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Original poster

How much does his ex really get?

504 replies

WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 11:11

How much money does a single parent get in benefits? I ask because my partner is paying his ex over the odds in maintenance because he thinks she is getting next to nothing. However, a friend of mine says his ex gets more money than him due to the amount of benefit she receives.

Can anyone tell me how much (roughly) per month it's possible to get as a single SAHM with one child? Bearing in mind that she is living in their old house with a mortgage on it?

OP posts:
Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:32

I know this is a contentious issue, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, I didn't realise it was going to turn out like this.

A few bits of info for those asking:-

  1. I think her family are paying the mortgage and BF has agreed that he will forego any equity when/if she sells it
  2. Maintenance and access are linked but BF doesn't want to get court involved, at this stage
  3. He is paying approx 30% of his earnings to her and it's a struggle for him, even though he gets a decent salary
  4. They split up last summer so it's a relatively new situation
  5. I care very much for SD and I will always want her to have at least as good a quality of life as any child we have together and I would never want her to go without.
OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2013 13:33

Cheese - I'm not an LP and I still have an issue with the attitude that the OP appears to have towards her partner's child and ex.

Wasp - you were brave to admit being the OW...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2013 13:37

What does it matter if her family are paying the mortgage?

30% is generous, I see this as a good thing and to be encouraged. It probably reflects much more accurately the actual costs of raising a child than the paltry 15% that the CSA award. Something which your BF has obviously realised and acted on.

You haven't answered - what is his view on all this?

AmberLeaf · 09/01/2013 13:39

You were the other woman?

They split only what 6 months ago?

I think you are rushing into things somewhat if you are already planning to have a baby with a man who was in a relationship with someone else only 6 months ago TBH.

Or are you one of those OW who wants a baby as quick as possible so you can have a perceived 'equal footing' to the ex?

In short....slow down.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:40

Sorry, I got a bit lost in all the in-fighting. What's his view on what?

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 09/01/2013 13:41

It seems that the op would like the information so that she can make sure things are fair, nothing wrong with that

2 people have already decided what is fair. Why does the OP feel the need to 'revisit' what has already been determined as 'fair'. Being 'fair' is subjective. I doubt that what the ex and her DP see as fair will be viewed in the same way by the OP, so all this 'I want to see what is fair' nonsense is simply interfering with an agreement that was no doubt difficult to reach given the surrounding circumstances.

I just can't get over someone thinking maintenance money, to support a child, is fair game to someone not even pregnant, and thinking about how to fund their maternity leave.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 09/01/2013 13:43

So how long were you the bit on the side? Just wondering how long you have known this man you are planning on having a child with.

How old is his child?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 09/01/2013 13:43

Last summer is still pretty new, so likely visitation will settle down as things move forward.

But maintenance and access are very definitely NOT LINKED unless you are in another country than the UK.

You have to pay maintenance regardless of your access to the child. A court will look badly at anyone withholding maintenance for access.

I don't see what the OP has done which is showing any sort of bad attitude to her partners child and his ex? Where is this?

She's trying to get a handle on how fair things are.

FairyJen · 09/01/2013 13:43

wasp you were the ow which personally I find despicable anyway. This situation has only been going in 6 months and already your thinking of having a baby and cutting his maintenance payments.

God help his dd in the future if this is where your at in 6 months.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:44

Amber - you are very cynical, what sort of person would have a baby for that reason?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 09/01/2013 13:46

Someone like you by the sounds of it Wasp!

Why do you want to have a baby with a man that was with someone else only 6 months ago?

How long have you known him?

FairyJen · 09/01/2013 13:46

What sort of person wants to take a child's money to fund their own maternity?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 09/01/2013 13:46

How much is 30% of his salary? That could be £50, it could be £500. The actual figure being paid is what counts, not what % of his salary he is paying, if you are looking to find out how feasible it is that the ex is either struggling or not.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:46

There was a thread earlier about how to become popular on Mumsnet - I think I may have found out to very quickly become extremely unpopular :(

OP posts:
fackinell · 09/01/2013 13:47

Wasp, my DP has a 16yo DD. he pays over the min set by CSA, pays his DD 25 a mth pocket money into her account and trips/clothes/treats etc when req. his ExW lives with her 'affair' partner and we genuinely struggle. Food shopping generally goes on a CC and we can't afford a much needed holiday. ExW went abroad for 2 wks last summer, I haven't been away for 4yrs.

Yes it's frustrating, but I came into this relationship with my eyes and arms wide open to embrace his daughter (she fecking hates my very existence in spite of all this, and we have put new boundaries in place so i don't constantly feel like a cuckoo in the nest, but not the point).

We would like a baby but it would be a huge struggle. It won't stop us as we will cut our cloth to fit without any detriment to his DD. it's tough but when I want to open my mouth to complain I tell myself 'suck it up, buttercup!!' You'll find a way.

Rather sad if you are an OW in the biblical sense. Pardon me if I'm getting the situ wrong but if they do it with you, they'll do it to you!!

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:47

Now I've got an awful feeling his ex is on here [HELP]

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2013 13:51

Sorry, I got a bit lost in all the in-fighting. What's his view on what?

On how much money he should be paying?

Were you seriously the OW? And now you've been shacked up 6 months and you've decided you want a baby and are looking at how to fund that by getting your BF to cut the money his gives his child?

Wow.

He is clearly an arse also if the above situation is true.

His poor little girl.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:51

fackinell - it's complicated but I suppose I am, and I know that's how she sees it. Fact is he'd been unhappy for years and we were close friends.

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 09/01/2013 13:51

So the general attitude is that once maintenance level is set, it should never again be reviewed or changed regardless of any changes in circumstance? Because that seems to be what a lot of people are insinuating?

What if the OP's P took a pay cut? He would have to reduce maintenance then?

What if the OP's P was still with his ex, would a reduction in his wages affect her then? Yes.

Nothing is set in stone. Income can and does change. Regardless of if you are in a core family unit or in a merged family you have to expect that things may change and your income may not remain the same due to various circumstances.

The explanation of why CSA reduces when you have another child explains why you have to allow for this.

The OP has nothing more than try to figure out that if she does get pregnant, and they do have to (though don't wan to) reduce maintenance, will it be fair on the ex and not detrimental to the SD. I don't see what is so terrible about that.

OP - Slow down. Six months in is tooooooo fast.

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 13:52

wow.

FairyJen · 09/01/2013 13:54

"he'd been unhappy for years"

Imagine how his fucking ex felt thanks to the two of you!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2013 13:55

Good grief.

So your clock was ticking and you've decided to muscle in on someone else's family set up?

ArtexMonkey · 09/01/2013 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 09/01/2013 13:55

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots - because if the two people have decided what is fair is only possible if the OP funds her DP's lifestyle and he doesn't have to live from his wage, then it's only 'fair' that she gets a say. If he can only afford to pay 30% because she is paying the bulk of the bills in his current home, that is only sustainable as long as she's doing that. If she stops working, goes on maternity leave, or just walks out on her DP, then the exW can say all she likes "but you agreed to pay £x in maintenance" it doesn't change that will no longer be phyiscally possible.

The state says the ExW only needs 15% - at the moment it seems he's giving a much higher percentage - 30% that's not sustainable, finding out roughly what the exW has coming in and her rough outgoings to work out where between 30% and 15% that would still give the DCs a comfortable lifestyle isn't that wrong.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 13:56

Alibaba - he pays £500 and knows he can't keep the payments up long term.
I want to have a baby with him because I love him. We're not going to try for a while anyway. Also, and this is very important in my decision to have a child, I know 100% that I could support him/her on my own, if I ever had to.

OP posts: