When should I tell my daughter about miscarriage?

[YellowTulip555]

Hi all,

My DD is almost 12 and she is aware that sometimes pregnancies unfortunately end in miscarriages or stillbirths.

A person we know sadly gave birth to their son who had sadly passed away full term. DD knows about this and that baby is spoken about frequently.

I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I was 8 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t know about this and I don’t know if /when I should tell her about it.

Im not with her dad but she sees him every week and he has 2 other children. If I told her about it I would tell him so he knows incase she asked him any questions.

Has anyone told their children about any losses and how did you do it? I’m not sure if this should be a conversation for when she’s a lot older or not.

Why would you tell DD now? What would she gain by knowing?

I had two miscarriages before I got my daughter… I wouldn’t sit and tell her at the age of 12 about this possibly when she’s an adult on her own journey but not a child there’s no reason to. You can approach the situation with the stillborn but there’s absolutely no reason to bring up your miscarriage.

I can't imagine why you would tell her.
Maybe when she's a grown woman if she has a miscarriage then you can tell her that yes you had one also.
But aside from that... Why tell her?

I remember when my mum died I found some old hospital letters detailing a miscarriage before me and my sister were born - she literally took it to the grave with her but never told us. We found it a bit sad but she’d gone on to have us so figured she must have found peace with it but why keep the letter that made us wonder!

There’s no need to tell her now or at all if you don’t want to.

My DD is a young adult. I told her about my two miscarriages (20 years ago) a few months ago during a discussion about a friend’s mum who had lost a baby. I am pleased that she knows in case it ever happens to her - it might be helpful to her
to know I have been through it. Generally miscarriages are still very hushed up and I think it’s helpful to understand that they are quite common.

I wouldn’t tell her now but if it comes up naturally when she’s older then maybe that’s a time to talk about it.

I would wait for the topic to come up naturally in conversation, and tell her then if you feel like you want to - I don’t think it needs a dedicated sit-down.

I can imagine telling my DD, in fact I’m sure I’ve mentioned at some point that there was some suspicion at my 12wk scan with DD1 that she has been a twin but one was gone. She’s 10 now so would have been younger when I’d mentioned that. We are very straightforward with our kids about lots of things and I think baby loss is sadly a part of life, that is appropriate for children to hear about, especially since she’s hearing about the concept with the lady who’s sadly lost her baby.

Yes, that's how my mum told me about hers. (She had three and I'm an only child.)

Because it’s a link to the baby she lost and it was all she had to remember them? I felt like that with my miscarriages anyway and have kept the letters/scans.

My guess would be that she kept the letters as it was the only record. I can understand wanting to keep
something.

OP I have had 2 miscarriages and 2 children. I wouldn’t tell them until they’re adults and in context ie they were trying for a baby etc.

There is no reason at all to tell your DD.

I had my DD, an only child, when I was 42. A few months before she was conceived, I had a miscarriage. DD was 15 when I mentioned this, but it was in the context of me talking about what a positive experience I had found pregnancy to be and what a strong sense I had when carrying her of her being a benevolent presence.

Based on experiences I had as a child (the discovery as a late teenager that my mother had had a baby 16 years before I was born who died at five days old and who had the same first name as me, and that she had been married before she married my dad, a fact revealed when I found a photo of her with a man who was not my dad), I dislike secrecy and have always been open with DD.

In the case of my miscarriage, it was not difficult to mention it as I didn't find it traumatic. Normalising miscarriage as part of the experience of many women seems to me a sensible thing to do, although I know not everyone would agree, and I'm not sure that isolating it as a conversation in its own right is something I would do.

I was an adult before I knew my Mum had had a miscarriage between me & my brother. There's 4 years between us, quite a normal gap amongst my friends & our siblings. so never thought about it.

It's one of those things I'd only talk about if it came up for some reason, I wouldn't set out to tell her about it. But likewise it wouldn't be a 'secret'.

I know my mum had a miscarriage before I was born. I don't remember a particular time she told me, she mentioned it from time to time in a what might have been sort of way. I'm glad she handled it this way as it felt like a sad but normal thing that happened to her, but that she lived with, like most women who experience it do.

