When should I tell my daughter about miscarriage?

[YellowTulip555]

Hi all,

My DD is almost 12 and she is aware that sometimes pregnancies unfortunately end in miscarriages or stillbirths.

A person we know sadly gave birth to their son who had sadly passed away full term. DD knows about this and that baby is spoken about frequently.

I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I was 8 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t know about this and I don’t know if /when I should tell her about it.

Im not with her dad but she sees him every week and he has 2 other children. If I told her about it I would tell him so he knows incase she asked him any questions.

Has anyone told their children about any losses and how did you do it? I’m not sure if this should be a conversation for when she’s a lot older or not.

I don’t want sympathy from her and actually find that comment quite nasty. This is about me considering her feelings and how she might feel if I don’t tell her and she finds out from someone else. I also wonder if I should tell her in case it ever happens to her

I’m not sure why you would tell your dd about an 8 week miscarriage. Maybe if she has one herself when she’s older, but not when she’s a child or when it’s not relevant. If had a miscarriage too and can’t imagine telling my DCs whilst they’re children, they just don’t need to know.

I don’t think I’d bother telling her. It’s not really worth it.

I told our kids in a very relaxed way ‘oh yea… I had 3 too’ rather than ‘sit down, I have something to tell you’ more to communicate the frequency as to which they happen and to normalise it. I feel that part of what makes women suffer so much is they see it as unusual and devastating when in fact it is unbelievably common and very normal

My DCs were 4 and 2 when I told them about ‘the baby that didn’t get big enough to be born’ before both of them. They have always known about their big brother and although we don’t often speak about him we don’t have to hide it either. If your daughter knows about your friends’ stillborn child this might be just the right time to talk about how it can happen earlier on. And then if the conversation goes that way you might share your loss. She’s not a little one anymore and knowing she can talk with her mum about difficult and emotional things is a strength.

Why on earth would you tell her? If my mum told me she'd had a miscarriage at 8 weeks before she had me, I'd be thinking 'um, ok?'.

Miscarriage is incredibly common and it used to be that you didn’t announce your pregnancy until 12 weeks for that reason. Home pregnancy tests didn’t exist or didn’t work until you’d already missed a period, so often women weren’t even aware themselves, and social media didn’t exist so no test photos were shared. So a woman of my mum’s generation, and even my own, wouldn’t have told lots of other people she was pregnant, if she even knew, at 8 weeks. So they wouldn’t be facing the situation you’re fearing, of someone else telling your child. Surely it would be a very strange adult who decided to share this info with your daughter? What reason would they have? I think you might be overthinking this.

I don’t think she needs to know particularly.
You say one of the reasons you’d tell her is in case it happens to her, but how would that help , plus she’s 12 , so not likely to happen for years.

My kids are 9 and 13 and they know I had two miscarriages before them. My 13 year old daughter also knows I had an abortion as a teenager. I don’t find any of this distasteful or embarrassing and it wasn’t really a big thing. I can’t even remember how it first came up but they know they are very wanted rainbow babies and I’m so grateful to have them.

My daughter did a term at school about abortions and asked me if I’d ever had one. I wouldn’t lie to her and it’s important to me that she knows she can always come to me and I won’t judge her. My parents were so supportive of me when that happened and I want her to know that I’d always be there for her.

I also think it’s important for everyone to know just how common it is to have a miscarriage - I knew my grandmothers had had many, many losses but hadn’t realised how many of my friends had until I started talking about it. I think I would have been far less frightened if I’d known.

If she asks, tell her the truth but why suddenly volunteer the information?

Most of us have had miscarriages and I’d say it’s for adults to deal with.

I never planned on telling my daughters at all about miscarriages when they weren't aware I was pregnant. As it happened, when they were older ie around 18 and 15, they asked me if I'd ever had one and we had a discussion about a miscarriage and a molar pregnancy I'd had. They were both fine, it was a non event for them and they were just inquisitive and asked.

I agree with this.

Also the concern she might ‘hear it from someone else’? Is that even a remote possibility? Your very early miscarriage is not something other people are likely to discuss, or even remember.

I have had two miscarriages but I've never told my children about them. It's nothing to do with them, so why would I? I might tell my daughters, if they suffered miscarriage themselves to show solidarity and sympathy but the miscarriages were personal to me and I can't imagine it meaning anything at all to them in the abstract.

I wouldn’t tell her until she’s an adult, no need. I had a miscarriage between my two DDs, the eldest is 15 and I haven’t told them about it.
My mum told me she had one when I had mine, I didn’t feel like she should have told me earlier.

