Anyone there to hold my hand....please.

[calsworld]

I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and when I went to the toilet last night I was bleeding. This was at about 10.15

I rang the emergency number on my notes and they said to call out of hours doctor, which I did. I went to see her and by this time had been to the loo about -100-- times several times and to start off with the blood died down but I've had more again this morning.

Its not bright red, neither is it brown, but its quite dark red. There's quite a bit of clotty bits in it.

Yesterday morning and this morning I've had quite bad pains followed by a poo - similar to what I would normally experience during periods due to my endometriosis, and when I've been to the loo the pain has gone.

My tummy feels sore today - the kind of discomfort I've been attributing to stretching and growing, but its not painful, if that makes any sense. Doctor says I have to wait it out but has moved my scan from next week to tomorrow. I wish it was today though.

I don't really know why I'm posting as I know that no-one can tell me if the pregnancy is ending or if in fact everything will be OK, but it feels better to write it down.

Oh, Cal, I've only just seen this. I'm so sorry for you I do know how you feel and am here if you need anything at all. Take care of yourself and let your DH and your DS help you through it.

{{{{hugs}}}} I wish I could give you a real hug.

I'm sorry for your loss Cal. It's the beginning of a very tough time, but keep posting on MN and hopefully you'll see it through and be positive enough to try again.

I've been through this 4 times now and it doesn't get easier, but it always helped me to have other people to talk to, even if only electronically.

Look after yourself and don't be in too much of a rush to go back to work. It takes time to heal emotionally as well as physically.

Cal, I just wanted to add my post along with the others you've already recieved on here. I am SO sorry for your loss - I am aching for you. You are sounding so strong and philosophical, but make sure you take time to grieve when you're ready to.
I am taking a bit of a break from the ttc thread, but if you fancy being cycle buddies again when the time comes you can email me..... raye123 at hotmail dot com.
I am thinking of you often. (And as we're not on the other thread I can give you {{{{{hugs}}}}} too!)

Cal, I'm so sorry .

Oh Cal I am so sorry. I hope you take good care of yourself and get as many hugs from DH as possible. You both need to look after each other now.
.

Also Holly, I hope you have a good scan today.

Thanks ronshar. I'm not doing so good today, DH has had to go back to work which is probably for the best because I think perhaps he (not consciously) encourages me to be brave when what I should do is just howl...

...and I have been.

This is so crap. I can't believe so many women go through this...I wish there really was a mumsnet bar that I could go and get drunk in.

its a good job i can touch type coz i can barely see through the tears.

my tummy still hurts which feels horribly unfair too. I know I should go and get some painkillers but to be frank, i can't be bothered to walk to the kitchen

Oh my love. I can sit here and tell you it gets easier but I know that you wont believe me right now.

I went through this twice last year. It ripped my insides out. I never thought I could be in so much pain. It colours everything in your life.

Please take care of yourself. Get the pain relief it will help you to get through it.

Ronshar is right. I too went through this twice last year. Its awful. Its unfair. But...it will get better.

Be aware that the pain/discomfort could last a few days. With my last mc the pain was over in 2 days and bleeding stopped within the week. Hot water bottles helped, as did (bizarrely) hot cups of tea/coffe with the obligatory peice of cake!

Cry all you want and dont go back to work til you feel ready.

Take care x

I want it to get better, I didn't actually think I'd cry this much, don't really know why I am crying...as in I don't know what aspect is making me cry, I don't feel in control which I guess is the hormones playing their part?

I'm a very practical person and don't do wallowing or sympathy very well...its a standing joke with my closest friends that if you want sympathy you don't come to me, but if you want a path to follow, I can normally find it...

just feel a bit lost at the moment

Cal-

Just feel how you are going to feel. Partners don't understand how we feel because they don't start to dream about their babies until they are born, we start to dream as soon as we see that line on the test.

Here's a quote to help you remember that you are not going through this alone:

"I am amazed by the number of women who quietly tell me of their own lost child. I never knew they, too, have shared this sadness. I have known some of these women my entire life, and still I never knew. It is a if we are part of a secret sorority none of us knew existed. They give me hope and courage. They have lived through this horror. I can too"

--From the book "An emppty cradle, A full heart" by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser

That is exactly the same place I found myself in last year Cal. Just go with it. It does take a while but please belive me you WILL make it through this trauma.
Cry all you like. It makes it better.

Sitting at work reading this Cal been following you for last couple of days and was devastated to read your news last night. It's been 6 weeks today since ERPC after 12 week MMC.
Think it gets worse before it gets better. When the hormones finally drop off it is pretty awful. But once your cycle kicks back in things genuinely improve. One thing I did, like 'aversion therapy', was see friends with babies quickly afterwards. It sounds daft but it was really comforting, all that cuddling and cooing. Also those friends were particularly sympathetic being mums themselves.
I have to say that more than anything this website has helped me. I only started going on it at the weekend but it's a great help. I wish I had known about it those few weeks ago.
We commemorated our little one with a trophy that DH won for being man of the match in a footie tournament we were both at the day before I started bleeding. We had been so happy that day, starting to tell people the good news. It'll sit on our mantlepiece for a long time, I'm sure, to remind me that despite MC I loved being pregnant, even for that short time - I didn't have a moment's ambivalence, just pure and immediate joy and love and that I knew instinctively whatever sacrfices, whatever it took, I was going to be a brilliant mum and love this child more than anything in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all in all this wasn't a negative experience, however hard.
All the best.

MKG - that's a lovely quote. I think that is something that has really struck me through all this. I don't know if my experience was particularly traumatic or if it is 'normal', but I am shocked that so many women go through it and yet 'what actually happens, or can happen' element was such a surprise to me.

I'm still having afterpains today, and wish they'd go away as I feel I'm being punished for something when I've been punished enough.

I spoke to my Mum on Friday night, I knew she'd had two miscarriages, but not the detail. Turns out it was actually 2 pre 12 week mc's and one at 18 weeks - we both ended up in tears, unsurprisingly.

Mum really hit the nail on the head, I'm sad that I'm not pregnant more than anything else - I'm not grieving for the loss of my baby as I hadn't yet bonded (and in my heart thought something was wrong) but am so very sorry that I'm not having a baby in March.

Thankyou all for posting on my thread when you've been through so much yourselves. It must be difficult to 'talk' to someone when its all so fresh but everything everyone has said has been relevant, helpful and strengthening.

I feel naieve for assuming everything would be OK just because it was last time.

I feel nervous about doing it again though when I look at DS, I know that if someone said I had to go through it again or they'd take him away, I'd go through it without hesitation - so maybe that's my answer.

I know its too early to really make a decision but I can't help what's running through my head.

I think my hormones started 'dropping off' weeks ago as all my symptoms faded away ages ago and I think that I was quite close to having a scan and finding nothing in there (12 week scan was due next week). I think I'm glad I went into spotaneous miscarriage as think finding out at the scan would have been worse. Although, it would have been nice if I hadn't had to go through all the physical pain.

I had no idea it would be like that - it was as painful as being in labour with DS. Thank god NHS direct talked me into going to A&E as if I hadn't gone when I did, we'd have had to call an ambulance. I laugh at myself now when they said they'd give me some painkillers and I said, 'but I've already had 2 paracetamol' and they said it wouldn't matter. I love morphine.

I feel really 'naughty' posting all this in case someone reads it and worries that it might happen to them - as there seems to be some unwritten societal rule that we should keep everything hidden to protect women from knowing the truth and worrying too much. But quite frankly, I resent being told it would be like having a period by the out of hours GP.