Feelings after miscarriage

[hewlettsdaughter]

Hi everyone

This is my first post to mumsnet so apologies if I should have added to another thread instead of starting a new one. I've just had two early miscarriages a couple of months apart - both times I was only 4 or 5 weeks' pregnant so I hadn't known that I was pregnant for long. I don't feel terribly sad, I don't blame myself, but - at the moment - I DO feel angry. Has anyone else felt like this?

Late one tonight - felt like logging on and having a look!
Sibble - Men are strange creatures and so are women actually but we're easier to understand! You sound normal to me - acouple both wanting a baby but in different ways of showing it. Easier siad than done but try and relax a bit. I'm not there yet as far as trying but from reading recent threads it happens when you're relaxed - alcohol usually helps - well it does for me. It was extremley sensitive to what my DH was saying in the early days and when I look back to that 3 months ago I was a bit Ott and obsessive. I'm trying to chill abit - again easier said than done when you want something so much isn't it. Loss is so sad and can change things but hopefully for the better. I really would love to see us lot in the new babaies for next year threads and pass on some encouragement to those who will have m/c in the future!!!

Just wondering how you're feeling now sibble?

Relaxing sounds like good advice for all of us, I think, quackers.

Thanks for the messages. I really appreciate it. I am feeling much better. Was definately a bad case of PMT. Period started yesterday and today the cloud has lifted. Am trying to channel energy and relax. Am doing yoga twice a week again, lots of reiki(healing) and managed to get a job yesterday. I wasn't going to get one when we moved to NZ as thought I would be pg but as it is not happening and DS started kindy yesterday 9-3 3 days/week thought would have too much time on hands to wallow. So hopefully have new job will get pg.
Also decided you are right about wine - the odd glass will not hurt. DS turned out fine and didn't even know I was pg, was keeping most of the vineyards in Spain in business at the time! DH reckons I need to "chill" am trying too hard etc. So this month we are going to try the glass of wine in the spa approach to getting pg rather than me shouting, you can't go to work come back here I am fertile. He said it wasn't very romantic!! Poor thing!!

I haven't posted much on this thread, but it's such a comfort to hear you guys' words of wisdom, so I thought I'd just say thanks to everyone for posting and sharing.
What a lovely idea to plant something in momento. I've been thinking lately about what sex it would have been, who s/he would have looked like, etc. Am still ttc-didn't wait like advised because I feel ready I suppose. I dunno if I'm weird but sometimes I forget I had a m/c, like when dh says something about 'last time we conceived' and I think he's talking about dd. Am I in denial? Maybe. I just don't seem to have much emotion about it.....at the mo!

Sorry about the rambling! I do wish everyone luck in ttc-have fun! and hope too we can meet on a pg thread in the near future.

"you can't go to work come back here I am fertile" - LOL sibble! Glad you're feeling better. And boogs, someone at the bottom of this thread said there's no right or wrong way to feel - so you're not weird . Good luck to you.

No I wouldn't worry Boogs. I have never thought actually who it might have looked like etc.. Some days I feel right as rain and 'normal' and yes even that I forget I had one now because I knew once my body was back to normal I wouldbe as I'd had 3 months of bleeding and just wanted to feel normal. I have the odd day where I think about what happened and what I saw but the plant in the garden and my little pebble are a great little keepsake of what was for such a very short time. Gosh I've got tears in my eyes. Must be one of those days - I knew I was getting PMT - bugger.
Sibble - lots of love chuck - good luck in your job! Did u manage to speak to Ghosty.
HD - Hiya, you've got your work cut out then this month! Every 2 days! Wow I'd be lucky to get every 2 months at mo!

me again. Not sure if anybody else has felt like this but if I am not pregnant this month and little chance as Dh seems to have a fertility sensor and is avoiding me at those times I am going to stop ttc for a few months. Have decided to book a flight home with DS. I can't stop thinking that by now I would be 4 months, what the baby would have been like and it is just making me miserable. I am fine until I think I may be ovulating and then spend the next 2 weeks feeling tearful. I keep thinking of 24/11 my due date, how do you get past that date. Dh really doesn't understand and doesn't even try. Can't scroll past the "anybody due in Nov" thread without stomach churning....
Sorry to ramble on, bad day I guess, glad when next week comes, am certain period will start and can book flight.

Oh Sibble, so sorry you are feeling so down. You never know, this might be the month, but if not, chin up and maybe take a break, like you said. I m/c at 8 weeks 14 months ago and we have been trying ever since with no joy (I already have 1 ds). I found it ever so hard as the due date approached, as I had written it in big letters on every calendar/diary I had and no amount of Tippex was enough to get rid of it. Once the date passed, I think I relaxed more, but I know how you must be feeling. Sending .

So sorry to hear you feel so down Sibble. You have my sympathies and thoughts this month. I had a mc just over three years ago now. It took us just over a year to get pg again, at a time when we had stopped 'trying'. In fact I had just got a new job - ended up having to tell my head teacher that I was pg on my first day. The due date was hard for me - 31st December - but I kept myself busy, allowed myself a little time to myself in the evening, and after that I did feel a little better. Take care.

Sibble ... I know how you feel. The due date of the baby I lost was really hard ... In fact every day from when I lost it to when it would have been born was tough because like you I kept thinking 'I'd be 20 weeks now ...' etc.
It does get easier ... honest ... try to be kind to yourself ... thinking of you ... and pick up that phone woman!!!!

Sibble - I feel tearful just thinking of what you are going through - cyber hug from us all on this side of the world.

