Is it weird to not want to tell parents about pregnancy loss

[Squashies123]

Hi all,

I’m currently going through an ectopic, its my first pregnancy at 28. I found out relatively early (6 weeks) and was waiting until an early scan to tell my parents. It would have been their first grandchild and I know they would have been ecstatic.

I’ve told most of my close friends what’s happened but for some reason I feel hesitant telling my parents. I think because I know it would upset them, and I had this image in my head of telling them they were going to be grandparents, I almost don’t want to ruin that surprise by telling them with bad news. I also just feel awkward bringing it up, I have a good relationship with them but we’re not the kind of family to talk about emotions. They also didn’t even know we were ttc so would feel very out of the blue

but for some reason I feel really guilty not telling them, almost like I’m lying to them. I think if my mum ever found out that I’d not told her she would feel hurt. I also haven’t visited them in the past couple of weeks because I’ve been feeling rubbish and at least if they knew why I’d feel less guilty (at the same time they haven’t reached out to see me).

Despite going through all of this stress with the ectopic this is currently causing me the most anxiety out of anything (I definitely have issues around people pleasing/managing other peoples emotions which this whole experience has really highlighted for me).

not really sure what I’m asking, I guess whether anyone else has experienced similar feelings when it comes to telling family?

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I would tell them purely because having had 2 ectopics myself - both ended up rupturing and ultimately losing both tubes - I know it’s a long gruelling process and you may need the support from your loved ones

that being said also depends on your parents age group - my parents were in their 60s - very much of the generation that didn’t have pregnancy tests and my parents openly said they don’t consider it a pregnancy until you’ve missed 2 periods - ie 8 weeks so I did find that there was a lack of sympathy/empathy/understanding that to me they were babies

I didn't tell my dad and his partner when I had a miscarriage to spare him feeling uncomfortable. Unfortunately this meant I had to just accept the comments about when we might have baby no.2 and couldn't feel too upset since I hadn't told them.

After some pretty judgey comments one day (5 days after surgery for miscarriage no2) i was very emotional and hormonal and ended up telling them in floods of tears. I'm glad they know now as I shouldn't have put their feelings ahead of mine, but that is also not how I wished I'd told them.

I did tell my mam about both (they're divorced) and honestly it was so much easier as she didn't make as many insensitive comments.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had an ectopic with my first child at 27 and wasn’t planning to tell my parents until after 12 weeks. The ectopic was discovered at 7.5 weeks but thankfully I didn’t need surgery.

I ended up telling them over text message, because it was 2 days before Father’s Day and I wasn’t going to be able to attend. I wouldn’t normally miss seeing my dad on Father’s Day so I wanted them to know it was for good reason.

If it wasn’t for the dates I wouldn’t have told them (unless I needed surgery). However, I’m glad they know now. They were a great support to me and I think it strengthened our relationship.

I didn’t tell my parents. I don’t have that kind of relationship & I’m quite a private person naturally. I did tell my best friend & a couple of other friends though but some time afterwards. I hope you’re OK

Go with your gut, if your gut is saying you don’t want to tell them, don’t. The way I see it, you have enough going on without feeling guilt about not telling parents. I had 2 mc, first one I told my mum, second I did not, I just didn’t have the headspace to discuss, and didn’t want to make her sad/worry. There is no right or wrong my lovely, focus on taking care of yourself x

Sorry for your loss.
Slightly different but for DD we TTC for 5 years and ultimately had IVF which was successful first round, both sets of parents knew nothing of this until we told them I was pregnant after the 12 week scan. DS was a spontaneous conception again parents were told after 12 week scan.
If I'd have experienced a loss before 12 weeks I think I would've kept it to myself.
I struggled with my own disappointment in the situation re TTC and couldn't bare to have to deal with parents disappointment as well.
There's no right or wrong in these situations just do what feels right for you and you've nothing to feel guilty about.

I did tell mine because I'd already told them I was pregnant at around 7/8 weeks, and had MC at 11 weeks. I knew my mum had a MC herself so there was an empathy there. But it is completely your decision, you don't need to feel guilty at all. I'd really recommend some counselling - it really helped me after the MC, and helped me be mentally prepared to TTC and be pregnant again.

I don’t think I would have told mine. I don’t like talking about stuff like that though.

Thanks all for your responses, and sorry for your losses it’s reassuring to hear a mix of reactions, I don’t think I’ll tell them as it would add more emotional stress at the moment. For some reason I felt like I had to tell them or it means I’m lying or a bad daughter but I can see now that’s not the case. This whole situation has brought up a lot of existing mental health/negative patterns for me so I’m looking into therapy. Thanks all