I don’t remember DM specifically telling me about her miscarriage (between Me and DSib) but I don’t remember not knowing either IYSWIM. I was pretty young. Maybe I asked why there was such a big gap between DSib and I? I also have a very clear memory of her pregnant one house, but we lived in another when DSis was born. It was always just a fact.

It was only when I was pg that we spoke about it more.

Yes this 100%, there is literally no good reason to bring this into her life at her age. What if she starts thinking she is only here because you lost the baby previous to her? That could really mess with a young teen’s head.

Slightly different situation, but my in-laws’ second child died at 6 months old so my brother in law was only born because of this - he has always struggled with this knowledge. No one has said this to him explicitly I don’t think but he has brought this up himself over the years.

Yes, I agree.

@YellowTulip555 why would anyone tell her this? How? And in what context. I can’t imagine how this would happen.

Also your DD is 12. She is so young and not even near childbearing age, hopefully.

What would you hope to achieve by telling her? It would probably just scare her.

I would only tell my DDs if they asked me directly, or if they experienced it themselves in the future (I hope they don’t) or if they were showing a lack of understanding (eg about why people generally dont announce before 12 week scan etc).

Can I ask - why are you thinking about this? In respect of a 12 year old? It seems strange. Are you wanting to talk about your losses? It’s fine if you are, but your 12 year old is not the right audience.

I absolutely agree with pp that there is no need to tell your dd about this now. I was 27 when my mum told me about her experience (37 years prior to this) and that was at a time when it was of value to me as I was going through something similar. I always felt very honoured, trusted and respected that she had talked about this at that time.
Had I been told out of the blue at age 12 I think it might have caused a lot of confusion in me, confusion that I may not have felt able to express with my mum as I wouldn’t have wanted to make her sad.

I don’t know what the driving factor would be around telling your 12yr old child that before she was born a pregnancy of yours of 8wks didn’t progress.

If I were to tell my own 12yo DD something like that she’d be at best non-plussed and at worst embarrassed and grossed-out at mum having had sex other than when she was conceived 🙈

I’ve had several miscarriages. I don’t plan on telling my DC unless it comes up naturally - if they asked I would be honest, or if they were going through similar themselves as adults then I would tell them.

I absolutely wouldn’t proactively tell them as children or teens as I can see no benefit to that whatsoever.

I think you’d be very unreasonable to tell your child this out of nowhere. It’d be different if she brought it up or it came up in conversation naturally.

Also, 8 week miscarriages are (sadly) pretty common. I don’t think it would be noteworthy enough that someone would tell your daughter about it more than 12 years later. (I had an ectopic pregnancy before my youngest was born - I can’t imagine anyone even thinks about it anymore, leave alone the possibility of mentioning it to my kids!)

I had six miscarriages including my son’s twin. He’s known since he was able to understand how babies are made (naturally and in a fertility clinic as he was!) that there would have been brothers or sisters older than him and a brother who should be the same age. If she’s 12 now I’m not sure why you’d make a deal of telling her? It doesn’t particularly affect her in any way? If you really want to I suppose you could discuss something recent to today, such as the Northern Irish governments introduction of leave for women suffering loss and how it is a good thing!

I was told as an adult about my mother's miscarriage, I don't know why a child would need to know.

From a professional point of view I sometimes teach children that have obviously been told about miscarriage and losses and it does make me a bit uncomfortable as they seem to feel they have a responsibility somehow.

Respectfully, I think you may be making this out into a much bigger deal than it is. I don't mean that horribly - obviously it's a MASSIVE deal for you. But there is no reason to think it will be hugely traumatising for your daughter. Pregnancy loss is, sadly, a very commonplace part of life.

My mom told me about her miscarriage when I was early teens I think, and to be honest I never thought that much of it - it's certainly not something I would have talked to others about.

And I had a miscarriage when my daughter was around 11/12, and told her shortly after - her immediate reaction was "thank God" ( which she did apologise for saying later - tho she did stand by the sentiment - it was an unplanned pregnancy and would not have been the best thing for us at the time, though every baby is a blessing of course). She certainly was bit traumatised by it in any way.

I would just tell her when you want to tell her. I wouldn't over think it.

She's 12, whose going to tell a 12 year old her mum had a miscarriage 13 years ago?

Tell her if you want but it is weird to have a big sit down conversation with her about somthing she doesn't need to know about at this age. If she was an adult who had just experienced her own miscarriage then it's understandable but a 12 year old whose minding her own business then gets her mum trauma dumping on her? It's very odd