Debt support thread #2

[Nerfmother]

Here we are! Can't be bothered to think of an exciting title, sorry

Mum2Fergus that's us too - reasonable wage and given lots of credit. I'm hoping to have reduced my debt by £3K by Christmas. I'm spending close to £300 a month paying off debt at the moment. It's all my own fault obviously but still so annoying.

I just get a massive buzz from buying new stuff, heavens knows why as I come from an affluent mc background with no money worries although never spoilt. None of my family are like me and completely despair. I spend half my life hating myself and the other half thinking what the hell, we are only here once and then spend some more . It's very complex just like over eating, drinking, gambling etc.

I think it's a lot to do with a poor childhood for me as well, although in a different way to you Golden. My mum was obsessed with the idea of never owing anyone anything and so, as we never had much money, she missed out on so many experiences. She finished school and went straight to work although she would have loved to go into further edication, never went abroad until I was in my late teens, never decorated the house, never had nice clothes. As soon as I had access to my own money and to credit I was determined to "make the most of it" - ie get up to my eyes in debt So my debts are a result of a bachelors degree, a masters, a lengthy round the world trip, a wedding and two children. All things I am very pleased to have experienced! So although I regret the actual debt, I don't really regret running it up! Bad, unrepentant debtor

And the really important thing to remember is

Regret what you have done, not what you have not

"stuff" is just stuff
the vast bulk of people with lots of "stuff" are in debt - living beyong their means

the truly well off tend not to have loads of "stuff" - they have less but higher quality

live for yourself, not by comparing with others
if you stand tall, others will want to be like you

talkinpeace you talk a lot of sense.

Our debt is down to small amounts of overspending in all areas of life over a long time. Our biggest downfall was not knowing how much we were spending and on what. Finally got a grip of things a year ago and are making big inroads now. Wish we'd realised sooner but we're onto it now and don't look back.

We realised how bad our problems were after finally sitting down to list all our outgoings and in comings. We were basically paying minimum payment off cc's and then using them to pay for weekly shop therefore in a never ending circle.
We have borrowed money to carry out home improvements, then car needed replacing so hence another loan. We used cc's for Christmas, special events even holidays! These were partly to numb the pain of some difficult times (three miscarriages and death of a close family member)

I suppose there was also an element of keeping up with the Jones's. It's a huge embarrassment now to know that we have got ourselves in this situation!

mygolden DS is now coming up to 3 years old and almost all of his clothes have been seconds. Even his NEXT christening suit was second had. He gets the odd new tshirt from tescos in the sale , he doesn't care, most have hardly been worn and when im done with them I sell them on. They all come from Facebook selling sites

Golden just to give the reverse side of the argument, my Dd1 had some lovely clothes as a baby, and more second hand stuff as a toddler. I'm now finding that I get a totally second life out of her expensive stuff for DD2, whereas a lot of the second hand stuff is really past it's best. So if you are planning on having more children its not always a waste to buy well, it's an investment. But not if you are putting it on cards etc, that is always madness.

Actually that reminds me - DD2 is already too chunky for a lot of DD1s littler clothes so I'm going to try them on EBay. (Our Local FB pages are very slow)I've never sold on EBay before and don't really know where to begin. Does anyone have any tips or tricks, or any novice errors to avoid etc?

MyGolden working class too. My parents didn't have much money - things were tight growing up. They bought a house under the promise of decent payrises that never materialised. We got over-treated at Christmas to compensate I think. My mum hoards stuff and likes to buy - usually to treat us. I'm very like her. I'd finally got a grip a few years ago, but DD got leukaemia and my resolve went right out of the window. I spent stupid amounts on toys and bits to keep both DC happy through that very difficult time, plus we burned through money during 12 long hospital stays. We also threw caution to the wind on a very, very expensive holiday to Disney last year when she finished treatment as it's all she wanted to do. We'll be paying that off for a while to come.

I spoke to our social worker (we get one automatically when a child gets a cancer DX.) She said it is a very common reaction to spend a lot to try and compensate and because you stop caring about the future.

Now, we owe a lot, but I have reflected and examined and am trying to come to terms with the things that have happened. I'm hoping this is the start of us really being settled as a family, as since DH and I married nearly 8 years ago, it has literally been one thing after the next going wrong and each thing has had negative financial consequences.

