When should I tell my daughter about miscarriage?

[YellowTulip555]

Hi all,

My DD is almost 12 and she is aware that sometimes pregnancies unfortunately end in miscarriages or stillbirths.

A person we know sadly gave birth to their son who had sadly passed away full term. DD knows about this and that baby is spoken about frequently.

I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I was 8 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t know about this and I don’t know if /when I should tell her about it.

Im not with her dad but she sees him every week and he has 2 other children. If I told her about it I would tell him so he knows incase she asked him any questions.

Has anyone told their children about any losses and how did you do it? I’m not sure if this should be a conversation for when she’s a lot older or not.

I’m really surprised by the responses here. My mum told me she’d had a MC before me when I was a child - I can’t remember how old I was but still in primary school.
I had the same pattern of having a MC between my two children and I’ve never hidden it from my boys. I can’t remember ever specifically telling them but they know so it must have come up sometime.
DS20 had a friend who recently went through it with his girlfriend and I think it was helpful for DS to know it’s a common thing, so he could support his friend.
I think it’s important for people to know - it’s something like one in four statistically, isn’t it?

I didn’t hide it from my boys as they grew but I also didn’t sit them down and have a big conversation either. They grew up knowing that it happened .
it was helpful when one of their partners also had a miscarriage, as they could talk to us about it .
when I had mine, my in laws were horrible

I wouldn’t tell her now. But when an adult and ttc if she has a mc then tell her

I don’t see the point telling her now 13yrs later and a child

I wouldn’t tell her when preg incase she worries as if someone had a mc it’s as the baby isn’t developing as they should so no point worrying her no reason

She doesn't need to know. Let her be 12 and carefree without carrying your sadness over something in the past.

You are overthinking it.

The time it might be relevant and useful for her to know is if she is TTC or has a miscarriage in which case family history and reassurance that early miscarriage is common and doesn’t preclude a later successful outcome is relevant.

If she asks you a direct question then for sure answer it but otherwise its your private medical information and you treat it accordingly.

I think you're overthinking it a little bit.

DP had a miscarriage when DD was around 3. DD wasn't aware that DP was pregnant at the time.

We never intended to tell or not tell DD about it, it just wasn't information that she particularly needed to know, but we weren't averse to telling her if ever the conversation came up.

It did eventually come up when DD was around 14, she happened to ask if we'd ever thought about having any other kids, so we told her then. Wasn't much of a reaction, and then she came back with a couple of questions a day later.

I don't think it meant a lot to her. Obviously to us, we were having a baby, but for her it was just some information about something that could have been, it's not like she felt she had a brother or sister she'd never met or anything.

I think most kids would take information like that in their stride, but best to just let it come up in conversation naturally.

I told mine ( 10 and 13 at the time) when it came up in conversation. They were interested in the fact they may have had a sibling and asked a few factual questions but then moved on.

The key to your post is that "you cant specifically remember telling them" ie it came up naturally.

I am suggesting that a formal sit down/out of nowhere chat for a 12yo girl who is not even thinking about this is not a good idea.

Can you give any reasons why you would raise that topic with a child who has not asked or questioned or indicated any interest or concern in this area?

What is the child supposed to then with this info dump - be sad? be worried? be confused? be nonplussed? be unsure what to say?

How is the child supposed to hold this "out of the blue" information and what outcome is expected from the parent telling them this?

Why on earth would you tell her unless it comes up at some point in conversation? It’s a bit weird to plan to tell her specially.

I got pg with DD 1 week after a MC, total shock
She is 21 and I have never felt the need to tell her

If anyone mentioned it, and an 8 week pregnancy miscarriage many years ago is unlikely to be a topic of conversation I can’t imagine for a moment she would have any particular reaction particularly a negative one

Both my DC know that I had three miscarriages. It has come up naturally in conversation since they were little and they are always curious but never dwell on it. I felt it was important not to keep things like this a secret. My own mother did, and I think that is why I struggled so much with my own miscarriages.

