes to only those who I bequeath to....not up for debate.

Jaynebxl · 07/02/2017 05:40

Henrietta that's rubbish. The OP and family are not flush with money, have had money troubles in the past and are now really trying to work towards buying a house.

I don't suppose for a minute if the roles were reversed the OP would do the same
.. if she won at bingo (sexist much?)

And the OP is the main bread winner. If she decided to stop saving towards a house deposit and to stop paying the grocery bills but to spend HER money on a fancy car or holiday would that be OK? I mean it's her money whether she earns it or inherits it surely?

I just don't think that's how family works.

Original poster
CoralieBeach · 07/02/2017 05:51

Thanks for the input Henrietta, and of course you are absolutely right - ultimately it is his money!

But if I'm being picky, and splitting hairs as in your example, the remainder of the deposit is mine.... I saved it. The breakfast he's eating right now, that's mine too. The pants on his bum, yep. Mine.

Except we don't work like that. Because we are (normally) a team.

Whilst he felt an initially pull of guilt to help my MIL, fortunately it took less than 24 hours for him to realise that his priorities were upside down. Our daughter and her security and future trumps all else.

And if he was the sort of man to think in the way that you described, I'd happily send him off in his Porsche with his mother and wish them both the very best.

But again, thanks for the input!

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 07/02/2017 07:04

Coralie, that's great!
Henrietta I hope your will doesn't say what you've said here! It doesn't need to, just make your bequests to a person not a household.

EnormousTiger · 07/02/2017 07:11

On the inheritance tax points there are usually no problems at all wkith mamking gifts (a) because most people who die don't have anything like enough to pay any inheritance tax (and we have no gifts tax in the UK) and (b) even if they do have loads of assets and pay IHT if they live 7 years after the gift there is no IHT on it so probably the mother is not 7 years from death so I would not factor IHT in particularly but I would keep the money.

I am glad he has come to the right decision. I am giving the children money towards properties and university which tends to be the way round older people do it unless they are in total poverty.

Brown76 · 07/02/2017 07:24

She doesn't need the money and you need to say so. That's the only reason I could think of for him to lend it to her, but she doesn't even need it! She can get an interest free loan (for new kitchen) or credit card or low interest loan for home improvements if she doesn't want to pay upfront. It's Your DHs money and if he wants to give it to his mum then that is his choice, BUT your DH isn't in regular work, is trying to save for a home and has a young child to support...when is he going to prioritise his contribution to his own household: you and his child?

Brown76 · 07/02/2017 07:28

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, I appreciate that it's your MIL who is being unfair, and your DH has a tricky relationship with her!

Original poster
CoralieBeach · 07/02/2017 07:54

Not Harsh at all Brown76, I agree!

Even though I don't like her, if she was genuinely struggling and desperately needed it, I would understand. Thankfully DH is now seeing sense, although a bit nervy about how to tell her.

I already know I will get the blame, but I'm not phased. She would blame me for the hole in the ozone layer if she had a chance!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2017 08:00

In the case of a marriage doesn't inheritance count as family money regardless as to whether the bequest is left to a named person?

I always thought legally, if there's an inheritance for in this case the DH, and say the coole decide to divorce doesn't the inheritance also count as part of the family assets?

Surreyblah · 07/02/2017 08:29

Yes that's what I thought too - it's not just his money legally.