Onwards and upwards! This is our new start.

kinky friends of ours ended up with huge debts and a debt management plan. He had a lower limb amputation due to cancer in his early twenties. I'm sure that's why they used to spend so freely as their view of the future became very different. He's now in his late forties and they've just finished paying the debts off. It took them years to realise the situation they were in so good on you for getting to grips with things so quickly. Good luck

Thanks for the links, I'm reading through

My problems are caused by numerous things. Houses not selling, four redundancies and a prem baby (amazing how that costs us) are the not embarrassing ones.
A dh who is incapable of money management, saving, or seeing problems is my biggest but I am also a soft touch and hate always being the boring one who has to say no. I also occasionally get pissed off that because I am the boring one I am the one who goes without and then I too spend money we don't have, are the embarrassing ones.
I get very overwhelmed with trying to manage out money. I try logical systems but I never quite feel in control (partly I guess because I can't stop him spending money he has earned)

Gosh it's all got a bit confessional in here!
Basic lack of budgeting skills - not even thinking about what needs to be paid monthly, long history from childhood of monied relatives, cash splashing around, being bailed out and not realising that I wasn't actually at the same income level when I grew up. Cash chucked my way with no advice on using it. DV first marriage, no maintenance, disabled second child, gave up work without thinking of the financial consequences, second dh and I didn't budget.
But essentially, a spreadsheet earlier on would have been a plan!

But essentially, a spreadsheet earlier on would have been a plan!

I think that sums it up quite nicely Nerf!!

Yy to spreadsheet earlier - but better late than never. When the sea is calm it is quite easy to manage but get into life changing events and it takes a strong person (or TiP) to keep the finance tiller steady amongst the rolling waves and lashing rain...

I'm embarrassed as so many valid and sad reasons for people getting into debt here. Mine is pure lack of self control and wanting to live in the here and now .

Funnily enough I've always kept spreadsheets but brain seems incapable of making the link between budgeting and income etc. I have a synapse missing .

Hello everyone and huge congrats on the babies, jobs and pay rises!

My resolve is back in action, took myself in hand a bit last weekend and made a meal plan, stuck to it and am feeling quite chuffed with myself. Still struggling a bit with the organisation, we ate well, on budget and DH and I had packed lunches each day as planned but the house is a tip and I've a pile of ironing!

The way I'm working paying off the debt (which is the mortgage) is by sending the savings I make straight to the debt. I had drifted back into spending £4 a day on lunches, so each day I remembered to take a packed lunch I transferred that £4 over for example.

£4 sounds like a drop in the ocean but last week my shopping cost £40, this week it was nearer £70 because I bought washing powder, loo rolls, tuna, etc things I will only buy once a month or less but all around the £4 mark each. Thinking of it this way stops me thinking oh sod it it's only £4 :-)

Now going to tackle the housework, onwards and upwards!

Burma- I have spreadsheets too, I'm also missing that synapse

Thanks for sharing your stories. Hopefully we'll all get there :-) Next month is first month I should be able to start paying off the overdraft as well as paying off cards.

I was in M&S meeting friends for breakfast earlier and didn't buy any children's clothes like I normally would. It's not going to happen over night. I'm a compulsive spender and it's something I have to continually work on but I'll get there. I no longer automatically reach for the CCs and that's a big step in the right direction x

I'm missing the synapse too!

Burma I might have a sad reason for this time around, but, ultimately I am the same as you - I liked spending. I did it all through my twenties with happy abandon and without worrying about consequences. I also had lots of great nights out at £100 or so each time. I finally got a hold of it when I had DS, but the cancer put me back again. It's a hard pattern to break. At least we are all dealing with it now .

Getting into debt it easy.
In my case it involved drinking and then shopping.
Zilch sympathy needed or deserved.

The thing is that getting into debt can take a matter of minutes (store cards in particular)
and getting out takes years

I was in debt for 15 years and have been out of debt for 15 years
so I utterly understand the timescales

and realise how shittily selfish people like me are compared with friends and clients landed with Cerebral Palsy kids, or kids diagnosed with AML or kids hit by vans and in hospital for three months or a client who got menigitis

BUT
it is the reason why I stick with threads like this
you ladies are taking the steps I took to make yourselves resilient and to make sure that your kids are secure - which is high up on the desirable parental objectives

you are working on it
I've (nearly) done it
its bloody hard, but worth every second of dealing with reality

I think all of us could think of what ifs, and really despite the reasons unless someone came along and stole all our money one night, it's down to us which is good because it means we can also be in control of the solution. Equally - started this as a non judgy thread and it's going to stay that way!

Last bit to TiP who appears to be judging self

learn not judge .... very different ....

I ran up three months salary on a store card in 25 minutes one drunken lunchtime
I think it should be illegal so let somebody sign up for credit when they are drunk
I also think it should be illegal to offer credit to those who cannot afford to repay the capital

A certain level of debt is essential for trade
the assumption that you can have it today and pay for it later
is why we are fucking the planet that our children will inherit

those who learn to plan ahead - not necessarily have huge savings, but be resilient - are the future