We talk in an age-appropriate way about loss generally when it comes up, and it does a lot, because that is life. It often leads to conversations about living in and appreciating the present.

OP, don't worry about it. Just tell her when it comes up. She's 12, so you will be having conversations where it will come up naturally.

Mine were told in a matter of fact way.
"Mummy, why can't we ha e another brother or sister"
"Because mummy and daddy had to try very hard to get you two and some babies didn't develop to be born. It's called a miscarriage. It was very sad."
They were also aware because we lost a little boy at 27 weeks and it wasn't a secret.

I had a miscarriage before having DD1 and I’ve no idea if I’ll tell her. Not that it’s a secret, I just don’t think it’s some big thing I need to sit her down and talk about. I’d probably tell her if it comes up, whether that’s from a question she might ask now (she’s 6, so might hear something she doesn’t understand somewhere and ask), or in ~30 yrs when she maybe has her own pregnancies.

I agree with the poster. 12 would be really way too young.

My mum sadly sad miscarriages between me and my younger brother. One summer holiday dinnertime when I was 15 and my brother 12, she decided to bring it up, including sobbing at the dinner table, wit no my dad leaping up to comfort her. My brother and I were horrified, had no idea what to do or say. No preamble or space for our/any questions. It was utterly bizarre and inappropriate.

Why on earth would you tell her? There’s no reason to. It’s very bizarre.

No need to tell her, that would be a very strange thing to do.

Ive had 11 miscarriages including a very late one at 20 weeks & it’s not something that’s ever crossed my mind to tell my children. Why would you make them upset on purpose.

I had a still birth and 2 miscarriages between my children. They are now 8 and 4. They both know about the stillbirth but not about either miscarriage.
I plan to tell them when they are older and starting their own families or if the question is ever raised when they are teenagers. I'd never lie if they asked at any age to be honest tho.

I think its important to tell her. My mum had 8 miscarriages and myself 2; knowing it was a possibility made me choose to not delay TTC once I felt ready and also 'pre warned' me i feel which helped.

This? It's just a weight for her to carry. It won't feel like a lost sibling to her.

Just no.

I'll go against the grain here.

My mum had 7 miscarriages and a still birth before me and my sister. It shaped our childhoods and we couldn't understand why they were so over the top. We eventually found out when I was 15, but knowing earlier would have massively helped to understand the 'why' behind their over protectiveness.

I personally had two miscarriages before my two children, and it's always just been part of the narrative once they were old enough to understand.

I can’t quite work out why you’re turning this into a ‘thing’?

Surely it’s just a part of your life that although doesn’t need to be kept hidden from her nor is it something that she needs to be sat down and told about?

I had a miscarriage between my two children (also at 8 weeks) and my oldest son knows about it. He was probably about 11 when I told him as we were talking about topics they’d been covering in sex education classes at school and he’d seen the word in a textbook and wanted to know what it meant. It was a very casual conversation that had no detrimental effect on him and it really wasn’t that big a deal.

As most posters have said, there’s no need to keep it from her if it naturally comes up in conversation but you don’t need to turn it into all this drama either.

did You need to know when you were 12 though

I cant remember ever being 'told'. It was something ive always known about so mustve been quite young.

If my kids dont know by the age of sex education (eg contraception options) id bring it up then.

To those thinking I’m planning on some sort of dramatic, traumatising event of telling my daughter right now - go back and read my original post. I’ve not said I’m going to tell her - I’ve asked if I should tell her at some point and what have others done in a similar situation.

To answer who else might tell her - her dad is the obvious one as it was his baby too. The conversation may come up there as they have friends who are expecting. I also have a friend who is pregnant. She asks questions now and then about babies and pregnancy, all very innocent questions such as how long is a pregnancy. How long can it take to have a baby etc.

To the drama queens - please stop making this anymore than a mum asking a question.