Have you bought something to commerate the baby you lost? We have a magnolia which flowers around the time of our miscarriage and it is surprising how much of a comfort it is. It acknowledges the pregnancy - and helps to acknowledge the loss.

Speak to you soon and book that ticket!

Sibble, agree with all the others here - so sorry you are feeling down, and yes, getting to and past what should have been your due date is the hardest thing in the world. A flowering tree or shrub for your lost baby is a nice idea - I resisted it for a while because I thought it would be something else for me to kill off. But my MIL bought a beautiful little crabapple tree for our son and seeing its apples forming at a time when our little ds2 should have been starting on solids, rolling over etc, is strangely comforting.
You can always share your feelings here. A lot of well-meaning friends and family do forget anniversaries of pregnancy loss or "don't like to bring up unhappy memories". Like we ever forget. Cyberhugs.

Sibble can see a girls trip to fiji in November
Can't think of right words to say.
Thinking of you and wish I could be of more help.

Sibble, I know it's a long way off but once you are past the due date, things will get better very quickly I'm sure. The baby I lost was due in April 2002, I spent most of March in tears (and started smoking again). Once April had come and gone, I was almost back to my normal self. You just have to give yourself time to get over it.

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I don't want to walk around like a permanent misery (end up being sibble no mates) but when something is in the back of your head all the time it is like that fuzzy feeling you have when trying to concentrate with flu so being able to put it on mumsnet is a great help. We are going to plant a native NZ tree at the botanical gardens - DH's mate runs it - Dh just needs to get on the case!! native because they cannot pull it down and not at the house because I will want to see it if we move. Couldn't bear the thought of somebody not looking after it. Just need to get through the next week then will be booking my flight.
Thanks again everybody

That sounds like a lovely idea Sibble.

Sibble, just caught up here. Hope you feel a little more positive today. I got fed up of seeing pg women. Poeple I hadn't seen asking what date I'm due and clearly not pg, people being due the day after etc... It's a real bummer and very disheartening. It;s good to come on here and talk to people in the same frame of mind!!

hi quackers
It is good to "let off steam" isn't it. I do feel more positive today, work is taking mind off it and have appointment come through for consultant re. cyst on ovary which has been playing on mind and not helping. I know what you mean about everybody being pregnant though. I met somebody this week in a shop in NZ who I worked with in the UK 11 years ago!!! She was pregnant with a dd 2 weeks after what would have been mine. I am sure I sound either gushy or unenthusiastic when people tell me they are pregnant and then feel really bad. There is also a mum at swimming who is "accidentally" pregnant with her 4th and moans about it all the time and I smile politely while mentally picturing pushing her in pool!!! Can say this on here but wouldn't to anybody I know, sounds really mean!
Hope you are OK too

Hi everyone, I've just read through all these messages and it's been helpful to know that there are others of you who are going through the same thing as me. I had a m/c in January - 11 weeks - (after 3 weeks of on / off bleeding and no / yes / no scans) - I had the d&c straight away and felt pretty low for a month or two. I've just had a very low week (triggered by another month of finding I'm not pregnant) and am finding it very difficult to find anyone to talk to - why aren't miscarriages acknowledged?! I also have a 2 yr old ds so am finding the toddler group pregnant mums a painful reminder. Sorry - nothing constructive to offer any other authors on this thread, but just wanted to let off some steam. Thanks.

Cazzzz, sorry to hear about your m/c and sorry you're feeling particularly low at the mo. Why aren't miscarriages acknowledged - that's a very good question! I found that once I spoke to one or two people about mine (and posted here) that it's much more common than you realise. I didn't do much to challenge the taboo though. When I returned to work I put "period-related problems" on my form and I didn't tell anybody there what had happened to me, other than a couple of close friends.

Hi Hewlettsdaughter - Thanks for your message. Had another bad morning today - burst into tears in front of toddler group (!) - Hope noone thinks I've lost it!!! Feeling a lot better this evening... but really want to get pregnant! Everyone keeps saying that if you're stressed about getting pregnant then it won't happen - blurggggh - feels like a catch 22 situation!! Thanks for being there.

Cazzzz, don't feel bad about bursting into tears. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to get pregnant and trying not to get stressed etc. I thought I might be pregnant this month, despite not feeling it, because my period took so long to arrive. Have you been trying long?

hello cazzzz, sorry to hear you have been feeling miserable. it must have been awful to have the uncertainty dragged out so long.

i have just had an early m/c after what i thought was, but objectively wasn't - hope that makes sensw - some time spent ttc.

i think i can understand how you feel - i have been ok so far, but have a feeling that my bad feelings are yet to come as we make the next attempt...

anyway, sorry for going on about my situation, just wanted to offer fellow feeling and support. hope it happens for you soon, best wishes, bkx.

Hi - thanks for the messages. Sorry I take so long to reply - I'm a rather intermittant web browser! Hewlettsdaughter - the getting pregnant thing - no we haven't been trying long (4 months since m/c) but in total with m/c it's now been a year that we're still at 'stage 1'. Feeling okay today - (probably because it's the middle of the month!) - dh and I have also arranged to leave our ds with the grandparents for a few days, so that will be a good break. Bossykate - thanks for being a kindred spirit - it's exhausting this monthly up and down rollercoaster of emotions isn't it? Good luck to you too.

Hi Cazzzz, glad you've been feeling a bit better today. I'm sorry things haven't been working out for you. You're not the only one to describe the whole business of trying to conceive as a rollercoaster! A break sounds great, are you going to go away?
Hope you're ok, bossykate.