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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Feelings after miscarriage

115 replies

hewlettsdaughter · 20/05/2003 21:26

Hi everyone

This is my first post to mumsnet so apologies if I should have added to another thread instead of starting a new one. I've just had two early miscarriages a couple of months apart - both times I was only 4 or 5 weeks' pregnant so I hadn't known that I was pregnant for long. I don't feel terribly sad, I don't blame myself, but - at the moment - I DO feel angry. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:

monkey · 06/10/2003 13:22

Well, I went to take my friend some flowers yesterday. I was on my way to an appointment & couldn't get through on the 'phone to warn her I was coming & hated dropping in unannounced. Was fully prepared to just leave flowers & card on doorstep when she answered the door. Boys were in car so i couldn't hang around anyway, but was really taken aback that I came over all tearful - just about managed to keep a grip on myself but had to make a very hasty exit (had to be quick anyway).

SO I phone her today to say sorry for having to rush - had to be somewhere, boys in car etc & also sorry for being a bit upset etc. She then said how she had had her tears, said 'goodbye' and was moving on and trying to look forward to the next one & that all of the flowers & cards were just making her feel worse & that other people being upset made her feel like she wasn't upset enough. (she said all this nicely, not rudely, but then she is a very gentle & sweet person).

So now I feel REALLY awful. Typical, go and do totally the wrong thing, so now not only am I waving my huge bump in her face, I've gone & made her feel even worse. I feel really shit about it all now. And we're supposed to be meeting like normal tomorrow. I can't face her.
Any thoughts?

janh · 06/10/2003 14:49

Don't feel shit about what you did, monkey, you had the best intentions and I don't think she meant you to feel bad - you have got the worst bit over (the first face-to-face) and now you know how she wants you to be tomorrow, it should be easier to be brave for her.

(Mind you she might feel now as if she is OK and moving on but the emotions are bound to keep coming back - she might be glad of your weepiness another time.)

bossykate · 06/10/2003 16:18

i can relate to your friend's feelings, monkey.

BUT, that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. sometimes if you're in a bad situation whatever people do or say will be "wrong" - it's not their fault, it's the situation itself.

your friend must have the highest respect for you and your friendship to be able to discuss the incident with you so openly - as janh says, that will probably make things easier from now on. also agree with janh that your friend might find herself ambushed by recurring feelings about the m/c and will be glad of your support if that happens.

don't reproach yourself, you were very kind, both in giving her the flowers and then following up with a call.

hth.

monkey · 06/10/2003 19:21

thanks you 2. that does help. I guess I felt most bad about coming over all weepy. honestly. I have no command over my emotions - totally pathetic

Ghosty · 06/10/2003 20:08

Dear Rhubarb and Monkey ... this is very sad for you both and I know it must be hard for you as you are both sensitive about your pregnancies and not upsetting your friends but thought that I would tell you how my miscarriage gave me a very very dear friend (sorry if it is long but thought the story might help).
I met another English woman at an Auckland playgroup when I first moved here and we got on fairly well. We had virtually nothing in common apart from having moved all the way to NZ and that we had small boys who liked eachother (she is a few years older than me ... from a totally different part of the UK ... totally different profession pre babies etc).
Anyway - when I was about 8 weeks pregnant I confided in her and then the following week she confided in me that she was a week behind me. So we began to talk more about babies/pregnancy etc as you do.
Like your friend, Monkey, I found out at my 12 week scan that my baby had died (had had some bleeding the day before) and miscarried a day later. My friend (let's call her Mary) was an absolute rock to me. I was a billion miles from family, and although I had made quite a few friends in NZ it was Mary who came through - she phoned me every day, she offered to look after DS. What she didn't do is send flowers or a card - I did get a sympathy card from another friend and it felt really odd so I know what your friend meant Monkey.
I didn't even think about her pregnancy - how could I? It was my pregnancy that was lost, not hers - I am not the type to feel that I couldn't talk to her just because she had what I had lost. Over the months we became closer and closer and eventually, very ironically, she was booked in for a c/section on the day that my baby had been due. I offered to look after her DS and she agreed - she and her DH were worried that it might upset me at first but for me it was the ultimate therapy ... to know that on the day that my baby would have been born a healthy baby was being born and I had a (very) small part in it to play. My DS and her DS had a lovely day while I reflected on life and what it throws you. When her DH phoned to say that all was well I had a good old weep to myself and said goodbye to the baby I lost.
Two days later I discovered that I was pregnant again myself and I was able to move on. I went to the hospital to see Mary and her baby and told her that I was pregnant and we both had a good old cry over her beautiful baby girl .... soppy old bags that we are!
So ... what I am trying to say is that you mustn't let your pregnancies get in the way of your feeling of love and compassion for your friends ... let them know that you are there for them and they will come to you if they need you ... and don't feel bad if they don't ....
I hope my story isn't inappropriate here just wanted to help ...
Hugs {{{}}}

bossykate · 06/10/2003 20:56

monkey, you said you had a huge bump... i'm sure you're weeping regularly - at least i was with ds!

ghosty, thanks for sharing that

Rhubarb · 07/10/2003 10:31

Thanks Ghosty, that is a lovely story. Monkey I think you were very brave to deliver flowers to her house and then do a follow-up call. You've done what you can now, so leave the ball in her court. She might be one of these people who need a bit of space and time to get over it.

