Debt mutual support thread number 7 ....... Spring is coming - let the sun shine into your finances and your life

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last six threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2258202-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-6-start-the-new-year-with-a-clear-purpose-and-keep-moving-forwards-even-by-tiny-steps?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

bloody spelling mistakes sorry

Well, I've been poorly and had to have a few days off school, I think the relief of DH getting a job has made me relax enough that all the underlying stress from the last year and a half has coming flooding through and 'got me'. Had to work through a range of emotion stuff too, his job means he won't be here very often in the week which puts everything on me, and the kids are very busy in the evenings so I won't get much downtime at all. Plus, I know what he's like, if I need him to do something it will be ' I've got to work' but if it's something HE wants to do like a governors meeting, he makes it happen. I will be laying some ground rules because there's no way I'm going back to the days of him not thinking he had to do anything at home to help just because he'd been away during the week.

So, I am going through the house (again!) being ruthless in getting rid of stuff. I figure the less we have the easier it will be to keep on top of things. I need to buy DS1 some extra kit eg swimmers and school pe kit so that I don't HAVE to turn round the wash as quickly as he'll have duplicates. I'm going to have to be super organised, and Im thinking about giving the kids set chores, only simple ones, but they will have to help me out too.

I am going to pay minimums only on the CCs this month and next and then once DHs salary kicks in I can start making inroads into the debt. I'm hoping that by the end of next year we will be debt free, with savings and replenished kids accounts. I am going to move their trust funds over to junior isas and we are going to save a set amount for each of them, probably £5k each. Any other money for them will be saved in our names so we can control it.

So, it's a case of grinning and bearing it until May 1st when my new regime starts with a vengeance. Every penny a prisoner, I want our debts gone asap! Oh, and the good news is that the new company will give DH a work credit card so his expenses etc won't impact on our finances. Once he gets his company car we can sell our runaround so that's £700 ish which can go straight to a CC. I won't apply for any other cards yet, but I will shuffle round the ones we have to try and reduce the interest we have to pay.

andsmile
I can't remember if you are using YNAB, but might it help to put stuff on as you PLAN to spend it - so before you actually do - and then be able to put it back on the shelf
Takeaways - yup, they have to stop.
Get some of the Ready, Steady, Cook books from a second hand shop and then you can cook suppers in less time than it takes to get something delivered.

jickchick
Write down the house rules and put them on the fridge.
It helps.

Ursula
linked to that - why not have a piece of paper on the fridge listing what you spent on yourself for the week, with a column for him to put in what he's spent.
If he writes nothing there, then ask him to pay the money off debt.
If he does write stuff there it might start shaming him into spending less.

Fairy
Its tough, but every month that you live without adding to debt is a month longer in the future that you'll be debt free.

It IS worth it.

Ursula I am totally wiped out at the moment and really run down. I have worked none-stop for about 3 weeks now - today is the first day I've done nothing, but plan to start this evening. My workload atm is mental. I finished teaching content before Christmas for GCSE, but got bollocked over their shit mock exam results as this was put on a back-burner whilst I finished all Lit stuff (if being a mock) so we had another mock last week and I've taught relentlessly for that. Great results by the look of it but I still need to do a lot on Lit revision. Couple that with A Level coursework drafts and exam prep and a BTEC I now run that I don't understand. I've also just started a leadership course which I said I wasn't going to do and got sucked in. This post will have completely outed me to any colleagues!! I can't wait until Easter. I need a proper break (although I've already agreed a full day of teaching for revision...). I'm my own worst enemy at times. It comes with holding a minor responsibility so I still have 22 teaching hours but lots of extra stuff on top. Could do with a promotion, better money and more frees to do stuff at work!!!

I've been spending too. As I said in previous post, I''ve been working hard, so went out and had lunch today. It's the first time I've had a meal out since DS's birthday in December and certainly not something we do regularly, but I feel so guilty we did it! Both of us feel like we live this relentless life but see little by way of reward. We have a really good income on paper, yet our home is a state and we have so little money to do anything nice. Fed up.

I'm also marking and moderating this year Ursula, so praying that is worth it. When I marked on paper, it took me the same time to do 600 scripts as it now takes to do 250, but I used to get around 1600, now I'm lucky to see 1000 which narks me right off. We're changing board for new spec, so hoping that lot pay better .

Apologies for spelling. My brain hurts.

Kinky I don't think you should feel guilty for going out for one lunch every few months. But perhaps that's just me? We go out to eat as a family one a month I'd say - usually a £40 spend and split between DH and myself. I also meet up with friends for cake and tea every so often.

