Feelings after miscarriage

[hewlettsdaughter]

Hi everyone

This is my first post to mumsnet so apologies if I should have added to another thread instead of starting a new one. I've just had two early miscarriages a couple of months apart - both times I was only 4 or 5 weeks' pregnant so I hadn't known that I was pregnant for long. I don't feel terribly sad, I don't blame myself, but - at the moment - I DO feel angry. Has anyone else felt like this?

thanks, hewlettsdaughter and cazzzz, i'm basically ok. have found myself in the rather bizarre situation of comforting and reassuring others as they commiserate with me - saying things like "oh, it was so early" or "we're so lucky we already have a child..."

yet have felt my hackles rising when anyone has asked me "how many weeks?" or "was this your first pregnancy?" odd, no?

hardly anyone from my "real" life knows what has happened - my mother and sister, dh's parents, the hospital staff and nursery staff at ds's nursery. we told him he might have a brother or sister and there would be a baby coming to live in the house (yes, utterly, utterly stupid in retrospect) and while he is too young to really know what has happened he mentioned it at nursery so we have had the staff congratulating us so we have had to tell them and now every time i go in there someone else is coming up to me and telling me how sorry they are! and then i'm doing the "oh it was so early..." etc, etc.

hope you are both ok.

Bossykate, I know what you mean. Apart from DH, only one friend knew and I decided against telling a couple of other people as some of them have been through a miscarriage themselves and some of them have had terrible experiences of having a stillborn. I felt that 'I' knew it was early but I didn't want other people telling me 'well it was very early days anyway' and 'you already have one'. I did ask DS whether he would like a baby in the house and he said no so we left it at that. I too feel that the real emotions will come when we hopefully conceive again and have to pass those worrying few weeks.

Bluestar, bossykate, cazzzz, hewlettsdaughter, cyberhugs to you all. Bluestar, speaking for myself (can't for others, of course), I lost a baby at 22 weeks so he was a late miscarriage to some and an early stillbirth to others. What I'm trying to say (badly, apologies) is don't feel that people who lost a baby "later" might not want to hear about your experiences, or share and empathise with them. I don't think I'd ever use the words "early days, eh" or "you've already got one" in connection with someone else's loss - I know how it hurts to hear these things said by others, even if you have been trying them out on yourself inwardly to see if they help...

Hi Bossykate and Bluestar, have been reading your posts and really feel for both of you. BK, I too told DS there would be a baby coming to live in the house, and too regretted it initially because at 3.5 he doesn't really understand why there is now no baby coming to live with us, but in retrospect I am glad he knew because as small as he is he needed to understand why I was so upset, crying at odd times, going to hospital etc. He also told the nursery and all sorts of "strange" people and I found myself reassuring them it "didn't matter" but found I felt better when I started saying, "yes it is sad and I am still very upset" or something similar. It might not have made them very comfortable but I felt better for acknowledging it. As somebody else said it doesn't matter how "early" your loss was, you are still grieving and that is important to acknowledge. It is now 3 months since my m/c and I still think about it, not as much and not so tearfully but am glad I let myself grieve in the early days.
Will stop there as very long and rambling but just wanted to let you know am thinking of you both.

Hi folks
Had a disconcerting experience today - was at the vet's with my ds to buy cat food and the woman behind the counter (who is more or less a stranger, frankly) leaned over and said in a conspiratorial voice "is that another one?". I didn't know what she meant, so she repeated it, and then said "another one, in there", indicating my stomach. She thought I was pregnant! Which I'm not. And I'm not even particularly fat. I managed to say "no, no..." and even said a cheery "bye" when we left - but this really threw me. I would never dream of alluding to what I thought might be someone's pregnancy unless it was really really obvious (ie 6 months+).
Maybe she's a mumsnetter and is currently posting on the Comments you have said and later regretted... thread. Obviously she doesn't know my history, but, well, I was really upset by this.

Oh HD, that's awful!!! Some people just don't think at all. How insensitive!! She's completely unimportant in your life and although it muust be very hurtful, who is she anyway! I was on honeymoon and was asked by a beauty therapist if I was pg. I ws clearly not and had slimmed down to a size 10/12 forthe wedding, it was perfectly obvious I wasn't. It really upset me and I now this wouldbe magnified if I'd had the m/c then too! Two fingers I think!!

oh dear, hd, sorry to hear that, it must have been upsetting. i have to confess i once did this to someone myself, i was so embarrassed when she said no, and regretted it deeply. needless to say now i button my lip... i expect she really regretted it and will think twice next time. try not to dwell on it, just a stupid, foot-in-mouth comment.