I called my friend too, but she wasn't it. Foolishly (and rather cowardly) I left a message which I now regret doing. I just said how sorry I was and how she was more than welcome to come round with her little girl any time, and that I miss her company. Trouble is that was last week and I've not heard anything since. I don't want to phone again as that would just be making a nuisance of myself, but neither do I want to lose her friendship. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if she gets in touch herself. No doubt I'll see her at the next coffee group I can get to at the end of the month.

That was a good tip Ghosty, to offer to look after any other siblings for them. If they do have other children, they will have to look after them whilst being tired, sore and emotional, so I guess the best thing we can do is to help them out with the practical things. Did your second pregnancy go well for you?

monkey · 09/10/2003 09:42

Thanks all. I met up with her the next day. She seemed fine. It wasn't really mentioned. That was a sweet story ghosty, thanks. I'll also offer to look after her ds - she seemed to be having a really hard time with him - maybe he's also very upset about it & acting up.

Ghosty · 09/10/2003 20:40

Rhubarb and Monkey ... you are both doing the right thing by letting them know you care but giving them space to come to you...
My second pregnancy (or third) is coming along nicely thank you Rhubarb ... 24 weeks now

sweetmexico · 26/05/2004 23:10

Today I went for my scan after bleeding only to find out I had miscarried the twins I was carrying. I feel so helpless, weak and I dont know what I did wrong. All I want to do is jump off the nearest cliff. I feel so annoyed that this has been taken away from me after being told a few years ago by my GP that I would never be able to get pregnant

suzywong · 26/05/2004 23:13

sweetmexico
you have my deepest sympathies.
I have looked in to the sonographer's eyes when they admit they can't find a heartbeat too. It is devastating, it will hurt, you will be down, but there is hope.
So sorry you have had that news today, do keep posting and talking to us when you need to

bunny2 · 26/05/2004 23:32

sweetmexico, I am so so sorry. I had my second miscarriage last year and can still remember the pain. The only way to heal is to live through your grief and it will slowly lift. Cry, scream and shout as much as you need to and be very very gentle on yourself. There are lots of threads here about dealing with miscarriage, I found reading them was helpful.

When you are feeling better, remind yourself you got pregnant once and can do so again.

Original poster

hewlettsdaughter · 27/05/2004 00:00

sweetmexico, really sorry to hear this. You say "I don't know what I did wrong" but it's not your fault - please remember that.

OP posts:

sweetmexico · 27/05/2004 20:11

Thank you all for your help, both myself and my husband had a good cry a scream and and a shout and said why us. But there is hope I got pregnant once I can do it again but when we just dont know yet. Can you belive it I never thouhgt about having kids, then I go fall pregnant and get all materntal and then its gone. It really does hurt but who knows what the future holds for us.

haggis1 · 24/07/2004 22:48

Hi hewlettsdaughter, going back to the very beginning of this thread! I miscarried twice (at 9 and then 11 weeks) before the arrival of dd and recently ds. It helped to talk to other women who had been through it, not just for advice but just to appreciate that the feelings I had were normal and that other people had gone through the same. My first m/c was 'straightforward' and I had a D&C. It was awful as I was examined several times as they weren't quite sure if the cervix was opened and then I was examined by student doctors. (didn't object as I know they have to learn about this) But felt a bit like an object afterwards. Hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, except DH but phoned mum from hospital because of D&C. She made me laugh and I tried to put it behind me with reassurances that this was very common! Anyway several months later had a second m/c. Found this very hard, cried constantly and found it very difficult to be with friends who were pregnant (although none of this was their fault and I appreciate how difficult it must have been for them as well)I used to resent friends who got pregnant and it didn't even occur to them that something might go wrong. Part of the process! When out with DH i would feel really sad for him if we saw a new baby in a pram and would feel like crying constantly.When I got pregnant a third time (after a holiday) I was more relaxed in a strange way as I knew if I miscarried again an investigation would take place and at least there would be a logical explanaition! Hopefully. Luckily dd was born a few short months later and now ds. The fear was always there but I tried not to dwell on it although every trip to the toilet brought relief..It was a very painful time and I still think about the two lost babies. I wish you luck with future pregnancies.

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