My big change has been not putting anything on a cc anymore. I did really well for this between May and October last year but then had a crazy moment when I bought quite a few things - I'm back on track now. It was things like birthdays and theatre / gig tickets ('they might sell out!'moments) that would get me - to my shame. It wasn't always essentials.

As far as I see it, if I'm paying above the minimum and not putting anything on credit, or using my OD then I don't give myself too hard a time. That's not to say that I'm not hopefully of learning to be more frugal. I'm quite easily duped by marketing I think, and can be quite an impulse spender. Too quick to equate spending money with giving love when it comes to my children.

tip I will consider that idea!

Kinky don't feel bad. We still eat out sometimes. We do bugger all else and to be honest it's the one thing that makes me feel human and that life isn't totally crap. So we try to use any extra money to have an eating out treat once a month. Quite often we use our clubcard vouchers for pizza express or somewhere else. As a family we love to eat out. To be honest I think most families have a "thing" they enjoy that costs money, for some it's a sports thing or a going out for a day thing, for us it's eating out somewhere.

Right. .... well.... I'm totally depressed actually. I am not even sure if I should be posting this really because I guess a lot of how I feel is emotionally charged but sod it. Dh and I argued nearly on and off the whole time he was off. I'm not even sure why half the time. We just both feel stressed and seem to rub each other up the wrong way. I think part of it is that I've not been feeling too well and when I get like that I just really need my own space and peace and with the two dc constantly on at me I don't get it... and then when I do sit down I then get dh on at me. And if I don't seem immediately engaged he starts asking me what's wrong and to be honest I just want to be on my own reading or fiddling about on here!

It's all getting to me really. Yesterday we had another stupid row about giving dd a very small amount of money to go out with her friends and I said to him he was being ridiculous and if we all spend a small amount on treats then the same amount of money for her to go out is absolutely fine and she is almost entitled to it. He thinks not. He thinks she should have to earn pocket money in the sense that little chores should have to be done. And whilst I can see his side and many on here would agree (and have when I've said it before) it just isn't my style of parenting. I feel like if I'm the one who's at home with the kids most of the time then he should let me sort stuff like that out myself... then of course he says fine I won't get involved at all then (in a sarcastic, hurt way).

I also feel everyone is so fucking negative all the time it's doing my head in (oh the irony, I'm moaning here too). Dh is always moaning about how awful work is, how much he hates it, how much he hates my mum (who he's hardly seen apart from 20 mins since two weeks ago), how he thinks dds friends are awful blah blah. And then I have my mum going on about how much she hates her partner and he's so rude about him! This poor bloke has given up the council house he's had for 30 years to move in with her and all she does is go on about how fat he is (!) And how he is thick and ignorant.. and lots of other stuff.

I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off to be honest. Everyone is so full of hate and anger and I am genuinely not. I just want to have a peaceful quiet life and get on with things. I feel like my whole life has been stress and now I am getting older and I just want to have some bloody peace in my life.

Coupled with all that dd is having issues with her friends at school and i'm trying my best to help and guide her with it but she's getting so upset and it's very hard. She has spoken to the teacher about it and still has lots of friends that she's been out with this weekend. It's just one particular girl. I was bullied badly at school to the point of changing schools so I am very aware and trying my best but maybe I am overreacting. I have no idea. It's like swimming in mud.

So with all that as backdrop I am in the overdraft again by about £100. I just haven't kept my eye on the ball. My eyes are tired and I am worn out.

(((((( Fairy ))))))
I know that you are the one of us who has the most distant light at the end of the tunnel
BUT
When your little one starts school you'll suddenly have a LOT more time.
Your DH does need to step up to the plate, but I/we understand that you chose a low octane bloke after uber stress with the high octane type
families
nightmare aren't they
both of you might benefit from written mood / rant diaries that you offload and then swap weekly so that the temperature reduces

FWIW eating out is my real weakness / joy

I'll camp on holiday so that I can eat out every night

cooking and eating and drinking well is what makes life worth living

clothes, makeup, haircuts, manicures - all that is by the by
but a good supper like the fab curry that DH and DS cooked from scratch tonight is a thing of joy

Oh fairy, it all just sounds grim at the moment, hard when everyone is down or needing you. Fwiw dd doesn't do anything for her allowance but I do take half of it off the following week if her from is beyond awful all month.
Ursuline - avoiding the cc is really good.
Kinky, we've dropped rafting out, even thibgs like Costa, but I agree with fairy that every family has a thing they spend money on. Ours is performing arts.

fairy - I completely understand about the negativity getting you down. DH was like this for at least three years when our financial struggles were at their worst. He did a PGCE and had a torrid time, and then was unable to get a permanent job which led to years if supply. Some months I'd pay more out for childcare than he earned. He would constantly talk about how poor we were, how stupid to have a second child, how we would never be able to take the children abroad or buy a slightly larger home. It was so very depressing and led to me having quite low self esteem.