I tried to tell myself, and some other people too, that the third miscarriage couldn't be anything like as distressing as the first two, because it was so early that the babies (twins) probably would never even have had a heartbeat.

In fact it was every bit as bad, and in some ways worse. I never got pregnant again, so I had to go through the due date, and the anniversary, and their first birthday, without another pregnancy to focus on. It brought home to me that the desperation to conceive again each time was partly a way of trying to avoid the sadness.

BK, the trouble with trying to reassure people is that they may believe you, and assume that you're feeling a lot stronger than you really are. They may also assume that they can forget about it and expect you to be back to normal, whereas things go up and down for a long time.

I can type this now without crying and falling apart, because three years later I'm feeling so much better - but I didn't really start feeling better until I fully acknowledged, to myself as much as anyone else, how sad I was.

I still wince when I remember the woman (someone I liked, too) who said of my first loss at 12 weeks 'well, you can't really call it a baby, can you?'. But it's true that she was unimportant in my life and she was probably trying to be kind. It's easier to be angry with her than with a beloved friend who called it a 'blip' or with my mother who asked, when I was very low, what was the matter with me and did I have a cold? One of the hardest things was that none of the people I'd usually turn to could understand. I found a lot of help on the web, here and at Babyworld.

Lots of love and good wishes to all of you who are going through it, be kind to yourselves.

Quackers and bossykate, thanks for your messages. I'm not an over-sensitive person but I was rather taken aback (think I would have been even if I hadn't had an m/c recently!).
Eemie, you sound as if you've been through a hell of a time. I'm glad you feel that you have reached a point where you can reflect without getting too upset.

It seems to me that everyone here is saying that after an m/c you need to acknowledge your feelings (whatever they are) in order to move on. I think it's great that we can talk about these things on mumsnet. I have certainly found it a help.

Hello everyone - phew some very difficult experiences here - good luck everyone with continuing to try to reconcile everything. I have had a good weekend away with dh and without ds - including doing some spending in the sales which made us realise it's exactly a year ago since we had our last weekend off! Persona says it's day 26 - so preparing myself for possible next low - I seem to be much more at the mercy of my hormones these days! But feeling upbeat at the mo - who knows what could happen?! Best wishes to you all, thanks for being there, Cazzzz

Need advice please. I found out last night that a fairly good friend has miscarried at 20 weeks. She is part of our NCT coffee group and hadn't been present for a couple of weeks. I had called her and left a message but had no reply, so I guessed something must be wrong.
The baby was very planned, she has one little girl already and was looking forward to this new one. We would all like to rally round and get her a bunch of flowers. Trouble is there is only me who can deliver them. She was quite a good friend to me so I feel that I should do this anyway. But I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I don't want to make her feel worse.

The question is, would I only upset her if I turned up on her doorstep with flowers? Should I try to get someone else to deliver them? We would use Interflora but they charge a fortune to deliver just one little bouquet, and she might think that we are avoiding her. I don't know what to do for the best so any advice would be appreciated.

I think you friend would appreciate any messages and gestures of support Rhubarb.

Rhubarb I would deliver them yourself otherwise she may think you are avoiding her. Its amazing how many people 'disappear' when something bad happens to you. I think the flowers are a lovely gesture

Hi Rhubarb, I think a card or another message on her answerphone might be the easiest first step - let her know that you are thinking of her. That way you can arrange to take the flowers around to her or to meet up with her, and she won't be thrown by you turning up out of the blue. I don't have much experience of this, but I thionk its what I would do - other MN may be able to offer better advice.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Rhubarb. I agree with Cam, she would probably appreciate your support. If you don't want to deliver in person you could try a local florist - their delivery charge may be lower. Then you could always visit after a little while. The Miscarriage Association has a leaflet called Someone you know' which gives tips on how to support someone who has had a miscarriage. It's here . Click on more' under giving information, then the link to the leaflet is under the heading `on-line information' (sorry can't get it to link to the page itself). Personally I think it's spot on.

HTH.

Tricky one, Rhubarb - it's a very sensitive situation. Poor woman. Don't understand why one of the other, presumably not pregnant (?), NCTers can't deliver the flowers instead of you though? Obviously she will have to cope with seeing other pregnant people again, but right now can't be the best time.

(How are you btw?)