I'd just wait until a natural time to bring it up - maybe if you're watching something on TV or they learn about it at school. No need to make a big sensitive announcement but equally no need to keep it a secret either, I appreciate knowing it about my mum so don't really get all the "why tell her at all" comments - you tell her because it was a significant thing that happened to you, same reason we tell those close to us anything.

My dd is a young adult now. I can't remember when I told her about my miscarriage but it was a long time ago so probably when she was in her early teens.

I didn't set her down for a big talk so I can't remember the details. It must have come up in conversation, maybe if we were watching a soap together and a character had a miscarriage.

I didn't realise how common it was until I had a miscarriage myself and colleagues shared that they had been through the same thing. I didn't know that my mum had had a miscarriage until I was an adult.

My sister's first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. She's younger than me but married very young so I was still a student when she had her loss. I can still remember my mum telling me. I had literally never heard of a miscarriage (this was only in the 80s but seems unbelievable now) and my mum explained that my sister's baby had died inside her.

I think it's good for children to know that it's something sad that a lot of women go through. It's healthy not to turn it into a secret or into something huge that needs a big conversation.

I have 2 young adult DDs. I had 1st DD, then a miscarriage, then 2nd DD.
I never mentioned this to either of them until recently and then it was only because older DD asked if it had ever happened to me and my DH. I don't think I would have mentioned it otherwise.

I also want to add from my own experience as a teen or what ever. I remember my mum going through a miscarriage when I must have been 15/16. I took the day off school she didn’t ask but she didn’t protest because I insisted and I remember taking my baby brother who must have been 2/3 at the time to the local shop and walking with him for a while and doing all the things a big sister should just so my mum could sleep and rest as her partner brothers dad worked away.

I don’t see the absolute reason to tell any child of any age until they are practically in the situation with their mum or old enough but that’s only if your faced with it so if they knew you were pregnant and now your not but to bring history up before them while they are still navigating their own emotions hormones puberty is wild.

I wouldn’t say anything tbh. At her age she doesn’t need to be worrying about things like that.

My mum had a miscarriage between me and DSis, but despite being incredibly close, she didn’t tell me about it until I was having fertility issues and turned out to have had one (the first of several) myself. It was over thirty years ago at that point and hadn’t left her with any trauma, so she didn’t raise it until it was relevant, which felt right and natural. Neither of us would have gained anything by having the conversation any sooner.

I don’t think you should burden your child with this at her tender age. It might lead her into all sorts of unhelpful thinking, about whether she is a replacement for that child, or if you love her a bit less because you lost another. Pubescent girls’ brains are a maelstrom of complicated thoughts and emotions. Don’t add to it if you don’t have to.

What would you or your 12 yo gain from this conversation?

My children know I had losses before them but it's been mentioned casually in passing as such and came up naturally ( overheard me say to a friend that I'd been pregnant 6 times )

I think it's really weird that your turning into a big thing. Why does she even need to know?

Are you wanting sympathy from her?

My mum always mentioned her losses when she was telling me how hard they tried to have me. My mum passed when I was 13 so I was very grateful to of heard it from her around the time conversations around conception were being discussed.
My dad when I was an older teenager also told me the story of my mum's experience operation following a miscarriage. Like another poster there was a leaflet that was support for women who were pregnant after loss found in my red book and I'm glad I had context for that. It doesn't have to be in depth and it can be very brief but I think it can be helpful to understand at an appropriate level. It all depends on how you feel discussing it and how your child will process that information.

Thank you. This is what I’ve been wondering. I don’t think I would want her to find out from someone else or after I’ve passed for example in the case of another poster.

Ive always thought I’d perhaps tell her when she is older but what to do if it ever came up earlier, I wouldn’t want to lie about it.

She kept that letter for herself. I still have the positive pregnancy tests for all my losses. They mean something to me.

Sorry maybe I didn’t write my post well.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it at all I was just merely asking for advice of others who have been through it and have told their children at some point.
How did it come up, how did the child take the news etc? Or if you haven’t told them the reason why x