He is much better now - completely different in fact and it is largely due to circumstances changing and things will get easier for you too as you keep (however slowly) paying the debt down, DS gets bigger and you have more time etc

You sound very strong to me - you are dealing with some very difficult situations and still you try to move forward with it. I firmly believe it's not what happens to us in life that defines us but how we deal with it.

Family - I don't always enjoy the company of all my relatives - and I do hold onto some bitterness due to past (and ongoing) treatment - but like you I can't just cut them out. It's mostly aunties who look down on me for not being wealthy and having beautiful big houses like they do but it would hurt my mum to much if I refused to keep seeing them. My extended family are very possession / money oriented unfortunately.

Hi everyone
This month will be a nightmare finance wise, but tbh it's the least of my worries atm....my bil had a haemoragic stoke on weds :(
We were called to the hospital at 3am on Thursday and told to prepare ourselves :(
Luckily he is improving and may be transferred back to our local hospital tomorrow.
He is 38 :(

Oh Baddz that's awful I'm so sorry.

Baddz sending much love to you and your family .

Lots of wisdom spoken on here at times. I try not to spend on anything, but sometimes the resentment builds up and we just need a day off it all . We had one yesterday, it was lovely and now we are back on!

fairy I agree with much of what Ursula wrote. I find things are cyclical and you will move through to better times.

I mean, I moan and moan (as I'm sure you are all aware ) but compared to four years ago when I was sat next to my daughter in the cancer ward as she fought neutropenic sepsis (death's door), I know this time is golden in comparison.

Kinky...yes I know what you mean.
It does sort of out my whinging about money into perspective.
Hopefully going to see him today.

Baddz so sorry to hear about your BIL, wishing him all the best, sounds like he's a fighter if he's already improved enough to be considered for a transfer.
Fairy sounds like it's time to break out that emergency pack, lock yourself in the bathroom and tell DH to deal with the kids while you have a bath and some quiet time.
I've fallen off th wagon a bit money wise, have had so many things pop up that need paying for this month, not least Mother's Day, 4 family birthdays, and eraser, plus Horsebox has its plating on Tuesday, etc etc that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I'll get my budget app updated tomorrow or Tuesday and get my head round what to do again. I did the sensible thing this month and paid £800 off credit card instead of putting it into maternity savings, but it means 've got to put extra into savings for the next four months to make up for none this month. And I onlyhave 7.5 weeks until baby arrives and just a bit overwhelmed generally. BUT it is a beautiful, sunny day out there, I am going to finish the cushion cover I'm making, get the house today and roast a chickens, and be glad I can achieve all those things. After another cup of tea....

Gratitude is certainly a good thing to cultivate jonty. March is a busy birthday and occasion month for us too.

Well big news here. Paid off a credit card. Now down to 2 ccs and a sofa on finance . We had money left from downsizing a car. I'm not keen on the 'new' (old) one.

Emergency fund now down to £500 which is psychologically right for us.

Total debt down from £45k to £15k.

I'm going hell for leather on extra hours until I finish current job in 2months. Dh thinks he Might be due a small bonus but definitely not counting on it.

Baddz - is this the rich BIL? Married to your spendy sister? Best wishes for a speedy recovery but it sort of shows there are some things money just can't buy. (Apologies if it isn't).

Fairy - we pay for cleaners. That's our luxury. It improves my life beyond anything else. I completely understand the one Achilles heel. For us we find we budget for it and then enjoy and reap the 'rewards'. It takes the edge off the guilt.

((((( Baddz )))) odd as it may seem, talk of a hospital transfer is incredibly good news as they never transfer if there is a risk of mortality in transit

And YES, YES, YES
rant, rave, moan, gripe hrruummpphh on here
that is the point of these threads
to get it out of your system in a way that reduces stress and hassle rather than increases it

I've been ebaying this week : making DH look at books and clothes and furniture that we keep because we do
£30 in cash this weekend for tat out of the spare room - nice tat, but not stuff we needed and the new owners will enjoy it
next week is clothes - harder work to sell but better margins

I have the same name on ebay for those sad enough to check - rarely post there now but I was part of the furniture there several years ago

Lying in wait! Wow! 30 grand down that's amazing.

Thanks- it's the sale of 2 financed cars that did it. Both gone now, replaced with functional old cars.

Could be a money pit mistake, but we're willing to risk it.

Yes that's him lying.
Really really upsetting seeing him so helpless...was quite a go getter prior to the stroke :(
My poor sister.
She is bearing up.
Mum and I are doing everything we can...phone calls, picking up shopping, washing etc.
Just feel so helpless....