When should I tell my daughter about miscarriage?

[YellowTulip555]

Hi all,

My DD is almost 12 and she is aware that sometimes pregnancies unfortunately end in miscarriages or stillbirths.

A person we know sadly gave birth to their son who had sadly passed away full term. DD knows about this and that baby is spoken about frequently.

I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I was 8 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t know about this and I don’t know if /when I should tell her about it.

Im not with her dad but she sees him every week and he has 2 other children. If I told her about it I would tell him so he knows incase she asked him any questions.

Has anyone told their children about any losses and how did you do it? I’m not sure if this should be a conversation for when she’s a lot older or not.

I just wouldn’t make this a thing she won’t ask how babies are lost before they are born unless she is presented with it I.e someone gos through it close and that’s when you’d tell her but for me I’d be not telling her a thing for atleast 5/6 more years.

She doesn’t need to know at any age. Bizarre.

I wanted to make sure my 3 DC knew because I was so blindsided by my fist miscarriage because although I knew they happened I had no idea how common they were. I always knew I would tell them. They are late teens now but they all know: I never sat down to tell them but it has come up in conversation over the years: e.g. well I was pregnant then (at your first birthday), but that one didn’t make it / you are all v wanted children as I struggled to get and stay pregnant so it’s a miracle we have you (and I have twins, likely because of the drugs I was taking at the time). It’s been a natural part of the fabric of our conversation over the years (much like talking about periods) though TBH I am open about it generally because I feel it’s important we don’t hide it as one of life’s important experiences that many of us go through.

I think see where it naturally comes up. Ive long known that my mum lost a baby before I was born. Im not sure when it was first mentioned. I think it is important that there is an awareness as it helped me when I had two miscarriages to know I wasn't alone and how common it is. Its not something that I have hidden and Ive been told by two people that speaking about it helped 'normalise' and made them feel less lonely.

Exactly this. My DM had several miscarriages and it came up in conversation one day. I can’t remember how old I was when she told me.

I had a MMC (and a fair few other early miscarriages) between my DC. I haven't and won't tell them. For me it's a medical thing. I might tell DD if she had fertility issues purely as medical history.

My main reasoning is that I hate the concept of rainbow babies and didn't want dc2 to feel somehow like they were living out another child's place in life.

Agree she doesn’t need to know at any childhood age, and only really in adulthood if relevant tbh.

I would think it isn’t necessary to burden her with.

Mine have always known about my miscarriages. It’s not a dirty secret or anything to be ashamed of. I’ve always told them how lucky we are to have them.

I was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid at the miscarriage unit, and that helped me stop miscarrying them, as youngest would definitely not have made it. I was able to start treatment straight away.

Mind you I’d always tell family when I was pregnant, as it helped when I was having the miscarriages.

When SIL had her miscarriage, she said knowing I’d been so open about it, meant she could talk to me about hers and her feelings.

My dsis was subsequently tested positive for APS. In fact all our DCs were, as can be hereditary and one of dcs have it as well as a cousin.