Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How much does his ex really get?

504 replies

WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 11:11

How much money does a single parent get in benefits? I ask because my partner is paying his ex over the odds in maintenance because he thinks she is getting next to nothing. However, a friend of mine says his ex gets more money than him due to the amount of benefit she receives.

Can anyone tell me how much (roughly) per month it's possible to get as a single SAHM with one child? Bearing in mind that she is living in their old house with a mortgage on it?

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:05

my ex has reduced mainetance payments 3 times this year (and kept it at the reduced rate each time!) so he could a) buy a house b) buy an engagement ring, and c) buy a car. and he wonders why i dont accept his friend requests on FB. as if i want to see photos of his lovely new house, car, engagement ring when i'm struggling to buy electric to cook with!

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 12:05

twofingers, that's awful, I hate that sort of thing. My Mum brought me and my 2 siblings up as a single mother in the 80's and she got nothing from my Dad and struggled like hell. She even went to evening classes to get qualifications and ended up gettting a really good career. I honestly don't know how she managed.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:07

it shocks me that given your upbringing you seem completely devoid of any understanding of your partner's ex and how she might have things a bit tight!

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 09/01/2013 12:09

OP OVER HERE!
Theres normally an online calculator for the relevant council which will answer your question

As for the mortgage question, i dont believe the council will pay housing benefit if your on the mortgage or what could be perceived as a financial interest e.g ex husband rents it to you. Although there could be exceptions obviously

Hope this helps

OneLittleToddlingTerror · 09/01/2013 12:11

twofingers that's exactly why I wrote that post. It's a situation too many of us mothers are facing.

GothAnneGeddes · 09/01/2013 12:13

Oh dear.

O.P no one has been unduly harsh on here, there's been very good advice given out.
And you do sound very cold hearted to a child. Who was around before you were on the scene and, push comes to shove, should always come first to your DP.

I bet you can't wait to have that baby with him and start pushing "the child" out of your lives even more.

Well, what goes around, comes around.

WhistlingNun · 09/01/2013 12:13

Theres normally an online calculator for the relevant council

LP benefits are the same across the UK. The only difference would be HB (which she's not getting) and the reduction in her council tax bill (biu she won't actually see this cash).

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 12:15

Booyhoo, I don't think I'm 'devoid of understanding', quite the opposite, I don't want her to struggle either, if we can carry on giving her this much each month then we will. Although I hope she is more reasonable regarding access.

OP posts:
DoubleYew · 09/01/2013 12:17

I am boggling more and more at this thread! What does your mother think about your plans I wonder?

This child is his child. The same as any child you have together will be his child. It is your future child's sibling. But you are keen to make sure their household lives on the absolute least you can possibley manage to persuade your partner to hand over?

OP, why is she not wanting the child to come to your house. How long have they been split up? How long have you been a couple? Of course if you don't want to discuss your personal business we'll understand...

WhistlingNun · 09/01/2013 12:17

Wasp - i think what you need it to go through a solicitor. I don't normally recommend this, but i think for both parties, a level of consistency is definitely needed.

This will ensure contact is scheduled and a level of maintenance is agreed upon.

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:18

i haven't seen any evidence on this thread of you understanding her situation at all!

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 12:19

Double - unfortunately I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2009, she'll never get to meet my first child and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:
DoubleYew · 09/01/2013 12:20

Sorry to hear about your mum. Same as my dad, its hard. But what do you think she would think?

Scrazy · 09/01/2013 12:22

WhistlingNun, really, how much does it reduce by?

It doesn't surprise me and I can see it causing problems. Now that maintenance isn't being clawed back into the government coffers they aren't bothered how much gets paid. I can imagine this creating difficulties if it reduces maintenance obligations.

badtasteflump · 09/01/2013 12:23

Wasp I agree you are getting a bit of a pasting on here. But the issue you don't seem to grasp is that your partner made a committment to support (financially and otherwise) his child when he decided to become a father. When he split with the mother that didn't change. When he met you that didn't change. If or when you decide to have more children, that still won't change.

What his first child needs comes first. If he can't then afford to have more children with a new partner, TBH, that's tough. If you or him need to work extra hours (or take less ML) to be able to pay for another child, that's what you have to do. Clawing back money from a child who already exists just isn't on.

I am speaking from the position of a married person who lives with the father of her children, so I think I'm pretty unbiased Smile

CheeseandPickledOnion · 09/01/2013 12:24

Wow, a lot of bitter women on here.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to try to understand the rough income her p's ex has if she is planning for the future.

How do you know she's not just trying to ensure things are fair for both parties?

As someone else mentioned CSA will reduce if you have a child together.

If you having a baby together significantly affects your income (which it will) and he is paying way over the odds in CSA, then I see no harm in looking at the situation and making it fair for all.

And for all the 'nasty' stepmums and ex's who appear to be living it up while paying fuck all, there are a fuck ton of us doing the opposite and genuinely helping and supporting our step children and their parents.

Back off, it doesn't sound like she's trying to leave this women and SD desolute, she's just trying to get a grip on what will be fair moving forward.

Original poster
WaspFactory · 09/01/2013 12:25

Whilst, admittedly, my original post may seem cold, it was a very short post and doesn't tell you much about our situation so please, don't judge me too harshly I may be 'a' OW but I'm not 'your' OW.

OP posts:
badtasteflump · 09/01/2013 12:25

PS Am really sorry to hear about your mum.

PPS Negotiating access to a child doesn't have anything to do with maintenance payments.

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:27

"I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to try to understand the rough income her p's ex has if she is planning for the future."

bollocks! would you say the same if OP was asking to see this woman's payslip if she was working?

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:28

you are an OW!

did your partner cheat on his ex with you?

OneLittleToddlingTerror · 09/01/2013 12:30

booyhoo that's harsh. I don't think it's part of the consideration about support of children from previous relationships.

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:30

and cheese as has already been said. the mother's income doesn't effect what the father has to pay so her income is irrelevant. he can pay what he wants as long as it meets the minimum requirements. he doesn't get to know what the mother has coming in every month no matter what he pays.

dietstartsmonday · 09/01/2013 12:30

I'm not sure why the OP has had such a hard time.

Her DP is paying over what he has to. The ex has insinuated she will be badly off if this drops. OP is looking to future and seeing the level may not be sustainable, so trying to get further info. Yes maybe the ex's income is none of her business but its a way for her to see what is reasnoble. She is looking at that as to ensure that any drop isn't detrimental to the child.

My point is you all are quick to say he has to provide for his child ( he is) but surely the mum holds as much responsibitly to provide for her DC. So as long as dad is paying what he has to, if there is a shorfall maybe mum needs to get a job and not just live off her ex and the state?

OP my advise would be to lower payments to just above the 15% and offer to pay half for things like school unifoirm, trips etc.

I am a SP and my ex pays well below what he is meant to ( self employed, good at hiding money) however i don't realy on it and have worked since my youngest was 3.5. I see that it is as much my job as his to provide.

Booyhoo · 09/01/2013 12:31

what is harsh?

DoubleYew · 09/01/2013 12:32

Op was the one who brought up contact.