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Original poster

Hubby's Awful Mum After His Inheritance

107 replies

CoralieBeach · 06/02/2017 07:08

Been with my husband 9 years and we have a six yr old. I've never liked his mother, although I'm always polite and friendly - which is easier as we now live 2 hours away from her!

We have struggled financially over the years, my parents have always helped us out financially when we have been stuck, and the one time around 4 years ago he asked his mum for help (who is on a high salary and partner also in high salary), she didn't just decline (which obviously was well within her right) but was very nasty about both he and I. I never really got over that!

We moved out of London 2 years ago to save for a deposit and get out of the renting trap, and unfortunately due to ill health and lack of work, my husband has spent more time out of work than in. I'm self employed and fortunately have been doing pretty well over the last few years, so it's been no problem for me to be the main breadwinner.

We have a great relationship anyway, but since moving away it's been even better. Recently, his aunt passed away and left him some money, not a life changing lotto amount, but enough for a holiday and the rest of our deposit.

His mother (who sometimes goes 6 months without taking to him, and who he craves love from even as a grown man) had actually really been there since his aunt passed as he's been grieving, and I actually took my hat off to her. However, she has now asked him for £10k to do up her house. He said yes straight away and says she will pay him back. Apparently she has enough money in savings to do the work but doesn't want to touch it.

I'm pretty cross. It all seems a bit fishy, and I honestly don't understand why she would want to take money from her son who really deserves this little head start, when she's on a huge salary and so much better off than him! At the time of the conversation I simply nodded and carried on with what I was doing as I couldn't trust myself not to hurt his feelings, but now I really feel we need to discuss it.

Am I being totally unreasonable? He's very defensive of his mum even though he knows she's not been a great mum to him, so it's a sticky subject!!

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

GallivantingWildebeest · 06/02/2017 09:26

Don't lend her the money! She thinke she cna buy his love. Evil, manipulative old crow.

Tell your dh this is likely to be the only sum that falls into his lap without hard graft and it's yours. He deserves it. Point out that his mum has money - why shouldn't she use her own savings to do unnecessary work to her house?

Jaynebxl · 06/02/2017 09:28

No way! Absolutely not. She has the money herself and besides, you need this.

cartismandua · 06/02/2017 09:29

Quiet for 6 months and then asks for money? Sorry OP, but MIL thinks you and DH are mugs, and agree with pp you won't see that money again... a loan agreement may not protect you if MIL is able to renegotiate later by persuading DH.

OnionKnight · 06/02/2017 09:30

He will never see that money again, you must say no.

EssentialHummus · 06/02/2017 09:31

You'll never see that money again.

Exactly. Personally I'd remind her of her reaction when you/he asked her for help 4 years ago, but even if that feels too dramatic you could say, "Sorry, no. As you know we've been working hard to get on the housing ladder, and this money will go to completing our deposit."

MrsJaniceBattersby · 06/02/2017 09:33

So she won't use her money to tart up her house
She's happy to use your money when you are trying to secure a home for your family
She refused to help you when you desperately needed it
She's throwing another spanner into stopping you being happy
Don't lend her anything

shovetheholly · 06/02/2017 09:37

I agree with PPs - don't lend it if you aren't prepared to lose it.

Your DH sounds like he needs some help coming to terms with a series of revelations about what his mother is really like. He sounds like he's trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It can be very confusing when we realise that someone we thought loved us is actually out to hurt us, and difficult to set boundaries with someone controlling. I suggest you spend a few hundred of the £10k on a counsellor for him instead. Chances are, he'll just need a few sessions to come to terms. It could be the best investment you make!

Monkeypuzzle32 · 06/02/2017 09:38

Lumpy there's no way I could maintain a relationship with FIL after that-you're a better person than me!

Hardyloveit · 06/02/2017 09:39

Urgh! This has really hot my back up! She sounds like I horrible horrible woman.

Please speak to you husband and remind him how she was when you asked to borrow money. Remind him she has it in savings and that she doesn't need it.

Inertia · 06/02/2017 09:41

I think MIL thinks she deserves the inheritance rather than your H, and is being sneaky about getting what she thinks is rightfully hers. She'll never pay it back.

I'd be pretty cross with DH for just agreeing to this without consulting you, as it affects your whole family.

StickyMouse · 06/02/2017 09:44

Is the Aunt her Sister? if so she is probably feeling some sort of entitlement, did she get an inheritance? I wouldn't risk not getting it back. £10k will go a long way with a new house, our kitchen didn't cost much more that.

Honestly if she has the money in savings she should be using that before asking her own son for money, interest rate currently are woeful. If she has ISA's then she can withdraw from them end of next month with out penalty.

another20 · 06/02/2017 09:45

Your DH owed YOU the courtesy of discussing it with you first before any commitment - and giving you time to think it through.

If he is not yet in a permanent role and this is preventing you both putting a secure roof over your children's heads - then HE is not in a position to dish out "family money" without consultation and agreement.

I would revisit her with her the standards and values she displayed and clearly adheres to when asked for support - be vile and say no.

Your senses are bang on here -- but the missing link is the irrational dysfunctional relationship your DH has with his DM - don't let this dictate how you and your children live.

You may need that money just to live if your DH is not in permanent work.

You must not let this happen - you need to take the lead and be responsible here for the family finances.

You need to be ready for her to kick-off, cause a drama - but let it wash over you.

Put you tin hat on and take charge -- good luck.....

Foldedtshirt · 06/02/2017 09:47

Why or earth does he think this is a good idea?
What does he say?

ijustwannadance · 06/02/2017 09:51

Your DH needs to prioritize his own family, not his mean mother who already bloody has enough money of her own. It's your house deposit or safety net whilst he is out of work.

You won't get it back, or if you do it will be something ridiculous like £5 a week.

Just tell him giving his mother money won't suddenly make her change. She is using him and only being nice as she wants what she thinks should be hers.

AndShesGone · 06/02/2017 09:56

Why should he lend the only money he has so she doesn't have to touch her considerable savings?

That's CRAZY

Buck3t · 06/02/2017 10:00

Hi Mum is that you?

Seriously you are living my mother's life only difference is my Evil GM is now dead and my DF is still no happier or resolved about who she was. You could say it a thousand times over. He still wants her love. He nursed her when she was ill and even after she died, he nursed his StepF. Growing up hearing everything they had done to him, you'd think he'd be help from afar. Maybe he is a better person than me, but I think he keeps looking for love in all the wrong places.

A pp said to spend some of the money on counselling, better way to go. I could not under any circumstances allow that money to go to her. Although I'd love to see her reaction regarding a loan agreement. [evil laugh]

DistanceCall · 06/02/2017 10:01

If your husband insists on lending the money to his mother, perhaps you can persuade him to ask her to sign an agreement or something similar?

After all, if she can guarantee 100% that she will be returning the money, she won't have any problems signing a legal document recording that she has borrowed that money, will she?

dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 10:02

So she won't use her money to tart up her house. She's happy to use your money when you are trying to secure a home for your family. She refused to help you when you desperately needed it. She's throwing another spanner into stopping you being happy

Write this down in a list (as the pp wrote it. I had to take it out of the list to bold it)
Add Number 5. - You will not get this money back. Are you prepared to give her 10K as that is what it effectively is.

and show it to DH in black and white. It's not pretty is it?

diddl · 06/02/2017 10:03

Oh how sad-he needs help.

Buying Mummy's love-I know it's probably not his fault, but my respect for him would plummet.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/02/2017 10:03

Seems he'll do anything to get her love and approval and she'll do anything to let him think he's getting it .

dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 10:10

Can you get some psychology books that discussthe desperate need to win parental love, even as an adult? I'm sure pp could come up with some titles. If you can get him to understand why he is feeling as he does, then he may feel stronger standing up to her or detaching a bit. Would he be open to that or would he think it mumbo jumbo?

dowhatnow · 06/02/2017 10:10

Or just google it in advance of talking to him and showing him?

Meridien · 06/02/2017 10:11

If you do end up lending it, make sure it's a proper repayment mortgage, with the statutory warning about your house may be repossessed if you don't keep up the payments. Get a solicitor to draw up a schedule of repayments, starting one calendar month after the money is paid over, at a commercial interest rate, with a fixed term that suits you. Then it's registered at the Land Registry as a second (or maybe third?) charge on her property.

Of course you'll want to know first that the house and the borrowers are good for the money so your solicitor will do the appropriate searches including a credit status check, the borrowers will produce proof of income, and the house will be valued. Then you send her a mortgage offer time limited to 28 days for acceptance. All this will be at the borrower's cost as is usual with any mortgage.

Will this piss her off? You bet, but if she wants you to be a moneylender, do it properly. She probably won't want your money after that. Result!

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/02/2017 10:12

Yeah, this. Except I don't think it matters who's in what perm roles and who pays for what. It shouldn'e be dished out regardless.

Sorry OP, but FOG or not, if he insisted on going through with this I'd be beyond hopping mad and it would make me question the very foundations of the relationship. I just couldn't be with someone who wasn't going to put our child's financial stability first. What's going to happen if he gives it to her, you save up again and she decides she wants a loft conversion? New kitchen? Re-wiring? The list is potentially endless!

Meridien · 06/02/2017 10:16

I forgot to say in previous post, that if you want to know how much £10,000 over, say, five years will cost on a repayment mortgage, there are plenty of mortgage calculators online. I imagine your own bank has one!

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