Oh, Rhubarb, this is really difficult. i just got a call from the husband of a firend who's just miscarried her baby a couple of days ago. I was with her that morning and she was seeing the doctor for her 12 week scan that pm & they found the baby had died. I also have the same problem, as I'm about the same pg as you. I don't want her to feel abandoned & avoided, but also don't want to make things more painful for them. Their little boy is the same age as my ds11 & he was so looking forward to his new sibling. It's so sad, isn't it?

I'm reading your replies with interest. i don't know what to do either. Let me know what you decide.

Stupid mistake, only ds1, not 11 - . I think I'll have to try & leave flowers & not go in - 1st don't want to desturb, but also terrified I'll burst into tears, and it's hardly appropriate is it? So sad

Rhubarb - there is a girl in my postnatal group who miscarried at 20 weeks - she was due same time as me. I have been told through someone else in the group that this person does not want to see me - it would be too painful for her. I can understand this and will try to arrange seeing other members of the group separately. In the same group another member had a stillbirth and she obviously took this really badly - another member of the group who she was particularly close to became pregant around the same time and this really shook the person who had just lost her baby - they have hardly spoken to eachother since.
I think you should send flowers and a letter but do not visit - it could be too upsetting for her.

Monkey, Rhubarb, I'm watching this with interest too. It is so sad, and hard to know what to do for the best. Letting them know you are there for them is important, and then we found the best solution was to let them come to us when they wanted too. Like any kind of grief there are brief moments when it lifts and it is so hard to judge when is the 'right' time to visit. Its terribly sad for you both too,can appreciate how you feel you might burst into tears... when our friend miscarried we felt a real sense of loss, as we'd spent so much time planning together, and imagining her baby playing with ours, he existed for us too, IYKWIM. I think it helped her to know that, but everyone is different.

Thanks everyone. I went to the coffee group today and we decided to send a bunch of flowers via the local florist. Someone else is going to telephone her tonight and I'm going to see how they got on. Depending on what she said to them, whether she wants to be left alone or not, I shall make contact tomorrow.
As others have said, we don't want to avoid her, but we don't want to force ourselves on her either. Seeing or hearing from me, might be painful for her at the moment, which is why she probably never returned my call. The mum who is going to phone her tonight is not pregnant, so she is probably the best person to do the first approach.

She was quite a good friend to me, she took me and dd swimming once and had confided in me a few times, so I would hate to lose that friendship now. But it is so difficult as she knows about my depression during this pregnancy, and yet hers was so wanted - it's not fair is it?

Gingernut I'll try the link you suggested - thanks. I'll let you all know what happens.
Janh, I'm ok thanks, just taking each day one at a time!

that was a really good link gingernut - I looked at it, obviously after her husband had called me - Thank God i didn't say any of the 'no no's' and even managed a couple of the suggestions. I'd really hate to make them feel worse.

Rhubarb, well done you for keeping the lines of communication open with your friend and for thinking of her feelings at this horrible time. From my own experience (I guess everyone's different) once I got over the immediate shock of losing Tom I did not mind seeing pregnant friends in the slightest. They were all very sensitive and gave me hope that I'd be like them again some day.
Your friend may have been on the receiving end of some hurtful terminology during her hospital treatment. At 20 weeks plus it is desperately awful to hear health professionals use words like "missed abortion" "product of miscarriage" (that's how one GP described Tom on a form) etc. I found friends with babies, young children or pregnant themselves were willing and able to talk about Tom as a person with me, and that was so helpful. Relatives and childless friends struggled with this.
I am so sorry to hear of her loss. I hope she gets good medical support and is able to find out the cause of her baby's death, if she wants to. she is lucky to have friends like you.

Well, our mutual friend phoned her tonight. She was able to talk about it. Apparently she had some spotting, so went to get it checked out. They used a doppler to listen to the baby's heart just to reassure her, but they couldn't find it. She was booked in for her 20 wk scan the next day anyway, so they reassured her that the baby was probably lying funny and to go in for her scan as normal. The scan showed that the baby had died. She was induced. She is not describing the baby as a 'baby', she is merely referring to the process all the time. But she did say that she would attend the coffee groups again once she had fully recovered, and that she would like to hear from me. So I shall phone tomorrow.

That link was very helpful so thank you for that. I think we've done the right thing so far and I truly hope she manages to get over it, although I doubt she will ever fully mentally recover. I'll pass on the Miscarriage Association's no. if she asks. Thanks again everyone.